Hey, so this is my first time actually posting on here but it’s 4 in the morning and i can’t sleep, i didn’t think of anything else to go to. Im sorry that it’s long, there’s a TDLR at the bottom if you don’t feel like reading.
So me (19F) and my boyfriend (20M), let’s just call him Matt, have been together for almost two years now, i’ve known him since we were both in high school. Near the of beginning of our relationship, he was friends with this one girl, let’s call her Marie (20F). They only ever spoke online because we live in different states, but Matt knew her from middle school. She was the type of girl who would post thirst traps on her instagram, and i’m going to be honest and say that made me uncomfortable right off the bat. But i just let them do their thing, i didn’t want to be that controlling girlfriend who got uncomfortable and upset because he has friends that are girls.
Everything started when Matt’s best friend got a new car and they went speeding on the highway late at night (i’m talking 120mph just cruising). Matt knew that type of stuff made me uncomfortable because of how dangerous it can be if you are not careful and his friend is a terrible driver. (For context we share a life360 and you can see speed and location on the app, i wasn’t able to go to sleep until i saw that he was home and safe) I texted him voicing my concerns, very anxious and worried about him, and he just kind of blew me off. Talking about how it wasn’t that big of a deal and that the road was empty so they were fine. That honestly made me upset that he didn’t even acknowledge the possibility of something happening and that he didn’t even try to understand how i’m feeling. I felt like he didn’t really care about me. we didn’t talk for the rest of the weekend but we made up afterwards and i just let it go.
Once we made up, i was hanging out at his place and i saw he was texting someone quite furiously. i was sitting right next to him so i just peeked over to look (not an uncommon thing we do) and saw that he was messaging Marie. Their conversation was something like this:
Marie: Bro are you still with that crazy girl
Matt: Yea, but she’s been pissing me off lately. Plus we’re locked in fr (him and Marie are locked in, it was a separate message and he kept reiterating that they are twins and stuff)
Marie: why are you even still with her tho
Matt: I have abandonment issues, i don’t want to be alone
I don’t even remember why they were talking about being locked in and twinning (part of the conversation i remember but isn’t really relevant. She was also talking about how she’s trying to be loyal to her man and that it’s hard trying to change) but everything else shook me. I couldn’t believe he let some girl he knows talk about me that way, he didn’t tell her to not call me that, and then that he’s only still with me because of abandonment issues. This started an argument and it ended with me saying i’m uncomfortable with how she’s talking about me and now i’m uncomfortable with their relationship. He told me that he puts on an act when he talks to her because he doesn’t know how else to be around her, like matching her energy. (this is an issue with him, he has a hard time being himself around certain people, i believed him when he said that) but he told me he would stop talking to her and that he was sorry.
About a year later, i’m now living with him. One day he’s showing me a tiktok and a message from Marie popped up on the screen. i didn’t even read what she said, i just saw her name. I started spiraling and shaking because of my anxiety. we started talking about it because he noticed my change in demeanor. He told me that they just started talking again today, and that he thought i wouldn’t mind because of how long ago it was. I said that i’m not comfortable with him talking to people who talk about me they way that she did. He said that he didn’t realize how much it effected me and that he wouldn’t talk to her anymore.
Now here we are. i woke up around 3:30 with a strange urge to look through his phone (this isn’t something i normally do). I tried to go back asleep but i couldn’t shake that feeling and it was keeping me up. So i did just that, i unplugged his phone and went to the bathroom. the last thing open was tiktok (the same place he was messaging her on the last time) i swiped over to his messages and low and behold, she was at the top of his messages list. he just messaged her “YOOOO” and she hasn’t responded.
I don’t know what to do. i feel kind of numb to this feeling now. i feel like he doesn’t really respect me. Should i just let it go? Please, any advice would be appreciated.
TLDR: my boyfriend keeps messaging a girl who was talking bad about me after he told me he would stop. i don’t know what to do.
Comments
I would leave. You’re young and you have nothing tying you together.
It hasn’t changed.
It’s not going to change.
When people show you who they are, listen and don’t make excuses for them.
No one will give you more respect than you give yourself.
I think you should take some time to reflect on why you want to stay in a relationship where you don’t feel respected and you are riddle with anxiety. I get that those feelings might not be there 24/7, but really think about what this relationship is a and if that rade off is worth it.
Damn, gotta say, ur feelings r super valid here. BF should respect u enuff 2 stand up against mates badmouthing you. It ain’t ’bout control, it’s ’bout respect. Also if he’s with u to avoid loneliness, that’s a 🚩. Either talk it out, get counseling or reconsider the relationship. U deserve better.💪🏻💯
He told her he has abandonment issues. She is his back up plan. If you leave, which you 100% should, he’ll run straight to her. And she’ll be dumb enough to fall for it. You deserve better. You deserve a confident man, one who is sure about himself, his partner and their relationship. You are on edge all the time because of him and he is a liar. He is very insecure and cannot commit all of himself into your relationship, when he’s too busy texting another woman. I’m sorry he’s like this, but you need to find the strength and courage to leave. You’ve already wasted too much time in this loser.