I’ve happily been with my bf for 11 years and was his first ever girlfriend in his early 20s. He’d asked one girl out as a teenager and was rejected and never had any luck on dating sites, etc.
We met through him seeing a mutual friend liking one of my pics on social media and asking who I was (they pretty much set us up) and we’ve been together since.
Over the past year or so, I’ve been getting more compliments than I usually do (irl and on selfies etc), I’m not sure why since I haven’t changed my look much or anything, maybe it’s just confidence with age or something?
Either way, earlier in the year, my bf sort of brought up that he felt a bit insecure and that he didn’t deserve me, and was nervous that with the new attention I’d find a new guy who’d whisk me away and my bf knows he “can’t do better than me since no other girl has ever shown any interest in him” and that he’d likely just remain single if we broke up.
I don’t really know how to handle it or how to NOT feel like I’m not his preferred girlfriend and he’s largely just with me because he doesn’t think he can find someone better. I often tell him that there’s a reason I’m still with him after all this time, I choose him every day, but he’s obviously still insecure due to lack of other female interest.
It’s sort of a compliment, I guess, but also really not, almost like he’s settling? I do know he loves me and tells me I’m beautiful and other compliments sometimes, but he’s also openly expressed his “type” is basically red headed goth muscle mommies, none of which I am lol.
That, coupled with obviously less overall intimacy and passion (due to being together over a decade probably) sort of makes me feel not that desirable to him and like it’s largely just because our relationship is comfortable, even if his words say the opposite. He’s also openly stated that he’ll never break up with me, bar a situation like if I cheated on him. So he could be unhappy with me in our relationship and he still wouldn’t leave.
How do I approach this? I’d like to a) not feel like I’m just the safe/only option, even if he does love
me, and b) help him with his insecurity.
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“I don’t really know how to handle it or how to NOT feel like I’m not his preferred girlfriend and he’s largely just with me because he doesn’t think he can find someone better”
Be forward about how the conversation makes you feel + it puts a lot of pressure on you. Then ask his perspective. Cause honestly, if my partner said that I’d be like “Thanks for sharing that with me. I can tell that you’re worried about finding someone else that values you, but honestly, I’m kind of taken aback that you said that. Here’s why…”
this is pretty much 100% why i think my bf is still with me paired with pity and convenience 🙃
If someone says they can’t do better than me, then that’s a goodbye from me show him he can’t do better and do better, he should of said ” I’m really lucky to have you, you are so beautiful sometimes I don’t even know how I managed it but I must have something special eh? 😉”
Completely changes the dynamic.