I’m someone (25F) who mostly keeps to myself. I dress masculine, walk fast, usually look angry, and I’ve /never/ been bothered by men, even walking at night. I think I gave myself a false sense of security because of how I present.
I don’t drive. I walk everywhere, and the other day I was heading home from the supermarket. I had my headphones on but music low enough to still hear traffic.
I was on a quiet road when a car pulled up beside me. A man inside said something- I thought I heard “directions” so I took one headphone off and said, “Pardon?”
He shook his head and waved his hand, and I SHOULD have kept walking.
But I asked again, “Sorry, do you need help?”
He replied that he thought I was someone else, so I gave a polite “Oh, no worries” and started walking again, but then noticed the car was still slowly following me.
I took my headphones off again. He was talking to me, seemed drunk, and said something like:
“Can you PLEASE show me there’s still trust in the world and let me drive you home?”
I refused, as gently as I could, not wanting to escalate anything. But he kept asking. He was driving slowly beside me, pleading.
Another car pulled into the road behind him, so he finally drove forward, I thought “thank fuck that’s over with”.
But moments later, I saw him circle back through a side road and pull up beside me again.
This time, he tried to convince me by telling me where he worked, his full name, said he had a 14-year-old daughter, that he’s had a hard time, and just needed “someone to trust him.” He offered to show me his ID.
For some stupid reason, I stepped toward the car to see the ID. The moment I did, he said “Thank you so much!” and opened the door.
And for some reason I cannot fathom, I got in.
I can’t explain it. I felt pressured. Caught off guard. Like I’d already committed to something just by not walking away sooner.
Once in the car, he said, “You shouldn’t have done that. I have a 14-year-old daughter.”
He told me his mother had died the day before.
He was driving fast. At one point he said, “I bet you thought I was going to rape you.”
I panicked internally but felt like I had to laugh off his jokes and tread carefully.
Luckily, truly by the grace of the universe, roadworks blocked the street and forced him to reroute. I said I lived just around the corner and that here was fine. He protested, made some creepy joke about “taking me where he’d planned all along,” but eventually pulled into a side road and let me out.
I walked home, constantly looking over my shoulder.
But now I’m left reeling.
I feel ashamed. I don’t understand why I got in that car.
I convinced myself I’d never be in a situation like this “I don’t dress feminine, I keep to myself, I don’t entertain men.”
I still don’t understand why I got in that car.
I’ve always believed I wouldn’t fall for something like this. I feel ashamed and stupid.
I told some close friends afterwards and they all said what I was already thinking: That was stupid.
And they’re not wrong. I would’ve said the same thing, too.
But I can’t even follow my own thought process. I don’t know what part of me thought getting in was the right move, or even a neutral one. It’s shaken me. I feel less safe now than I have in a long time.
I just needed to tell someone. If anyone’s been through something like this, I’d appreciate hearing it.
Comments
I don’t wish to frighten you or make you feel worse but you should consider reporting this to the police. Despite him not committing a crime, it sounds eerily similar to what a lot of murderers and rapists do as they test their own boundaries before committing their first crime.
Ages ago, I got lost once in a foreign country, couldn’t find my hostel, went to a cafe as it was closing, and asked the waitress for directions. She summoned two guys at the cafe and told them to take me to my hostel, except I didn’t speak the language and had zero idea what she told them. I got in the car. They did take me to my hostel, for which I was embarrassingly thankful.
I think about it regularly. I have no idea why I got in. I feel I got extremely lucky. I was just thinking about that today, in fact, and then I saw your post. Please don’t feel alone. On a different occasion that same year, I wandered off in a park to help give directions to someone begging me for assistance only to realize later he was trying to pick me up. I felt dumb as all fuck, I tell you. I chalk it up to a learning experience.
I am so glad you are safe. You’re not alone. The world just unfortunately has a fair number of persistent creeps. But they didn’t get you.
That’s absolutely terrifying, and I’m so sorry you had to go through it. This is such a powerful example of how deeply society has conditioned us, especially women, to be polite, accommodating, and non-confrontational, even when our instincts are screaming at us that something’s not right.
Please don’t be hard on yourself. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were put in a high-pressure situation by someone who manipulated your empathy and sense of social obligation. The fact that you made it home safely is a relief, and I hope you can hold onto that rather than the shame.
It’s understandable to feel shaken and confused after something like this. Let this be a lesson, sure, but not one that says “you were stupid.” One that says your gut was trying to protect you, and next time, you can trust it without guilt.
