I (28F) have been with my boyfriend (28M) for almost 5 years. I love him deeply. But I’m exhausted.
A couple of years ago, when I wasn’t even thinking about marriage yet, he would bring it up after a few drinks. He’d say things like “We should get married soon,” and that he loved me so much. I started thinking about it seriously because of him.
When I asked about it later, he said he was planning something special. But then life hit us hard — we moved for work, ended up miserable and isolated, and fought constantly. I asked him again about our future, and he said, “I don’t know.” That crushed me.
We quit those jobs, came back home, and things got so much better. One night, I got a bit tipsy and opened up about everything I’d been holding in. I told him I almost broke up with him during that bad period. He looked so hurt. He said he didn’t know what he wanted then, but he does now — and he wants me.
But more months passed. I brought it up again. We argued. He said he’s been planning a proposal for over two years, and that I’m putting pressure on him. But I’m just tired of waiting. Tired of trying to explain to people why we’re not engaged. Tired of going to weddings of my younger friends, many of whom dated their partners for way less time. Tired of feeling left behind.
During the last fight, I said I need to know when it’s going to happen. I set a deadline: our anniversary in July. He said he already has a plan and it’ll happen before the end of summer.
We didn’t talk about what happens if he doesn’t propose by then. But deep down, we both know what it would mean.
I don’t want to leave him. I love him. I don’t want a ring for money or status — we both earn the same, and he owns nothing. I just want to know that he chose me. But if he doesn’t follow through… I don’t think I can keep waiting.
I needed to get this off my chest.
UPDATE:
Thank you all for your comments. This is my first time posting something, and I didn’t expect such a reaction, but I can also say that it made me realize I’m not very good at explaining what I’m trying to say. So, here are some answers to the most common comments:
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Why didn’t I propose to him myself? Because we’ve talked about it, and he said he would never want a woman to propose to him, and that it should be the man’s role. I understand that in such a situation, it wouldn’t be our happy moment, but rather he would feel hurt or even humiliated.
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The ultimatum: That evening, we talked a lot about this topic. I explained in detail why marriage is important to me, and he completely agreed with what I said. He said he plans to propose, and I just asked when. He replied “soon,” but for the past two years, he’s said “soon,” so I asked for a more specific timeline and that I expect it before our anniversary. He said he’s planning something, but it won’t happen before the anniversary, but by the end of summer.
I’ve never told him that it’s an ultimatum, like either we get married, or we break up. We’ve never discussed what will happen if there’s no proposal by summer. I don’t think this is pressure. -
Even if someone sees this as pressure: If nothing changes in our relationship, why should I compromise and not do what’s important to me? Isn’t it he who should compromise and do something that’s not as important to him?
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What kind of marriage will it be? I don’t know. Everything is going very well in our relationship, and we’re happy.
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A lot of people say I want to get married just because of pressure from others: No, I won’t say that I don’t feel that pressure or that it doesn’t affect me. It does, but the main reasons are not about that. I’ve already done many things in my life that are not typical in my country and are judged by others. I’ve dealt with that, but it doesn’t bother me as much. I mention this because today I was organizing a bachelorette party for my friend, and just seeing how happy she is in all the wedding hustle and bustle, I also want to experience that happiness in those moments.
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This post was just to express myself and to understand what I should do if the proposal doesn’t happen.
Comments
My husband and I were both with someone for over 5 years before we met. No marriages, no kids, nothing. My husband and I were engaged at 6 months, married at a year and have two kids in 3 years. When it’s right it’s easy and all falls into place. When it’s wrong but comfortable you give ultimatums and excuses.. sorry friend.
5 years isn’t even that long, 28 isn’t that old.
I’ve bought shirts and looked at them five years later and wondered what the hell i was thinking, i don’t blame him for taking his time to work out if he wants to spend the next 60 years of his life with you
This will not end well OP. I do not think that most ultimatums work out well regardless of if he does propose by then.
And to be clear, you did issue him an ultimatum.
do you not enjoy being together? why are you so set on getting married? legit question, not trying to shade. what difference does it make?
I don’t think many happy marriages start with ultimatums
If you have to give ultimatum, deep down you know
I never understood setting a deadline for someone to propose to you. Would you even want to be proposed to under those circumstances? Because I personally wouldn’t. I feel knowing someone proposed to me even partially because I made them, rather than them wanting to do it wholly from their own heart’s desire, would taint the whole thing.
