My partner (30M) and I (25F) have been together for 5 years. We have lived together for 4. We are very much in love, we have a home and pets together and I have no complaints about our relationship—I really am happy with him and we have great chemistry.
We have talked about engagement/marriage before. Personally, I’m not too set on marriage in general but I do like the idea of getting engaged and having a ring and calling him “fiancé.” Whenever I would bring the topic up, he would get really avoidant and make a joke or try to change the subject. It was confusing to me considering we have had this talk before and he “wants to be with me forever.”
But I finally found out why. He told me that he wants to have kids, and wants to ensure that the person he marries also wants kids. I do not want kids.
We had multiple discussions about it afterwards, but never actually came to any sort of agreement. He basically thinks I’m going to change my mind in the future since I’m still young. And I don’t say anything is impossible, but I’m pretty sure I won’t change my mind. I know what goes into motherhood and to raise a child and I honestly just don’t think it’s for me. Also, I have a career that having a kid would really hinder.
Since we never came to any conclusion, I’m pretty sure he’s just willing to wait and spend as much time as he can with me until he’s ready to start a family and see if I’ve changed my mind or not and that’s when we’ll make an actual decision. But I can’t help but have this mental block knowing eventually, this is probably going to end. And as much as I don’t want it to, this just isn’t something either of us should have to sacrifice. I totally respect him for wanting to be a father, and I would never want him to give that up to be with me, which he has kinda hinted at before.
So I’m really torn. I don’t know what to do. It would of course break my heart to break up, at any point. But is this something we need to decide now? Or should we wait it out? Has anyone else been in this position?
Also! I want to mention that he’s very set on not breaking up anytime soon. I also don’t want to break up of course, but I agree with some of you saying that it’s not fair to either of us. I would prefer if HE made that decision, and not me. But I know he won’t. So it’s a hard position for me considering how deeply involved we are.
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Backup of the post’s body: My partner (30M) and I (25F) have been together for 5 years. We have lived together for 4. We are very much in love, we have a home and pets together and I have no complaints about our relationship—I really am happy with him and we have great chemistry.
We have talked about engagement/marriage before. Personally, I’m not too set on marriage in general but I do like the idea of getting engaged and having a pretty ring and calling him “fiancé.” Whenever I would bring the topic up, he would get really avoidant and make a joke or try to change the subject. It was confusing to me considering we have had this talk before and he “wants to be with me forever.”
But I finally found out why. He told me that he wants to have kids, and wants to ensure that the person he marries also wants kids. I do not want kids.
We had multiple discussions about it afterwards, but never actually came to any sort of agreement. He basically thinks I’m going to change my mind in the future since I’m still young. And I don’t say anything is impossible, but I’m pretty sure I won’t change my mind. I know what goes into motherhood and to raise a child and I honestly just don’t think it’s for me. Also, I have a career that having a kid would really hinder.
Since we never came to any conclusion, I’m pretty sure he’s just willing to wait and spend as much time as he can with me until he’s ready to start a family and see if I’ve changed my mind or not and that’s when we’ll make an actual decision. But I can’t help but have this mental block knowing eventually, this is probably going to end. And as much as I don’t want it to, this just isn’t something either of us should have to sacrifice. I totally respect him for wanting to be a father, and I would never want him to give that up to be with me, which he has kinda hinted at before.
So I’m really torn. I don’t know what to do. It would of course break my heart to break up, at any point. But is this something we need to decide now? Or should we wait it out? Has anyone else been in this position?
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
Break up now or it’ll lead to far more resentment and pain down the road.
Time to end it
You want fundamentally different lives. Stop wasting each other’s time. It will be painful but best for both of you. Don’t have a child for someone else and don’t be the reason someone else doesn’t have a child.
Honestly, it sounds like you two are incompatible and want different things for your future. If you do stay together, I would suggest an IUD or having your tube’s tied. 5 years is a long time for him not to tell you kids is a deal breaker for him.
