I wrote, in past, about an incident with a male friend who came onto me in a very invasive way then gaslit me into thinking it was all just my perception when I confronted him. As angry as I was some part of me occasionally second-guessed myself and I wondered if I was just overthinking his behavior. This self-doubt was amplified when a mutual female friend (the one who introduced me to him) tried to rationalize his behavior—“Maybe he just thought you were closer friends than you thought?” or “Maybe you two just communicate very differently?” She also spoke of how other mutual female friends never experienced that kind of behavior with him and that my experience was singular. While she agreed with me that he had narcissistic tendencies it almost felt like she was hesitant to believe he would have any romantic interest in me.
But then, another mutual female friend recently reached out to me to talk one on one about this guy’s behavior because my experience (which I’ve been very vocal about) made her rethink past interactions she had had with him that she explained away. Turns out he came onto her in the same way, testing her boundaries repeatedly. He spoke to her in the same indirect way as he spoke with me, framing questions hypothetically or vaguely enough to plausibly deny any accusations that could result from his aggressive manner of questioning—all under his guise of being “emotionally invested and driven to get to know his female friends better.”
He kept bringing up cuddling with my friend to gage her comfort with it. She kept telling him she considers cuddling something reserved for intimate relarionships. He would get upset and argue with her telling her she was overthinking it. He said it wasn’t an issue for him because that’s what he did with all his female friends so cuddling could just be a friendly thing too. My friend told me that everytime they hung out he would bring up the topic but never in a way that would directly ask her to cuddle with him.
She also kept getting teased about her repeated hangouts with the guy from other mutual male friends in our group because this guy had apparently misrepresented their relationship as more than friendly to other people. He also kept telling her every male in our friend group wanted her which was she felt was highly exaggerated if at all true. Seemed like this guy was metaphorically peeing on her to mark his territory in a group of guys that were all supposedly interested in pursuing her. What did it matter she kept saying she was more interested in women than men? After weeks of his escalating behavior where he would bemoan being single at age 30+ (bringing up the pervasive and widespread male loneliness happening right now), agonize about desperately wanting to start a family, and idealize what a caring father and husband he would be, he eventually directly asked my friend out and was promptly rejected.
That was when I returned to the city and reconnected with this group of friends and he came onto me to try his luck elsewhere. When I confronted him about his behavior with me, he tried to diminish my credibility by claiming our mutual female friends would back him up as just being very friendly and that he couldn’t possibly have any romantic interest in any of us but neglected to mention he asked my friend out after behaving in the same way with her only two months earlier. I think he was hoping she and I wouldn’t talk and cross reference our stories.
My friend also told me she learned he was professionally diagnosed as a narcissist after he went to therapy following his breakup with his ex. No surprise there at his diagnosis but fun fact, he broke up with his ex during escalating creepy behavior/pursuit of my friend.
All this to say don’t stay quiet and doubt yourself ladies! Cause funnily when you’re vocal about your experience it turns out there are often other stories that match up.