If marriage is that important perhps you should propose to him. Its 2025, more women should do it.
Why does there need to be a huge proposal for the internet to see? Such extra pressure in everyone! Why can’t he one night just pop the question? Good luck!
Are you sure you are not doing this for a “ring and status”? You are tired of explaining why you are not married and tired of going to other friends weddings.. that sounds like you are too worried about external factors and not about being with him because he makes you happy.
You don’t need to explain shit to the rest of the world, this is your life. Are you happy in a daily basis?
Why are you measuring and comparing your life to other people? You are not them. You don’t owe anybody an explanation. I’m not sure you want to get married for the right reasons in the first place.
If all else is okay, learn more about your attachment styles.
Assuming he’s an avoidant, the deadline won’t work and will cause him to flee. You sound anxious though, as are most people who give ultimatums.
you’re forcing him, he doesn’t want to marry you. if he does propose, its not because he wants to it, its because you gave an ultimatum. he will resent you. grow a spine and end it for your own sake.
Personally, I would never set a deadline for someone to propose as I want my partner to propose because they want to and love me enough to. It’s the only reasons I would propose.
If you have to beg him for it, I worry you won’t actually want it when you get it. How is it a show and confirmation of his love if you had to force him to do it?
Your boyfriend is communicating that he doesn’t want to marry you at this time (if ever) by consistently putting it off. Consider this: if you never brought it up, do you believe it would happen?
Choose yourself. Had you asked for advice prior, I would’ve said to not give him a deadline but set one for yourself. If he didn’t propose by your next anniversary, you’d leave. This way, if he does or doesn’t, you know it was his choice.
Now that you’ve done that though, it’s too late to take it back. I’d have a conversation with him and gauge where he’s at about it. If he’s unsure still, you need to leave.
Why would you want to marry someone who doesn’t want to marry you, OP?
The second you gave an ultimatum, you announced it was over.
If he proposes because you gave him a deadline, he didn’t choose you, so you lose. If he proposes and doesn’t want to, he loses.
This is a lose/lose scenario.
At this point, you’ve made it impossible for this to work out. Just walk away and put and end to a bad situation.
This is how you end up with a “shut up ring” and I don’t think you’ll be as happy/satisfied in that case. You deserve someone who wants to propose and plan a future long term together
Let’s take a step back here. You’ve been together for five years, and you’re now pushing him to propose—not because he feels ready, but because you’ve decided it needs to happen now. That’s not the foundation for a sincere commitment; that’s pressure. If he does propose under these circumstances, it won’t be because the timing feels right to him—it’ll be because he felt forced to meet your expectations.
So ask yourself: is this about love and partnership, or is it about reaching a milestone that you feel overdue for? A ring and a wedding don’t guarantee a lasting relationship. If you truly want a strong marriage, wouldn’t it be better to let it happen when both of you feel ready, rather than forcing it simply because waiting makes you uncomfortable?
No offense but what were you expecting when you gave him a deadline?! LOL how many successful marriages have you heard of that began that way?
Why don’t you propose to him?
Don’t worry about what other people are doing.
I have some married friends. One couple waited 10 years to get engaged. Another only just got engaged recently after 21 years together! Another had a 3 year rule.
You should just do things in your own time. What really matters here is you and him. Do you love him? Do you want to be with him regardless of a ring? Do you see yourself growing old with him?
If you’re answering yes to those, have a heart to heart with him and apologise for any hurt feelings.
I don’t think your relationship is doomed. I think you love each other but only you can answer those questions.
Your first mistake is comparing yourself and your relationship to others. Stop that immediately!
You don’t always need marriage to be a happy couple.
If those are the only/main reasons you want to get married then you really need to sit an reflect on that.
Have you talked about the future beyond the wedding?
I can’t speak for him but I would leave my girlfriend if she gave me an ultimatum/deadline
Ultimatums often lead to divorce, friend. You may be better off freeing yourself to find someone who is aligned with your desires to get married.
> But more months passed. I brought it up again. We argued. He said he’s been planning a proposal for over two years, and that I’m putting pressure on him. But I’m just tired of waiting. Tired of trying to explain to people why we’re not engaged. Tired of going to weddings of my younger friends, many of whom dated their partners for way less time. Tired of feeling left behind.
