I ghosted a guy who was perfect for me because I didn’t know how to deal with kindness.

r/

He brought me soup when I was sick. Waited outside my class with coffee. Listened. Really listened.
But something in me panicked. It felt unfamiliar. Unsafe even.
So I disappeared.
I still think about him. Wonder if he hated me. Wonder if he moved on.
Just needed to say this to strangers because it’s been eating me up.
Thanks for listening.

Comments

  1. he_and_her Avatar

    an opportunity, if you want to know more about yourself ☺️

  2. spookygobbah Avatar

    Just know you’ve probably ruined this experience for any of his future girlfriends

  3. Ramsay_Bolton_X Avatar

    There are a lot of toxic guys out there. No worries, you will find one soon. 😉

  4. Purple_Research9607 Avatar

    This is your wakeup call to get therapy, DONOT let the next perfect guy slip through your fingers.

  5. Dank_Blunt Avatar

    Poor guy

    Get yourself together before you date someone, nobody deserves this

  6. What_A_Good_Sniff Avatar

    And then a toxic guy will come around and it will be like a moth to a flame.

  7. TheFinalPhilter Avatar

    Oh this guy is perfect so let me ghost him so he can probably wonder what he did wrong when in reality he did everything right. I actually kind of get your thinking but you could have just sent a message and then blocked everywhere but instead you just ghosted him. Sio he probably thought he did something wrong and that may or may not have affected him either way it wasn’t right.

  8. YamahaRyoko Avatar

    I had a friend in my 20s who was so this person

    Kept going out with losers who do drugs and would physically hit her. Once in a while she found a really nice guy and she would run.

    You know I went shopping with her once and she had a black eye form her boyfriend. Everyone in the fucking store thought it was me. The look the cashier gave me =/

  9. APixelWitch Avatar

    I didn’t know how to say “Thank you” either. I was embarrassed and uncomfortable when my boyfriend at the time gave me a gift. I just left the house and left the gift there. I went back and thanked her, I told her I had not met a lot of kindness in my life and she understood. “Just say thank you, don’t be embarrassed” she was my son’s granny and we lost her to cancer but she taught me how to person.

  10. Apprehensive-Leg-380 Avatar

    There are two options either you change something about yourself because he doesn’t deserve beimg treated like that? Or you stay like that but also stop complaining

  11. Xoxo809 Avatar

    Is it possible that there was something about him that was setting off your alarm bells? I’m very much about trusting your gut. Maybe he was an awesome guy, maybe he wasn’t, but I’d rather trust my instincts and be wrong than ignore them and be wrong. If someone you trust did the same things, would it bother you in the same way?

    Not saying that trauma doesn’t sometimes make us avoidant or cause us to develop coping mechanisms that don’t serve us, but I still wouldn’t be too quick to dismiss a nagging feeling that something just isn’t right. And again, he might be a great guy, but something in you was telling you he wasn’t right for you.

    Any reason for ending a relationship you don’t want to be in is valid, because everyone deserves to be with someone who wants to be with them. Honestly, kudos to you for ripping the bandaid off and not continuing down that road and letting him invest more feelings because he looks good on paper and you should like him. I think you made the kinder, wiser choice.

  12. SteveImNot Avatar

    You might have taught him being nice to women your dating is pointless, he’s probably not the same now

  13. Tame_Iguana1 Avatar

    You didn’t deserve him, hopefully a better woman finds him and treats him right .

    Self reflection and working on yourself before dating someone is the way forward

  14. cannavacciuolo420 Avatar

    I hope he’ll find someone for him, as for you, get help before starting dating and hurting people who don’t deserve it just because you didn’t work on yourself before starting to date around

  15. Physical-Bus6025 Avatar

    He’ll never take you back and shouldn’t

  16. Affectionate-Rent748 Avatar

    eww , he will likely hesitate putting this much effort again

  17. SarcasmIsntDead Avatar

    The tale as old as time gentlemen….

    Take notes

  18. GameRabbit Avatar

    You probably grew up around narcissistic parents that made you feel less important than you are, or a nuisance.

    Being raised like that makes us almost adverse to kindness, as if we don’t deserve it, or feeling like the person that is being kind to us has ulterior motives.

    But it’s much simpler than that, some people simply were raised right, and being kind is second nature to them, we shouldn’t push them away just because those who were supposed to care for us failed us instead.

    Seek therapy, you also deserve happiness whether you believe in that or not, and working on yourself is the first step to avoid pushing people that care about us away.

