I fcked up

English in not my first language so I’m sorry if some things are unclear

I’m going to use random letters instead of the names

This just happened so I’m still shaken and the story can be confusing

So I have been dating for almost 4 years a girl named B and today she found out I was cheating and confronted me. She was very sad, shaking and crying but it’s my fault. For some context: Me and her have been distant for the last year and I started going to the gym at the start of May/April and before that I met a girl on discord in a call with my friends, her name is R, she lived close to the gym so she got her subscription and started going with me as she always wanted to train but didn’t know much about training, so I told her, if you train with me I got you covered. We connected very well even before going to the gym together and she is like the female version of me. I was being outgoing and semi-flirting for fun at the start but she caught feelings and it was too late to go back, we keept talking all day in instagram dms and sometimes in discord calls playing some games or whatever, but she always suspected I had a girlfriend, she asked my friends and got answers like, “yes” “idk” “ask him”. So she started becoming more distant as she suspected I was dating someone else, I’m in 12th grade so prom happened last month in June 11th. We both went, but we are from separate schools, so we stayed with our friends at the start and then we met up to talk just the 2 of us later at around midnight. It was fun, everyone was in a good mood, we flirted. Then I sat with her and her friend named K. So K started taking videos of us together in a sneaky way (she told her friends about us even tho I told her not to) and then I got up as I was getting some dry replies from R. I knew she suspected something but when I was gone. Another friend of hers named S told her I had a girlfriend since last year at least (this girl came up to me in the pool last summer and asked if her friend could have my instagram, I was confused and baffled, so then she asked, “oh you got a girlfriend?” And I just nodded yes. This was way before I met R. S said it was okay and walked off, then I felt bad and had to go to the bathroom, S was there with the girl that wanted my instagram, her name is M, they were looking back and telling eachother I was coming. I went to the bathroom and passed by them, then I got out and talked to S as it would be awkward not to, and I said: “Hey, she can have my instagram but it’s only for friendship” I said this because I went to the pool alone as none of my friends can usually go. But then M texted me and started flirting, I was being nice and probably too much as she probably thought I was flirting too. She even sent me pics and then regretted it saying “oh sorry, too early too much” (it was normal pics mirror or selfie pics, nothing crazy) and she said this because I didn’t reply.
Anyways, S knew I dated back then but didn’t know if I was still dating when she told R at prom, but as R always suspected it so she kind of got some confirmation. After prom, R’s mother also took me and K to our respective houses. And I talked to R after, we talked from 4 to 6am, and I asked why she was being dry and shutting doing my flirting, and she told me what happened when I was gone and S talked to her, and I said, but you were being dry before that, and she said yes I was because I’ve always suspected you dated, so were you dating last year? And I said, yes I was. I never told her I still am but she thought I wasn’t anymore. We kept talking and stuff and then I told her, you seemed to want to kiss me even though you suspected I was dating? And she confirmed it and pushed it off. She really likes me too and has been wanting to kiss me since we went to the gym, she admitted it too. Both her and B are very sweet girls and I never wanted to hurt any of them, but exam season is right now and I wanted to take a decision with a clear head after the exams. By the way me and R have a mutual friend name G, he is her best friend and so me and R met through him in a discord call. He knew I dated B but didn’t tell R and even “helped” me with her, he sometimes told me to breakup with B and stay with R and other times it would be the opposite, keep in mind he 16, R is 17, I’m 18 and B is 19. G is also a playboy, he goes out, pulls girls, kisses them and moves onto the next so his advice probably wasn’t to be trusted. As I said I would have taken a decision after the exams but G and R have been distant, G is her bestfriend and obviously told her, he himself says he’s a manipular and he did manipulate me because I kind of let him. I knew this was gonna happen but I wanted to take action and talk to B and R after the exams. All of this happened (just an expression, ik I fucked up) because last week me and R went to G’s house and she was already used to being in my lap, play fighting, as everytime we went to his house we did that but that day I put water in my mouth and then gave it to her, and so I was like we already touched lips so I might aswell kiss her, and G saw the kiss, idk what I was doing, because I have a girlfriend and I knew R suspected stuff, G also knew the whole story and so it was a recipe for disaster. I asked G and R to hangout again this week as G can only hangout Monday and Tuesday, R said she didn’t want to as she was burned from going with me and G to the pool on tuesday, the kiss happened on monday, sorry if I mixed the days, (B’s friend also works as a lifeguard in the outside pools and saw us 3, and even send B a pic if me with them, he knew G and they talked a lot. I also know him because of B and I did some small talk, B replied to the pic saying she knew I was there with them) and this week G said he had things to do monday and tuesday he “just couldn’t”. Tuesday being today. He called me and said me and R are outside your house, I was like no way wtf are yall doing here, they said they would come one day as my parents also permitted it. I went with them up the street and I was like this is kinda fishy but let’s go, and then B and her sister, T, pulled up. I was like fuck, it ends here. And so her sister was the one that saw the dms and screenshots of me and R as B just couldn’t. G talked to B’s cousin, N, as he knew her. Then got T’s instagram, and finally talked to B aswell, at this point he had already talked to R aswell. So I went straight into the trap and T was the one that was like, do you want to talk or do you want me to talk, because clearly you know what’s going on. I said she could talk and she scolded me, as she should, R also said I was dumb for hurting both of them (I agree). And G was like, I told you to block R and stay with B. So I betrayed my girlfriend and my friend betrayed me by saying the truth. It is my mistake and I did cheat physically with R but I didn’t love her like I do B. I want to stay with B. But I’m at a hard point in my life where everything is going south, I’m failing my exams, my parents only scold and shout at me, they want me to be a perfect robot, get my drivers license, study, hangout with B. And they also lied to me and made up a whole story that took what I most loved, training, which was the gym and swimming (I have free gym because my swimming team has partnered with the gym). Forgot to mention why I started going to the gym and then invited R: When I broke my pinky finger (if I say hand, it’s my pinky finger, not my hand) after I got my cast off, I decided the gym was better for me as I couldn’t swim nearly as good and my finger would cramp and couldn’t stay in line with the rest of my fingers, it would for a bit but then it would feel like it was hanging on like a shitty bluetooth connection.