This honestly seems like this is a you problem: you decided that you should have been married by now because you’re tired of the (uncalled) social pressure you feel and because of that he HAS TO propose.
Why don’t you propose to him if you really want to be married so desperately?
my good friend went through this and they ended up breaking up but then he came crawling back and she took him back and its honestly extremely tragic. they’ve been together 2 yrs again now after being together 5 yrs the first time around with no engagement still. she moved back in with him again last month, still no ring. her hair is literally falling out and she is a shell of herself. all to be picked by a man
Your ultimatum has removed anything special and fun about the proposal. You’ve now made it a condition for moving forward, not something someone chooses to do. Even if he has chosen, the moment has been made cheap, and all about what other people think and how that affects you. Instead of about each other.
It honestly might end everything and I’m sorry if that’s not the result you expect OP. It’s so hard when a couple isn’t compatible this way.
Um are you sure you are mature enough to get married?
You are giving someone an ultimatum to propose to you? That sounds like something a child would do. “Give me that toy or I’m not your friend anymore!”
If you love him and want to be married so much, why don’t you propose to him?
Wait exhausted from not being proposed to?
“But I’m just tired of waiting. Tired of trying to explain to people why we’re not engaged. Tired of going to weddings of my younger friends, many of whom dated their partners for way less time. Tired of feeling left behind.”
Read this to yourself.
Now fast-forward. You gave him the ultimatum he proposes you guys are married. You’re sitting around the table of your friends who now have first, second kids talking about your proposals and you realize you are the only one that is married because of an ultimatum.
A relationship based on an ultimatum is probably the hardest thing you are going to go through. Because in the back of your mind for the rest of your life, if you do get married, you will know the only reason he propose was because of an ultimatum. Sounds like an amazing start to an amazing marriage. Don’t you think?
You say you wanna get married so that you know he has chosen you. But he already has you guys have been together for X amount of years. He has chosen you.
In all honesty you don’t have to beg and plead and convince a man to marry you, the right one would do it regardless of circumstances. If he is no longer interested then you have your answer. He’s getting husband treatment without the commitment. Why would he propose ?
Don’t let your boyfriend block you from your husband.
Why does everyone have such weird, shitty, friends and family? Are people actually constantly asking you when you’re getting married or why aren’t you married? Or are you being dramatic? My friends and family never say a word and my girlfriend and I have been living together for like 7 years. It’s none of their business why or why we are not married.
In my 40s I dated someone for many years and it went nowhere; he wasn’t marriage material and we broke up, and both went on to date other people.
Several months later I dated someone for two months and got married. We have been beyond happily married for almost a decade.
It was the same man! Timing and communication redefined our relationship. The second time around, wild horses couldn’t have kept us apart!
You’ve communicated what you wanted. And currently, he isn’t showing that he is able to give you what you need/want.
That’s it. Period.
You know what to do if it doesn’t happen and now you just need to stick with it. It’s frustrating as hell but you deserve someone who doesn’t question your relationship and has NO doubts that you are their person.
Ultimatums suck and mostly end up with either a break up or a rushed proposal that he is going to hold over you because of resentment.
Personally, I do have a window of 3 years if everything is going well. I make it known, but I dont give ultimatums. If you do not propose by then, I will slowly separate myself and leave the relationship. I don’t owe you an explanation the same way you don’t owe me a ring.
Propose to him instead. You’ll know immediately whether he’s serious or not.
Forcing a marriage is just going to make things collapse harder and faster. Marriage doesn’t change anything. Even if you get married to someone, that doesn’t mean they can’t leave you or won’t cheat on you or anything’s different. It might make someone stay with you longer (in a negative way) than they should, though, because it just makes leaving more of a pain in the ass.
If you have to issue an ultimatum it’s not going to end well. Never do it unless you are prepared to leave whether it’s a relationship or work.
Ultimatums never work out the way you think they will.
I’m here to play devils advocate…
Let’s say he does propose before the date you set.. are you really never going to question if he actually CHOSE you or if he was pushed into the proposal by your ultimatum?
This sucks cause if he does propose, it’s ruined for both of you either way.
