I’m 17 (M) and my parents are legally separated but not divorced yet. It’s basically the same thing but without a few extra steps legally and they are still considered married in the church. We are religious, so it has been a rough time proceeding with things without community backlash. My dad’s very successful and never the guy you would think to be doing things wrong at home. They’ve yelled at each other, fought (not physically), and had a lot of conflict and disagreement on how to handle covid. My family has a genetic disease that can make us more susceptible to other illnesses and we take oral steroids that could make it worse too. My brother was almost not allowed to return to the house after going out with friends and walking into somebody else’s house.
Regardless, a few days ago, I was worried about the state with my dad. My mom has been paranoid that he somehow got control of the lights of her new house after getting an app that can turn them on and off remotely. She also thinks he’s stalking her, has some of her passwords, and can see anything me and my siblings post too. I’ve always kind of dismissed her until I found the paper.
The paper is a small diagram, a family tree, with a small box around it. It has her parents, then my mom’s sisters, then me and my siblings underneath my mom in the box. To the side, it says “99% of all conversation” with an arrow to the box. There’s then a list of friends, listing out their full names and then a note to the side for one of them “- won’t help”. Underneath that is another note that my mom works remote.
I don’t know what to do. Whenever I call my dad out or have an issue with him previously, saying he’s “gaslighting” or that something is “manipulative”, he says I’m ysing my mom’s words. He thinks my mom is trying to alienate us from him but then I find stuff like this and her paranoia makes sense. Should I tell her I found it? Should I confront my dad? I got a picture of the paper and didn’t take it, so he doesn’t know I saw it, and I made a new acc so he can’t stalk my socials. I’m on someone else’s wifi writing this too
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Definitely tell your mom. This is really dangerous and scary. Your mom needs to know so she can protect herself.
Take a photo of the paper if you are on your mother’s side and want to stay with her. If the divorce isn’t over and it get really ugly you may have to testify in court on her behalf.
Yes tell your mom. No, don’t confront your dad. Your dad has already shown you what will happen there.
Talk to your mother about getting a restraining order.
He somehow is able to find out her passwords, and get access to her home apps. That is stalking. Talk to your mother about obtaining a restraining order or order of protection. Help her figure out how he is accessing her info and shut it down.
I am sorry you and your mom are going through this. But the kindest thing you can do is to let her know she isn’t crazy, and be on her side.
I’m sorry your father is such a creep.
Well, this whole thing is incredibly bizarre, isn’t it, I mean, who draws up diagrams about family conversations, and the fact that one of the friends is marked “won’t help” just adds another layer of oddness, which I suppose makes you feel all the more justified in being concerned, and I get it, because, honestly, I’m always tripping over my own feet so I understand feeling flustered, but your mother’s safety has to be the priority, even if it means facing some tough conversations, and it’s just… it’s just a lot to process, really, and I’m sure you’re doing your best, though, like I said, I’m always messing things up, so I sympathize.
You should tell her, she should probably call the cops on him. This is a way bigger issue.
Stay neutral. It’s not your marriage. Not your business. See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Disassociate completely. Ignorance is your weapon.
Please tell your mom and show her the picture -then your mom can decide what to do. I’m sorry you & your mom are going through this.
My rumination how do I know it’s not ur mums diagram working out who and who won’t turn on ur dad
Please tell your mom. This sounds potentially dangerous and she needs to protect herself. She should get a restraining order. I’m sorry you’re going through this.
At the very least help your mother change her passwords. I would tell her so she can protect herself your dad doesn’t sound safe or sane actually. Stay safe OP sorry you’re dealing with this. I would also limit any info you can give your dad that can put you in danger too.
This sounds like a bunch of nothing honestly It sounds like your family has significant mental health issues and you probably shouldn’t read too much into either of your parents behavior. None of this is your problem. Just move out when feasible and put your family’s toxicity behind you.
I’m confused. Why do people think the mom is in danger? She sounds like she’s difficult to live with. The guy might simply be strategizing his divorce. It sucks, but nothing overly sinister as far as I can tell.
Love how everyone here assumes the dad is the abuser when there is an equal chance the mom could be too.
my dad did this to my mom and it ended at death threats. he would offer money to my friends, ex to get info on my mom. please please tell your mom ASAP, youre putting her in danger by not letting her know. I know he’s your dad but people do crazy things during a divorce
Get everything checked, your lights, her passwords, everything. Don’t even let him think you suspect him of anything until you have the safety measures in place and definitely tell your mom. I also agree you should get a restraining order.
Good on you for taking steps to document this paper and for figuring out ways to safely reach out for support online. That takes guts, brains and strength so be proud of yourself. Im sorry you are going through this, it must be so stressful and scary. Others have given you good advice. I hope you are doing ok. This isnt easy!
Sounds like a case of r/raisedbynarcissists
Go to the one whose name had the “won’t help” and ask them if they know what’s it about
Definitely tell your mum and anyone else living in that house, first thing and most importantly imo is to change all your passwords, social media, remote apps, WiFi everything, lock him out before he finds out you know, so he can’t cover it up!
I’ve been so paranoid about this too with my ex (who definitely cyber stalks me). What can be done about removing his access to social media other than just changing passwords?