I (23F) and my boyfriend (24M) have been together for nearly 3 and a half years now. He has always hung out with me and my very close group of friends from high school- we’ll call them Reggie (23M), Anthony (23M), and Angie (23F)- since we began dating and seemed to fit in very well. We all started a DND campaign, we’ve traveled out of state together, and my boyfriend has even hung out with Reggie and Anthony without me present. Reggie, Anthony, my boyfriend and I play games together online multiple times a week, and he will play with them without me as well.
This has been the comfortable and enjoyable norm up until 2 weeks ago.
I was up late talking to Reggie in a voice chat (not uncommon) and he asked me if he could share some concerns about my boyfriend with me. I told him that I always want to hear concerns that he or others might have, as I worry a lot about being too caught up in romance and turning a blind eye to serious issues in my relationships (due to trauma yippee). He shared with me that he doesn’t always love the way my boyfriend talks to me and that sometimes he can be condescending, and gave me an example. I thanked him and told him that I’d talk to my boyfriend about it. My boyfriend and I communicate extremely well, and he always responds openly and with deep care to any issues I bring up.
Reggie however told me that he didn’t want me to tell my boyfriend, and then proceeded to share more concerns with me. The other concern (or the only other one I remember, as it was 3am at this point) was that Reggie felt that my boyfriend was a bad friend to him because early on in their friendship, my boyfriend only wanted to play competitive games that Reggie was good at. Therefore, Reggie thought that my boyfriend was using him for his skill. I still cannot believe that Reggie thinks that this is a valid concern. I expressed to Reggie that I don’t think he meant it as using him and probably just didn’t enjoy the other games Reggie and Anthony play. Obviously, my boyfriend wanted to bond with Reggie, so he’d want to play games Reggie liked and was good at. I told him that I would discuss that with my boyfriend so that he does not give off any unwanted signals like that to them or anyone else in the future, but Reggie again did not want me to tell him.
He also told me that he’d shared his concerns with Anthony and Angie and they felt the same. That made me feel a little upset- I couldn’t tell what kind yet since I was exhausted, but to know that they felt the same after receiving no signals from anyone of them that anything was wrong felt like I had been lied to.
I was anxious to end the conversation because I was so so tired, so I told Reggie that I wouldn’t tell my boyfriend and I went to bed, but that night and the next morning I felt extremely torn up. My boyfriend and I talk out EVERYTHING, and I was imploding keeping this in when I morally felt he should know. So I told him. My boyfriend took it to heart, hard. He felt very very bad for coming across condescending to me in front of my friends. He said that that’s supposed to be his best foot forward, in front of my friends, and he felt like he’d failed and would do his best to do better. He also felt bad that he’d come across to Reggie as unappreciative for his friendship and wanted to subtly make sure he knew that he was cared about.
I didn’t think it was that big of a deal to tell him, but Reggie found out via my boyfriend putting in effort to be nicer online and told me I’d massively breached his trust. I would normally feel guilty and sad that a friend was upset with my actions, but I just felt angry. I was extremely busy at work and this drama felt juvenile and unnecessary. Upon texting Reggie back in the nicest way I could, I found out that he wasn’t upset that I told my boyfriend, but rather that I went against the fact that I said I wouldn’t tell him. I felt my whole body roll its eyes.
Reggie didn’t text me for several days, and I was fine with that, though it did add to my already high stress level. After 3 days I texted him asking if we were going to work this out or not, and we opened a dialogue. I explained how I felt and it didn’t really go anywhere. Reggie has always taken his own feelings for fact, but this was another level. After trying to defend my boyfriend, Reggie was upset with me for trying to change his mind.
As I stewed on it some more, I realized that my own trust was severely broken. I felt misled that the group seemed so close only to find out that they had been talking about their [trivial] issues with my boyfriend. Reggie’s answer for this behavior was that they weren’t talking trash, he was just seeking validation in how he was feeling. But somehow now everyone feels the same.
This seems even more suspicious to me because in the past, I’ve had concerns with how close Angie has been physically to my boyfriend. Angie is a very touchy person with everyone and is a lesbian, but I’ve sought reassurance from my boyfriend before that he wasn’t into them (no surprise, it was a simple loving conversation). To find out that everyone, including Angie- who I texted to find out they feel “neutral” about my boyfriend- just solidified the feeling of being blindsided.