There aren’t too many times I even post to say “break up” or “end it” but I’m sorry hun this is one of them. Fundamentally children are a huge decision and you both deserve to have what you want. If he wants kids, he deserves them. If you want to be child free, you deserve that life. Neither of you are right or wrong and it’s a hell of a situation to be in but it’s the truth. This isn’t going to go away so sadly you’ll need to cut your losses and walk away now amicably before it gets ugly.
Break.
Up.
A disagreement about having kids or not is something that a relationship cannot survive. Full stop. There is no way to compromise on it. There is no ethical way to “convince” your partner to agree with you, they will either resent you forever or you will cave and be a horrible parent to a child you don’t want. I truly feel like this is one of if not THE all around relationship deal breaker. He is very in the wrong for just assuming after 5 years that you would change, the correct thing to do would have been to end the relationship in the beginning when he realized. The next most correct move is to end it now.
This was a factor in my divorce. I don’t believe people should sacrifice this decision (having kids) for a romantic partner.
You’ve both already wasted 5 years together with a major incompatibility.
Don’t make it 6 years.
I knew when I was a kid that I never wanted to be a mother. And as an adult, I made it clear when I was dating that if having kids was a dealbreaker, I was not going to be the partner for them. Sure, it led to a lot of giys who seemed perfect on paper either ghosting me or canceling first dates, but it kept us from wasting time and getting hurt.
In the end, I found my person who was also fine with not having kids.
Unless you are a really selfish person, let this man go find the person he can have a family with. And honestly, a ring isn’t something pretty to wear on your finger, it’s a symbol of being ready to make a lifelong commitment to someone.
Take a stroll down r/ childfree then r/ regretfulparents and get back to me… don’t let him guilt you into this. Find someone who has the same view on being childfree.
You are basically incompatible with regard to your futures. That’s not fair on either of you. Are you really willing to just be a placeholder, filling the current void until he decides that it’s time for him to start a family? Makes no sense to me.
Break up. You can’t compromise on kids and it would be selfish of you to have a child you don’t want just so he stays. Children can tell when a parent doesn’t want them.
And if you don’t force yourself to have his kid, he’ll resent you and never propose anyway.
He also just basically admitted he doubts your ability to decide something by saying he thought you’d change your mind. I personally would take that as an insult and feel like he’s calling me stupid.
You’re incompatible. Break up.
Do not marry him, do not beg for ring.
Do not change your mind & have kids you really don’t want.
Do not waste anymore time. Either he will resent you or you will resent him.
He wants to start a family, you don’t. Break up now, it will only lead to resentment and heartbreak.
Children are not a compromise. If you stay together, one of you will grow to resent the other (whichever person “wins” will be resented by the other).
This relationship is not fair to either of you when you have such an incompatible issue – you both need to gracefully and amicably step away.
He’s hinting for a reason. It’s how he really feels. I’m sorry that you are facing such a hard decision.
Staying in the relationship is convenient for him, and it sounds like it might be right now for you too. When that changes, you know he’ll leave, so now you know you need to do the same. When your lease is up, etc, a natural breaking point to separate and move on is what you need. Good luck! ♥️
Really shouldn’t waste each other’s time. You may have missed your soul mate the last 5 years because you were with someone that honestly will end eventually.
He is an idiot for doing that knowing you didn’t want any. He is a typical shovanistic man who thinks a woman doesn’t really know what she wants or what’s good for her, so he gotta step in and save you by changing your mind slowly. And I have seen it happen have even seen men that sabotage birth control because they were so certain that once pregnant they would magically change their minds.
If a girl was wasting a man’s time like this she would be all kinds of names under the sun.
I’m sorry but it sounds like both of you want different lifestyles. You’re not compatible. If you continue you will be waisting both y’all’s time.
What possible reason could there be to stick it out when he has told you exactly what’s in store if you do?
He wants kids. He won’t marry you until you want kids. You don’t want kids.
Why are you trying to force this? Because each of you is waiting for the other to change?
There is no happy ending here.
