I feel like I can’t do anything right

r/

I(20f) have always had issues with people pleasing. I want to constantly make people happy and I feel like a disappointment when I don’t. My husband and I have been having small arguments lately, we always talk it through afterwards and forgive each other, but in the back of my mind I feel like one day he’s going to get tired of me and leave. I constantly feel like a problem and not just for him but for everyone around me. I feel like all I do is upset people and I can’t do anything else. Has anyone else felt like this and if so does the feeling ever go away? I have a panic attack every time I upset someone, and I just want this feeling to end.

Comments

  1. LostCanoe Avatar

    I have similar feelings all the time. As you get older, it becomes easier to process how you feel but it never goes away. You are 20 and they say the brain doesn’t finish fully forming until 25 or so. Give yourself some grace and try to remember to center yourself.

  2. UsualExchange3836 Avatar

    Yes, 100%. I have found it helps understanding my ADHD, and a concept called rejection sensitive dysphoria. Accepting that when I feel this way that it isn’t me and it isn’t my fault, and it is that I have trouble regulating my emotions has helped. Talk therapy has helped a lot. And I’ve worked on positive self-talk, identifying my feelings and where they come from, and similar things. Something a professor said to me after one of my shut downs – I apparently have difficulty emailing professors after things go wrong because I feel guilty even if it’s due to health reasons – was the idea of the stories we tell ourselves. We all have these stories that we tell ourselves, the negative self-talk, how everyone must think we are terrible and a horrible person becasue we are just a burden, etc. But that’s all they are, they are stories. If you actually ask anyone with an outside perspective, “hey, this is what happened and this is the story I’m telling myself, is it true?” for people like us who tend to feel so strongly, the answer is almost always no. No, that person isn’t waiting to reply to your email to make you feel worse for your late assignment. No, this one thing you messed up on doesn’t make you a bad person. The professor had learned about that from our director, who had read about it in she thought some Brene Brown books – apparently a great author. It also helped to learn about “highly sensitive people”, neurodivergence, cognitive behavioral therapy, and deep breathing in certain patterns (like in for 4, hold for 5, our for 7, hold for 2 I think) help calm our nervous system and help regulate us. Also even though I’m not autistic, it helps to self-regulate with movement and physical distractions for me while I’m breathing.
    There are also anxiety and depression medications that may be helpful. Feeling like this doesn’t make you broken or wrong, it means your brain has a hard time processing certain things and Regulating emotions, and it also could be due to chemicals that aren’t quite balance in your brain leading you to feel more negatively about yourself. I never thought I was depressed but was put on Cymbalta for muscle pain, and it turns out I cried less over little things and it also helped with my worse emotions around my period some too which were even more severe due to unrecognized depression. People can consider themselves happy and still have depression and/or anxiety, especially people like us who tend to people please and who tend to take on the emotions of those they are around (I’m going to guess you likely do that too). I had some genetic testing which showed 3 genetic mutations related to depression, including one for MTHFR and the other two related to serotonin I think. The two I don’t remember the names of mean some meds are more likely to work better for me than others and explain some of those feelings. The MTHFR one means that I can’t break down folic acid well, and the supplement l-mythelfolate is a bioavilable form you can take that helps with the problems related to that and the buildup of toxins in your body.
    Long story short, it does get better. Everything i mentioned has helped immensely, though I think time with my fiancé over the years, opening up to him and not having him end up leaving me because im a mess has probably been one of the biggest things to help. That safe and secure feeling of love has healed me in ways I didn’t realize I needed. I had it from my parents thankfully, but they were family so it felt like they had to love me. I’ve had so many friends I’ve lost for reasons I wasn’t even aware of, and some I’m still not, so it was always like I expected him to be fed up and leave on day like them. I’ve had a few breakdowns. One with the most recent loss of someone I never expected to hurt me and leave like that, and he was like why do you care so much, they aren’t worth your time or your tears, you deserve better. And I just blurted out that I was convinced she was right with what she said and I’m a horrible person and I’m gonna loose him too because I’m a mess. He was like hey, don’t say that, you mean too much to me for that and I’m hurt you would think that because you are so worth it and you are not a mess and because I put a ring on your finger and I’m planning on forever, I love you, and that isn’t going to change. I’ve done a lot of work on not spending time with people who make me feel otherwise, setting boundaries, and putting myself first in more of my family/friend relationships, and it has also helped. It took several years, likely due to friend loss from health issues about every 2 years that caused setbacks, but 8 years in and I only feel that way now on rare occasions for a day or so about 3 days before my period starts – though lately with a new birth control it’s less those feelings and more sad angry tears 😅. Oh, another thing to think about is if you are on birth control, that may be altering your emotions some too, I feel like my emotions have changed some in general with my birth control change, not just my emotions related to PMS/PMDD.
    I hope this helps! You’re not alone! Feel free to reach out if you need anything!

  3. Pretty-Bubble Avatar

    25, still in the same boat as you but it has gotten better and easier voicing my own opinions instead of word vomiting people-pleasing remarks and actions. The endless thoughts of messing up or disappointing people still lingers loud as ever… but no more anxiety attacks!! It kinds helped me to see how other people act, because some people just go through life selfishly, and sometimes it’s okay to be selfish.

    Give yourself grace, you are still growing as a person, learning who you are as well. Once you connect with and love yourself more you’ll find it easier to open up and be honest with others (and more importantly… yourself!)

  4. RedkillerM007 Avatar

    This is unrelated to the question but I have to ask.
    How do y’all get married at 20 😭.
    I am 20M and my most serious problem till now was finding an internship (I got it btw😁).

    Anyways I don’t have any exp to say on such things but 1 thing I can say for sure is “Communication is Key”
    Basically if I was in your situation I would talk to my partner and try to get things worked out.
    Coz that’s the only case where you should be worried about how the other person thinks.

    For everyone else just have a “Fuck it” attitude, just stay true to you CHARACTER don’t try to be someone else.
    If people don’t like you being Real let them leave, they were probably using you anyways.
    It’s better to have a smaller circle of friends than a bigger circle of snakes.

    Not telling to ignore people’s feelings, you should be considerate but not at the cost of losing your true self

  5. Fuzzy-CyberCat Avatar

    I would 100% recommend therapy. I had the same issue for my entire life. I tried so hard to make sure everyone was always happy and overextending myself for that purpose. If you don’t start changing this you will reach burnout. When I got there it was rough to get out of and let me tell you that all those people I was trying to help and make happy didn’t help me when I needed it the most. It’s important to learn that your job is not to make people happy. Each person is responsible for their happiness. As a people pleaser I struggle really hard on my own happiness. Is a hard job to shift the focus on you. Therapy really helped me 🙂

  6. blackwhite18 Avatar

    This is weakness and the only way for obtaining strength is going through hardships like how we grow muscles but in this task emotions are the weights and all the weaknesses are evil we must strive to overcome them