I love my boyfriend and I don’t want to break up with him, but sometimes I feel like I’m more his mom than his girlfriend and it frustrates me. For context we’re both 18 but he’s a senior in high school and I’m a freshman in college. Here’s a few examples:
- He’s terrible at planning dates. The only successful ones we go on are ones I plan. Last time he tried bringing me to a restaurant, one which he literally couldn’t pick out himself he made me find one, we couldn’t eat there cause it was closed (their hours are online).
- I try to have deep conversations with him and his responses are always either so surface level or one or two words while I’m here typing paragraphs.
- He’s terrible with money. I had to pay his last gym membership fee because he forgot to pay for it.
- He gets upset when my past relationships/other boys I slept with get brought up when he has more bodies than me (not that it matters,,, I just point this out cause of the hypocrisy)
- His family acts like I’m his mom. His grandma texted me that I need to hold him accountable for his house chores. His aunt told me I should take him to practice driving (he doesn’t have his license but that’s literally illegal for me since I’m not 21).
- I’m not someone who gets the ick but for context I am a math person. I got a perfect score on the math section of the SAT. I once jokingly asked my boyfriend what 7*3 was and he didn’t know.
- He never takes action until I lose my cool or I tell him to. One time an ex friend of ours called me a whore and he did NOTHING.
- He doesn’t push himself to be a better person intellectually. An example of this is one time we went on a pottery date and he kept on talking about how he’s not creative and how mines gonna be so much better than his. I comforted him but I was kind of annoyed since this date wasn’t the only time something like that happened.
- Sometimes when we hang out he acts like we’re doing the worst thing ever. One time we were on a hike with my dog and he was acting so moody the entire time after I asked him if he wanted to join me. Another time I was cooking for my family and him and I asked him to mince some garlic for me and he was moping around and acting like it was the worst thing ever.
I love my boyfriend and it’s mostly good with him but whenever something like this comes up I can’t help but to think bad thoughts. How do I bring this problem up to him?
Comments
He is to immature to be in a relationship.
I don’t think you can bring it up to him because it’s not going to change. I get you love him, but sometimes loving someone does not mean you’re right for eachother. You are not right for eachother. Is this what you want to rest of your life to be, or would you rather end things now so you can heal and move on?
Your boyfriend is still a kid. It’s okay for him to still be a kid and it’s okay for you not to be attracted to that. Don’t keeping dating someone who you resent more than you enjoy being with. Love isn’t enough, nor should it be. Free you both up, you to go meet more people in your new stage of life, and him to enjoy being a kid for a while longer.
Your boyfriend is almost a LITERAL child. He’s 18, and sounds immature for his age to boot. He MIGHT change as he gets older, but he needs to do that on his own. And I would not wait around to find out.
Re-read your many points a few times. You are not compatible.
When I was your age, I had been in a relationship for more than 2 years with a guy who wasn’t going to uni, didn’t care about school, and didn’t have much intellectual depth. One of my greatest regrets is not dumping him sooner.
He’s a keeper!!
Why do you love someone like this? And separately, you need to recognise that love isn’t enough. “I love him but…” just means that you’re choosing to stay with someone solely because of how you feel, even though they’re not actually the partner you want. You didn’t “have” to pay his gym membership for him, you didn’t “have” to choose a restaurant, you chose to. When his relatives tell you that you “need” to do something you can ignore them, or say “haha what a funny idea, can you imagine? He can sort himself out.”
You’re dating a man child. That’s your choice. He’s choosing to be one. Do you want to be in a relationship with someone like this? “But I love him” isn’t an argument. Heroin users love heroin, but if they’re lucky they recognise it’s having a negative impact on their life and they give it up, even though they love it.
Choose him as he is and tolerate all this shit (why?!) or break free and date somebody competent who doesn’t expect you to wipe his ass for him.
You can love someone but also know that you aren’t compatible with them. Are you sure you love him or the idea of him? Can you articulate why you love him?
Sometimes a partner hasn’t done someone specifically wrong (e.g., lied, cheated), but the relationship isn’t a good fit.
Do you want to be dragging him along in life? Will you be content to have to parent your husband should you get married? Will you be happy to do all of the chores and bring in the income?
If you are showing discontent as a freshman in college, what do you think next year will look like when he’s in college? What do you think things will look like two years from now? Are you thinking that he’s going to change and suddenly make you a priority? Do you think that he will suddenly become more intellectual than what you want in a partner? Are you going to short-change the college experience you could be having to take care of him?
A majority of men don’t go into relationships thinking about self improvement. In my experience (as a man) I have learned that relationships strongly push for self improvement and change (eventually).
This is why some break ups occur later after the honeymoon phase has long ended and the woman desires for a partner that has better qualities that her current one isn’t possessing or has no interest in gaining.
There’s an old saying that describes this behavior perfectly:
“Women marry men hoping they will change, and men marry women hoping they will not. So each is inevitably disappointed.” – Albert Einstein
Stop. He isn’t going to change. The only way he has a chance to grow is for you to leave him and that’s only if he feels pain from it.
Are you dating a sitcom character?
Sounds like you’re dating a fourth child not a partner.
You guys are both still kids….. it won’t get better unfortunately
He’s not a man child, he’s a child.
He is 18, not 28. I would say, give him some time to grow up but you will never be happy with him. I can assure you that there are men smarter than even you, out there.
18 is very young.
You’re already outgrowing him.
