I (21f) used to be involved with a guy I’ll call Donut(21m). It wasn’t a relationship… more like a messy, emotional non committal thing where in hindsight, I was just chasing validation. It got toxic… he would call me drunk, ignore me in public, and it always left me feeling worse. One night, he snapped and called me a burden… and it hit me hard because of past trauma I have around that word. He said this while on call with my close friend, Matt (19f) but he didn’t know I was there too.
Anyway, I realized Donut was bad for me and moved on… but it opened my eyes to how Matt was acting too.
Matt had her own thing going on with a guy named Chris(19m). I supported her through that… but at a party, Chris brought his friend Dil, who crossed serious boundaries with me while I was drunk. I didn’t fully process it until weeks later, but when I told Matt and a few other friends,I felt like she kinda just brushed it off. Sometimes, it felt like she made excuses for Chris and Dil being “better now” because of frat stuff… and it made me feel like my experience didn’t matter.
Eventually, I told Matt I needed to step away. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to choose me or Chris… but in a way, I guess I made it feel like an ultimatum. Like… it’s hard when his best friend violated me and betrayed me so badly and she still wanted to stay connected to them. It felt like… how could she not see how wrong that was? But at the same time, I get that putting her in that position wasn’t fair either.
Now, she’s hurt but from how I see it, she has a big support system, and it feels like everyone in our friend group is available to hear her side. I’m not mad at them… but I feel isolated, like I lost my best friend and my friends. I feel like the villain for standing up for myself instead of “keeping the peace.”
I guess my real question is… how do I not internalize being “the bad guy” for choosing myself?
Anyways, thanks for reading this! Any kind of help would be awesome. I kinda left out a few extra bits of context so I’m super to open to clarify any details.
TLDR:
Got stuck in a toxic non committal connection which help me realize my close friend also wasn’t showing up for me when something bad happened with her 2 month talking stage’s best friend. Ended up stepping away from the friendship because it hurt too much.
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: I (21f) used to be involved with a guy I’ll call Donut(21m). It wasn’t a relationship… more like a messy, emotional non committal thing where in hindsight, I was just chasing validation. It got toxic… he would call me drunk, ignore me in public, and it always left me feeling worse. One night, he snapped and called me a burden… and it hit me hard because of past trauma I have around that word. He said this while on call with my close friend, Matt (19f) but he didn’t know I was there too.
Anyway, I realized Donut was bad for me and moved on… but it opened my eyes to how Matt was acting too.
Matt had her own thing going on with a guy named Chris(19m). I supported her through that… but at a party, Chris brought his friend Dil, who crossed serious boundaries with me while I was drunk. I didn’t fully process it until weeks later, but when I told Matt and a few other friends,I felt like she kinda just brushed it off. Sometimes, it felt like she made excuses for Chris and Dil being “better now” because of frat stuff… and it made me feel like my experience didn’t matter.
Eventually, I told Matt I needed to step away. I didn’t want her to feel like she had to choose me or Chris… but in a way, I guess I made it feel like an ultimatum. Like… it’s hard when his best friend violated me and betrayed me so badly and she still wanted to stay connected to them. It felt like… how could she not see how wrong that was? But at the same time, I get that putting her in that position wasn’t fair either.
Now, she’s hurt but from how I see it, she has a big support system, and it feels like everyone in our friend group is available to hear her side. I’m not mad at them… but I feel isolated, like I lost my best friend and my friends. I feel like the villain for standing up for myself instead of “keeping the peace.”
I guess my real question is… how do I not internalize being “the bad guy” for choosing myself?
Anyways, thanks for reading this! Any kind of help would be awesome. I kinda left out a few extra bits of context so I’m super to open to clarify any details.
TLDR:
Got stuck in a toxic non committal connection which help me realize my close friend also wasn’t showing up for me when something bad happened with her 2 month talking stage’s best friend. Ended up stepping away from the friendship because it hurt too much.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Thanks for submitting to the Two Hot Takes Podcast Subreddit! We’d like to remind you that all posts are subject to being featured in an episode of the Two Hot Takes Podcast. If your story is featured you’ll
get a nifty flair change to let you know and we’ll drop a link so you can see our host’s take on your story.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.