I’m 19, she’s 26. Usually I don’t fuck with coworkers, but she was very eager, so I thought – sure. She told me she was on the pill, we’ve been casually fucking for like 3 months now. I’ve come to realize she’s kind of crazy (said with affection), she moves around a lot, substance stuff (I suspect), prone to raging out over nothing, her rationalizations for her behaviour dont make sense, etc. She told me once that her ex took her to court for something. Might have been a joke, might not, I didn’t probe. Probably should have.
So yeah. She messages me last night that she’s pregnant, it’s mine, no doubt about it. Awesome. I’m a 2nd year student who lives off a loan and a shitty part time job. She says she isn’t sure what to do, that she’s always wanted to be a mother and feels like this might be a “chance”. So. That doesn’t bode too well for me. Haven’t heard from her since she told me, despite me spamming her a tad.
I want to clarify, because it’s important: I know my limits. I would be in running for the world’s worst father. I have severely muted emotions, I was brutally abused as a child, mildly violent tendencies, a bit of a cluster fuck lifestyle (just in case you couldnt tell), am NINETEEN and BROKE, very limited parental support, etc. I would be so unfit to be a parent it’s comical. Would telling her this sway her? Can anything I say sway her?
Oh and for legal stuff: I’m in Britain
Comments
“She messages me last night that she’s pregnant, it’s mine, no doubt about it.”
This might be obvious, but you’ll be confirming that, correct?
Also if you hear from her again I’d be asking for some proof of that pregnancy.
Easier said than done, but there are so many variables here I would try not to get too twisted at this point.
Don’t freak out. She might just be messing with you. Don’t worry until you see some evidence that she is pregnant and it is yours!
I mean…I’d say you need to tell her your reasons for not wanting to keep the baby. But at the end of the day, it is her choice/body. You made the decision to hook up with her, knowing how she is and that there could be a risk of pregnancy…even if she’s on the pill…you put a lot of trust in an unstable woman hoping she was either on the pill or taking it as prescribed for it to be full proof…and even then…so yeah you guys need to talk. If she does decide to have the baby ask for a paternity test to be confident it’s yours as well.
Yeah… you shouldn’t have had unprotected sex if you know you can’t be a father. She is obviously shifty and untrustworthy, so you need a DNA test. Your best bet is to just own up to your financial obligations, especially if you don’t want to be in this child’s life.
To be honest, I don’t think she is pregnant, but if she is, there is a good chance it is not yours.
I would just be honest with her about how much you’re against it. Also get a DNA test if she proceeds. Finally, wrap it up unless you’re trying to have a kid in the future.
So both of you are mentally unstable?
Assuming she’s pregnant, get a DNA test. If she’s not… stop banging her. You seem to have enough of your problems (according to your post), you don’t need her to add to them.
Best wishes to you, seriously.
And if you don’t think you ever want to be a father, there is a permenate fix for that. I have know men from work that said the got a vasectomey at 18 to prevent that senerio. An option for you to consider.
I have two thoughts on this. As a 25 yo woman I’m questioning why she was booking up with a 19yo in the first place. The pill does have a certain % of fails so it’s not full proof even if you take it correctly. As advice I think you should leave the decision up to her and if she chooses to keep it and you choose to be present in the kid’s life, definitely get a paternity test just to be sure. Do not pressure her to do it while still pregnant cause that could be traumatic, just support her and wait until the baby is born.
I really hope – no matter what the outcome of this situation is – that this has taught you that you cannot depend on anyone else to handle your birth control.
If you don’t want kids, YOU have to get a vasectomy or wear a condom every. single. time.
DNA test. Don’t have sex with her again until you know she’s pregnant and it’s yours.
Decent chance she’s lying. Ask for proof, don’t give her any money until a DNA test shows it’s yours.
Oh, start looking for another job, too.
She seems bipolar and may have something else going for her like schizophrenia since my ex acted a similar way while being diagnosed with bipolar and schizophrenia
I love that people are out here taking basically strangers word on very important stuff.