  19. ProbablyHe Avatar

    maybe just drop him at least an explanation?
    he sounds like a genuine good person and will be reliefed to know that he did not do something wrong.
    just because you stopped answering doesn’t mean you’re not able to give a sign of life.

  20. insentient7 Avatar

    I cannot stress this enough; you have to go to therapy and address your trauma.

    It’s clear to me that you’re unaccustomed to kindness shown to you and you need to work on changing that and addressing why it feels scary when someone shows that they care about you.

    Maybe it’s because you’re used to being around people who abuse you and this is unfamiliar. Maybe you’re scared that this kindness means you’re getting closer, and you’re afraid of being dumped so you leave first in order to not feel abandoned. Maybe you’re scared of your own feelings and afraid of letting yourself like this person because it seems too raw and real.

    Regardless, you need to go to therapy. You need to talk to friends who will be kind to you and have your best interest at heart. You need to journal, in order to process your emotions and externalize them. You need to meditate, so you become accustomed to unfamiliar emotions and train yourself to not be so afraid.

    Because this fear will ruin everything good in your life. And trust me, changing this will be so good for you. You won’t feel shame as often. You’ll feel happier. The constant low-level pressure you feel will dissipate. It’s worth it to improve this part of yourself. If you don’t, you could be alone for the rest of your life. Please don’t do that to yourself.

    You also deserve to be happy.

  21. Icy_Abbreviations277 Avatar

    I can kind of understand. When coming from a place of constant trauma its really weird when people are actually genuinely nice to you. Its scary because its unfamiliar. Learn to communicate better and try therapy like others suggested. 

  22. Ocean_Spice Avatar

    I had a guy ghost me like that, very similar situation. It ruined me for a long time.

  23. nobodyno111 Avatar

    Dont feel bad. You taught him a valuable lesson

  24. SendPicsOfDogs Avatar

    I’m not saying you are wrong or right but perhaps it was your base instincts guiding you. I had a guy do the exact same things and I felt very anxious around him after being in a bad relationship, I felt worried it wasn’t real. Turns out it wasn’t and I got my heart broken pretty fast.

    Give yourself a break and take it as a learning opportunity. How can you react better next time while being true to your inner voice kind of mindset

  25. historicityWAT Avatar

    I did this in my 20s. Sent him an apology email months later. Almost did this to my current (amazing) boyfriend, but this time I was older and wiser and fixed it.

    This is very normal, I think, for women who grew up around abusive men. A therapist can help you get through it, if it’s possible for you to access care. I’d also recommend reaching out to this person, apologizing, and telling them that they did nothing wrong.

    And do your best to ignore the nasty replies.

  26. _the_Doll Avatar

    I’ve been there. Been through a lot of abuse, abusive relationships, cheated on several times. After a certain point it’s like you don’t know how to handle someone showing you grace or a certain level of respect or that level of care.
    All we can do is learn from it and work on not letting it affect how we treat or gauge others (like not basing our treatment of others on what we’ve experienced from entirely different people in the past).

    Also; I believe “what’s meant to be will be”. So you never know what the future holds.

  27. Ineul_Ze Avatar

    I think therapy would probably help you a bit, doing what you did to someone isn’t fair to them and honestly I don’t think you should be pursuing any relationship until you are healed.

    This might be brutal to hear but what you did was cowardly, people deserve honesty, even if it may be painful. I think if you would’ve explained that you weren’t ready to be prioritized like that he would’ve understood and backed off or at the least, tried to help you through it.

  28. funkymonkeyinheaven Avatar

    & then he became an incel.

    “I did everything right, I was nice & then she just ghosted me. Guess that was the wrong approach…”

  29. janesmex Avatar

    You could just let him go nicely after talking with him, instead of ghosting him.

  30. Embarrassed_Mix2896 Avatar

    I think many people here are being unreasonably mean to you and projecting their own issues onto you and I’m sorry for that. Hitting someone who’s already down is not gonna help them get up again. It’s a good thing that you recognized where you went wrong! Now you have two choices: either carry on as you did before (with a quite low chance of things changing for the better by themselves) or trying to work on yourself and making a positive change in your life. As other reasonable commenters have suggested, I also echo going to therapy and trying to figure out what exactly triggered that reaction in you and how to heal that hurt part of yourself. I think talking about it to a trusted and understanding person in your life can also help you process the regret and negativity in healthier ways. It’s gonna take time, but that’s okay. Wishing you the best for your journey!

