My husband and I are newlyweds. Not long after we got married, he felt strongly called to plant a church—six hours away from everything I’ve ever known: my family, my job, my community.
I was hesitant. Honestly, I didn’t feel that same calling. But I went because I wanted to support him, and I was afraid that not going would fracture our marriage.
Now that we’re here, I feel like I’m just… gone. Like I gave up my life and don’t have a place in this new one. I’ve tried to stay positive. I’ve tried to add my own touch to things, to contribute ideas to help build this ministry together. But every suggestion I make is shut down. It’s like I’m not a partner—just someone along for the ride.
Over time, I started feeling depressed. Disconnected. Unmotivated. I stopped going to church. I stopped keeping up with things I used to love. I barely feel like myself anymore.
And now, my husband told me that he thinks my actions are sabotaging his ministry. That if I can’t get on board, I should just go my own way—but he won’t leave his calling.
I don’t even know what that means. Am I really sabotaging something? Is it selfish to feel forgotten when I gave up everything to come here? I didn’t feel called to this. I only felt called to him.
I don’t want to destroy anything—but I’m not okay. And I don’t know how to move forward.
Has anyone been through something like this? How do you rediscover yourself when you feel completely erased in your own marriage? Is it possible to build a purpose here when I never felt like this was mine to begin with?
Comments
How old are you?
Do you have your own hobbies?
How long did you know your husband before you got married?
Did you live together before you got married?
Forgive my ignorance but a genuine question, what does “plant a church” mean?
The way he’s treating you isn’t okay. He’s not treating you as an equal, which he should be. I’ve never been married, but I want to tell you this.
A few years back, pre Covid, a new pastor took over a small church my family helped start. He and his wife had three kids and from what I could tell they had been married for at least 15 years. He had been through many churches before us, and his explanation was that he felt called to different places and he had separated from a couple churches because of differences in how they thought the church should be run. In his time at my church it became very clear that his wife was second to the church to him. At one point he bragged about how as his wife was suffering from a miscarriage he was at the church trying to organize things for it. (This was before I knew him) He thought this made him special and that “his suffering” being pushed to the side for the church was a noble thing. I was never impressed, and neither were most of the people in the church. After a while we had to fire him because he was doing stuff to push people out of the church (this part isn’t applicable to you I’m sure) but after that his wife divorced him. She’s now a single mother of three children (she has full custody) and he’s been arrested three times for stalking her. My point with this isn’t trying to suggest your husband is an awful person, but I want to stress that you should never be second to the church to that extent. Every decent pastor I’ve ever met has put made his wife one of the most important them.
The fact that your husband is actively pushing you out disturbs me. You’re not sabotaging him. You’re responding to the neglect you’re suffering from the person who is supposed to love you the most. Just be careful, and don’t let yourself be hurt.
As another user pointed out in one of OP’s many reposts of this, is that this was written by ChatGPT.
Wow, he didn’t even try to hide how self-absorbed he is.
In light of all your suggestions being shut down, he’s turning it around on you AND immediately telling you to go your own way (if he doesn’t get his way)? It almost seems like his plan was just to control you.
Honey, you did give up your life, and his actions will also affect your faith if you don’t leave. It’s time to start planning your exit and letting your family/friends know what’s going on – as quietly as possible.
Ok. You were happy, motivated, and had purpose. Now you are unhappy, unmotivated, depressed. When you brought up this problem, your husband dismissed you, claimed you were sabotaging ‘his’ ministy, and refused to accept his role as partner to help you.
Go to marriage counseling. Your husband should get a chance to remove his head from his backside and understand that he can’t honor ‘God’ if he dishonors vows he made under God to his wife. Your husband has an awareness and order of importance issue. If he still decides that you should be alone and not a priority in your own marriage, then find a new marriage–he does not want to be married to you, he wants the status as ‘married’ for clout with the congregation. Its gross and he’s not fufliing the vows he made.
He doesn’t value you.
That’s it. End of. Do with that fact what you will. Personally I’d make my own life, and find people who value me and the things I want from life.
It sounds like you’re in a tough spot, and it’s okay to feel conflicted. You supported your husband, but it’s also important that your needs and feelings are heard. Consider having an open conversation with him about how you’re feeling, maybe even seeking outside help like couples therapy. You deserve to find your own purpose in this, too.
Uh yeah. His new church is MUCH more important to him than you are. Accept, or move on.
It sounds to me like your husband intentionally found a place where he has no accountability and complete control. He wants you to smile and nod, and do whatever labor necessary to make him look good. I’m assuming he’s using God and the Bible to put you in your place, telling you you’re nothing more than his support while he pursues his grand destiny.
