I feel guilty about the consequences of my actions in a previous relationship M38 F35

I am feeling intense guilt about the ramifications of a relationship I ended a number of years ago.

In my 20s I dated a girl for a total of 5 years. It was a true “first love” experience and we experienced some incredible “once in a lifetime” experiences which I’ll never forget.

However, it became apparent that she had experienced a troubled past. She confided in me that she had been through an abusive experience when younger which had significantly impacted her personality and resulted in an eating disorder (I saw signs of this at the time, but nothing major, apart from evidence of historic self harm). Her father leaving home when she was a teenager also contributed to an abandonment complex. Whilst I knew all of this and was sympathetic, I suppose I largely ignored it as we were too busy living a hugely fun and privileged lifestyle.

About two years into our relationship I was offered the opportunity to spend some time overseas by my employer. Whilst I offer no excuses, I was a selfish and emotionally immature person and thought entirely about myself rather than her. Rather than discuss with her, I essentially informed her I was going (initially for a year and a half). She was absolutely devastated and this clearly elicited feelings of abandonment all over again. Due to a combination of sympathy, cowardice and genuinely caring for her I suggested that we maintain a long distance relationship, which we managed to maintain, although I was deeply unfair in subsequently extending my stay abroad without consulting her. I deeply regret not breaking things off before I left to go abroad and indulging my interests over hers.

After two and a half years I returned to the city in which she lived and we resumed our relationship, although I quickly knew (and think I knew deep down whilst I was abroad) that I did not want to continue it. I broke things off with her within 6 months of being back and she was clearly devastated. Whilst I told her it was due to commitment issues, I think I simply couldn’t see myself with her long term. We didn’t speak for about 9 months after that.

Eventually she reached out and we went for a drink “as friends”. We left and then texted from time to time as friends whilst I began dating other people. I got the impression she perhaps wasn’t over me as occasionally she’d ask me to eg go to a party with her but things were kept at a relative distance.

About a year later I got a call from her saying that she had been sectioned (ie forcibly committed) and was in an eating disorder clinic after having an extreme bout of anorexia. Unbeknownst to me, her anorexia had been triggered off the back of our breakup and had deteriorated to the point of requiring clinical intervention. This was just the beginning of a completely hellish period for her which remains ongoing.

I was absolutely shocked when she was initially admitted and I went to visit her in the clinic. It was incredibly upsetting experience to see her looking so frail and I was shaken by the whole thing. I did not know what to think but, as she was at a well known clinic, hoped she would make a swift and full recovery. I was clearly naive and did not realise how extreme her illness was. Whilst she has made partial recoveries (enough to be released) she has always relapsed and this and has resulted in her being committed to eating disorder hospital on 10+ subsequent occasions.

For the first few admissions I would try and support her by visiting and texting, although never mentioning anything about my romantic life. I felt that she was in a fragile state and saying anything about that would set her back. I did, on one occasion, mention that I had been seeing someone and it hadn’t worked out and she was distraught, mentioning that “everyone was moving on with their lives”.

As time has passed, and her admissions have become more regular, her situation has deteriorated as she has lost her job and had to move back to her birth city. As time has gone on, when I’ve spoken to her she has become more despairing and said increasingly ominous things about her future . Over time I have reduced contact to the point where, until recently, I had not had any contact for 18 months.

In this time, I have got married and out of respect to my wife, thought it would be a good time for all involved to roll off contact as i suspected my involvement was of no real good to my ex but rather gave her home of us being reunited (particularly as I’ve never mentioned romantic life).

However, this week she unexpectedly reached out and asked to talk. I informed her via text that I was now married (I thought I couldn’t put this off any longer) and queried whether she still wanted to talk. She said she did as there were things she needed to say “before she went”. The phrasing of this was hugely alarming to me, particularly as she has had suicidal thoughts in the past and a history of self harm.

We spoke on the phone and she was clearly in a very depressed and emotional state, asking why she “was never good enough”, telling me she didn’t have the strength to continue on, saying she had ruined her life and telling me our time together was the best of her life. She also said the ending of the relationship is what has broken her. Through tears, she also asked me to promise that “if anything happened to her” that I would share photos of happier times with her mum.

The call ending with me wishing her well but also an overwhelming sadness at what her life has become and how hopeless it seems.

I feel an immense guilt and weight of responsibility for the situation. It’s clear that the ending of our relationship was a fork in the road for her which has sent her into an awful spiral which she seemingly cannot get out of. This may seem hyperbolic but i deeply fear – and don’t think it’s an overstatement to say – that unless she recovers soon (which seems increasingly unlikely) that she could succumb to the illness. She has become increasingly frail and has been told that if she doesn’t recover after this admission the next time she would likely be put in a care home/hospice as she’s deemed not to have any realistic chance of recovery.

I’m not sure how I would cope with that emotionally. I feel at the moment that my own selfishness, cowardice and naivite has irreparably damaged someone incredibly innocent and vulnerable and I cannot move beyond the guilt. I know, as my wife reminds me, that she has a severe illness which is responsible for this but I can’t help but think my actions have been directly responsible for exacerbating the situation to the point it’s at. If we had never met, or I had ended things after a few months, perhaps she would have met someone who would have helped her work through her underlying trauma and lived a normal life. It feels that I have set in motion a chain of events which is slowly but surely ruining someone else’s life in the most horrific fashion.

I am not at all sure how I can repent for my actions and what I should do going forwards (ie whether to ignore any future attempts at contact). My wife is incredibly kind and understanding but I can’t help think that this is a huge emotional intrusion in our relationship which is inappropriate and needs to be resolved

TL;DR: I ended a relationship 7 years ago and my ex developed severe anorexia that she attributes to our breakup, resulting in 10+ hospitalizations. She recently contacted me after 18 months, I told her I’m now married, and she’s now expressing suicidal thoughts – I’m struggling with guilt and don’t know what to do.​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​​