This sounds just like my best friend. She’s been taken ring shopping twice in the 6yrs they have been together and he had brought up marriage multiple times. But when she bringing it back up later he gets irritated and makes excuses or promises that never come to fruition. You shouldn’t have to beg someone to want to be with you. It should happen easily. Also it makes sense to want a legal commitment aka marriage before having kids with him. You’re trying to provide stability for your child, but you won’t get stability if you force a marriage when he’s unwilling. If he doesn’t eagerly propose this summer I would move on.
Imagine this, he will give you a ring. But what he will be planning will not feel spontaneous or even as a surprise for that matter. At least a week after that “forced” proposal you will doubt if he did it because he wanted to do it at that time or that he just did it so at least he would not lose you. You will doubt the sincerity of it all. And if you have that kind of feeling before your marriage even started, you have a rough start ahead of you.
Marriage should be a celebration, not a repair kit.
I think he was once optimistic about his future with you, and now feels so much pressure that it’s not leaving any space for celebration and hope.
Other people are getting married before you. You have no idea if they’re actually making a good choice or not, and at the end of the day it shouldn’t be a factor in how you see him.
I think you would benefit from couple’s counseling, so you know what has put so much doom & gloom into the nature of your relationship. Then you can both figure out if it’s something to overcome, or something to accept and adapt accordingly.
If you have to force your boyfriend of 5 years to propose to you, at 28, move on
Maybe I’m off base but it sounds to me like the main reason you want to get married is that you’re jealous of your friends and relatives who got married. That’s not a very good reason. If he’s worth it, you should wait. This ultimatum is not a good idea.
If he was going to propose he would have proposed. When I proposed I planned out this huge insane vacation/romantic proposal that worked out perfectly and it took me maybe a month. If there had not been travel and a ring order involved, it probably would have taken me a few minutes, because I was ready.
Do you want to marry someone and look back and think, “Oh yeah, that’s how we got here.” The entire text of your post up there, do you want that to be your backstory? I wouldn’t.
Sometimes things are wrecked. You’re very young. Move forward and move on. It will be ok in the long run.
Ah yes. An ultimatum is the perfect way to start a happy, loving, trustworthy marriage 🙄
OP, you’re cooked. Do you really want a forced proposal from someone who isn’t really sure they want to marry you?
Dated my husband for 11 years and have been married for what will be 2 years in July. You need to ask yourself what the ultimate goal is. Do you want to be with him? If yes, titles won’t matter. If you want to be married? Then maybe you are with the wrong person. I will say, I did get frustrated but he was worth every minute of that wait and I fall more in love with this man each day. Think about what kind of marriage you want then cultivate that in your current relationship. Don’t hang so much on a title.
I lived with my now wife for 7 years before we were married. I should’ve done it years sooner. But I was scared; I thought that if we married we’d start to fight and hate each other like my folks did. It was awful. But after reflecting for a few years, I realized it wasn’t pre-destined. That if you marry, you don’t fight and hate each other as part of the process. What happens in your marriage is what you make out of it.
Married coming up on 30 happy years. Together for 36. I was a fool, and should’ve done it sooner. It may work out, OP. Don’t listen to only the negative posts. This kick in the butt may be exactly what he needs to take you seriously and meet you where you are at in the relationship. Good luck!
Am I missing that the only reason you want to get married is that you’re embarrassed that you aren’t when all your friends are? Because why do they matter? They aren’t in your relationship and when that deadline comes and goes and he doesn’t do exactly what you want.. you will be single and they will still be married.
I feel like if you have to give an ultimatum to get married it’s probably not going to end well. Who wants a pity marriage?
My simple response, comparison is the thief of joy.
Stop worrying about what anyone else is doing or their relationships or weddings or anything else, just be happy where you are, with a guy that seems to love you.
My now wife and I were together 3-4 years before I finally proposed. She never pressured me in fact we already felt like a married couple. Eventually I proposed because I figured her family would find us weird otherwise. But we never felt tired of each other and ready to make the next move “or else”. If you really want to marry this person actually getting the ring and what not should NOT be what everything else hangs on. That should just be a mutual symbol of what you both already know is true. That you’re made for each other.
You just doomed your relationship, in case you didn’t know already.
