TW: assault, racism
TL;DR: Should I let my best friend know the full depth of how worried my household is for her? How do I even approach this?
Posting this in here and in r/advice because I really don’t know what to do.
My best friend recently got into a relationship (no more than 2 months relationship). She is very excited about this relationship because they share the same culture, and are very connected to their cultural experiences and learning more together. I was happy she found someone that made her happy, but the more I have hung out or interacted with this guy, the more I am worried for her.
-
Starting off the bat, I told her he reminds me of my uncle…which is not a good compliment at all. My uncle, though he treated me kindly, was a very dangerous man that assaulted and took advantage of people. I told her I’m uncertain and really uneasy of her boyfriend.
-
I feel like there is extreme lovebombing happening. They are calling eachother husband/wife, already saying I love you (I’m a U-Haul queer, so I feel can’t say much on that). He’s giving her plenty of cash for food and gas, which I feel guilty I even accepted the offer once. He seems overly protective and anxious about if she is mad or upset with him. Talking all the time on the phone. Other behaviour that in a new relationship could seem sweet, but I really fear it’s going to become possessive and controlling.
-
he is incredibly racist and says the N word and racist remarks a LOT. She shuts him down when he says these remarks, but he still continues to say them. I was so uncomfortable last time that I was considering leaving by myself, except we were in a bad area at night. The next time I see her, I’m informing her that I won’t be allowing him into my house because those words are not permitted in my home, and my other best friend that I live with for almost 10 years is Black. They deserves to feel safe in their own home.
-
about entering my house….he wouldn’t even be able to until end of the year. He very recently went on house arrest because of assaulting people last year. I’ve listened and tried to be empathetic and understanding of the circumstances (he was recently sober, anger issues that he’s worked through the past year with therapy, he’s been assaulted by people in the past as well, the other individuals were bad characters etc.). But still, I really fear if they argue, she tries to set healthy boundaries, or would want to leave, that she may get hurt, emotionally, verbally, physically etc.
There are other bits about him that have me worried about who she is getting into a relationship with, but these are the main ones that stand out to me. I believe people can change, and been dealt a bad hands
of cards in life, but I still really worry for my friend.
I don’t like him.
My partner doesn’t like him.
My roommate/other best friend doesn’t like him.
Anyone who has heard anything about him, positive or not, doesn’t like him.
It seems like the only people that are approving of this relationship are his mother, and some people at the cultural centre they go to together. Again, I understand the cultural connection is really important to her, but with this particular guy I am really worried.
I know she has been through a lot, and is going through a lot as well this year, including a dying parent. I also know this is her own decision to be in this relationship, and all I can do is be there for her. Her last “relationship” was a years long situationship with an avoidant boy, so this guy being anxious and affectionate is very exciting/different to her.
Should I let her know the full depth of how worried my household is for her? How do I even approach this?
Comments
Did you complain about her last dude that sucked and she still defended him and stayed with him?
This is all anyone needs to know that your friend is kind of cooked. If they’re ignoring this, that’s a massive issue
No. Not “my household”. That is using community coercion. Not cool. It can feel like bullying/ganging up. Speak for yourself.
No. Not your uncle. While good for you to know, that is accusatory and unhelpful comparison draw at this point.
Yes! Specific behaviours like love bombing, and the high-anxiety attachment that can stifle open communication, and end up being about control, not consideration.
Yes! The racism. Which indicates a capacity for irrational hatred. When someone thinks “Those people are monsters/sub-human.” It means they can think that about you too, when it’s convenient. Shutting him down is good, but shutting him down is not a cure. It’s a bandaid for a bullet wound.
And Yes! The assault, and specifically the assault and impulse control issues combined with the speed and intensity of the relationship. While he may have done great work, being poorly regulated with positive (love bombing, hyper sensitive and anxiety about someone he cares for) is often a sign of still being poorly regulating with the negative emotions as well.
Talk to your friend about your concerns and only your concerns. Acknowledge you see her setting some healthy boundaries, but you’re still concerned. Tell her, and mean it, that you’ll respect her choice. If you need boundaries with him as well, I’d suggest at this point you keep that to a separate conversation. This first conversation is entirely about the concerning behaviours you’ve seen.
“Hey, I have a lot of concerns, but all that really matters is you’re dating a racist. If you want to date him, that’s your prerogative, even if I’m worried about you and this relationship, but you need to know he’ll never be welcome at my place or anything I host. I’m not friends or amiable with racists. They’re not good people, and that isn’t a small character flaw, that’s about as big a red flag as you can get.”