So at 16, my parents allowed me to fly out to meet a 23yo online “friend” who, as you can guess, groomed me and SA’d me. I assumed they really believed we were friends and their homophobia made them oblivious, like “my child can’t be that” type of thing.
On this trip at 16, I shared a hotel room with that person for a few days, not a question to why I had hickeys after. This person even stayed at our house multiple times, sharing my bed. By the time I understood the abusive nature of this, we were 19 and 27.
I’d always considered my parents naive and oblivious to the whole thing. I always knew they were extremely homophobic but recently Ive overheard them saying that same sex relationships just a “play pretend,” and how they don’t even have “real sex”
Now, I can’t help but wonder if they knew the whole time? Did they allow it because they didn’t consider it “real” sex?
I just can’t find logical reason for them to allow it. To let me fly 2k km to see a stranger at 16. I mean, my mom literally booked the hotel room for us because I was too young to do it myself. They thought it’s nothing or that maybe I will get hurt and it will “cure” me? Or it’s a phase I need to go through?
I feel so confused and betrayed. As a kid I went through a lot of stuff too, and I always thought If my parents knew they would’ve helped me but now I can understand that Id always shown clear signs.. maybe they simply didn’t care enough to help
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I’m really sorry to hear this. Your parents did let you down.
You received poor parenting. Your feelings are valid and a good therapist can help.
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Does it matter if it was intentional or due to neglect? Either way, you were put into abusive situations because of their lack of care and consideration. Having homophobic parents as a queer kid is another form of abuse. Your feelings are valid reguardless of their intentions or understanding. You deserved better, and you don’t owe them forgiveness or understanding. You deserved parents who kept you safe and loved you unconditionally.
I think that, kinda like you, they probably trusted your friend and that you knew this person and would be safe. They were sadly wrong about this, but other than naivety and blanket homophobia I think it’s wise to assume they thought this was a safe decision and you’d get to have a fun trip.
As a teen I had plenty of older friends of other genders, none of them tried to SA me. They cared for me and protected me! I think your parents mistakenly assumed you’d be safe. I’m sure that the same sex nature of the friendship also reassured them, as it is less common for that to happen and straight people definitely don’t think SA happens in queer relationships.
I hope you get the therapy you need to heal, and that you don’t have to be around your homophobic parents anymore.
Hi
Your parents handled this situation with extreme naivety, and that’s putting it kindly. I’m so sorry they let you down like that.
I’m really sorry. Your parents failed to protect and that was extremely wrong of them. You deserved better and all your feelings are valid.
Have you asked them why? Without accusing them? They probably believed you when you told them they were just a friend. It probably was not done maliciously. 16 is super young to send your kid off to a hotel but think about what you might have told them, did you beg them to go? Did the older person talk to your folks? I am not saying absolve them of anything but how you approach them can either be volatile or communicative.
THe SA is not your fault. That person is in the wrong on so many levels. Im sorry they took advantage of you that way.
Whether they knew or not, you’ve had to deal with the pain and harm that has come from their decisions, and for that I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry. Definitely seems like homophobia and deep denial resulted in this horrific neglect and child endangerment.
My parents operated similarly when I was growing up.
I’ve gotten a lot from watching Gabor Mate interviews on youtube that help me understand the impacts of neglect and lots of other stuff too.
I’m so sorry your parents failed you.
I like to believe that all of us parents are doing the best we can, but we know from the world around us that isn’t always the case.
Just because you can’t get pregnant from same-sex intercourse does not make it less “real”
I have a 14 year old non binary kid right now. They have friends they’ve talked to on Xbox for years, if at 16 they wanted to fly out and meet one of them, there would be A LOT of discussion, and in the end of we determined that meeting in person was acceptable, I WOULD GO WITH!
No way am I letting my teenager go meet a stranger from the internet alone.
I wish I could hug you, SA is NEVER your fault.
As a teenager, you shouldn’t have been assumed to be mature enough to make those kinds of decisions.
We all * thought we knew everything at 16-18. My dumbass even got married at 18.
Terrible decision (he was 29 so I can relate a little bit)
I hope you are able to heal from what you experienced and that your parents can learn to be supportive of who you are.
Gently, most parents can be idiots but almost none of them would knowingly allow their child to be groomed and assaulted. Parents can be absolutely blind to things that seem clear in hindsight. They may have failed you, but it doesn’t mean they didn’t care about you.
There are many things I wish my parents had done differently or intervened around, but I know they tried hard and their mistakes didn’t come from not caring about me. At the time I worked hard to make them think everything was OK and now I feel conflicted about blaming them for not figuring me out sooner.
Therapy helped me work through this issue and might be helpful for you, too.
Well, they could sabotage your life under the cover that you wanted to go and they ‘wErE hElPiNg YoU’
Some parents are neglectful and also outright harmful in ways they could avoid any consequences on.