Comparison is the thief of joy. If after 5 years he’s not ready for marriage it’s time to end it and find someone who has no hesitation about marriage.
I been married 6 times this is how I ended up married ever time
I hope you guys are truly in love. Because that would be the end of the relationship if I was in his shoes.
He doesn’t want to marry you. If you want marriage do not settle for anything less than.
If he said he would do it by the end of summer, then give him till the end of summer.
If you’re not engaged September 1st, it’s unfortunate, but it means he’s given you his honest answer and he is not up for it.
If you need him to be ready and he’s not there yet five years in, it might just be that the two of you are not meant to be.
I’m giving you a deadline.
September 1st. Labor Day. You wear a ring to bed that night, or it’s your last day in this relationship.
That’s a holiday weekend. He has all three days to “propose by the end of summer.”
After that, too late. You are moving on. Be ready.
Who TF needs to plan a proposal for two years? Why does it need to be elaborate? He’s not planning anything other than his next excuse. Set yourself free.
If someone isn’t jumping to lock it down, they are not it. Plenty of men will happily date a placeholder until they meet their dream woman, who they will do anything for, including marriage. Even if you get a proposal, you won’t be happy, because he isn’t the one who actually wanted to do it.
It’s been 5 years. I think if he truly wanted to marry you, he would have done so already
I would never accept an ultimatum for marriage. You marry for eachother, not the outside world, which clearly matters the most to you. Bit said ain’t it
If he wanted to, he would.
He is not the one. Move on so you can both find happiness.
Comparison is the thief of joy
Why would you want to be with someone that you feel like you have to get an ultimatum?
My ex sister in law gave my brother an ultimatum to get married. He obliged and they got married at 24/25, had two kids, moved into a house in the burbs. Now they’re divorced. If he doesn’t want to commit to building a future with you, I’d say to move on. 5 years is nothing on the scale of life. I left a partner who I was with for 12 years and found someone else and got married after 4 years of dating. YMMV, but looking back and realizing you wasted so much time on someone who wasn’t ready to spend their life with you will probably be a huge regret.
I’m not a believer in giving deadlines for marriage. You just wind up married to someone who feels forced into it. If he was going to propose it would have happened by now. Move on. Find someone who is excited to marry you. This isn’t it.
Now that you have given him this ultimatum, aren’t you concerned that when he does ask, it’ll be a shut up ring? Sorry but you messed up. Not by having the deadline but by telling him about it. That said, it doesn’t take 2 years to plan a proposal. It might take 2 years to save for a ring, however there are ways around that where you can still be engaged without the ring until it’s paid for.
Please do not marry this man and do not encourage him to propose. It will not last.
When I met my wife, she told me she would never get married, but she proposed to me 2 months later and I couldn’t wait to marry her. Now we’re in our 17th year of marriage.
That’s obviously unusual, but it highlights something important: a marriage should start with two people eager and excited to marry each other. Every single person I know who got married due to pressure or fear of breakup are either miserable or divorced.
A happy marriage is the best part of life, but an unhappy marriage is a prison. It should never feel coerced.
It doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or your boyfriend, but it doesn’t sound like you are meant for one another. You both deserve to be happy in committed relationships without any reservations.
tell him to stop planning something special, that you don’t care about the Instagram moment or story book proposal and just want to get the commitment nailed down.
it doesn’t take 2 years to “plan a proposal” even an absolutely wild one, that’s a silly excuse
You need to get your priorities straight. You don’t want to get married to marry this man, you want to get married because you’re insecure about what people are starting to think, about timelines, and about “getting left behind.“
Just be your self-loving, independent self and don’t worry about all that. When your time is meant to be, it will be, but pressuring someone into proposing to you is not a good look and it is not the answer. Bottom line is he doesn’t want to marry you right now and that’s why he’s not asking. So let it go.
Now, you need to make the decision if you want to stay in this situation and wait until whatever happens happens or move on with your life. You are definitely allowed to have wants, needs, and expectations for yourself but only for yourself— you can’t force someone else to get on the same page as you.
As a 28 year old who’s already been divorced… this sounds insane to me. A proposal shouldn’t be forced, and it wild that’s what OP actually wants.
Gently, OP. Do you want to be with someone who wholeheartedly wants to marry you and be with you, or do you want to be with someone that you had to strong-arm down the aisle?
