Hi everyone,
I’ve (24F) been dating my girlfriend (26F) for six months. She’s had one short relationship about seven years ago, while I’ve been in a long-term relationship before — I even lived with my ex, so I know what it’s like to build and maintain a connection over time.
My current girlfriend told me from the start that she’s not very affectionate or emotionally expressive, and that she doesn’t really know how to love — but that she’d like to learn and try. However, over time, I’m starting to wonder if she actually wants to be in a relationship at all.
We see each other once a week, and when we do, things are usually fine. Nice, even. But the rest of the time, it’s like she vanishes from my life. There’s very little communication between our dates, no sweet words, no check-ins, no warmth. We send a few messages a day, but they’re about random subjects that hold no emotional depth and don’t build our relationship. I have to constantly remind myself to detach emotionally, to live my life as if she didn’t exist, just to protect myself. Because if I allow myself to care too much, I end up feeling sad about the lack of reciprocity.
There’s no flirting, no compliments, no signs of affection, no verbal expression of how she feels about me. She told me we don’t have the same love language — but honestly, I don’t feel like she’s speaking any love language at all. I find myself hyper-analyzing every small gesture, celebrating tiny scraps of affection like they’re huge milestones… and then feeling kind of heartbroken that I’m this starved for love in a relationship.
It’s like we skipped the honeymoon phase and jumped straight into a long-term relationship where the spark, the emotional closeness, and the effort to seduce each other are already gone — except we never even built that foundation in the first place.
Rationally, I know she must care about me — she’s the kind of person who wouldn’t stay with someone she didn’t like. Also, she’s very supportive and listens to me when I bring up worries, whether about life or about us. She never gets mad or angry, which I appreciate a lot. But emotionally, I don’t feel loved. I feel alone in this.
I worry that if I push her out of her comfort zone, she’ll just decide it’s not worth the effort and leave. So I stay quiet, keep my needs to myself, and try to make do with the little I get — which feels more like surviving than loving.
I’d really like to know how I can talk to her about this. How do I share my feelings without making her feel pressured or guilty?
Has anyone experienced this?
Any advice would be really appreciated.
TL;DR:
Dating someone avoidant and emotionally closed off feels like being alone in a relationship. We see each other weekly, but outside that I get little affection or communication. She’s supportive and listens calmly when I bring up worries, but emotionally I don’t feel loved. I’m scared to express my needs and end up holding on to tiny scraps of love that don’t feel enough. I want advice on how to talk to her about this without making her feel pressured.
Comments
It sounds like she had some good self awareness and communicated very early on how she naturally shows up in a relationship. And you were not clear on what your needs were, and didn’t recognize that affection and emotional availability were important to you.
Dating is an opportunity to figure out whether you two are compatible. You’ve identified 2 pretty big incompatibilities.
I would think about whether you’d like to stay with this person if nothing changes.
I would also think about how realistic it would be for this person to change to become who you want them to be. Keeping in mind how difficult it would be for you to adapt and change to become more like them. It’s just 6 months, you’re still in tje honeymoon phase and it already seems incredibly difficult for you. What will this feel like in a year? Two years?