So we are in new relationship. About two months. I don’t have practice being in a relationship, been single for over 10 years and I guess I am a texter. Before we got into relationship he would text more then call. We know each other for around 2 years. Since few weeks he can call me when he is working and it was nice at the beginning but he will call, and after we talk for few minutes it will get quiet, I won’t know what to talk about so I would just sit on my couch and listen to him work. After few seconds I would say something and we will talk and it goes back to being quiet. I got used to it so I won’t just sit on the couch but will put ear buds on and do some chores.
To add I am looking for job so I spend a lot of time at home and don’t mind the calls. But sometimes I would say like I will have over the phone appointment at this time and once he tried to call so I messaged I can’t talk. Few times he would listen and don’t call then. Sometimes I message I am about to play my game to destress or watch a movie and boom he calls. And it’s the same thing, we talk then nothing, stays quiet for a bit, and few times when I said I can’t talk now he would get upset.
Like today I said after my doc appointment I am going to a restaurant for lunch and messaged him that I am here and he calls. Like I want to enjoy my time. I told him I can’t talk and he got upset like how can I say that to him that I can’t talk because it’s loud. So we stayed on the phone being quiet for most of it and I ended it saying my food just got here and I will call him later.
I really don’t mind the calls but I don’t get why he wants to be on the phone for hour when less then half of it we are quiet. I always say thanks for the phone call.
How can I say without hurting him that sometimes calling me multiple times is weird. I know I’m not doing much but it starts to bother me when I message him that I’m about to do something and he calls. Like I can’t watch a movie and talk to him or play my game.
Everything else is nice. We see each other almost daily and mainly he calls me when he is at work. Sometimes after his work too. And sometimes we do talk for hour or so and it’s nice.
So just want advice what can I say without hurting his feelings something like look I want to do this let me call you later. I guess I care too much about other people feelings and don’t want him to later stop calling me because I said that he calls me too much.
Thanks for any advice
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It’s been 2 months and this sounds beyond childish. And needy. Really needy. Are you sure you even want to date him?
Defining how much time you think is acceptable to talk or be with your partner is extremely important.
You need to have a conversation about what you feel comfortable with and ask for clarity on what his views on the subject are, all while maintaining the validity of his own perspectives and desires.
If you can work towards a compromise about time spent, do that. If you find it’s a fundamental issue that you just have different, yet equally valid, perspectives on, then you need to find that out early on and call it there.
Be respectful, but be genuine and honest. You can’t let fear of hurting his feelings let you not have the needed, hard, conversation that should happen.
You two are mid 30s… You don’t need to be on the phone together and listening to each-other breathe.
Say what needs to be said. Then hang up the phone.
This is incredibly needy to expect to be that much attached to the hip, its an suffocating amount to deal with.
The guy needs to be on the phone with you while you are in a restaurant eating dinner.
Stop enabling it.
Start rejecting calls… Start going “No, I am busy right now. I can’t talk”
End of discussion.
And frankly… I don’t see this being promising long term.
Its boarder line insane to have a need to be on the phone with you when you’re out in public.
You’re already seeing each-other nearly daily, you don’t have to be on the phone all day as well.
Stop being so soft about his feelings.
All you need to tell him is:
>Sorry, I can’t answer right now. I am busy. Sorry, I have to go now. Talk to you later.
All you need to say to someone who has social awareness.
I am exhausted just by reading this. You don’t need to call me when I am out running errands. If we’re sitting in silence, I am hanging up the phone and getting back to my thing I was doing.
I can’t tell if this is insanely needy (which it is), or warning signs of controlling behaviour to have a need to consume all your time.
Be clear and direct that you aren’t interested in spending so much time on the phone. Like this: “I love hearing about your day. I am not available for phone calls during the day, I have errands and job interviews and general life things I need to take care of. Let’s make it a priority to catch up at the end of each day, and keep in touch via text between calls.” If he doesn’t want that, if he is insistent that you be available on a tele-leash at all times, then you know the relationship he wants to have is not the relationship you want to have. The more you tolerate things you don’t like, the less you will like yourself. What you are asking for is that he respect your time. That’s entirely reasonable to expect and ask for.
Doesn’t this dude have to work at his job?
What kind of workplace lets him have personal calls all the time a hour at a time?
Set up boundaries about when you can take his call, and for how long.
For the sake of his job. Say you are worried about him being fired.
If he really does nothing at his job – that also a big red flag.
Stop worrying about his feelings so much, since he doesn’t worry about yours. For example, you say you don’t want to talk in a restaurant because it makes you uncomfortable, and he is not even remotely attempting to be concerned about your feelings and focuses 100% on his feelings. Don’t answer the phone when he calls anymore.
There are people who like being on the phone just to hear the other person breathe. And there are people who don’t like that. Just be honest with him. You’ve put up with it for months now so he may have no idea you hate it.
Say “I have to confess sonething. I really don’t enjoy sitting on the phone not talking. If I’m going to use the phone, I want to have a purpose for the call.” And see what he says. If he blows up at you over this, he’s not the right person for you (or possibly for anyone).
So, I think it’s fine that your boyfriend likes phone calls a lot, and somewhat weird but eh different strokes for different folks when he wants you on the line and no one’s saying anything, but it’s not at all OK that he’s mean when you say you can’t talk right now. He should be taking no for an answer and it’s really bad that he isn’t.
You’re communicating fine. Your boyfriend is acting badly.