And so this is pretty much the whole story. I feel like killing myself. B said she still loves me, I do too, but she said she couldn’t trust me and couldn’t be with me if she didn’t trust me. She said we could still talk and she would help me with anything but I feel like It’s really over and we won’t be dating anymore. R probably doesn’t want anything too as I also betrayed her (she also has a fear of commitment, sometimes she said to G and me that she wanted to date me, other times she said she was not ready, other times she just didn’t know). She started as my distraction for my sad life and loss of contact with B as she is in University and we are barely together. R was like my escape to reality, I also haven’t been training and it affects my mental health a lot, one thing led to another and I found myself deep in my own grave. Idk what to do. I’m broken. I want to kill myself. And somehow I was calm when they all confronted me about it. T was pissed at how calm I was. But what am I supposed to do? I’m already broken, I already lost myself, I’m not going to cry. The damage is done. I knew this was gonna happen. I just wanted to delay it after the exams to try and fix it maybe, at least I would be the one exposing the whole situation. B was also helping me study. And I still love her. I also gave her less love, I was more distant because of my situation with R. I felt bad for her and had the biggest sadness inside of me, because how could I get myself to this point? Of cheating, after 3 years in a solid relationship. With the most loyal, loving and caring girl I could ever get?
Idk what to do, help me. It was so painfull seing B say those things to me, she truly loves me and I do too. But it’s my fault and I’m miserable. I lost the only thing I had left. Forgot to mention that they confronted me in the street of my house, a little above the street where my mom couldn’t see us outside, my mom shouted my name as I was gone from the house when I was already talking to B alone, to clear things up. So I had to come home and said goodbye to all of them in a rush (the 4 of them kept talking there). I still need to talk to B, she doesn’t hate me even after this, she loves me, she’s the best girlfriend I could have ever asked for. I also found it weird that R didn’t text me anything today, the gig was already up and I suspected but blinded myself as a coping mechanism. Forgot to to mention 1 hour before this happened, G called me and asked what I would do if B found out and I said: “what am i supposed to do? I would talk to B, tell her what happened and see if she still wanted to date me but probably not.” He recorded our call and sent it to B and T, and 1 hour later he called telling me to go outside and then the whole thing happened.

Timeline is a mess but so is my life

My parent’s dont know and B also doesn’t want them to know, that’s why they were more above in my house’s steeet. They like her more then they like me. They even say I’m a bad bf but they don’t know how I treat her, well usually, before this whole thing with R.

Idk what to do. My life seems like it’s over.

Update: I talked to a friend and it helped. Also talked to G and he said R found out and pressed him about it so he told her everything, G might be lying or maybe R was bluffing. G said R is probably not gonna talk to me and he said she seems fine and that she can easily detach from someone, I wasn’t just someone to her and I know she is hurt too, reality hasn’t really kicked in for me nor R I think. Idk why I am so calm in this situation, I also need to be so my parents don’t find out. They already hate me enough, they liked B a lot, maybe even more than they like me.