“I’m on the pill”
“I don’t have any STI’s”
✨START TAKING YOUR SEXUAL HEALTH SERIOUSLY✨
You friggin Muppets
Agree, it’s your choice to indulge.. we’ve all taken sex ed. You know what you got yourself into. Under the influence or not no excuse. You both are held responsible for your actions. Take accountability
Ask forma pregnacny test, and then if it is real, ask for a paternity test
Get a paternity, if she is really pregnant. Stop having unprotected sex.
You need to share that last paragraph with her. Strap up next time or get a vasectomy. It’s covered by insurance and painless.
Oh well bro, do what you gotta do. A child is a blessing in reality. Cut out your hobbies for the time being and just do school / work / baby until you get the credentials from school to do a better career.
In the end you are a man. Do you really think the purpose of your life is to be happy?
Always paternity test always
Do not believe her without tests! Without a pregnancy test taken in front of you and paternity tests, you do not know if she’s telling the truth.
She probably deliberately told you she was on pill hoping to get pregnant so you would hook up with her and take care of her.
You made a big and costly mistake.
Tell her your parents are paying for you to move to Canada/Estonia/US/whatever (a jurisdiction where she can’t sue for child support) and disappear. Hopefully she’ll never come looking to confirm and just decide she doesn’t wanna do this alone.
Normally wouldn’t recommend such drastic measures, but bitch is clearly nuts and you’re too young.
Treat her as you would a best friend, and if yous have the baby, just do your best. It’s all any parent can do. The instability you describe in your partner could actually be balanced by your less emotional drive style. If you accept the mission with humility and an open mind, be kind to her and yourself, you’ll probably be fine.
Of course if you have any doubts, confirm paternity for yourself. Maybe say that your family is requiring it or something. Best to know and go from there. Best of luck
Tell her your limitations. Also make a decision now whether this is somebody you want to partner with and it sounds like the answer to that is fuck no
My advice is tell her your limitations. Tell her you will support her decision and you’ll do your best to be in the child’s life as best you can, but she’ll probably have to be the primary home for it, I should probably make more sense for the first few years anyway.
I am a little concerned about possible substance use. That can really fuck up a fetus. It also sounds like she might be a bit of a difficult and scary parent for a child. Could be perpetuating the cycle of abuse. I’m gonna have to think about how you can manage that, although you might not be able to.
(FYI A lot of places you can look up civil court records online. Might be worthwhile educating yourself…. Also, once a child is born insist on a paternity test. She sounds volatile so maybe you are not the dad, but you know her better than I can from your description..)
Jesus. Why don’t guys wear condoms anymore? They are also to protect men from paying for a child for the next 18 years.
Sorry I know you know that but damn.
I would tell her that if she keeps the baby you are unfit to be a father, you understand that after a paternity test you’ll be legally financially required to contribute, which currently looks like XxX. Say exactly why you would be an unfit father and why it would be challenging for you to be in their life (unless you want to). Don’t let her have false ideas about what the reality will look like, put any storytale rubbish to bed.
Is there any chance she’s unstable enough to be making this up?
She might NOT be pregnant just get that verified first.
This is why boys need to get snipped.
You want to know what to do. Grow an actual pair and give that child what it deserves.
Do better
whats up with the influx of posts like this lately? this is like the 3rd day in a row something like this has been posted
Wear condoms, don’t trust everyone about them being infertile or on birth control, get a paternity test before you take ownership of the child!!!
Just remember that you are still growing and those criticisms you have of yourself can be corrected. I was similar at 19 and my twenties were a period of significant emotional growth.
Start seeing a therapist and learn how to feel and deal with emotions. Your child will be better for it
Man this is why you don’t have sex without expecting to have a kid. One time maybe but reoccurring and you didn’t wear a condom??!
You have to step up and be responsible for your kid. Your probably not interested in her emotionally from what ive heard so you can so parent well enough and don’t have to deal with ex bf drama. That’s if she chooses to give birth and not adopt.