You were targeted, not foolish. I’m really glad you’re okay.
Happens to the best of us. I’m sure a lot of us have ignored red flags throughout our lives.
My guess is it was a combination of feeling overwhelmed and second guessing your own instincts.
Afterall, no one has ‘seen’ an instinct. It isn’t an organ in the body. And anytime we try to explain why someone gives us the heebie-jeebies, it sounds paranormal.
So I get it. And thank heavens you’re alright. We try to put faith in the world and most times it doesn’t fare well. I’m glad you’re okay. We live to see another day.
It’s programmed into us from a young age: to make other people feel comfortable at our own expense.
Hug the relative that squeezes you too tight. Wear our hair in ways that take time, effort, and are pretty to other people. Don’t run or play rough, don’t stretch your muscles – they want us to look clean for other people.
The only thing I can recommend is to take a picture of him and his license and send it right away.
Figure out the fastest way to take and send a photo. Mine is from the photo option on my messenger app.
That usually scares creeps off.
But that doesn’t mean he couldn’t have gotten out to attack you.
You acted as you thought best at the time.
See what weapons are legal in your area to carry for self defense. A lighter is a useful tool.
There’s no point in dwelling on embarrassment now. Yes, it was a mistake, and thankfully you were lucky this time.
The best thing you can do right now is to analyze your reactions and ask yourself what made you susceptible to being persuaded to get into the car. Whether it was being already engaged in the conversation (as you suspect), or it was a “fawn” reaction, or something else. Most people just talk about fight or fight, but in fact women are more likely to freeze or to fawn. The guy seemed dangerous, it was an empty road, and it’s possible that your brain thought that not angering him with a refusal was the safest option.
Whatever it was, you need to figure it out so that it doesn’t happen again.
Also consider carrying whatever defensive weapon is allowed by law where you live. Like pepper spray or a small knife.
I keep having this conversation with people, I believe everyone has days where we can fall for stuff like this, things like “that would never happen to me” just aren’t true imo.
I think everyone has moments where when we look back on and we can’t understand why we did what we did, that we should know better, that we know it’s not safe.
I’ve gotten into a car without thinking, brought to a secondary location I wasn’t familiar with, and the person driving wanted and expected things. Luckily I just walked away from it, the driver accepted no for an answer.
It took a while for me to shake it off, it’s been over 10 years now, and I’ve not forgotten, but know I’m still not immune to bad decisions now.
Oh honey, that sounds scary and I bet you are beating yourself up and replaying everything over and over.
I’ve never read it, but people talk about the gift of fear and trusting your gut. There could have been some cues that made your unprepared unconscious think “I should go along with this, I have to placate this man and not upset him by refusing”
Another angle – for me personally I was raised with a weird philosophy that being polite was the most important thing in the world. Go along with things and say thank you, whatever you do don’t be difficult. I’ve had to untangle myself from that a lot, because any guy being weird or making me uncomfortable my response is to smile and nod. I wish I’d be taught to yell at people to F off when it’s needed.
Many of us have made similar mistakes.
I once followed an obviously homeless man almost down a dark alley because he said he needed my help.
It is fucked because we are raised to be kind and helpful and listen to others when they pressure us for something. We are aware of the dangers but they are not as ingrained in us as kindness.
Report it to the cops – I did even though he did nothing “wrong” technically. The police thanked me and told me they’d keep a lookout.
I think it’s excellent to analyze and deconstruct your experience and question yourself. But please, please don’t be hard on yourself. Some people are master manipulators, they can get us to do all sorts of things with just timing and delivery.
I’m glad you made it home safely. I’m glad you’ll have new awareness of chinks in your armor.
That creep can go fuck himself.
I spent a portion of my early female life driving, and picked up so many hitchhikers, male and female. It was good fun. Wouldn’t do it now, sadly.
Fellow masc here, add in that I’m not even a woman – I’m nonbinary. I get exactly what you said about feeling safer with men than femmes are, and how you think that changed your reaction. I get gendered male often enough that when I’m talking to strange men, I’m trying to figure out what gender he thinks I am, and whether I can be relaxed or need to be cautious.
