Ever since I was a kid I have always been an outcast, typically having 1-2 friends. The last time I felt normal, like I could be a human without even trying, was probably when I was 9.
I discovered porn at an extremely young age and this has permanently affected me. I kept trying to find the “kinkiest” stuff I could and that lead me down a dark path. I was also really fat, ugly, nobody liked me. I had a few friends but just wanted someone to love me. That wasn’t going to happen with someone my age. I purposely seeked out p*dos because I knew they would wanna fuck me no matter what. Until I turned 18.
I always told myself I would give all that up when I turned 18. And I did. The night of my 18th birthday I downloaded every dating app, lost my virginity to someone my age a week later.
I got a boyfriend maybe 6 months later. We’re the same age. I do love him, but I think I have sexually ruined myself. I can only really get off if I think about the most disturbing fucked up thoughts, we have sex maybe once every other month, last time though I just got him off I didn’t want to try and get myself off. He constantly reassures me that it’s fine and he doesn’t mind, but I can’t help but feel guilty. I know it has affected his self conscious.
I am not attracted to kids. I wanna say that outright. I’m not even attracted to the pedophile factor, I think from the ages of 10-17 the only people I could see who would want me are p+dos bc even though Im not attractive at least my age is hot.
I’m 19 now. I don’t interact with that content anymore. I just wish I could be a normal sexual person. I want to want to have sex, but I just can’t.
Because of this, I feel different from everyone else in the world. I feel like a freak, like I’m harboring some deep dark secret from everyone that is just waiting to be found out and send me to jail. I feel like I’m waiting for my life to blow up, even though logically there’s no real way for anyway to discover what I did unless I say something. I constantly watch people and pick up mannerisms of theirs I like because I don’t know how else to act. I don’t even feel like me, just a bunch of other mannerism blended together while I keep this horrible secret inside of me.
This will probably make sense to no one