  31. Transpinay08 Avatar

    Get therapy before getting into a relationship

  32. ISF5 Avatar

    Clearly you saved him from your issues so it’s a good thing.

  33. cobycoby2020 Avatar

    Can we ask what’s your current dating life like now?

  34. PomegranateSea7066 Avatar

    “why does no one want to date me. All the good guys are taken”
    -op

  35. FrequentLecture56 Avatar

    All these comments tearing you up is insane to me. I understand what you did was wrong, so do you even.

    I agree that you definitely need therapy before entering another relationship to possibly learn how to open yourself up to healthy and safe relationships, that’s a given, and there are likely sooo many underlying issues that caused this- whether it be childhood trauma, unhealthy past relationships, anything that made you think that someone being nice to you would get you in trouble.

    I understand what you did, and why you did it. But you saved both of you from what could have been an awful relationship, with one always on edge and emotionally walled up, and the other giving their all only to be burned in the end. It gave you an opportunity to grow and learn more about yourself.

  36. Medical_Tutor_7749 Avatar

    Don’t worry. Chad will still be there to pump and dump you, just like you deserve.

  37. blackravenmetal Avatar

    Sounds like you have gotten used to a toxic guy who mistreats you. So a guy comes along. He respects you and treats like a queen. Which is strange to you because you’re not used to that. It’s possible you ghosted him because he he sounded to good to be true. So you ghosted him before the other shoe dropped. It sounds like you have some trauma based on your past relationship.

  38. MovieNecessary4588 Avatar

    You weren’t ready, and that’s okay. It doesn’t make you a bad person.

    Hope that guy find a woman who deserved that treatment

  39. yallarealrightig Avatar

    Girl you were lucky I want a guy like that

  40. pamelaonthego Avatar

    You have to work on you before you can be in a healthy relationship, otherwise you will promptly ruin it.

  41. TotalWater3400 Avatar

    This happens to a lot of women. Truth is, you blew it, you played yourself because most women love drama in their lives. Some of you just can’t live without it. He’s moved on, whether he’s with someone or not is irrelevant, there’s a 95% chance he won’t entertain the idea of getting back with you. You need to ask yourself why you had that episode of panic, and you may need to consider therapy.

  42. Glum_Cheesecake_8833 Avatar

    Your profile pic looks ai?

  43. iknowsomethings2 Avatar

    Get therapy asap. Don’t let your issues ruin a potential relationship.

    Also, send him a message explaining, but not making excuses, just saying it was all you, not him. He deserves that at least

  44. rocketmanatee Avatar

    Therapy can help a lot with that avoidant attachment.

  45. raharth Avatar

    Something similar has happened to me, but from his point of view. It was the first time to open up to someone after a very long time. I always was very hesitant opening up to people, it didn’t get better after that experience. I was pretty broken afterwards.

  46. phantasybm Avatar

    Nice guys finish last…

  47. Grimwohl Avatar

    If toxicity is familiar, you need to be consciously taking steps to change. You should not date til you have, but I feel like you will probably fold at the fiest toxic trait.

  48. TrueMrSkeltal Avatar

    Hopefully he did move on, no one deserves this kind of immaturity

  49. AdPossible5121 Avatar

    Growing is learning where we’re going wrong and choosing to change course. It would be good to reach out with no expectations to give him answers as he does deserve an explanation. You know yourself better now and the areas you need to work on for a happier future

  50. Palmtastic Avatar

    Therapy. STAT.

    This was me in my 20s. I couldn’t have had a good relationship if I wanted to. I didn’t understand how important transparent communication is. I’ve now been married 15 years with 2 kids (13y and 10y). I tell my kids all the time therapy was the greatest gift I ever gave myself.

  51. CarpeNivem Avatar

    A lot of these replies aren’t giving the guy enough credit. I trust he’ll be able to recognize someone better next time, and treat that person, who deserves it, just as well.

  52. Queen-gryla Avatar

    The bitter people in the comments need therapy just as much as OP

  53. gregorklo Avatar

    You just felt fear for commitment.

  54. leedleedletara Avatar

    You should be telling this to a therapist not a mass of redditors. I understand trauma and I’ve been in therapy myself for dysfunctional relationship patterns. Eventually you learn how to sit with the discomfort of these feelings WITHOUT acting on them and causing harm to others.

