TL:DR: I feel really upset with my boyfriend (22M) doesnt want me (20F) to come with him to DnD. What should I do or say? Also if anyone needs clarification on anything please do ask. Thanks you guys!
Please read the full thing though please lol
Gosh feel so childish for posting here as an adult but want advice so here goes haha
Just to preface this isnt the most serious thing in the world just kinda want advice on what I should communicate and what I should keep to myself, what is fair etc.
For background, my boyfriend and I have been in a relationship for about a year now. From what know, a very healthy one. Ive been in many unhealthy/abusive relationships before this and after getting used to not being under constant “threat” and being on my toes all the time I have come to really enjoy the mundane. My boyfriend has some issues communicating and some of that may come from the fact he has mild autism like me. Things like forgetting to express happiness and joy in things. Him forgetting makes me feel like am the only one enjoying things but he knows and he is working on it. So one of his hobbies is DnD and he goes and drives to a friends house 40 min away to play witha her and a couple other people. I like to frequent with him and while they play listen and play a game on their switch or listen to music and play and usually really really enjoy it. We are both doing different things and we check up on each other a couple times throughout the evening.
Last time went, I had an experience that hasnt happened before where I got overwhelmed by all the constant laughter and noise when was there over the course of the 5 hours or so and started to break down. I utilized my normal coping mechanisms but none of it was working andI made the mistake of not stepping outside for a break because wanted to still be there and not leave the social event. I was on the verge of panic attack and tears when we left and started crying and shut down on the way home. My boyfriend was obviously stressed and wanted to help me but for me in those situations there is nothing you can do for most of it. I was fine the next day. also will mention that because of this event contacted my doctor and asked about getting psychology to work on coping mechanisms (something i was debating on but decided should do because of this) Currently have a series of group workshop sessions on this topic scheduled on my calendar and he is aware.
Now to my actual point. Today he had DnD scheduled and he asked kindly “is it okay if i go by myself this time?” and obviously was like “yeah of course!” A half an hour later or so asked “Why?” because I was curious. Also I might as well mention hadnt hada good day that day my depression was kicking up and wasnt in the best mood. He said that he wanted to go by himself because he didnt want to worry about me being upset and having a hard time while was there and he just wanted to enjoy himself. This caught me off guard a bit and explained myself saying that it was my responsibility and he didnt need to feel responsible for me and was working on it. I proceeded to mention the fact that have psychology scheduled for this exact reason. He was still adament that he go by himself so of course backed down and told him to have fun but I was really upset and hurt by what he said regardless. He saw was upset but hid it and said it was fine because didnt want to act selfish and of course just want him to have fun. I dont know whether to communicate how feel about it or not because obviously he should be able to go places himself and not feel like he always has to invite me. I dont want him to feel like im pressuring him or guilting him or anything.
What should I do or say? Also if anyone needs clarification on anything please do ask. Thanks you guys!
Comments
I think his wanting to go by himself is valid – you two don’t need to do everything together and you’re not even participating in the activity. I get wanting to be “alone together”, that’s something I enjoy very much with my partner but he’s also allowed to have time apart with his friends. It’s also valid that your feelings were hurt by his not wanting to worry about your mental state, and you’re right that it is your responsibility to manage, but it very much does affect the rest of the group if you have a meltdown. He’s right to be concerned for you but it will take him out of the experience and he deserves some time to do his own thing. You can communicate to him that your feelings were hurt but you should also understand his perspective.
What it appears you are not understanding is that when you have a breakdown, it has an emotional cost to him as well.
Him going to play D&D is something he does to relax and have fun, and the last time you went with him, all of that relaxation and fun got completely overshadowed by the fact that you had a crisis. And I’m not trying to be down on you for having a crisis; it happens, and it sounds as if you are doing the right things to address it so that it won’t happen again.
But that evening had a cost for him, and so this time, he wants to just go and be able to have fun and play the game with his friends and know that what happened last time isn’t going to happen this time as well.
When your arm is broken, you can put that arm in a cast, and the healing process can begin. But that doesn’t mean that it’s healed, or that you can just go right back to doing everything like normal. It takes time to heal, and until it heals, it won’t be back to normal or ready for normal activities.
An emotional hurt is the same way; just because you have taken the steps to address things (setting up appointments and so forth) doesn’t mean that the hurt that he suffered last time is just…gone. He needs time for his feelings to heal, and if going by himself this time is what he needs, then that’s what he needs, and it’s unfair of you to be upset with him for needing that time to himself, without you (and without the risk of the same thing happening again) so that he can get what he needs out of the evening.
Don’t do or say anything – you know you have an issue and you are taking steps to deal with it but until then it’s perfectly fine to minimize your exposure to situations that can induce panic attacks. Find some other people you can hang out with quietly in your support system.