Hello THT Reddit!
Long time listener & lurker on this sub but first time poster. I’m looking for some advice if anyone has been through something like this
I (29F) kept a good bit of debt from my husband (31M). He found out & is (rightfully) upset & furious with me. We have separate bank accounts – it’s what has worked for us. I racked up a good bit of credit card debt, $14k, on stupid shit, obviously. I’m not in therapy & im too embarrassed to tell my friends about this. He’s hardly speaking to me (I’m away for work right now) I know he’s upset & angry & furious with me – & I don’t blame him. I’m not trying to make excuses for not telling him, but a big reason why I didn’t, was because I was afraid to. I was afraid of how he would react. Collectively we make about $180k per year. Not rich but comfy enough to pay bills. I thought if I just kept paying on my debt it would go away & he wouldn’t find out. Well he works in finance & I was so wrong. It truly has been eating me up inside keeping it from him but I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to keep it from him. I betrayed his trust & I don’t know what to do. He’s very extreme with money. What I mean by that – it feels like if I spent $50 on something, he thinks we’ll go bankrupt & lose the house & be homeless. I talked with my mom about it & she has helped me come up with a better plan to pay it off & I’ve told him what the plan is but I don’t know how to get through this. I feel like I’ve just been rambling & there’s no structure to this post but I’m just feeling so lost. He’s my best friend & my favorite person & im sick that I did this. Thanks for letting me vent
Comments
Backup of the post’s body: Hello THT Reddit!
Long time listener & lurker on this sub but first time poster. I’m looking for some advice if anyone has been through something like this
I (29F) kept a good bit of debt from my husband (31M). He found out & is (rightfully) upset & furious with me. We have separate bank accounts – it’s what has worked for us. I racked up a good bit of credit card debt, $14k, on stupid shit, obviously. I’m not in therapy & im too embarrassed to tell my friends about this. He’s hardly speaking to me (I’m away for work right now) I know he’s upset & angry & furious with me – & I don’t blame him. I’m not trying to make excuses for not telling him, but a big reason why I didn’t, was because I was afraid to. I was afraid of how he would react. Collectively we make about $180k per year. Not rich but comfy enough to pay bills. I thought if I just kept paying on my debt it would go away & he wouldn’t find out. Well he works in finance & I was so wrong. It truly has been eating me up inside keeping it from him but I felt like I didn’t have a choice but to keep it from him. I betrayed his trust & I don’t know what to do. He’s very extreme with money. What I mean by that – it feels like if I spent $50 on something, he thinks we’ll go bankrupt & lose the house & be homeless. I talked with my mom about it & she has helped me come up with a better plan to pay it off & I’ve told him what the plan is but I don’t know how to get through this. I feel like I’ve just been rambling & there’s no structure to this post but I’m just feeling so lost. He’s my best friend & my favorite person & im sick that I did this. Thanks for letting me vent
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I feel as if his strictness with money is contributing to you feeling as if you need to hide things. Time for couples counseling. If you make a solid plan to save and pay that off, 14k really isn’t that bad. You can pay that off within a year. Especially with your combined income
A rear wing?!
Hey OP, this is really bad. You basically started your marriage and relationship out on a lie. And a big lie. I get it, you thought it could go away, but you can’t keep lies like this from people you share a life with. But I think you understand this. He is rightfully strict with money…. I would be too if I found out my partner had secret debt that they roped me into.
What I would suggest is to not defend your actions at all to him for the sake of your marriage. I would ask your husband what he needs to start gaining trust again. You need to be willing to change your lifestyle for him and your finances. Basically go to him and ask him what he expects from you, what you can do better and how in the future you can be better for him. When you are married your debt is HIS debt. Just be willing to go forward with an open mind to change your way of life for the sake of gaining trust. Maybe suggest seeing a couples counselor and a financial advisor? I don’t think this is divorce worthy but also don’t expect him to come around right away.
What is the debt in like is it 14k in stupid shit or is it 14k in necessities. Also what is your salary alone, thats the key cuz you said 180k combined but both have own bank accounts so unless you make more than you spend you won’t ever get out from under it.
I mean… i understand this upsetting him. But I dont think it’s a big deal. A woman who spends money foolishly can become a hindrance, and lying is never good. But money is money. Pay off a little every week and it goes away. Not once have I ever cared about my partners’ finances or debts. I’d probably just poke fun at it. But I definitely wouldn’t care in the slightest. Also, I understand being upset, but barely talking to you seems like a lot. I dont think it’s a big deal personally.
Dam, gotta reign that in but sounds like you realize that. That being said best thing to do is to stop contributing to the debt and pay it off. Show your husband you understand the mistake and are trying to right them.
Well, I’m glad you started out with “I fucked up”… because it shows you fully understand how big of a deal this is.
I’d summarize what you need to do with the following:
Contrition
Transparency
Resolution
Prevention
First, it seems like you sort of already have, but you need to make it clear to him that you know you were wrong on multiple fronts – the hiding it is obviously bad and in many ways is worse, but you also have to acknowledge that your behavior and decisions are what got you there.
Second, you have to be willing to show him whatever he wants, and make whatever changes he thinks are necessary to ensure sound financial management moving forward – maybe that’s a shared bank account, maybe that means you create a budget and review it, maybe you just agree to turn over all your money to the household for him to manage, and you get an allowance to spend. He has to know that you won’t be hiding something like this again.
