I (32M) don’t even know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just need to say it somewhere. It’s been eating at me for months and I haven’t told a single soul.
My wife (30F) and I have been together for almost 10 years, married for 6. We have one son, he’s 4. Or, at least, I thought he was mine.
It started with a message I got one random Tuesday morning. It was from a guy I didn’t recognize. No warning, no lead-up. Just a message that read:
“You deserve to know the truth. She’s been lying to both of us.”
He sent screenshots. Texts. Pictures. Dates. And one message from her, sent about five years ago, that said:
“I’m late. It’s probably his though, don’t freak out.”
My heart dropped. I confronted her that night. She broke down crying, admitted to a short “thing” she had while we were going through a rough patch. Said it was a mistake. That it only happened a few times and it meant nothing.
She swore our son was mine. But I couldn’t let it go. I ordered a DNA test behind her back.
He’s not mine.
Biologically, anyway. But emotionally? He was. Until I found out. Now I look at him and I still love him, but something’s cracked. I feel like my whole life is based on a lie.
She begged me not to leave. Said we could fix this. She said he doesn’t know, and he loves you, you’re his dad, and I get it, I do. But every time I look at her, I see betrayal. And every time I look at him, I feel like I’m lying to both of us.
I haven’t told anyone. Not my parents, not my friends. I still wake up, go to work, read bedtime stories like nothing happened. But inside I feel like a ghost.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move forward. I feel trapped in a house full of love that isn’t mine anymore.
Thanks for reading if you made it this far.
Comments
Shit.
Thank you for releasing your feelings and emotions, I hope you feel better
I can’t begin to imagine what you’re going through. I am SO SORRY.
Im so sorry. I cant even imagine. I wish you the best moving forward!
This is why paternity testing should be a default process done at hospitals. I am sorry man, this sucks beyond all belief.
This sucks big time. You def have to leave her. She doesn’t deserve any of your time.
The boy is a crappy situation. You will no longer have a right to him through a courts point of view. She can potentially string you along by using him as leverage.
I’m sorry for both you and the kid. GL
Get all your ducks in a row, don’t say another word to her until further notice, and serve her with papers once you’re ready
She sucks. The whole thing sucks and I’m sorry this happened.
Will the other guy be told? Will his knowing change things? Like will he want to be involved?
You need therapy to deal with this but that little boy did nothing wrong. You are his daddy and the only one he knows. Don’t destroy his life because your wife is a cheater.
“Lying to both of us” but the original message was from 5 years ago?
What did she “lie” to the other guy about that it took him 5 years to realize?
Honestly man, I wouldn’t trust her after that. That text sounded so cavalier. As far as being the child’s father, that’s totally up to you. As fucked up as it sounds, if you feel like you’re not in an emotionally strong place to handle this and that you’re just going through the motions, then yeah it probably wouldn’t be best for the child either.
Luckily enough, the kid is probably young enough where you could walk away now, and he wouldn’t remember anything later. Ultimately, it’s up to you if you wanna try and stay, but things won’t ever be the same. Don’t let anyone bully you into making your decision.
Why did he choose a random Tuesday to turn your world upside down? Are you planning to tell the other man? I don’t mean to push an agenda or reopen old wounds—I’m just curious. Doesn’t he also deserve to know that he might have a son, if that’s even the case?
You need to get a good therapist.
Your son deserves to know, but seek professional help as to best way to break the news to him.
You need to divorce your wife.
You’re young. Your soulmate could still be out there. And it isn’t your current wife.
I hear you, and in your position I’d like to think I would 100% leave. But I know the reality and feelings involved are obviously far more complicated and difficult than can be put into words.
Logically you have next to no reason to stay or be committed to your cheating wife in any capacity. Unfortunately if you’re in the U.S., atleast in my state the courts will generally presume paternity of a given child is with the married father even if it’s later discovered that it’s not biologically your child. You may have custody and/or child support responsibilities if you go down the divorce route.
And frankly you SHOULD. She nuked your relationship in the most horrific and catastrophic way possible. You deserve a person who would never, ever conceive of doing that to you even in the worst of times. Cause now, what are you going to think if y’all have another rough patch?
