I read this book in undergrad called Player Piano by Kurt Vonnegut. The main character, Isaac I believe, is an upper class engineer who has a curiosity about the lower class. People in his elitist circle often looked down on his association with the lower class, and many in the lower class resent him for being an engineer. Things work out for him though.
I feel like as an academic I’m in a relatable situation. Academia can be at times especially elitist or condescending. I stopped telling people outside of work that I’m a PhD student, instead referencing myself as a graduate student to keep it ambiguous. And it feels like it’s a status thing; so many people either immediately bestow praise upon you for being so smart or so exceptional, while others treat you with a cold, skeptical attitude for the rest of the night because they think you think you’re better than them.
In academia I feel like a black sheep. I’m much more into this for the research than the classes, and while I’ve learned so much from the curriculum I feel like all this schoolwork is killing my ambition for doing science. This balancing act is hard for me to juggle, and I can’t always meet people’s expectations, resulting in disappointed advisors and friends who deep down feel competitive about you.
I don’t know if anyone else can relate to these feelings, but sometimes it feels like nothings right for me. I tried industry, didn’t like it, I am going back to school and struggling to find enjoyment through the busywork, and it feels like I should just retire to the upper peninsula and become a fisherman. OK rant over, acknowledgements to my R01 NIH #42069 for supporting my unending suffering
Comments
Nice ending, ha ha.
There will literally never be any position in the world you could get that won’t make some people go “ugh, one of those”. You just gotta follow your own heart and decide what’s important to you, because external validation is always, always, always fleeting.
There’s no escape from judgement and status consciousness.
I’ve been to conferences with a name badge of an under-average university and a nice top-ish school. There difference in how people see you is notable. There is a noticeable glance at your badge (and I’m pretty sure they’re not interested in my name ha) and then either they move away from you or give you a respectable nod giving permission to be next to them.
And then I’ve seen demi-gods of my field literally step back away from me once they find out I’m on the teaching side… it’s a contagious condition.
Way of the world!
It’s completely normal to feel trapped in the limbo between academia and the “real world”. Academia can be a strange space that’s hard to navigate—filled with a bizarre mix of praise and suspicion. Just remember, you’re not alone in feeling like a misfit; lots of us here feel like black sheep at some point. Take it day by day, and maybe one day you’ll figure out if you’d rather stick with it or embrace the fisherman life.
Also never look up what the micro aggression mean. It is incorrect and inaccurate.