From there… how are you going to erase the $14K in debt? Having unfortunately gone through this multiple times with my wife, I can tell you that while your desire to solve this yourself is admirable, if we can gather anything from what you have shared about your husband, he does not want that debt hanging over the two of you – which is what it is, BTW. So if he says “the best way to get rid of it is write a check”… then that’s what you should do, and make a point to start putting money aside to pay it back to your household.
Finally… you need a system in place that will make sure you don’t get into this hole again – very closely tied to #2, but the big part here is actual follow through. Anyone that can use MS Excel or download Mint can make a budget… can you stick to it, on an ongoing basis? Proof will only be in the pudding there.
I get how it may not seem like a big deal, but a lie is a lie, no matter how hard you try and justify it. :/
Well you’ve made a plan to address the debt, so not much more to say about that other than you better find a way to do it that impacts on him as little as possible and never to complain if you’re finding it frustrating having no discretionary money of your own until the debt is cleared.
Unfortunately you’ve now given him the evidence that you are not a trustworthy individual and you have likely changed his perception of who you are quite substantially.
It sucks for you but all you can do is give 100% transparency on everything (not just money related) and hope that he’s able to move past it and forgive you. This may not be possible and he may not be able to trust you going forward, it’s up to him alone to decide that.
I am curious… why were you afraid of how he would react?
I think it’s very important that you are owning what you did, but the debt and the hiding it and I don’t want to shift blame because I am making the assumption that he is a good guy and y’all have a good marriage and he is just really on top of money and rightfully hurt by the lying. I am just a bit concerned because you are afraid of his reaction and he isn’t speaking to you which seems a bit extreme unless he has said something like “give me some time to process this and think about it” or “I’m pretty upset but I’m also pretty busy so I don’t want to say anything until I’ve thought it over and cooled down and that might take awhile since there’s a lot of other things going on.”
Little story of my own experience that does not apply but shows why I am concerned: I hid debt from my then husband, now ex husband. It often seemed his anger at what I considered normal money spent was not proportional to the crime (spending money on myself or more than he thought was appropriate for our family). Sometimes he wasn’t angry, but would bring it up publicly to make fun of me and get other people to join in. I began hiding some spending here and there. I would pay it off when I could. At first it got to be $800 and I came clean and we paid it off, most of that was to pay for his dental work anyway which he knew about. Over the next 15 years I accumulated just over $7k debt which included student debt and clothes and sports gear for the kids and a couple Christmas gifts as well as things for myself we didn’t really have the spare money for. He spent money freely, I had to justify all my spending for him, and I managed the budget. He said this was ok because he was the one making most of the money. I was working part time and raising kids. He would pay off his 2 credit cards every month, between $2k and $14k EVERY MONTH on expenses I knew nothing about and he wouldn’t discuss with me. It was an abusive marriage with infidelity and I needed out, but I was staying until the kids were all in school and I was in a financial position to leave and care for all of us. Then while doing our taxes I discovered he had a $30k debt I knew nothing about. I was not in a good financial place with or without him. Paying off his credit card debit every month was an effort we both made to intentionally raise his credit score, he said we would work on mine next, then he refused to help with mine because “What do you need good credit for? Are you going to leave me?” He canceled my debit card and moved his direct deposit to a different bank I had no access to. He paid the bills but I paid for everything else for myself and our whole family (groceries, gas, school expenses) from my part time check. My debt was being paid from the account that was no longer being used and I couldn’t cover it with my check so now my credit is shot. I left less than a year later and that was a whole thing but even now to this day, divorced for a year after a year and a half separation, he will say things to taunt me like “and we know how has the credit for that.” This is financial abuse. It is illegal, but between spouses it is hard to get anyone to take the case. From comments it sounds as though you make more than your spouse but have less say in how the money is allocated. Maybe that is for the best, maybe you truly team work. I am just concerned because you were afraid to share this with him. If it is due to your own shame… ok that’s totally valid, this is all in a you issue. If it is due to his reoccurring overreactions or worse… please truly evaluate, get couples counseling, see what money priorities need to change, etc.
You make 180k a year collectively, 14k isn’t really all that bad realistically. He has every right to be upset because it sounds like you continued to put that debt while married. If he’s tight with money, I can understand the hesitance to talk about it- but how has it happened while still married? Is he holding finances away from you and a credit card is your I my way to purchase things? How long has it taken you to get into this place overall?
I think you need to apologize to him, but then ask his advice and admit that you messed up. If he’s as good with money, he should be able to help you come up with a plan on how to get out of the hole. 180k isn’t a decent amount of money to be able to pay a debt like that off depending on lifestyle in the first place. It’s not up to him to pay it off, but maybe he can help you come up with a plan to pay it off. I think there’s something more that I’m not getting with the story as to why you need to hide purchasing items from him, it sounds like he may be financially abusive to some extent. It’s hard without getting a full background and picture of who you both are and if this an isolated incident or not.
I would definitely look into couples counseling, and if he isn’t up for that then focus on paying off this debt and then figuring out how to get out of the marriage. I know that sounds like a harsh step, but if there’s multiple contributing factors mentally that’s making it hard for you to be in control of your finances, then I think you need to consider figuring that out and it doesn’t sound like he’s willing or able to help you with that.