I’m sorry mate.
You gotta leave for the kids sake. He’s not 5 yet and won’t remember you. Start your life over …
This brings to mind that old Chris Rock bit.
“…. but I understand.”
I’m sorry, only advice I’ve got is talk with your folks if your trust them or a friend.
Otherwise I wish you the best of luck and hope for a happy outcome for you and the boy.
Please go to therapy. You’re being faced with a series of major life decisions that should take a lot of time and thought to make as well as their own consideration.
First: I suggest you get some time away from this situation. Staying with a friend or family member and turning off your phone as much as possible. Your first step is to entirely remove yourself from that environment to regulate your nervous system.
Second: Get into therapy. This situation is going to require a lot of careful processing because there is a child involved. Despite the fact it is not your child, the child has not wronged you. Developmentally, the son cannot differentiate that you are not his father and you will be abandoning your child if you abandon him. It isnt your DNA, its the fact that you’ve been there his whole life and then one day you’re just gone. I ask you to seek professional assistance in considering if this is what is best for you and the child that you have been raising.
Third: Consider Divorce and split custody. Legally speaking, since you have been providing for the child you have been raising, you may have visitation rights and or child support obligations. This is dependent upon your state and you will need a lawyer to work through this. Regardless, it will help your case if you seek professional help during the divorce and your therapist may be able to help you in court.
Fourth: keep the communication lines open, but do not respond. Most messaging services will allow you to silence notifications. This will allow it so that you no longer get notified when your ex messages you, but all of her messages are accessible in the event your lawyer needs them.
Im sorry you’re going through this OP. Remember to still drink water and take care of yourself ❤
We don’t even know if the child is biologically related to the person who messaged you. There could be others. Take a really good look at yourself and ask yourself what your next move is. Follow your heart. I’m so sorry. This must be beyond devastating. There is a path forward.
Sorry to hear , it isn’t his fault tho .
Please leave, eventually that hurt will turn into malice. Not because you are evil, but because you are human. Staying after you have been betrayed is often the fall of most men in your situation. Don’t be that guy.
Before making any big decisions please get an attorney advice first and know your position
Get yourself a therapist to sort out your feelings, and my good man you are a victim of your wife’s infidelity. It’s good to pour your feelings here but you need help from a professional. I hope you can get through this.
You know that the boy will eventually be weaponised against you. The AP probably knows he’s the father, hence the message – why wait 4 years later. If he wants to he can make waves, get courts involved, paternity test proof the whole 9 yards.
The boy is young enough to not really remember you if you do decide to leave, I know you love him but if things go south you’ll just end up hurt.
If you want you could legally adopt the lad, that would stop any attempt to weaponised him.
As to your relationship. How do you feel? Is this something you think you can work on getting over or do you already know you can’t?
Perhaps talking to a counsellor, trusted friend or family member will help you find some clarity.
Talk to us, we’re all anonymous here and many of us have life experience or professional knowledge that may help.
I wish you well
I am so sorry. She is awful for doing this to you and that little boy and putting you in this situation. Sending live to you
For the sake of your sanity and well being, you need to leave. I know it’s always the default advice that Reddit offers but this time I think it seriously warrants that outcome.
Things will never be the same after this. Your feelings are valid and for good reason. Get your things in order and take a step away from this mess. You were emotionally manipulated by someone who knew that she was actively deceiving you. She had all this time to come forward and yet only does so when she’s caught. What makes it worse is that it came from the other man and not her. Now you know that she can’t be trusted.
I feel bad for the child but at least the kid is young enough to forget this trauma.
You have to live with yourself and go through therapy and rely off of your support structure for this big shift in your life.
I wish you the best and am truly sorry for this betrayal that you’ve experienced.
Therapy, my friend. It may not fix it but it can help you deal with it better.
Fack.
