I got brutally called out on a post I made to another subreddit and it literally changed the course of my life.

Throwaway account because I don’t want to take any chances with being identified or having any other users involved in this situation identified.

I have a personality disorder, and for many years, I was addicted to self-harming through intentional overdose and cutting as a coping mechanism. I was also was at times what I would describe as violently suicidal, and I would engage in reckless and self-destructive activities with zero regard for how they impacted my family and friends. All of this meant that I was a regular at the hospital and I often recognized paramedics because they came to save my sorry ass so many times. However, I am proud to say that in less than a month, I will have been sober from self-harming for one year, in part due to this situation.

About six months ago, I made a post to another sub (which will remain unnamed for obvious reasons) about the content of my recently acquired medical records. The records were hundreds of pages long, and I requested them so that I could work through my traumatic experiences with my psychologist. Out of all of these records, I found a record from an ambulance ride where my paramedic said that I appeared “cold and calculating” because I knew the exact dosage of my overdose. On first reading, I took this really personally, and without thinking about it the way I should have, I posted a photo of the record (redacted to protect the medic’s privacy) to a sub with a caption basically complaining about it and saying I was considering complaining to have my record amended.

Well, let’s just say that the comments were NOT on my side. Someone said that they “hoped that in the future [I] would not be a hinderance to the medics delivering help to someone who actually needed it.” Many other people called me emotionally manipulative and basically a leech. I read every single comment, and each one was harder to read than the last. Despite there being some genuinely helpful responses, the deluge of mean comments was so upsetting and overwhelming for me that I wiped my Reddit account of 5 years of post and comment history, deleted the original post, and finally deleted my account. I think I literally cried reading some of the responses to my post, as embarrassing as it is to admit as someone who’s a grown ass adult.

However, as upsetting as it was to read those harsh comments, some current paramedics responded and convinced me that it was not personal and that I didn’t need to do anything because the record was not a character judgment. These kinds of comments were what finally pushed me over the edge in my recovery and helped me completely shift my mindset towards my self-harm recovery. At the time I made the post, I hadn’t overdosed in 6 months, but I was still cutting. This post is what made me realize that it is NEVER acceptable to self-harm as a coping mechanism and that there is never an excuse. Further, it pushed me to accept responsibility for what I was doing fully and stop blaming doctors for the trauma I experienced.

So now if someone ever asks me what helped me kick ALL forms of self harming for good and revolutionized my outlook on my mental health, I have to give the most cringe response: a fucking Reddit post where I got called an emotional leech saved my life.