Before I start, I know, I’m a horrible person, I feel sick about it all
I was in a relationship a few years ago, I was in my early 20s, he was in his mid-late 20s
It was an intense, toxic, all consuming relationship with lots of on and off breakups
After our second to last breakup, he tried many times to reconnect but I told myself this was it, no going back, we’re not good for each other
Then I started to miss him, I was going crazy, spiralling, I just needed him near me
my ego was too big to reach out first and he was done asking me to come back
I ended up in hospital briefly for an unrelated reason, a close mutual friend of ours randomly FaceTimes me, sees I’m in a hospital and asks why I’m there
Knowing this would get back to him, I said I had a miscarriage
He calls me at 3am, so worried, and I play along with it, I told him I’d call him the next day and that he shouldn’t worry
This man drives to the hospital, looking for me, I’m at home, he calls me again telling me he’s at the hospital and I tell him to go home and that I don’t want to see him (because I’m at home wtf did I get myslef into)
Next day friend wants to come pick me up, now she’s tied in to my stupid lie too, and I stuck to the lie, no matter how much I said no she said she’ll pick me up, she wants to be there for me
I go to the hospital, waiting for her to pick me up, feeling guilty, and ashamed
She takes me to her house, massive basket of gifts and flowers waiting for me from the ex, with a note asking me to give him a call when I’m ready to see him
I’m now crying in her living room, she thinks it’s because I lost a baby, I’m actually crying because I’m a horrible person playing with people’s emotions and manipulating them in my favour
I see him the next day, he is so distraught, he obviously feels a loss too, I’m happy to see him, and I feel like a fraud
We stay together for a few more months but I cannot bear to live with this lie anymore
So what do I do instead of coming clean? I break up with him
The friend and I also stop being close after a couple of years, only messaging each other happy birthday twice a year
Neither of them know the truth, no one does
Until this point I’ve lived with this lie alone, I cannot believe I rationalised this in my head and actually did it
I feel so guilty, so ashamed, it’s been years, it’s the biggest regret of my life
I so badly want to apologise to them both but I know I never will because I’ve made sure I don’t have to by shutting them both out of my life
I deserve any shit I get for this, so have at it
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Are you hot
As hard as it is to accept, the truth will set you free, if they get mad and say that they never want to see or speak to you again, so be it. Your life will open up to new people and you won’t feel burdened by what’s been and gone.
I wish you the best, and remember that no one bad deed can wipe out all the good, and no one good deed can wipe out all the bad.
Godspeed.
Honestly telling them the truth at this point might even be more traumatic for them? Maybe it’s best to let this one lie.
i can’t say that i personally understand how you feel. i do want to say that you shouldn’t have lied but you did, there’s nothing me or you can do to go back in time. i suggest that you see someone about this so you can personally feel as though you’re coming clean. i doubt that you’d want to open up about the lie to your ex and your distant friends since it’s been a while. i don’t think that you’re a bad person but i do think that you should work on how you regulate your emotions. i most likely assume that you lied in the spur of the moment. i hope you’re okay and you do the right thing and seek out help from someone who can truly offer support <3, and maybe one day you’ll feel comfortable enough to open up to them both about what you did.
No judgement here, we all do and say stupid shit that sometimes bites us a lot more than we first expected.
It’s one of those things that you’re just best off taking to your grave now as I can’t see any positives from coming clean to be honest.
Yeah, maybe it was a stupid thing to do but hindsight is a bitch. I say forgive yourself, move on. It’s a shame you lost a friend out of it although sounds like not having the toxic relationship with the guy is for the best even if it’s happened due to something that you maybe shouldn’t have done.
I hope you can move on and not feel the burden, you deserve it!
Just stop talking about it and tell them you want nobody to know
just tell him straight up, I mean you are an absolute massive POS for lying about that. However continuing to hold on to the lie will torture you mentally.
So best thing you can do is just come clean and accept the consequences of your lies. Atleast it will take the weight off mentally.
You fucked up, you move on from it.
From someone who has actually had a miscarriage, it absolutely fucking sucks to go through it and I don’t wish it on anyone. Yes you were wrong for lying about it but it sounds like you were not in a good place in your life at the time.
Since you’ve separated yourself from both people, I’d chalk it up to an apology to God for being a shit person all those years ago and move on with your life being a better person and not doing stuff like this in the future.