The SECOND you gave him a deadline is when the relationship ended.
An ultimatum to marry is highway express directly to a miserable marriage
Girl, the fact that you had to give an ultimatum means that this is already over
Sounds like you want to GET married, not be married….
it’s not a deadline. it’s an ultimatum. and you may have just royally screwed your relationship up with it. yes, i understand being tired of waiting and seeing others doing what you wish you could, but that’s stemming from YOUR OWN FEELINGS. to push this onto your partner, who obviously seems stable with you where you guys are at, doesn’t seem like the a good idea. especially if he’s been saying he has something planned. an event like this is very important and likely causes him stress when thinking about the possibilities. and with how you GOT INTOXICATED and opened up about your feelings, instead of being upfront, it probably made him a little bit more hesitant.
While I wouldn’t want to wait years for a proposal, I wouldn’t give my SO an ultimatum. That is simply trying to push the other person into something they clearly aren’t ready for. It sounds like he’s nowhere near being ready for the next big step in your relationship. It doesn’t make him a bad person, but it does complicate expectations in the relationship.
The ultimatum may have just ruined things completely.
I think if you were going to break up with them when times got a bit hard, marriage is not in either of your best interests.
Stupidest thing you could have done. Do you love him or not? You almost left him in a Low period. The hurt lets you know he wasn’t thinking of leaving you. Not the other way around. Sounds like you need to decide if you want him or not. You may not care about the ring, but you’re looking for status.
Why would you want to marry a guy you have to beg to propose to you????
I don’t like ultimatums. Even if he does propose, every time you look at that ring you’re going to be reminded that you basically had to threaten him in order to get it. You should marry someone that is enthusiastic about doing it.
this won’t solve anything: the fact that you gave him an ultimatum for a proposal means that even if he does propose to you before the day you told him you’ll still feel like he only did it to please you
You don’t want to marry a man you have to push to marry you.
I was in the same situation at nearly the same age — also together five years. He was supposed to be looking for a ring and never did. I decided I wasn’t going to push him. I realized I was dragging him through life in so many other ways (making sure we got places on time, pushing him to do more work wise, etc.)
He ended up cheating and, looking back, I’m glad he did. That is what finally gave me the push to leave. A year or two later I got married to an amazing man. We have now been married over a decade and have built an amazing life.
Ultimatums rarely work out
Bruh if you gotta force the guy to propose, are you sure you wanna be with that guy?
Apologize and let him decide when to propose. A ring won’t change anything, but giving him an ultimatum and forcing him to propose will…
Be grateful.
Sorry, OP but this would make me so uncomfortable.
Why would you want someone to propose to you because you pressured them to do it
I will never understand why marriage is such a big deal. It costs a monumental amount of money, and to what? Somehow “prove” that you love each other? Well that should be pretty clear. Why be the cool outliers that do not need to get married. You can even do the vows at home if you wish, or if is to officially be husband and wife you can just get it done in a court. It’s just a big party.
Question: once you get the ring, what happens? Is anything truly different? You’re taking the most romantic gesture he can give and turning it into a chore for him. Who cares if your younger friends are getting married? You’re 28. You don’t need a proposal to know that he “chose” you, you choose each other every day, and if this is a commitment you truly want, you’ll need to continue choosing each other for the rest of your lives. But it doesn’t sound like you care about that at all. It sounds like you’re scared of being compared to others and you just want a big flashy ring to show off to all your friends. You may not know it, and I can’t speak for every man in the world, but men fantasize about proposing. We fantasize about creating this perfect, beautiful, romantic moment, where it’s going to be, what significance the location will be, how to pull it off without them suspecting a thing. You’ve ruined all of that for him. Best case scenario you get a soulless proposal, but based on the title alone, it sounds like you know it’s over.
If he is a smart dude you just did him a HUGE favor. Hopefully he runs as fast as he can and saves himself years of bull shit.
If you love him and he loves you, why isn’t that enough?
If you’re sure your relationship is good why is this a need?
Damn I hope bro can read betwen the lines and plans an escape, not a proposal. Imagine legally tethering yourself to a woman like this. I would rather take a bullet to the back the head.
Who tf does this?
if you do get a ring it will be a shut up ring so tread lightly please
I can tell you from a m33 perspective, been with my girl for 8 years, not married.