Hi Op I‘m so very sorry!! Besides this disgusting betrayal she let you raise someone else’s child !! That is soo humiliating and devastating!! There are no words to comprehend but honestly this woman showed you her true colors. She showed you that she has no respect for you. She was completely intimate with someone else, let her impregnate and then decides to let you pay and raise another man’s child. Op I only can urge you to seek a lawyer asap and start the divorce proceedings. Get your name off the birth certificate and ask for compensation!! It’s now time to regain your dignity and self respect back.
As for the child I can’t give you an advice, if I was you I would cut off immediately every contact with the child. You’re absolutely right this child is a HUGE reminder of your wife’s betrayal and deception!! I could never accept such a lie and such a shame!! But again that’s something you have to decide.
I think you need to take a second and breathe. Just breathe. Clear your head and breathe.
What do you want? Start there. If you need to take a break, do it. You don’t owe your wife anything.
He can still be your son (if you want), but she doesn’t still need to be your wife.
Holy shit dude, therapy and lawyer up. There should literally be criminal charges that could be pressed against your wife for doing something like that. What an absolute bitch.
This is exactly why I say I want to live in a world where paternity tests are automatically done at birth with no shame or recrimination implied.
Sorry to hear this I know it’s difficult. I luckily found out before the kid was born, that he wasn’t mine. This is another level because you’re so attached. I’m not gonna tell you what you should do because you have to feel all your feels & decide on your own but I do wish you the best.
Only you can decide what you are willing to put up with in a relationship. Nobody should force you to maintain a relationship that is going to be harmful to either party. And it sounds like at least right now, your relationship with him isn’t stable. You aren’t his bio dad, and another man, is. He’s a father, and he didn’t find out until you did. He knew about you, so don’t waste a lot of energy on him, he’s a fucking dirtbag. But he’s also the bio dad, and if he decides he wants rights, he isn’t going away unless he dies. Sooner or later he and the child will find each other, if for no other reason than the closure. You will have to deal with that emotional rolloercoaster as well, when it happens. Do you want to?
Personally, cheating to me is a deal breaker. I told my wife going in, and i have never strayed and never will. If I did, I fully expect her to divorce me. If she cheats on me, I am divorcing her. I don’t care how long ago it was, or how long we have been together. Like that dude that divorced his wife after 70 years when he found out she had an affair 60 years previously. It wasn’t one time. It was a repeated pattern of lying for 6 decades.
I’d get a counselor. You’re right, you shouldn’t go talking about this to everyone because you need to protect the innocent child. A therapist will help you work through feelings.
I’d also get a confidential lawyer consult without telling her. In some states, being married when he was born or signing the certificate makes you his legal father and you’ll be on the hook for child support either way. I don’t think this is fair, but it’s reality. I don’t think I could walk away from a kid I raised for 4 years, even if the other parent is evil.
Do these 2 things before you do anything else. Especially the lawyer. Certain things you do leading up to a divorce can work for or against you.
I could never trust a person like that again. I’d be talking to a lawyer.
The poor child, I would still raise him (as long as ex doesn’t make divorce crazy). But she and affair partner would be 100% financially raising the child.
I’m sorry OP.
Updateme
Get in therapy like yesterday and get help figuring out if you want to continue being dad or not . You are overwhelmed right now and need a good person to talk to and work this through with
I would fucking implode. Every single day would be me essentially tormenting myself because i saw no clear path forward and just feel shocked.
I discovered i was getting cheated on and it left me fucking distraught. I handled it not so well and i half regret not going through with my initial plan of monitoring her behavior to catch her in the act. It just hurt too much.
You, sir, are a goddamned trooper. You’re gonna get through this and she’ll never forget the betrayal she committed and unfortunately doubled down on.”
I recommend therapy for figuring out how to navigate this situation with your son without a close peer potentially influencing you.
Good Luck.
Personally, I would leave. There’s nothing keeping you there.
So sorry to hear that 💔. I’ve come to realize that there’s nothing in this world, worse that a woman!! I know you’re grieving, but you need to find a lawyer and serve her divorce papers. Then find a psychologist /therapist, and let them guide you with the right moves you should make, FOR YOU, (no one else) to begin healing and move on.
Seriously, there isn’t a 100% correct answer.