You’re just postponing the inevitable, and it’s not fair to either of you.
its time to end it. you know that its not going anywhere. it would be ending eventually and its better to get it over with.
sorry to say but it sounds like you are a place holder until he meets someone who does want kids
If he wants kids and you don’t….it doesn’t matter how in love or “perfect” for each other you might seem, ultimately you are not a match and should break up.
Neither of you will change your mind. Both of you will resent the other for what they want. You will fight about it more than once. And one of you will end up stuck in the other person’s decision (hopefully it would be that he is stuck with your decision not to have kids….only for the sake of any potential children, it’s not fair to bring someone into this world unless you truly want to)
And yes, you should do it now. There is no “getting better or fixing” this situation, there’s not even any options for compromise. It’s not like he likes coke and you like Pepsi so you just put both in the fridge until you find someone that likes the same drink.
Not to scare you, but sometimes men like that will tamper with birth control just to get that kid he so desperately wants. Break up before he proposes, because, at that point, it can be assumed that that’s what he plans on doing.
Break up now. You’re incompatible in a major way. Move on, grieve the loss, heal, and then find someone who’s in alignment with your life goals.
There’s no point in prolonging the inevitable.
Stop wasting more time on this. You’re too young to waste any more effort on this.
End it, and move on
That’s what we call a dealbreaker
Eventually he is going to want to have kids. As you get closer to 30 he is going to start searching elsewhere. You will eventually break up. This will not change unless one of you changes his or her mind. The issue of kids is a core value and I doubt either of you will change your mind about this. your options are basically
Go find someone who WANTS to be kid free. If you want to be married, don’t wait until your 20s are over and the dating pool is rapidly shrinking. Because it does. People who want to get married start doing that and those who are left are increasingly the ones who do not want to get married. I’m not saying it’s impossible, I’m just saying don’t waste your time! I’ve had so many friends regret wasting their time.
This will not end good. You guys won’t different things. Be honest with yourself and your partner. Better to end it now if you’re not ok the same page with something this big.
You’re incompatible, why drag this out when you know he wants kids?
You can be his safety net as he cheats and impregnates someone else. That’s your future. Give it 1 yr – wedding or walk.
Break up. The kids/no kids question is a 100% dealbreaker. There is NO middle ground or compromise. You are incompatible and you are wasting each other’s time.
There’s nothing to decide. He wants kids and you don’t. End of story. You are never going to work as a couple. You are both dragging your feet against the inevitable. How old does he want to be when he finally has a chance to have kids?
Put on your big girl panties and break up.
I think you gave to break up. He’s made it clear he wants kids. If you’re not going to give them to him then it’s better than you both cut your losses now.
You’re unwilling to walk away and let the man you supposedly love find someone who wants kids too. You’re both being selfish, but I totally understand why. You’re both unwilling to let go… I hope you 2 find a compromise that gives you what you deserve. I am sorry for the emotional pain you 2 are going through.
Clearly you both want different things from the relationship. I’m not sure if you discussed this with him right at the start and he also mentioned not wanting kids and he accepted you not wanting kids but he changed his mind along the way or what. If you are set on your decision not to ever have kids then I would say you are just a placeholder for the woman who he will one day meet who will want to have his kids. He will find attractive and he will move on with her from you. Don’t do this to yourself. Avoid the drama later. You know how this will end
So for 5 years, you’ve both known that you are incompatible because you both want completely different things from a long term relationship. And you’re both just sitting it out while talking casually about marriage?
This is a deal breaker. Nobody’s fault that you have different aspirations for the future, but both at fault for wasting each other’s time.
You don’t want kids and he does. Your relationship has an expiration date. Why continue to waste either of your time to only end in heartbreak eventually. Staying together after knowing all this is just toxic and tragic.
Both of you want different things and that’s ok. Neither of you are wrong for what you want, Move on. Do not hold him back for wanting Children
You are fundamentally, hilariously incompatible. I don’t know why you are prolonging each other’s misery. You don’t want kids, he does. There can be no compromise here.
Common sense says break up