This was a bit ago, but I was on a bus with a guy who kept trying to talk to me, and when I ignored him with headphones on, he started snapping in my face. I thought for sure I would explode on a man for treating me like that. However, somehow I convinced myself that SURELY he must see me as a fellow man, and that he’s just incredibly socially awkward, so going against my own morals for how to respond to terrible men, I stayed nice. Then he started asking about stops, and where the bus was going, and I started getting anxious, so I texted my family and friends, and my sister made sure to pick me up from the bus stop with a crowbar in her truck.
I’m still kicking myself that I didn’t unleash hell on that man for harassing me on a several-hour-long drive.
I’m really sorry you went through that, that sounds terrifying D: It can be weird being androgynous. You never know if you have to navigate a situation as a man or as a woman. Generally speaking with strangers, I act on the assumption that men think I’m a woman (prey), and women think I’m a man (predator). With men, I’m cautious for my safety, with women, I’m mindful that they might be afraid for theirs (although I pass better as a woman than as a man).
We’ve popularised ‘fight, flight or freeze’ – but there’s another panic response which is ‘fawn’. Your body decided playing along was the safest option in this situation. And you got away as soon as you could! This isn’t a failure of character or willpower. You kept yourself safe.
I recently got into a stranger’s car too. As we took off my first thought was, “and this is how you get trafficked”.
The check engine light came on in my truck so I went to a nearby mechanic that I’ve been to before. But it was years ago. They said the diagnostic test would take two hours. I did not want to sit there for that long so I asked if they could take me home. He said his brother was just about to leave and he could take me home. So I got into the car with three strange men. I did get home safe with no weird interactions but yes, that probably wasn’t the best decision I made.
Girl I did so much dumb shit in my late teens and 20s that I am incredibly lucky to be alive. I did this type of shit often! Worse even.
You’re safe. You’re OK. You’re just scared because you understand how bad that could have been.. But it wasn’t. You’re safe, thankfully. Nothing bad will come from this.
That being said, don’t do it again! I too sometimes give in when I feel pressure.. I used to WAYY more. Like, the other day, a guy came up to my car and asked me for a ride. I said no. He said, “is it because I’m black?” and I was so close to just saying fuck it and letting him in because I felt so bad but then I was like.. No. Hell no. I worked hard to be able to say no. I worked hard to stop being a people pleaser. No. Another time, I offered to get him an Uber. So, still helping but not putting myself at risk. Years ago, I would have let them in because I had a delusional false sense of safety that came with drinking, being young, and having autism. Now that you know this about yourself, practice saying no under pressure.
Anyway, just be aware. Keep yourself safe. We all do dumb things sometimes but just learn from it
Edit – omg this just reminded me that I recently did a sketchy thing too! My car was towed in the middle of the night and I had to go to work in the morning. So, I ubered out to a damn mountains at 3am to this remote, pitch black lot. The guy was worried and didn’t want me to get out but I was so fucking mad about being wrongfully towed that I had zero concept of my own safety. I call them and a tow truck driver pulls up and has me get in his truck.. We go up even further into pitch black remoteness. It was just him and I.. No cameras.. In a pitch black area with a single little storage pod office. Afterwards I thought, “well. That was fucking dumb of me” no one even knew I was there!
Gently, you made an extremely stupid choice st the time. Now don’t be stupid any longer – report it to the police. You fared well, all things considered, someone else might not.
I did something similar several times in my 20s. In retrospect, I am amazed nothing worse happened. You mentioned not knowing how to report. You can usually report online in the UK. Google your local police force to see how. Alternatively, you can report online via Crimestoppers or http://www.police.uk. There is very likely to br CCTV at some point on the route so if you report now, they will be able to identify the car.
Something a little like this happened to me many years ago, when I was maybe 17 and now I am decades older and still can’t quite believe I did it. I had just had my braces removed and was sitting in the inner city on the banks of the river, just kinda enjoying the feeling of my teeth being so smooth. A man approached me, I can’t remember what he said, but we talked a bit and he asked if I wanted to walk down to the Botanic Gardens. For some unfathomable reason I said yes, and we went to the gardens. The weird part was that we sat down by a tree, were talking for a bit and he didn’t do anything bad – I have a feeling he held my hand or something, and then he said something about having to pee or similar, so he stood up and went behind the tree I think – and then never came back. I waited for a while and then realised he wasn’t returning, so I left. I can only assume he was intending to do something and then chickened out for whatever reason. I just felt like a total idiot for going anywhere at all with a total stranger. And lucky that nothing bad actually happened to me.