I think you need to get a lawyer and a therapist.
The affair is one thing, but passing another man’s child as yours and then letting you get attached. Letting your child get attached is cruel.
You need to see if you can get past him not being biologically yours, and that’s best with a therapist.
Secondly, if you move forward with the divorce, she may say he isn’t yours and has him officially tested and then say no to you having rights to him. She may do this to hurt you. I’m not saying that to deter you, but to prepare you.
If AP knows he isn’t yours, then he might want access to the child. He also knew about the possibility and hid it from you, you maybe able to sue him and her.
This sucks for you and the child. But at the end of the day, do what’s right for you and the child. If you can’t be the dad he needs and deserves then you need to give him distance. The little boy needs therapy too
Follow up with the other man and speak with an attorney immediately.
Signing the birth certificate may have you in a bind.
Damn! I’m sorry, but the AP messages tell a story of a prolonged affair. She was most likely living a double life hence his comment, “she was lying to both of us.”
Get yourself an attorney, and a court ordered DNA test, ask for your name to be removed from his birth certificate so you’re not responsible for child support. Keep all the evidence you received and give it to your attorney. You might reach out to the AP to see if she was also telling him that he was the dad. I feel your pain, but now is the time to prepare.
You know… before my husband and I got married, he had been in a long term relationship that was like this, in a way. He found out in a hard way that his son wasn’t his son. He loved his son & still does, that was like 17 years ago. The courts ordered a DNA tests as the mom demanded them, he wasn’t the dad and his rights were terminated. He MOURNS over his son constantly. His pic is on his desktop. I pain for my husband as I couldn’t imagine having that happen. I know you know this, but those eyes of that little boy of yours knows nothing but love, trust & protection from you. Like you said it isn’t his fault. Your decision is yours to make. If decisions are made that’s out of your control is one thing but please think long & hard before making that decision. To me it sounds like you ARE his loving daddy.
On another example, I had a friend who claimed a baby was his (he married the mom) when he knew the baby girl wasn’t. The father really was a monster, hated kids, etc. In this state it is virtually impossible to get rights after a certain amount of years has passed. Now that being said… his wife decided to become a really bad person. It ended up in divorce with him having full custody (her rights terminated) of her & their other daughters. That little girl is HIS daughter.
You should continue to he his dad, you don’t have to continue being her husband
File for divorce. You don’t deserve to suffer. As for the child, I believe it’s better to know the truth over time. Because if your wife’s lover contacted you, your wife’s lover will certainly file for paternity recognition, and the older the child gets, the greater the suffering. The best thing to do is to regularize everything. Don’t let your wife manipulate you, it will only bring suffering to everyone.
OP I know you don’t want to distance yourself emotionally from that kid but by all means, leave. You deserve to be out of that misery.
Fuck her. I feel bad for the kid.
Please be a good father to him. He didn’t do anything wrong.
Please do not shut out your son. I know he is not biologically yours, but you are his father. You have held him when he cried and been there for him his entire life. My husband was not raised by his bio dad and did not shed a single tear when that man died, but when his “father” who raised him died he fell apart.
Family s who you choose to have in your life.
The wife sucks and deserves what is coming but you and that little boy do not.
Aww man, I’m so sorry. That must be awful. Are you in therapy? I feel like you should talk it all through until you know in your heart and mind how you want to deal with this.
My heart truly goes out to you. Xxx
This is such a tough position to be in. Given his age, I personally would be thinking hard about staying. I would probably want to make a clean break from both of them and start over. Neither decision is going to be easy and I wish you all the best.
just out of curiosity, would OP still be liable for child support even though he know who the real father is if they divorced
Get tested for STDs
Gather and save all evidence including a detailed confession
Consult a lawyer
Save your finances and assets
Start the divorce
Tell your families after she is served
The kid is 4 years old and you know who the biological father is. Get your name off from the birth certificate and move on. Kid is young enough that you can move on and probably won’t remember you in a few years if you leave. Since you have started to see the kid differently, it will be wise to leave before you start resenting the innocent kid or before the Bio Father wants to be in kids life which will add more stress to your already messed up marriage.
