Met a girl at a bookstore. She asked my sign. I panicked and said “Cancer rising, Pisces moon, emotionally hydrated” whatever that means.
She looked at me like I’d just read her soul.
Long story short: I got lucky.
Problem is… she told her friends. Now I’ve somehow become “the emotionally intuitive guy who knows your Venus placement.”
I’ve read enough birth charts to qualify for a fake PhD.
I have an email list.
I told a coworker Mercury was in Gatorade just to buy myself a meeting extension.
And worst of all?
…I think I believe in this shit now.
TL;DR
Lied about astrology to get laid. Now I give people spiritual guidance at brunch.
Comments
Don’t worry, any guy saying he’s into Astrology does it for the exact same reason.
Nobody sane actually believes in that bullshit.
Good for you.
Mercury in the Gatorade was actually an alternate ending to Terminator 2, in which where T1000 travels to Gotham and faces off with Bane at the stadium that Bane bombed or whatever purple monkey dishwasher.
Haha love it! The more you think about it the more you’ll think it’s true.
Kumaré
BTW Christian mega churches do this 24/7 since the dawn of time
how well did that excuse go down haha
Mercury was in gatorade bro no 😭
The real question, do you continue to get laid?
Most cults, I mean, religions started the same exact way
HERO
Sounds like sm a Taurus would do…
Time to start a Substack my dude – and get paid.
Give away some nice bits in the free section, but hint at the mysteries within.
Get your girlfriend and her friends to out the word out.
This could be a nice little side hustle for you!
Mercury is in Gatorade is the joke of the month. Awesome. You win April!
It’s easy to believe because that’s how it works.. it’s all vague enough to apply to just about anyone. And when it doesn’t, we tend to forget or not care.
lol Mercury in Gatorade….instead of Mercury in Retrograde…
Story of my life
This is hilarious! I’m dying at the ‘Mercury in Gatorade’ line. The whole thing is a wild ride, and I’m invested in seeing how this full moon newsletter business plays out. Please update us!
This is thanks for the good belly laugh, headed to the gym!
Stay toxic king
GATORADE?! 💀🤣
How do I sign up for your newsletter?
Yesterday I learned that LuLu Lemon clothing, the company that became popular for Yoga pants for women, is made in China by people who would would pronounce it “Woo-Woo Women.” Your post reminded me of that thought.
Don’t worry, you can’t lie about something that’s not real to begin with.
I always say Mercury is upside down but im stealing the Gatoride bit for sure
LMAO
I bet I know where you wanted your Venus located
I feel like astrology works more if you believe in it.
The title reads like a modern anime. I’d watch it.
Gatorade??
It’s retrograde LMAO
I love the title of this post am currently belly laughing looking forward to reading the copy
Plot twist: the women are bullshitting too
Lmao this is so funny I love it. Let me guess!! You met her on a 8h/9h or vertex transit
Make a small website and target Indian audience and keep printing.. Your side hustle chose you!
r/thathappened
It’s impossible to “fake know” astrology. You making shit up, is in fact legit astrology. That’s a real as it gets so don’t feel bad.
You’re in too deep, good luck soldier
All I’m hearing here is that it worked. Congrats.
Funny and cute. I’m Cancer rising and Piscesmoon for real though 😂
Bro is just secretly controlling the planets like imagine.
“Breaking News! Venus’s atmosphere is starting to turn into a color astronomist who discovered the phenomenon can only describe as ‘Gatorade Thirst Quencher Orange’ “