I think a very important lesson we all learn eventually is that yes, it can happen to us. Once we learn this we can prepare ourselves. You are lucky this time, don’t shame yourself, just use it to prepare better for next time.
There’s guys who get off on that—telling others (mainly women) “I could do that, but I won’t—but I absolutely could if I wanted to.” Some think the notion of themselves doing anything like that is funny, because they wouldn’t and therefore the idea is funny because to them the notion is ridiculous; which is offensive to strangers who have to deal with their shit.
Your reaction is an avoidance of conflict type of reaction. People associate the fawn reaction with the more obvious type of fawning that involves stroking someone’s ego, but in reality fawn just entails pleasing someone to avoid conflict. It can legit be just staying quiet if you believe that will avoid conflict/escalation. The five Fs (Fight, flight, freeze, fawn and flop) are not conscious reactions, you don’t choose to have them, they are reflexive self preservation reactions involving the autonomous nervous system affecting our decision making.
>I can’t explain it. I felt pressured. Caught off guard. Like I’d already committed to something just by not walking away sooner.
You believe(d) that things would escalate if you had walked off at that point, right? It very likely would have.
With this type of situation, people who were not there will think of it as illogical because the man did not have a weapon pointed at you. But the thing is that everyone could carry a weapon out of sight when they are seeking someone out in such a confrontational manner—and with this situation, the weapon is hidden in plain sight… And the weapon is the car. It’s far from unheard of having a man try to hit a woman on the street because she offended him somehow.
Was it a stupid thing to do? Well, I guess. But people tend to describe something that someone else has done as stupid as a way to establish that they themselves wouldn’t have done the same thing, that they would’ve been “smart” about it… the self-awareness is lacking completely, as they have 100% done something equally stupid (if not even more stupid) in their lifetime… But acknowledging that would make themselves look less superior 🙃
Don’t beat yourself up about this. You’re more likely to react differently in the future if anything like this happens again due to having had this experience. But even if you’d react the same, you’d not be stupid. Trying to adapt to a situation to try and avoid any and all conflict is never stupid. In the cases where it leads to undesirable results hindsight is 20/20 and it’s always easier to judge something that has already happened.
I’ve heard that when you ask people to do you a small favor it makes them like you more. I wonder if him showing you his license triggered the same thing in you. It was a big thing towards trying to show you he’s trustworthy.
It sounds like you were doing all the things right and just had a moment where you let your guard down.
You might take a different route home for a while if possible. Get some pepper spray.
If you frequent this subreddit you’ve probably seen The Gift of Fear recommended. You might want to read it when you feel ready. The first chapter does depict a rape scenario as a warning to you.
Several people have detailed how you made the decision you did and what social conditioning has done to all of us. But I want to emphasize how much you did right! Yes, it was a poor decision to get into the car, but after that, you said the right things, you stayed composed and aware, you didn’t panic, and you were able to get out safely! Congratulate yourself for that and realize how much this is a learning experience. I feel absolutely certain you will never make that mistake again and this was ultimately a positive experience because of what it taught you. Sending love and asking you to show yourself kindness.
PS– +1 for hoping you report it.
For all you know, it would have gone even worse if you said no. Obviously not getting in the car is the better idea but no one can blame you for what happens in the moment.
There’s so many guys who go on and on about how they are so hard done by women avoiding them like crossing the street or not trusting them. They say “not all men” but can’t empathize with the fact that women can’t read minds to know which men are the predators. I think perhaps your empathy got the better of you when you made the choice to get into the car. It fucking sucks, but we don’t have the luxury of such empathy. We cannot put ourselves in danger just to make a strange man feel better about himself because we can’t know his true intentions.
I wouldn’t get into anyone’s car, not even a strange woman’s just because of the risk a car poses, but I struggle with being too trusting sometimes too and have to work on that. Being too friendly is what led me to getting groped while walking my dog. I can’t coddle someone else’s feelings and put myself in a position where they can do something like that.
This seems like a good example of what Gavin de Becker called “forced teaming.”
You can read more about it in The Gift of Fear, which would answer a lot of the questions you have about both his and your behavior. But basically, he presented you with a problem where the only solution was your cooperation, which subconsciously made you feel like you had to work together. Scary people employ it against women because they understand perfectly well you’ve been socialized to solve other people’s problems. There’s not really a benign motivation to do it, either. Pure psycho-social arm twisting.
Please report this to the police. I rarely suggest that, but every part of this interaction viscerally terrifies me.