Please don’t fall for this. What he’s doing to you is abusive and that’s not Godly nor biblical.
I think you need to take a trip a back home, just say you want to visit your family, and see if that clears your mind to make the decision that’s best for your life. You only have one life, sis. Don’t waste it.
Leave now. Walk out the door.
He should read the Bible more. He’s obviously ignoring misunderstanding the wife/husband dynamic that is established across many examples throughout scripture.
Assuming you’re a Christian, why are you asking the most secular, left leaning forum on the internet for advice on this?
I would suggest you go home.
Well yes church teaches he comes first and you need to be there no matter what. Divorce will look very bad for him with trying to get new people to join. You should watch righteous gemstones
I’m a clergy spouse too, so I have some experience with the life of being the pastor’s plus-one.
One thing my wife and I have always been very intentional about is that our relationship and our family is the top priority for both of us, and that decisions that affect our whole family should be made by both of us. Every time she has considered a new call, I’ve been very involved in that decision, as any spouse would be when their spouse is considering a new job that would require moving.
We’ve ended up in one place I didn’t end up liking much, because it was not only a 1+ day drive from both of our families but also because it was very rural, the climate disagreed with me, and the local people were somewhat isolating for me… and after a few years, she pursued a new call, in part because of my dissatisfaction with where we were. (That wasn’t the only factor in her/our decision, or even the biggest factor, but it was definitely one of the factors.)
Your husband sees your deep unhappiness. Not only does he refuse to make your happiness a priority in his life, he’s actively blaming his ministry troubles on your unhappiness. He’s failing in his first calling as a husband and he needs to get his priorities straight.
Since your husband did strike out on his own based solely on his own calling to plant a church, I’m assuming you’re not part of a strong denominational structure (e.g., Methodist, Lutheran, Episcopal, etc.) where your husband is under the authority of a diocese, synod, district, etc.? Because this is the sort of thing where any responsible denomination would tell your husband that he needs to step back from this particular ministry position for the sake of his marriage and family.
If your husband won’t get his priorities straight, then you need to do what you need to do for your own happiness and sanity. He’s free to sacrifice his own happiness for this calling, but that doesn’t mean he has the right to sacrifice yours. Be strong, be brave.
Your husband is a cult leader wannabe. I would go and get this marriage annulled he did not fulfill the duties of a marriage. Time for you to start choosing yourself and not let Skydaddy dictate your life
Not sure how this wasn’t up for discussion prior to marriage but here you are. Counseling or divorce yes it’s that simple.
Whether this is whole-cloth ChatGPT or whether AI was used to prettify it, I think it’s worth responding to, because I have seen this in my own life.
My father was a minister. He had been preaching at a couple of small churches part-time and working in construction during the week, and had a similar urge/felt God’s calling to go and minister in a different state, and dragged his family along with him. He lost the construction job, and the churches were smaller, more insular, and less welcoming. We went from comfortably middle-class to painfully poor. I lost all my friends and easy access to my family, and decades later still feel a profound sense of disconnection from my life.
I didn’t realize until I was well into adulthood how incredibly selfish an act this was. It was wholly about his sense of self-sacrifice; he did not once consider how his wife and children might have felt. My mother divorced herself from any sense of purpose or meaning in her own life and gave herself over to the “preacher’s wife” persona, to the point that later in life I asked her what her dreams were and she couldn’t tell me. Now, after his death, she is financially fragile and suffers from anxiety and depression.
Ultimately, I think he’s right. I think you *should* go your own way. Find yourself and your own sense of purpose, because total subjugation–whether it’s to God or to another man–doesn’t ever seem to end well.
Best of luck to you.
Your husband needs to talk to a way more experienced minister. This didn’t start good
While he feels this duty to his calling he needs reminding of his calling and duty to his wife and “sending her on her way” is not the act of a man following God’s plan. I think he needs reminding of his duties to his spouse which come before his calling.
He needs a wake up call
Interesting that he waited until AFTER you were married to drop this on you. Its all about his ego and grandiose self-serving dreams. My mother followed my father just like this. Lesson #1 in “How To Destroy A Marriage.”
This sounds less like a calling and more like a failed mid-life crisis on his part. And he won’t admit he’s wrong, and just keeps digging the hole deeper.
He has suddenly changed, and is isolating you from your family and community. He has become controlling. He devalues you, blames and guilt trips you for feeling hurt by his actions, and turns it around to make you believe that you are attacking him. And he wraps it up in a neat little “this is what God wants” bow.
You are in an abusive relationship. You can get help and resources at the national domestic abuse hotline.
https://www.thehotline.org
Reeks of chatgpt🥱