I grew up in an emotionally and physically abusive household. For much of my life, I held on to the hope that a boyfriend, someone kind and loving, would eventually come and save me. That fantasy was shaped by the Disney movies and shows I grew up watching, where a sweet boy always came into the girl’s life, they fell in love, got married, and everything was happily ever after.
At the same time, my parents constantly pressured me to get married before I became “too old,” “expired,” or “lost my worth as a woman.” The message was clear: if I didn’t marry soon, I’d end up a “lonely cat woman with no kids.” So I internalized the belief that I needed a man, someone who wasn’t my father, to make me happy or support me in life.
Everything changed when I moved out of my parents’ home and began dating for the first time at 22, something I was never allowed to do as a child. My experience with dating has been deeply disappointing. Growing up in an all-girls school and having little to no interaction with boys shielded me from what men are often like in the real world. I had only my father and Disney as references, and those turned out to be incredibly misleading.
Now that I’ve started dating, I feel like I’m sifting through the trash. Many men my age especially seem to only want sex, or they act entitled to my body just because they paid for the first date. Of course, not all men are like this, but a significant number are, and it’s disheartening. It feels like most men my age aren’t interested in the same things I am, like building a meaningful, long-term relationship. Maybe it’s different in India, but this is my experience in Canada.
Seeing my own mother remain deeply unhappy even after marriage and children has made me question everything I was taught. Is marriage and motherhood really the key to happiness for all women? Or is it just another tool used to control us? I’m beginning to realize that relying on something as fickle and fleeting as romantic love for happiness might not be wise. Maybe the better advice is to first find happiness within ourselves before placing it in a partner, children, or any external factor.
When I first moved to a new country, I went “boy crazy,” hoping to find a man who would take care of me. But over time, I’ve come to see how much I based my emotional well-being on having a man in my life. That kind of dependence is incredibly risky. What happens when he loses interest? That realization hit hard. I don’t actually need a man to survive; I’ve made it this far largely on my own, aside from my father. And even then, I’ve come to terms with the fact that I may never find a man who will love me unconditionally the way a parent is supposed to.
I think a lot of Indian women are taught to rely on men because we come from societies that were built by men to keep women dependent. Even if we’ve physically left those environments, the mindsets they instilled in us still linger. Unlearning them is difficult, but it’s necessary, and I’m finally beginning to understand that my worth, happiness, and future don’t have to be tied to any man.
Now, I don’t think people should never date. But I do believe we as women must prioritize our own goals first. Please don’t suffer in silence like so many of our mothers did, just to avoid “bringing shame” to the family. Do not rely on a man—build a life of your own. Be financially independent as soon as you can so that if you ever find yourself in an abusive or unsafe situation, you have the means to leave. Your freedom, safety, and peace of mind should never depend on someone else’s approval or presence.
And lastly, if a man doesn’t want to date you simply because you’re over 30, then he was never worth dating in the first place. Your value doesn’t expire with age. A man who sees your worth only through youth is not someone who will ever value your depth, your strength, or your heart.