Bf (29M) and I (25F) have been together on and off for 3 years now.
Recently he moved out of his parents house and he’s more stressed than usual. Ive also noticed less effort in our relationship. For example, he hasn’t initiated or planned any dates for us. He used to make reservations for us, he hasn’t surprised me with flowers or anything and that was something he would regularly do and it made me feel loved.
He will invite me to sleepover and cooks for me so maybe this is his new way of showing his love.
I feel like im giving more than what im receiving because even though sleepovers are great, it just seems very low effort. Ive been the one driving to his now, he hasn’t driven to my house since the move. I get him random housewarming gifts because I want to help and support his move. But all of this now feels like im giving more than what im receiving.
We finally planned a date night a week in advanced and the day of date night, he tells me how he is irked he has to do date night because he needs to do groceries, laundry and clean the house. I found it extremely rude and totally killed my excitement. This lead to an argument.
Ive told him how it feels like he hasn’t been putting any effort and he admitted to it. He’s apologized and says he love me buy my patience is thin now.
How much time do i give it? Am I being a brat/too demanding? Do I pull away and see if he reacts?
TLDR: Boyfriend recently moved and is more stressed than usual and in my eyes isn’t putting as much effort as he used to which makes me feel like im giving more than what im receiving. What do I do?
Comments
You’re not demanding at all. You want a relationship with someone who acts like they want to be with you.
Does he have money issues?
Has he never lived out of his parents home before?
You’re young, go find someone who is excited to see you.
He’s going through a big transition and he’s asking for you to be understanding and supportive. Living on his own now, it’s natural only that his finances, time, and energy will be less available. He’s giving you less because he literally has less to give you.
I don’t know your living situation. It seems like you’ve never been in his position or else you’ve forgotten what it’s like. It’s not going to work out if you keep demanding things that feel overly taxing to him. Think about things that are more appropriate for the current circumstances – things you can do together and ways that he can show you he cares that don’t cost a lot (or any) money, and that fit better with the reduced time and energy he has to give.
It sounds to me like your dude is stressed out and doesn’t know how to handle it, so he’s shutting down.
>Do I pull away and see if he reacts?
Do not do this. Please. If he’s struggling, playing games to get a reaction is just wrong.
First thought, relationships have seasons. There will be seasons where you need him to be there for you more, and there will be seasons (like this one), where he needs you more. I’m certainly not saying your current feelings aren’t valid, but if you get into the comparison trap of looking only at the short term, it’s not good.
That said, seasons are only seasons if they don’t last forever. And you don’t have to just shut out your feelings or needs during this one. Let him know how you feel. Ask him what is stressing him out. Work together to come up with a plan to help him work out of it.
Find ways to help him be there for you. Want him to plan date nights but know he doesn’t have the bandwidth? Get him something like the LoveTrack app (free date night planner) so he can feel like he’s being their for you but it takes some of the burden away. Ask him if he can commit to one date a week for even just an hour. You can take turns planning it so he only has to plan something every other week.
Without knowing more about your relationship, it sounds like he cares about you but he’s struggling with life. You can run or you can be there for him. Totally up to you.
It sounds like he’s learning to navigate living on his own, which entails doing things for himself like cleaning and grocery shopping and maintaining his space. He may also not have as much money for dates if he’s now paying rent when he wasn’t before. Unless he’s just throwing whatever boxed nonsense into a microwave, I’m not sure how shopping and cooking food is “low effort”.
Maybe it’s just time to stop the on and off and find someone who puts in the effort you need.