He doesn’t seem that interested in impressing you or even spending time with you.
He’s not the one for you and it will become more and more obvious as time goes on.
If you don’t call it off, he will, when he can be arsed.
Looks like most of the comments already have this covered, but the best route for both of you would be to break it off. I know you said you don’t want to, but being in love isn’t enough. You also have to be respected and cared for and both parties need to be acting like adults, which is pretty much the bare minimum. You shouldn’t be in a relationship with a person you’ll have to babysit/care for as a mom. A relationship is a partnership, not one person taking care of the other cause they act like a child.
You do t love him, you just don’t have other opportunities. Get out there, play the field and smell some other roses.
Let his mother and gm care for him
Stop being his mom. Do not pay his bills, he needs to be able to do it himself. If he forgets to pay a bill that’s on him to figure out and learn from. It’s incredibly inappropriate for his family to make you responsible for him, but that’s a huge red flag that means that is what your relationship will always be.
This is a laundry list of reasons to not date someone. It’s time to accept you’ve outgrown this relationship and it’s time to move on. You can love someone but still not be compatible with them.
OMG, I think you have a bright future ahead of you (and maybe he does too), but right now, just kind of enjoy being 18, in college, and don’t let yourself be held back by anyone. Sincerely, “been there done that” Good luck to you both.
If you stay together, it will enable the same behavior. You’ll hold him back from growing because for now he’s happy with the mom relationship you guys have developed. It will become the comfy norm, and you’ll have to accept that.
You’re both 18, you’re both mentally still children.
Your boyfriend is only 18. Young men his age aren’t emotionally nor mentally mature. It’s obvious you’re more mature than him. You both aren’t equally yoked and will never be. Your boyfriend lacked drive and ambition, and even if you continue to be with him, it’s very unlikely he’ll bring himself up to your level and expectations. He’s going to drag you down, and you’ll always be his surrogate mother.
Young men at that age aren’t mature enough to be in a romantic relationship. It’s obvious that you are way ahead of him in terms of organization, ambition, and goals. He is still “trying to find himself.” You are both not equally yolked, and no matter how long you remained as his girlfriend, you will always be his surrogate mom. As his girlfriend, you can’t make him into someone he’s not and may never be. It may take him years to reach your level, and by then, you’d still outgrow him. He’s going to drag you down. You’re in love with him, but that shouldn’t be the reason to remain in a relationship that isn’t beneficial to you.
You can love someone but do you really want to be this man child’s mom? His parents apparently haven’t bothered to teach him how to take care of himself and are now expecting you to take over his parenting.
You should break it off with him now. Just concentrate on your college education. Meet fellow students interested in your own field of interest. Maybe even wait til you graduate and get a job in your field before considering dating. Or try dating some of your college classmates if you cannot wait.
If you still haven’t found someone else, you could maybe revisit your current BF to see if he’s learned some actual adult skills for himself or if he’s still depending on his parents or a new GF to parent him.
And it’s ridiculous for his parents to expect you to teach him to drive even if you were of legal age to do so. He or his parents can enroll him in a driving class.
Okay 1. Men typically make slower than women. Take it from someone who is 25F with a child and her dad is q 28M that collects wwe figurines and had to watch every single PPV that is on TV. And comes home from work and plays video games all night (he’s night shift but also had no problem stepping away to help me take care of things for the house, our animals and our daughter) ASIDE FROM THAT…
2. If you want someone close to your level, im sorry, but date someone older. I havent dated someone that was exactly my age since 15 years old.
3. This guy youre with is not ready to be in a serious relationship and you will start to resent him as time passes and he doesn’t change, end it and get it over with already. Love isn’t enough to stick with someone who isn’t supporting you. (Not financially but like, emotionally and physically)
Although my boyfriend has childish tendencies, he still gets shit done when it needs done, he will help me clean the house, he will help me cook dinner, he takes care of our daughter without me having to ask him to, you can have childish tendencies and be okay, sometimes the absolute best in a serious relationship, as long as you take on responsibilities as an adult and as a partner.
In retrospect, you ARE dating a man child.
I know how you feel. My ex husband was also a man-child.
To answer your question, there is a chance he may change as he gets older. A lot of men do, but it literally takes them until they are closer to 30 before they mature enough to be decent partners. You have to decide if you want to deal with this behavior for the next 12 years or if you want to get out now and find someone better suited for you. Both options are acceptable, and you are the only one who gets to decide that.
With regards to bringing it up, do it in person and not through text. Sit him down and have a conversation with him. Tell him what you are unhappy about. Make a list if you need to. Listen, calmly, to his concerns. Rephrase what he has told you to make sure you understand it. Use the “I statement”. Meaning, instead of saying “You hurt me when you do this” say “I feel like you don’t care when [x] happens”. By stating how you feel about something you make the statement less accusatory and make it so the other person is less likely to take what you have said as a personal attack.
Original response below:
There is this thing called the parent, partner, child triangle. Basically, you need to stop doing things for him. Let his relatives parent him. Treat him like an adult. Don’t do his laundry, don’t fold his clothes, don’t clean his room, don’t make him food, don’t buy him things. He needs to be able to fully function on his own without your help if he is ever to be anyone’s partner. PARENTING HIM IS NOT YOUR JOB.
Do not live together until he can do this. He needs to move from his parent’s house into his own apartment for at least a year before moving in with you. Give him a chance to figure out adulthood.
Man chiiiiiiiiiilllllllld