Maybe I’m a horrible person too because I don’t think you should tell them. You did something dumb, and telling them isn’t going to make anything better. Just take this to your grave and don’t beat yourself up about it. We all do dumb things we regret.
Doing a bad thing doesn’t make you a bad person.
Find a counselor, or a therapist. You broke in a bad situation. Now it’s time to heal, and move on and do better for yourself in the future.
Edit: obviously not talking about rapists and people who kill for fun. There’s lines.
Sometimes we say things out of desperation that don’t make sense. But it sounds like the guy was a piece of shite anyway, and it does not sound like you and your friend grew distant because you told this lie.
At this point, it just wouldn’t make sense for you to come clean about it. I know you want to absolve yourself of the guilt you feel but think about how they’re going to receive this info all these years later. They don’t need to know.
It’s good that you realize this was wrong of you. You could apologize? That would lift the burden of guilt. Honesty is the best policy.
What you did was wrong, but it sounds like you have learnt from it.
If these relationships are already dead in the water, perhaps telling them the truth would re open old wounds for everybody involved for very little reason.
I believe we all have secrets we take to the grave. Perhaps let this be one of yours.
Don’t let the guilt consume you.
All the best
Sometimes there’s things you could just take to your grave and work through it. Seems to me like bringing it up again with these people would just not only traumatize them, but might seem like a big manipulation by you to have an excuse to talk to them only to hurt them again. You made a mistake. People make mistakes. Be a little bit kinder to yourself and realize you were a different person back then and you don’t need to stir the pot and make people miserable again. You also need to stop beating yourself up about it. We all say stupid things and do stupid things in our use. If you’ve grown up and still can’t cope with your lies, I would talk to a therapist about learning how to forgive yourself and let it go. And most importantly not to repeat it again.
I don’t really judge you. We are all young once and I doubt any of us can say we don’t have some story or decision we are ashamed of or regret. That is learning. That is growing up.
While I think it would have been best if you had become honest when this was happening, I think it would actually cause additional pain and suffering if you were to go out of your way to do so now. If I am fully honest, it feels to me like coming clean now would be a selfish move. It would help release your guilt while compounding on suffering they shouldn’t have had prior.
I think all you can do is learn and grow — in any situation like this. You feel remorse, so you have empathy and values. Live your future days with those values at the forefront and give yourself permission to release your past.
I will be wishing the best for you!
When you mess up like this, the ONLY way back is the truth. It’s uncomfortable, it sucks, but it’s a hole you dug and now you have to face the difficult consequences to dig yourself out. Ultimately, you’ll all move on from it, but until you come clean, you’ll forever be burdened with guilt.
And it’s wildly unfair to let your ex continue through life, constantly thinking about a nonexistent child and wondering “what if?” My wife miscarried twice, one with twins, and I think about them all the time.
But you don’t care, you won’t do the right thing, and that sucks.
So I’m over here wondering who was the toxic one in that relationship 🤔
I agree with everyone. Let it go. Just move forward and give yourself a break. You owned your mistakes and that is huge! A lot of people wouldn’t even take responsibility for their actions. You have to try to forgive yourself and from this day forward, don’t tell lies. It sounds like you learned your lesson. Thank you for being so candid and remember that your not a bad person. Take this lie to the grave. Don’t share it with anyone in your future. People that are involved with you will have a distrust for you if you share the story with them there’s no reason to do so. Bury it and move on. Best wishes for you
I think you owe him the truth because he’s out there believing he lost a child that never existed. It obviously hurt him
What a Terrible thing to do! hold yourself accountable and tell both parties how you manipulated and lied to them!
That’s pretty messed up, but we’ve all done and said stupid shit when we were young and dumb. It sounds like you learned from this and obviously are remorseful. I wouldn’t say anything to either of them, though. It’s been a few years and telling them now would probably cause some type of distress in their lives. I know you feel guilty and you think that telling them might release you of some of that guilt, but that probably wouldn’t be the case, and imo it’s pretty selfish to bring this up so many years later when you haven’t even spoken to them in so long. Leave it be. Try to forgive yourself. This one lie does not define you, as a person.
Know thyself! (Ancient Greek maxim. ) That is your strong point! It is up to you if you want to change behavior in the future.