Talk to her about getting an abortion. If she wants typo raise this baby make clear it’s on her own. Pay for the abortion, go with her and support her. And if you never want kids, get a vasectomy now.
Ngl first red flag was that she’s sleeping with someone so much younger than her. I’m 28 and would never see myself being with someone five years younger than me, especially someone who can’t even buy cigarettes yet (at least where I am you have to be 21)
This is a disaster in the making. There is no need to bring an innocent child into the world when both of you have issues. A child will not fix anything like I assume she believes.
And I am glad you know yourself well enough about being a father. I am sorry you had a that type of childhood. You are young. You can grow and work on yourself!! So that one day when you meet the right woman you can decide together to bring a child into this world because you are ready!
So you were having unprotected sex with a random person and you havent doubt her words for not even a second… you also came in her with absolutely no questions about her health (gross🤢) or the fact that she could have lied to you when YOU KNEW that girl was mentally unstable and was probably lying to you on a lot of things…. on top of that, you had 0 interest in that girl and now you don’t give a fuck about your future son… you also knew this girl suffers of substance abuse… and you still went on for months… this sounds like the consquences of your actions and PLS do not give birth to that poor thing… not because I believe that he’s unworthy to be born but because both of you are terrible people and y’all would give your baby a miserable life! TERRIBLE AND IMMATURE AND DRUG ADDICTS PARENTS, I promise you, she WILL suffer…. and now you’re complaining about the fact that you don’t know how to grow a baby because of your shitty job. YOU KNEW HOW BABIES ARE MADE AND YOU KNEW HOW TO SIMPLY AVOID THAT. Why people are so ignorant?? Ignorant people should at least mind their own business alone and not doing stupid things that could potentially harm other people, that baby has no guilt to suffer because you couldnt keep it in your pants, you would have fucked everything that was breathing… you knew that girl was mentally unstable you still decided to get involved with her, just know that you’re any better than her, at least she does what she does because she’s mentally ill, you do that because you’re horny all the time and you don’t give a shit about the problems you’re about to create. I’m your age and at NO POINT in my life i was that dumb, selfish and clueless. Do better with your life
My advice would be to tell her what you wrote here about your inability to be a father at this time. Be very upfront about your muted emotions, history of violent behavior, extremely limited financials, etc.
This would do two things for you; 1) Have you on record telling her before the pregnancy that you want nothing to do with it for clear medical (psychiatric) reasons, and 2) Will help to flesh out whether this is a fake pregnancy – or worse, and intentional pregnancy to try to trap you. Traps don’t work if there’s nothing to catch.
For her, it will give her true and accurate information about what she will be going into IF she actually is pregnant and IF she chooses to keep it. You having what you wrote out here sent to her in writing as a full disclosure of what’s going on with you will assist you in not having to have custody and also in potentially voluntarily severing parental rights down the road.
Be honest.
Tell her if she keeps it she’s on her own & it will destroy her life & theirs.
I don’t have practical advice for this specific situations- others have already pointed out that the woman may be deceptive/manipulative, and that you need to take more precautions with contraception in the future. You just gotta make it clear that if there genuinely is a pregnancy, that you are not in any way prepared or willing to be a parent- and that she needs to seriously consider her own capacity.
For general life though; you’ve had some real bad shit happen to you, but you do have agency to turn things around. Don’t be around people with mental illness and associated issues unless you’re certain you won’t be ‘enabling’ each other- be around people who aren’t reckless, who take accountability, and will call each other out and set boundaries. Seek all of the mental health help you can get- it’s hard to get more than basic CBT on the NHS but if you start pushing now then hopefully you’ll be on a supportive path by the time you’re entering full time work.
Talk to student support about not having family in your corner- there may be extra student finance available, so you can quit your job and focus on your studies. Look into Disabled Students Allowance- mine covered a mentor which made a huge difference.
Damn bro, so many red flags 🚩
Get a paternity test for sure
And a pregnancy test at the dr.
Honestly this sounds like a train wreck waiting to happen. not trying to be ugly or anything just being truthful.