I’m in my early 30s, living with my parents after a long stretch of financial and personal setbacks. I share a room with my stepmom’s office, have no privacy, and avoid everyone in the house just to get through the day. The only space that feels remotely mine is my baby sibling’s room, which I use as my makeshift workspace during the day.
I currently work remotely as a contractor for a major tech company. On paper, it might sound impressive. But I earn $23 an hour while knowing there are full-time employees doing similar work earning four times as much. I’ve been there almost a year, and I’ve barely spoken to anyone. I get no meaningful projects, and I’m not looped in for anything new. Because I’m a contractor, there’s no expectation for me to make an impact, and that isolation eats away at me every day.
I used to struggle a lot with chronic pain caused by a traumatic brain injury. That injury severely affected how I process language and social cues. I became more withdrawn, more passive-aggressive, and didn’t realize how much damage I was doing to my personal and professional relationships until years later. I lashed out at people, acted weird at work, and now I live with a deep sense of regret. I feel like I burned all my bridges before I even understood how to build them.
Now I’m better physically, and my cognitive function has improved. I can understand things I never used to—but I’m also waking up to everything I lost, and how far I’ve drifted from the life I thought I’d have. I feel directionless. I spend my days on autopilot, playing video games or scrolling endlessly just to pass time until everyone’s asleep and I can be alone.
I want to change. I want to talk to people again. I want to work somewhere where I’m engaged and valued. But I’ve become so used to avoiding everything that I don’t even know how to take the first step. I’m afraid I’ve forgotten how to succeed, and that I’ve pushed everyone too far away to find my way back.
If you’ve ever been through something similar, or just have a kind word, I’d appreciate hearing from you.
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I think you’re taking the first step with this thoughtful post.
I can relate to a lot of your story — I’m a remote contractor also. The pay’s decent, but could be better, and I speak to no one for most of the week. I’m introverted and avoidant, and I’ve lived alone for several years. I’m about to move in with my mother (temporarily) to help ease her financial situation. She’s overbearing and needy, so I’m dreading it. I’ll be sleeping on the floor in a small room that she currently uses as an office. What gives me hope is that I’ve lived enough life at this point to recognize that everything changes, and the situation will also pass.
You’re in your early 30s, and trust me, you’ve got plenty of time to dig yourself out of the hole you’ve found yourself in. The hard truth is that life never turns out like you imagined, but it’s entirely within your power to navigate it toward something more enjoyable and fulfilling. I’m not gonna say it’s easy, but if you can just make one small choice every day that will build your esteem, over time you’ll form enough muscle to make the bigger, more impactful decisions that will really change your life for the better.
Like I said, this post is a great first step — it takes courage to write something like this, and you should be proud of yourself for being so vulnerable. HMU if you wanna chat sometime.
Cliche as it might seem, therapy would help here. You have a space to express yourself and an opportunity to be social. I would say that is a good starting point.