Those early 20s relationships can be so intense and suffocating. I lied about something similar to escape my ex. Looking back now at 35, I realize I was just a scared kid trying to survive. The guilt shows you have a conscience. That matters more than a lie told in desperation.
It’s not that bad honestly. Time to move forward.
i dont think telling them would do anything positive. forgive yourself and move on. we all do stupid things but a lot of folks never feel bad about it at least you became a better person already by recognizing
I know a woman who lied multiple times about being pregnant for various reasons. Sometimes she wanted the man back, sometimes she wanted money for an “abortion” and sometimes she just wanted to piss off the current girlfriend of the guy she used to date. 5 years later she finally has a real baby and lets just say karma slapped her daughter right in the face 🫣also her child’s father refuses to claim their daughter. I think everything that she’s going through is well deserved! Playing with people’s emotions is not okay and being young isn’t a valid excuse.
If you don’t regret your past then you haven’t grown.
I was that girl once too. Toxic relationship, felt like I was drowning, and made a choice I’ll regret forever. It’s been 8 years, and I’m still working on forgiving myself. Just know you’re not alone in this darkness.
I don’t think anyone can say they haven’t done something they regret. Stuff you think back on and just cringe. The past can’t be changed, no good would come from “confessing” to those it affected.
Forgive yourself-it’s all you can do.
An ex did this to me to try to get back together with me. First it was, “I’m pregnant.” I didn’t believe her. So about a month later, she upped it to, “I had a miscarriage.” I didn’t believe that either. It was easy to not believe her because she lied about a lot of things.
I guess you had the benefit of facetiming from the hospital to sell it. That’s messed up though. Glad you feel bad about it. But it’s time to forgive yourself and move on as best as you can. It really doesn’t matter anymore.
Just come clean. I know this is just a confession but you were totally manipulative and there is still a chance to atone your actions.
Well girl, you made a big mistake and you’re paying the price for it probably forever. I don’t think telling them would be the right thing to do at this point either, but getting this off your chest with a therapist it’s important. You need to talk this out with a professional and unravel the whole thing with them. And I’m sure you do- but try to be a better person everyday. Every time you feel a lie on the tip of your tongue, swallow it and remember the promise you made. Then I would work on atonement. Giving back. Maybe volunteering or donating to mothers who lost their babies. It’s a heavy thing to carry , make a commitment every day to be better so you can let it go in some way. Therapy and honesty.
I’ve done the same thing😭 never told anyone abt it..
Forgiveness begins with forgiving ourselves. Don’t lie going forward and learn from your mistakes.
It’s been so long don’t even tell the friend at this point. They have therapy, talk to someone. Release the lies through them. As long as you tell someone. You will feel better. I’m sure it felt better talking to us.
This is definitely “a truth my set you free” and make YOU feel better but hurt others. let it lie Confess in church or to a therapist or do related volunteer work if you feel you need penance.
Yes, it was a shitty thing to do. However, it seems you possibly weren’t in the best place, acted on impulse and then couldn’t back track out of it because it spiralled so quickly. In my honest opinion, this is something you will need to take to the grave with you. If I was that friend or ex boyfriend and found out the truth, I’d be more upset than when it all happened. Not only is a miscarriage extremely traumatic for the women going through it, but men (the dads especially) also feel a loss and grief, men have emotions. Not only this, but as a friend, it’s heartbreaking knowing someone you love and care about has experienced this and I cant imagine how crushed they would both feel finding out the truth!
You’ve hurt them with lies once already, I personally wouldn’t want to know the truth and deal with the trauma and trust issues associated with that.
I think the biggest thing is to forgive yourself, you made a mistake and you know it, but you need to learn to forgive yourself and move on
Idk I may be the outlier but I think you just… get over it. Ya it was shitty but no one knows & unless you’re going to come clean you’re tormenting yourself with you self obsession for no reason.
Like what does feeling guilty do? Besides push everyone away ig. Is that not a proper punishment?
What is the end goal?
What’s ironic is that the relationship may have lasted when you got back together if not for your guilt.
On the other hand, without the lie he may not have come back.
He believes he lost a child that would have been his, this perceived loss has probably shaped him in some way now. I think the kindest thing would be to come clean no matter how hard that may be, relieve him of that mental burden, and it will also relive you of the guilt. It’s a kindness for yourself as well. Wish you best of luck and much needed healing for both of you.