If she did this to me, it would only make me question it..
Even if i was sure, acting like that, would make me not go for it.
There can be many reasons he dident do it.
Maybe he wants a big flashy wedding but cant afford it?
I would for sure be in doubt if my girlfriend acted like that.
Marriage is not the important part.
Being together is.
You make it sound like you want to get married, to get married.
This is the reason why 50% of marriages end in failure.
An ultimatum is possibly the worst ever reason to propose to someone and, really, do you even actually WANT a coerced proposal? Do you want to live your married life knowing that you had to force his hand to get it? That he was only willing to commit the way you wanted to when it was that or lose you for good?
This is going to sound harsh, I know, but this is ridiculous behaviour. If you two couldn’t come to a rational compromise, an ultimatum isn’t going to fix anything. This is a fundamental difference in where the two of you currently are and are ready to be in life, and that is not a crime, but it is something you have to approach with a sense of maturity and rationality that is just, frankly, not on display here. Especially because by your own admission, you just left this as a vague, open-ended “or else” type threat. He says he’s planning a proposal for you now, but after this, I wouldn’t be surprised if it’s actually his escape plan that he’s prioritizing.
You’ve issued an ultimatum. You have to be ready for it to blow up in your face. Good luck, OP. I mean it
Do not mention the proposal or marriage again. He knows what you want. He claims to have a plan.
In June, start looking for another place to live. No need to mention this to him. When July 31st rolls around, sign the lease for the new place, pack up your stuff, and move out.
You’re doing the right thing.
Do you really want him to propose after what you told him? To marry you so you wouldn’t break up? So you can brag to your friends?
If the answer is yes, you are the problem.
Yikes. I know everyone is different, my wife and I were together about that long before I proposed and we didn’t get married for almost a decade after that (long story), but there was never any pressure about it to or from either of us before or after.
Either way, ultimatums of any kind in long term committed relationships are usually big red flags in my experience.
What has everyone else got to do with your relationship? If you’re ready to throw a whole relationship away over a piece of paper and a party, you’re not ready to be married anyway. He’s told you it’s coming, now you’ve set a deadline it’s not going to be as special because you’ve demanded it. I wouldn’t be shocked if he changes his mind after being given an ultimatum
I don’t understand why you simply can’t just “be” together and let it happen (or not). It’s ridiculous that anyone who isn’t the two of you would be pressuring you to make your relationship into something else—even more ridiculous that you care. If you’re happy, be happy and appreciate what you have.
I’m baffled why someone would blow up their relationship—which they claim to love—over a proposal that may or may not come. It’s like you’re telling him that the idea of marriage is better than the life you’re living with him now.
It’s alright to not want to get married. And being reluctant about it is not a refusal. You’re continuously setting expectations that sound like they’re being dictated to follow a script.
You’re also leaning too heavily on the words you spoke when each of you was drunk. The thing about alcohol is that it alters our brains, our bodies, and in turn affects our perceptions. I’ve thought I was “in love” with my friend once, because we were so drunk and I was enjoying the hell out of the night. It’s not always really what the sober mind wants.
You’ve given the ultimatum. You’ve set a deadline. You say you don’t want things to end. You wouldn’t—and should never!—have drawn that line unless you were ready to walk away.
Is it more important to you to be married or to be with him?
I think an ultimatum is a very shitty way to deal with this. The only way forward as a couple is to discuss; why did he want to propose so badly at first but hasn’t don’t it? What is holding him back. In the end if there are no bad intentions I would assume you are working towards the same goal, being a happy life together? Discuss what is holding him back, don’t say “if you don’t propose we are done”. It is counterproductive because either he proposes and you have the feeling he did it just to stay with you, or he is frozen even more by fear and you breaking up. There are no winners this way.
Counterpoint: I think it’s valid to want to get married, just as it’s valid to not want to get married. There’s no way for both parties to compromise. If he is still dragging his feet, it’s probably not because he doesn’t love you, it’s because your goals do not align. Best to move on in this case.
Ask me how I know.
I moved on from a good relationship because my partner did not want marriage, and I allowed myself time to grieve and then found my husband. A great relationship. I’m so grateful I ended it so that I could get what I wanted. You deserve to get what you want OP.