Considering by lying to both of us, he meant lying about paternity, there are chances that he would want to be in kid’s life. Leave and move on.
As hard as it is you need to leave. Just reading your post it’s clear you’re going to need to exit that situation for your mental health. You deserve to not be in pain and forcing something to work in a situation you had no control over creating. Do what is right by you and get her to step up.
I’m so sorry. That is so devastating and I feel for you. Hugs. ❤️
He IS still your son. Do you think that adoptive children who are absolutely loved and adored by their parents really care that they aren’t blood? He doesn’t. You’re his dad. Boogie woogie woogie. lol. Family isn’t blood. If you love your son, maybe start making the steps to gain legal rights over him. And divorce his mother when you have that down. Don’t abandon him. You’re all he knows. He doesn’t know his sperm donor. He knows and loves you, Dad, the reader of bedtime stories and the teller of dumb jokes. The man who has consoled him, treated him like a prince, wiped his butt. Please reconsider removing this boy from your world.
Edited: he also obviously needs someone kind and stable in his life. His mother and SD are literal pieces of shit. Do you want him to end up that way and see cheating normalized? Keep raising that boy.
You need to get yourself together and get a divorce. Get the finances in order. Get your paperwork in order and safely stored. Get any family heirlooms or important items out and put away. You can decide if you’d like to stay in the child’s life or not. But I’d get my name off his birth certificate. You have to protect yourself now.
Poor boy, that makes me so sad for him. Can you stay in his life as his father? If he wants you to?
How dare you have a bad patch where she decided to fuck a random guy that she will have been speaking to for a while.
Fuck him bareback, giving u the possibility of catching an STD and getting pregnant by him.
My anger could never.
Your “son” deserves to know the truth and who his bio dad is. Take it from someone who is close to a man that’s in his 40’s, who’s grown up suspecting his dad isn’t his biological dad and had it confirmed to him in his late teens and who still doesn’t know who his real dad is. It fucked him up!! I have this man on the phone to me on average twice a year every year for the last 20 years crying his eyes out, unable to cope with life, wondering what is wrong with him that he’s not loved. he’s wanted to end his life more than once.
Now I know that sounds dramatic but it is where this can lead and given you already feel different towards your son (although you love him) it will never be the same and he will come to realise that. The kindest thing for him and for you is to stop living this lie. Wether that means making your wife face up to what she has done, start therapy and make a plan for how you tell your son in the future about his bio dad or if you can’t get passed this start planning your exit strategy and divorce. I couldn’t stay if I were you, but everyone is different and if this is the family you want then you and your wife need to put in the hard graft to make it work. For your own sanity and mental health you need to open up to someone properly, you need to let go of the emotions you are swallowing down.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
Sorry to hear man.
Make sure the messages are saved, not just for the lawyer, but for the friends and family she very well might lie to about why your marriage is ending. Don’t let her control the narrative. She’s done that long enough.
Well this is terrible, it is the ultimate betrayal and for me it would be a death sentence to stay there with her. But I want to divert your attention to something else that’s more important in my opinion.
The child is not her, you were betrayed by her not him. This needs to be very clear when you look at him. He is a helpless child yearning for love and your attention as a male model, and I am sure you are the most important person for him no matter if he is your blood. Lastly don’t put him in a triangle position, it’s your relation with him, he has no responsibility for this. Divorce is a normal part of someone’s life.
Godspeed
The human I feel for most in this situation is the son.
Adults are shitty to each other, we’re all awful.
But the children are always collateral. And then they turn into more shitty adults.
I’m not sure what action to suggest to you with your wife or child, but I wanna emphasize: Make sure you get into therapy. This is a total mind f*ck for you. This sucks.
Please leave brother and heal.
I can’t imagine what you are going through, but for what it’s worth I wouldn’t be able to carry on being married to her, I’d be getting a divorce
As for your son, he’s still your son, being a dad isn’t about getting someone pregnant, he’s done nothing wrong and continues to be your son, you brought him up for the last 4 years, you can carry on being his dad