I had a guy that would not take no for an answer and I got to the point where I was over it. I ghosted him and a month later he messaged me on insta asking what happened. I told him I had a miscarriage and it really fucked with my head and seeing him was “too painful.” Probably the worst thing I’ve ever done but had to move on because can’t change it. Don’t even remember the guy’s last name.
Yeah.. you sound like a pretty terrible person tbh.
That was a close friend that did all that for you…and now you are not in touch.
This wasn’t that long ago
And wasn’t in college which may give an artificial sense of closeness b/c you spend a lot of time together.
This was mid-20s, you chose to be friends…what happened?
Have you lost other friendships? Do you have close relationships now? Or is there a general problem of emotional regulation?
If this is a pattern you should see a therapist.
You were so young! You made a decision under duress that you wouldn’t make today, being older and wiser. Learn the lesson and move on. You don’t deserve to suffer endlessly.
Yeah ur good
You were in your early 20s. Be kind to yourself and understand your brain wasn’t fully developed at that age. You said it was an intense and toxic relationship, do you think maybe you came up with this lie as a way to try and sabotage the relationship, to get away from him or to try and experience a little more compassion from him? All good things to discuss with a therapist if you feel like this is unresolved for you.
I hate to say it, but I doubt they are thinking about this incident as much as you are.
No judgement from me, but I’m sure it was a relief to get this out in writing and get it out there. Try to forgive yourself friend, we all do really dumb things when we’re young.
You did a crappy thing. We all do. Forgive yourself, move on and don’t do it again.
Forgive yourself
This seems like an impulsive, spur of the moment lie coming from a person in crisis that totally spiralled out of your control. It doesn’t sound premeditated or anything like that. You just panicked and said something stupid. After that you lost power over the lie and it totally metastasised into something you didn’t want at all. I think you should get some therapy, work out whether it’s in everyone’s best interest to come clean or not, and either way, learn to forgive yourself – what you did wasn’t unforgivable, it was a daft mistake by a person in a really dark place in their life. You wouldn’t have done it if you’d been in your right mind or thought it through- which you obviously weren’t and didn’t. I don’t think you’re a bad person – a bad person wouldn’t feel bad about it. Hope things get better for you OP
At least it pushed you out of the relationship .. bottle it up, you’ll hurt people for no reason but your own… it’s been long over with … move forward with better steps
if they wont be a part of your life either way, just tell them. alleviates the guilt. ive admitted to worse and survived
i feel bad for everyone involved. it was a shitty thing to do, that friend probably forgot about the situation for the most part, your ex might still think about it from time to time depending on the story you spun him, you’ve been sitting with the weight of that guilt on your chest for years. i agree there’s not much point to fessing up to him now, you should definitely feel guilty but i think that guilt alone is almost atonement. i’ve had a miscarriage, my feelings toward it are different then most but the loss of a life is never to be taken lightly, if you’re religious then you’ll atone in the afterlife, if you’re not religious admitting to what you’ve done and feeling remorse could very well be your karma. all there is to do from here is be better moving forward.
It’s everyone’s first time figuring life out. The important part is that you learned from it
Just tell them why you did it. Tell them you had a moment where you thought only of yourself and you made a mistake. As long as you are not repeating this behavior you should be able to gain new respect and trust if they were friends to begin with. Tell them you didn’t want to make them feel foolish and that you lacked the maturity and coping skills to be truthful at the time. Being young has many good things like bravery and naïveté, but it also has ignorance and misguided decisions. Ask for forgiveness, not re-friending. That will help clear your conscience and you can move forward with a clean slate. But whatever you do, don’t lie anymore.
You are aware how awful is it you feel guilt and that’s healthy. But don’t live in it. Accept that you did something wrong (accepting isn’t approval) and live by your values. It wouldn’t help anyone in this situation to come clean so it’s not effective. You know it was awful. Don’t do it again and live by your values. I know it doesn’t feel that simple but the more you lean into acceptance the more relief you will feel. Punishing yourself over it won’t change it. Don’t suffer because you think it will.
