For context, my partner and I have been in a long distance relationship for around a year now. We’re very compatible in so many ways and want the same sort of future together. However, a persistent problem has been a lack of effort on their end. For example, I seem to always be the one making plans to see them, or when there’s an issue I’m the one to fix it. The conversation also generally falls more on their side and occasionally I feel like I’m just sorta along for the ride. These are things we’ve discussed and are actively working on.
Unfortunately, I see this issue of not trying come up more so now we are having conversations about intimacy. We are both virgins and hood different views on its importance to a relationship. My stance is that I believe making some steps and seeing how it goes is the right move; if from there it’s not something we want to carry on with then that’s ok. However, they firmly do not wish to attempt. I want to make it clear that I would never force my partner to do anything and I love them regardless. I respect them so much and don’t want to continue pushing on something that is clearly not super comfortable for them.
My question is when does this incompatibility become something that we have to move on from? Everything else is so good and so I don’t want that to be the case. I also want to know (and this is something I obviously need to discuss with them more than strangers on the internet) at what point does a lack of trying or seeing about first steps seem selfish/stubborn on their end, or too pushy on mine?
Comments
Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We’d like to take this time to remind users that:
We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors
We do not allow users to privately message other users based on their posts here. Users found to be engaging in this conduct will be banned. We highly encourage OP to turn off the ability to be privately messaged in their settings.
Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)
ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.
No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users “friend-zoned”, referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me’s, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.
All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don’t get a free pass.
Anyone found to be directly messaging users for any reason whatsoever will be banned.
What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, “body counts” or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.
If you have any questions, please message the mods
This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
It becomes a significant issue when the lack of effort and differing views on intimacy consistently cause you distress and hinder the relationship’s growth. If these discussions don’t lead to a mutual understanding or compromise, it might be time to reassess the relationship’s viability.
If there’s an incompatibility to this extend over long distance, imagine how complicated living together would become like?
When you say she “doesn’t want to attempt”, does that mean there’s no attempt at intimacy at all (cuddling and kissing, for example)? Are you on the same page about timelines (waiting until marriage, etc.)? Is their reasoning religion or fear or something else? If internal to them, are they working on it?