I fell pregnant at 16, to my then 23 year old boyfriend. He then broke up with me because I refused to get rid of her. I didn’t want to get rid of her as I had, had a really tough upbringing and I stupidly thought it meant someone will love me and I would love them back.
I was kicked out by my mother just after having my daughter due to a mix of having a tough labour and needing to heal and what I now know was PND. I ended up moving in with my daughter’s father and his family’s home for a short time, we still wasn’t together and his family hated me as they thought I had trapped him and I was made to work in his catering van for 12 hours 6 days a week while also doing all of the childcare.
When I turned 17 I finally got a place of my own with my daughter in a mother and baby unit, when he found out he beat me, threatened to kill me, tried to run me over and kidnap my daughter. Fortunately it was all caught on CCTV that was outside the unit I was living in and the courts granted me a restraining order and a residential order that lasted untill my daughter was 16.
I have struggled with my mental health for years due to my upbringing, and I will admit I was very smothering with my daughter at times due to my past trauma, for example I refused to let her go to preschool as I was worried sick that she was going to get abused somehow, but I have always engaged with mental health service, social services and any other services when they have been offered.
Now my family are a the main perpetraters in my trauma and I have never had the best bond of them but I also understand that it’s not fair keeping grandparents from their child, so I never stopped contact but always made sure I was there due to what happened to me as a child (my mother enabled my sexual abuse as she was in a secret relationship with the person and he threatened to go public and destroy her marriage if she reported my abuse)
When lockdown happened i lost my job, and became mentally unwell and developed psychosis. I knew I was unwell but didn’t know to what extent, I tried to get help, but due to lockdown it was hard and after lockdown it felt like no one would listen to me,
When my daughter turned 14 she started acting strange, she got more secretive and kept wanting to go out and was vague on details. I put it down to her getting older and wanting more freedom, then 2 days after her 16th she left to meet a friend and never came home. For 3 days I knew nothing until the police found her at her father’s and because she is now 16 I couldn’t do anything, despite the fact that just a few days before having a restraining order.
I know that my daughter was going to my mum’s for at least a year before that and meeting her father there in secret and my mother told me knowing that I had no way to prove it, she said that she did it so I would know the pain of having a daughter who hates her as I had decided to cut contact with her 2 years before.
It’s been over a year since this happened. My daughter has changed her number, I don’t know where she lives and she has blocked me on everything and I miss her daily, i don’t know what to do.
I’m currently on the waiting list for EMDR and I’m trying to get better, but honestly, if I could go back and do it again I would of given her up for adoption or something then to have to go through the pain I have felt from her leaving. I have no friends,all I have is my partner of 6 years and his parents. I feel so alone
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It really hurts to read this… Your family, whose supposed to love and care for you the most were actually those who hurt you, and I can only imagine how much it hurt you.
I’m so sorry that your daughter left like that, within acknowledging how much you went through for her… But you chose to give birth and keep her, so this is where we get.
Don’t blame yourself, really. And this thing you keep thinking about “if I went back” is just useless now, and it only worsens how you might feel. Don’t forget that it’s also your first time living on this earth… Things happen, and I know how terrible some of them are, including this one.
You’re a mother, missing her baby and it’s totally okay I think…
I suppose you can still look for your daughter if you really want to see her that bad.
I guess your motherly side is itching and you need to satisfy that, right ?
I’m sure it’s painful and lonely, and I’m sorry for that.
Have you been seen by a GP doctor and talked about all this trauma that you have gone through? I would recommend that you do that. See you doctor and get checked, tell them about all of this trauma you’ve had and your mental health issues.
It sounds like you really need some psychotherapy and possibly they might consider the pharmaceutical side. You have very deep trauma and yes EMDR can help you, I recommend it if you find a good practitioner.
Please try to get some support for yourself anyway you can. It doesn’t sound like there has been anyone there to take care of you so until that happens you have to take care of you. And I know it can be very hard because I was in that position. But you need to untangle how you feel. The hurts, the neglect, the abandonment, the tears and the anger. Please do this and get some support for yourself. Because you deserve it.
Oh God, I frequent this subreddit a lot, primarily to offer support time to time, but this is one of the most harrowing stories I have ever read of such sustained abuse – physical, mental and financial.
I am still finding it hard to believe they abused a minor to the extent of making her work 12 hours 6 days a week while also doing all of the childcare. My mind hesitates because I can’t imagine this level of brutality.
Your daughter got lied to by your mother and your abusive groomer to leave you out of spite. You gave a big chunk of your life to keep her safe. Take peace in knowing the truth always comes out. She will one day realize the truth. The same people who wanted her aborted will never truly be her family. Your family was abusive from the start. Keep your distance and your peace.
At this point, know that you were a good mother. Focus on your own healing now. You have a spouse spend time with them and try to enjoy life, start trying at least, even with the little things. Pick up hobbies if you haven’t and don’t feel guilt. A mother will always worry about her child so I can’t say plainly to forget your child just like that. Still, try to keep your spirits high. Take care of yourself please.
Man idk how to feel abt this my father was bad man he left he used to kinda abuse my mum too but he was okay to me. My mum is raising me and I am so so grateful for her and really do love her but sometimes I do miss him ik he’s a scum but I just can’t like abandon him I would never ever try to bring him in my mum’s life ever but idk I feel somewhat responsible for him as his daughter I feel like I am betraying my mum I hope you don’t hate your daughter 💓
Sending you much love and support, I’m sorry
You say you miss her but you also say now that you wish you didn’t even have her. What you went through must have sucked, but think about how she must be feeling for her whole life too, you tried your best, maybe let her get back into contact with you when she is ready seems like she’s also going through a lot.
As a teenager, you’ve already done your best for your daughter. Not every 16y old would have the courage to take the first step to raise a child on their own without anyone’s help. What happened is a form of learning. Don’t be afraid to look back on the past and feel sad. that’s part of being human. It’s impossible to erase our past unless we die or lose our memory. After that, be proud of yourself. Don’t focus on the shortcomings you had while raising her, but instead look at all the strength you’ve managed to gather up until now.
Now is the time for you to make yourself happy. You’re still young. There are still so many things you can do. For example, continue studying in a skill-based field, hairstyling, sewing, nail artist, etc. and do activities you couldn’t do during your teenage years. You could also invite your partner to travel. It doesn’t have to be abroad, there are surely places within the country you’ve always wanted to visit.