Suicide is your only option
Idk men lie to their partners all the time and most of them sure aren’t being tortured by the guilt. Let it go
Live with it bro
“I did a terrible thing to someone i cared for that I knew i shouldnt have done, then never told him. Now i need to tell the internet so they will order me to do what i knew i should have done years ago. Why? Because when i come back and create turmoil in his life again (now that he finally looks to be doing great) i atleast can do it knowing randoms online said i should do it and be “in the right” and not a petty bitch”
It sounds like you need to tell them to move on. I’m not sure if telling them is what’s best for them but perhaps it’ll give them closure over time. Put what you pretty much put here in a letter for each of them, let them know you’re sorry that your apology and honesty is so late, and that you aren’t expecting anything from them but thought they deserve to know the truth for the reasons you did what you did and you understand how every part of that was wrong.
Please get therapy to help yourself!
You were young and that you had the conscious awareness to feel guilty about it. It shows that you’re not a terrible person. You’re just a person who was incredibly immature and unhealthy and made a horrible decision. You’ve confessed your confessed to God and ask for forgiveness. If it still won’t go away maybe it’s important to go to those two people in humility and tell them what you did and apologize. That will bring ultimate healing. Though if it’s not a good idea to connect with him again, know that confessing here, to God, in genuine humility and remorse, which you seem to have, and living your life as authentic as possible from here on out, is sufficient. It’s incredibly the decision’s we make as selfish young people that have lasting negative impact on our lives. I can honestly say no one has hurt me and caused more suffering in my life than myself. I have struggled so much to forgive myself of my youth. I have been told so many times to put the bat down and it’s taken an immense amount of work to do so. The most helpful things has been growing with God and accepting that I have a savior who came for this exact reason. He paid it all. The more I know him the more I realize that my unwillingness to forgive myself and others, minimizes what he did for me. I struggled so much to believe in Jesus. I need to see it, fully understand to believe. But I surrendered and said, if you are real, show me, I give you my life. And man has he shown me. It has not been easy. Sanctification is a process and I will never be perfect. But the more I grow in faith, the easier it is to walk in faith. Forgiveness is everything. You cannot forgive others if you can’t forgive yourself. Unforgiveness creates bitterness and rots the bones. I have been so unwilling for so long to forgive myself and others. A few years ago after I had been battling with severe chronic pain for awhile, I became overwhelmed with the realization of self righteousness when I had a discussion with my husband. I instantly became overwhelmed with the fear of being bitter. My Mon and my grandmother are extremely bitter women. I got on my knees in overwhelming grief and asked God to help me not become bitter, to heal me of the bitterness I had. And OH. MY. GOSH. Have I been on a journey to forgiveness ever since. My bones had already been rotting from bitterness by that point. I came from bitter people and inherited bitterness and had already acquired much more by the time I said that prayer. I have bone degeneration that is abnormal for my age. I’m 43 and my bones look like I’m 63. I can’t change what’s been done, but God is healing my heart everyday and I walk in more and more freedom as I journey with him. If you are not spiritual, I highly recommend giving Jesus a chance to wow you as I was not either and very resistant and it’s absolutely the best decision I ever made. I pray you are able to forgive and live life abundantly and free. 🙏🏻❤️
But he was wounded for our transgressions, he was bruised for our iniquities: the chastisement of our peace was upon him; and with his stripes we are healed. Isaiah 53:5-7
GOD. DAMN.
We all do stupid, regrettable things in our early twenties. Things we cringe about for years. Be kinder to yourself. Let sleeping dogs lie and move on.
I just wanna say that you’re not a horrible person. Good people make bad decisions sometimes. The fact that you show remorse and feel guilty says a lot. Go easy on yourself and take it as a learning experience.
I hope you’re able to forgive yourself and find some sort of peace with it.
I’d agree with letting sleeping dogs lie… unless the guy comes back into her life or ever reaches out to ask about it again.
I think if he presents you with a chance to come clean, then it’ll do your soul a lotta good if you got it off your chest, but I don’t think it’s a good idea to go and break this news to him otherwise. Especially if it did really rattle him.
Can I ask, when you finally ended things with him, what did you tell him was your reason? Cuz if you used the miscarriage as the reason to end things, then yea that’s a pretty f’ed up way to yoyo a guy’s feelings… Use it to get him back n use it to push him away once you’ve had enough…
And you don’t think him or the friend ever wondered why you grew so distant after that?
I mean, growing distant with him would make sense, sure… But doesn’t the friend gotta kinda wonder what they did to deserve the same treatment?
This is one of those lies that I think you just have to eat and keep to yourself because while the truth might make you feel better, I’m not sure it will be the same for him