It’s not being “chosen” if you have to beg for it xx
Five years?! Girl. He doesn’t want you like that. I promise. Take whatever scraps of dignity you have and run
This is not a good idea. He doesn’t want to marry you. Force him into it and he will make you pay for that every single day. And probably will do the same thing to any kids you have. Unless a man is absolutely enthusiastic about being married to you and put action into making it happen, he already knows you are not the one.
It doesn’t take two years to plan a proposal. He’s stringing you along.
If he wanted to, he’d do it. Either learn to be happy being with him, unmarried, or leave. My cousin is a very goal oriented woman and had told her boyfriend of around 7 years that they’re either married in the next 2 years or she was leaving to find someone who had a more similar view of their future. He didn’t believe her. She left. She’s now been happily married to an awesome guy for 12 years though it took her awhile to find him. It’s incredibly risky, but it can work out if you decide to leave.
You don’t need to give him a deadline. You just need to go, and tell him, “You’re clearly not ready for marriage, but I am. I don’t want a boyfriend any longer, I want a husband. If that’s not you, then it’s time to move on.”
If he wants you to be his wife, then let him propose. If he doesn’t, then you’ve avoided the pressure of making him break up.
But in concept, this is a good thing. Until society values either partner proposing, the only way for women to force the issue is to remove themselves from the dating situation.
OP, you’ve given him your MID TWENTIES. Don’t allow him to give you a “shut-up” ring, and don’t give him your EARLY THIRTIES. Too many women find out when they’re 33 that their boyfriend was just stringing them along, they get dumped, and within a year, their ex boyfriend is married to a 24 year old.
Honey, if he wanted to, he would have.
He’s on the fence because of the fighting. No one wants that for the rest of their life.
Go to couples counseling. Learn communication skills. Then decide if you want the commitment.
Good luck.
I gave an ultimatum to my ex of 4 years. I was very clear about my relationship timeline expectation a year in to the relationship when he asked me to move in. When I gave him a more concise timeline, he ignored it and I was left waiting for another 8 months. He said he was going to propose maybe on my birthday which was less than 1 month away. We had decided on a custom ring which he never put a deposit down. I asked him if he had actually done anything as far as a ring or proposal and he said no, he only talked about it with 1 friend. A custom ring would not have been ready in time
Woulda coulda shoulda does not equal him doing the action. Boy math is just because they thought of it it means they did it and they want points for it. Thoughts don’t count.
I had many women put me down calling it a shut up ring. But I was 29 and he was 31. I’ve got medical diagnoses that conflict with fertility. He put off buying a house and proposing because of his career interests. If he’s telling you he wants to marry you but doesn’t propose, you’ve got a liar on your hands. Rings can be sold, weddings can be canceled. There’s no reason he can’t just show you his commitment. If it’s about ring money, it’s easy to find something pointless he splurges on that he justifies. Men and women alike do this, but it’s about showing the other person you care about them with a dowry. Personally I even offered a fake $100 dupe for the meantime and the real ring later just for him to be able to commit easier and sooner.
Ultimatum “worked” for me when the time came. We broke up and I met then married my husband a year and a half later. I’m pregnant with my first child now.
You have to prioritize what you want for YOUR life. Not always making everything convenient for other people. There is no perfect time, place, way to propose. However he does it will still mean a lot that he’s committing.
This is how a 7 year relationship of mine ended, the next person I got in to a serious relationship with was my husband, good luck friend!
I’m sorry, but I think if he wanted to be married, he would have married you by now. Good intentions don’t amount to follow through. I do hope he realizes what he has and follows through ❤️🩹
It sounds like you are both unhappy, it’s best to end the relationship.
You can still care about someone, but not work well together as a couple.
Ultimatums are never a good idea- he said he feels pressure.
Also after 5years do you want to be with him?
I gotta say as a guy, someone I want to marry demanding I do it by a specific timeframe would make me change my mind.
Can we talk about edit 3. “Why should I compromise and not do something that’s important to me. Shouldn’t he compromise and do something that’s not important to him?” That’s not what compromise means. Compromise is a mutual agreement that’s meets in the middle. If you are willing to end it over him not proposing “in time” then he deserves someone better
This isn’t going to end well. It’s going to end with a shut up ring. It won’t be worth shit.