  55. HamHandedBravado Avatar

    It sounds like you have an avoidant attachment style, which likely stems from childhood trauma that involved not getting your needs met, or being criticized for expressing those needs. There are typical patterns of behavior of those types of people that I suggest you get familiar with so that you can identify those tendencies as you exhibit them. This will allow you to better combat them. You should also look to therapy to try and resolve the trauma so that the root of the issue is addressed.

    I am currently dating someone with an avoidant attachment style and it is difficult to have consistent intimacy outside of sex because she has this innate tendency to pull away whenever she begins to feel comfortable due to being belittled for expressing herself when she was younger, among some other serious trauma.

    It’s a challenge, sometimes more than it’s worth but I like her. Find you someone who will be patient with you and willing to try and work through it with you, but first you must address the core issues if you truly want to be with someone eventually.

  56. Solo_Entity Avatar

    Good guys always lose

  57. cosmicdancer84 Avatar

    OP, you deserve kindness but you know that and own it.

  58. Videu Avatar

    There is just no winning is there?

  59. Fredcakes Avatar

    When we are so used to toxic, healthy feels like danger. Give him an explanation, but don’t do it with any expectations other than letting him know he showed you kindness in a way you didn’t understand. Thank him for doing that for you, and wish him well.

  60. shesavillain Avatar

    He definitely moved on, but so can you. Get some therapy, you deserve nice things.

  61. 16ozbuddz Avatar

    Unfortunately many women do this

  62. No_Researcher_7327 Avatar

    women am i right fellas

  63. FreeAgent4Life Avatar

    After my ex dumped me for being “too perfect”, one of the things she said was “for the first time I had a real man in my life and I didn’t know how to handle it” before threatening to unalive herself if I didn’t take her back.

    I know I will forever live rent-free in her head, just like he will in yours.

    That being said, get some therapy and work on yourself.

  64. tedbrogan12 Avatar

    I’d talk to a therapist about it if you can

  65. ramenchips Avatar

    i actually 10000% understand where you’re coming from. idk about your upbringing but mine was such that as an adult, i cannot accept gifts or compliments without automatically thinking there’s a shoe about to drop, and that kind things done for me or said to me always came with conditions. and while i echo everyone’s comments about therapy, therapy isn’t cheap. but what helped me a lot was to understand that all dating is, no matter what, is an act of vulnerability and the more secure i felt in who i was, the better i fared when in the dating scene. can you get yourself in a place where you’re okay with that? i really focused on building a new life since i had gone through a major move and was getting my career in order and once everything settled and i liked my life, dating became so much easier because i knew who i was, what i would allow, and was safe enough in my own self-esteem that i could allow myself to be vulnerable the way dating needs you to be.

    look, i don’t think you should necessarily beat yourself up for this but i do think reaching out and giving him the explanation of why you did it will at least get both of you some closure so you can get to a point where dating makes sense, and he doesn’t live with the thought that he did something wrong because he didn’t.

  66. Mother-Plenty-5848 Avatar

    The 100% tracks with today’s women.

  67. Remarkable-Round-227 Avatar

    This is pretty common. Many people sabotage relationships because they consciously or unconsciously think they are undeserving or unworthy of a loving partner.

  68. DutchOnionKnight Avatar

    Comfortable in chaos, restless in order, get to therapy.

  69. RageRags Avatar

    Then try and ask for forgiveness, he might give you a second chance if you explain it well and really apologise

  70. saa_y Avatar

    Please just know the exact reason of why you behave like that. Because only you know better about yourself. Then resolve/ heal from that
    Please don’t ghost anyone, it really hurts.

  71. pukesmith Avatar

    This looks like a OF bot account gaining karma right before they drop the links/pics.

  72. Ronin1 Avatar

    Hey OP, I’m guessing you’re getting a lot of unnecessary shit here and I’m not trying to pile on.

    Im 38m, I’ve been ghosted, I’ve ghosted people. It’s shitty, but also an unfortunate part of dating these days. The good thing is you recognize that it was wrong, you feel remorse, and you seem to understand why you did it.

    Now, you’ve just gotta work on recognizing this ahead of time in the future and making sure you don’t do the same thing to cheat yourself out of what can be a loving relationship.

    Best of luck!

  73. BiMetalGuy420 Avatar

    Wow. That’s disgusting.

  74. ninjabreath Avatar

    because you have an avoidant attachment style. its not your fault – usually from trauma, past relationships, or parenting. but if you’re willing to learn more, and work through it, it’ll bring you much happiness (and secure relationships) in life. or if you do nothing, it’ll just happen again.

  75. Present_Ad6723 Avatar

    My friend is like this