I’ve asked Reggie to talk it out with my boyfriend, who holds the whole friend group in high regard and feels like they were close friends to him, and he says that my boyfriend’s behavior speaks for itself and he’s “waited long enough for him to change” even though he hasn’t had one conversation with my boyfriend about the behaviors that bother him. My boyfriend reached out to Reggie privately over text and still, Reggie says that he just feels like my boyfriend is “the best friend’s boyfriend” and says he feels like my boyfriend is being disingenuous when he said that he thought him and Reggie were close.
I feel so broken up, misled, and honestly like my perception of reality is shattered. These were my closest friends and I feel like this has revealed some character traits that I have a hard time accepting. To cut someone out of a social circle- someone who is so important to your best friend- without even discussing the issues you have with them… I mean Reggie and I’s conversation started because I told him I value when people are open with issues, so obviously I’m deeply upset that he wasn’t open with us when it mattered!
I don’t know how to move past this. I’m very defensive over people I love, but I also don’t think anyone deserves to be treated the way they treated by boyfriend. I don’t have trust in them to be honest with me anymore. Hell, I don’t have trust in them to not do the same thing to me. This even has me worried that all my friends (separate from them) are having silent issues with me and will just stop talking to me. Am I just a secret asshole???
I’m hoping that somehow, this gets better. I don’t want to lose them as friends, but I also want to keep my spine. I keep having to remind myself this isn’t my fault. And I’ve definitely learned that I don’t want to know anything else- save for REAL concerns- that people think about my relationship. If I’m happy, that’s what matters. But right now, this has me in a depression hole.
I don’t know what I’m looking for from this post. Just maybe, what the hell is going on? Am I crazy? How do I move forward?
TLDR: my friends are upset with my boyfriend over extremely small things and are going from acting like very close friends to treating him like “the best friend’s boyfriend” and it has me feeling incredibly lied to.
Comments
I think they always just saw him as their friend’s boyfriend and included him for you. They never really chose to be friends with him, and so resentment has built. Now that something concrete has finally come up, Reggie (and the others?) don’t want to let go of that thing so they can finally stop being superficial friends with your boyfriend.
The only thing that doesn’t really fit here is that they hung out privately. Was your boyfriend the one to initiate those hang outs?
As far as solutions… if you want to stay friends with your OG friend group, consider them your friends. Your boyfriend should have his own group of friends, ideally. If you want to be in the same friend group as your boyfriend, you should make new friends together, not add him to an existing friend group non-organically. I recommend going to workshops and conventions together or joining a new DnD campaign with strangers and making couple friends.
Based on the info provided, it sounds like your friend(s), are a little resentful and/or jealous of your bf taking up your time.
When someone in a friend group gets in a relationship, if that group is close, it can be an adjustment, and unfortunately sometimes people aren’t open to that kind of change.
You all are pretty young, is this the first time one of you has entered into a serious relationship?
It sounds like your bf is very respectful and tried to make an effort, if your friends can’t appreciate that effort, make sure he knows that you do.
I think there are a couple possibilities, though my best bets are: (1) the friend group is resisting change and so they’re being difficult; (2) Reggie is jealous of your boyfriend and has been working on convincing your friends your boyfriend is a bad guy.
Assuming there are not boyfriend red flags you’re ignoring, I think you’ve set a really reasonable boundary, and it’s concerning that it’s being disrespected.
Your friends are assholes, Reggie is either lying to get you mad at your bf or is sensitive as all hell and takes offense at nothing, and he’s causing drama for no damn reason. Is he into you? What’s his reason for, in so many words, implying you have to pick him or your bf? Because he’s made it clear he’s not going to let it go, compromise, or see where he might have been wrong. It’s unlikely you’ll convince him of anything, and he’s roped your two other friends in. They’re likely just picking Reggie’s side because he’s the more aggressive of the two of you and they’re pushovers who’d rather take the wrong side than risk confrontation.
Idk, I’m not being super clear here because I’m very tired, but there weren’t any other comments and I didn’t want you to go any longer thinking your friends were somehow not in the wrong here. Your boyfriend sounds wonderful and very kind and communicative, your friends sound like two pushovers and one weird asshole… so. You might end up losing them, if you correctly choose to stand by your bf in all this. But there are millions of other friends to make, and at least a couple thousand are into DnD and late night voice chats and video games and also they DONT suck.
Talk to your bf I wonder if they are telling him crap about you don’t keep this a secret I’m thinking one of your friends like you and got the rest to help break you guys up
Reggie is jealous. Whether that’s jealous of your boyfriend specifically (because he’s with you or has other traits Reggie wants), jealous of just not being in a relationship period, or jealous that you don’t have as much time to spend with just the friend group, who knows. But either way, that is a jealous person looking for any excuse they can to dislike someone instead of admitting they are jealous.