I’ve gotten in cars with guys like this before, and totally felt trapped and regretted it. I’m a tough cookie too. Never underestimate the unhinged men that exist in this world. I’m sorry you experienced this.
Omg what a weirdo…
I mean the guy lol
I might have done the same.
Still, report it and tell Them his name.
I’m so sorry you went through this.
Some of us have this notion that just because we behave a certain way outside of the cortisol and adrenaline, we will stay within that ballpark during a confrontation, but I can say from experience that isn’t necessarily the case.
I have a lot of bark, and I do bite. When I got bullied by guys during my school years, I kicked and elbowed to defend myself. I snap back when I feel verbally threatened. But 6 years ago, a man approached me in a parking lot offering to take me, my bicycle, and the items I purchased to my home. I don’t understand why I panicked and froze up. He had the chance to get handsy and grab my arm. I was lucky that my grip on my bike and my purchases strapped to my back made it hard for him to physically move me. He eventually admitted he wanted to engage in sexual activities in his car. I realized after the fact that there was a chance I could have been trafficked, and it’s possible none of my friends or family would have found out for three or four months, at least. I had been evicted from my parents’ house and was not on speaking terms with them, and I had recently announced to my friends I was abandoning my Facebook. Going entirely radio silent would not have been unusual.
It still scares me to this day – feeling uncharacteristically helpless.
Tbh if you grew up relatively normal and having most things you need, that’s why you did it. People with normal lives are too nice, too trusting, they give too many chances and they aren’t quick to react to strange situations with violence. they aren’t normally taught the dangers of the world by experience just hypothetical situations so if the thing ever shows up sometimes they don’t know what to do. But next time remember be loud and angry and most importantly NEVER GET IN THE CAR it could save your life. also FUCK how anybody feels about what you need to do to keep yourself safe next time somebody tells you they need you to trust them or some shit you tell them that’s not your problem and they need to fuck off before they have bigger problems.
Don’t be ashamed to be a human being. Your story is almost exactly how I got raped, only I told myself to “act like there is still trust in the world for a change”. Believe me I felt so ashamed of that. It’s taken me decades to forgive myself and see myself as the whole person I was.
Dear OP. Please don’t be mad at yourself. You do not need to be ashamed.
When I was in college, two people were talking and one held out a piece of paper to another and the other didn’t take it. For some reason I had a brief epiphany about that right then and there. That we are conditioned to respond to other people. When we hear someone say something to us we say something back. When they reach over with something in their hand, we respond by taking it.
In this case, you and this man had a whole back and forth conversation and by the time you got in his car some part of you just saw that as “the next step.” And you took that next step.
You can unlearn that behavior. I remember that it is harder than I thought. The next time someone randomly spoke to me, I waited to a count of five before I answered. It was awkward and uncomfortable. The next time someone reached to hand me something I kept my hand in my pocket. It made them feel embarrassed even though it was just a garage sale flyer. But by not taking it I was “rejecting” them on some basis.
Humans are socially conditioned to work with, not against each other.
Your way of presenting yourself as strong made people less likely to approach you and you can begin to condition yourself against the rare times they actually do. You’ve got this.
And here is what you actually asked for: yes, I’ve been surprised at how stupidly I respond to both men and women sometimes. One stellar example is that I was reading in my car in a park and didn’t even see a guy approach me. He was large, unshaven, and tattooed. He asked if I could help him and he got in my car (which I thought was locked.) He had a bag of weed and said he wanted to share because he sucked at rolling joints and I actually rolled one for him. He lit it and I told him I never smoked anymore because it made me cough and he thanked me for rolling it and he got out of the car.
I promised myself I would never tell anyone that I did that. I’m looking back 40 years to that day in the park and I’m still shaking my head. Nothing happened but when I was caught unaware I actually just sat there like rolling a joint in my car with a strange man was a normal thing to do. Big hugs to you.
When we’re in danger so our adrenaline is pumping and our instincts—not rational mind—take over, the responses aren’t just fight or flight. It’s actually fight, flight, freeze, fawn, flop. You fawned. You did the agreeable thing, the accommodating thing, the appeasing thing. It’s not a conscious choice you made, that’s why you don’t “understand” it. It’s a completely real and legitimate threat response. It’s not a reflection of you and you’re not stupid.
Also, when control is taken from us our traumatized brain reframes the experience to retake control—that’s where shame comes into play. We subconsciously want an explanation that’s under our control, so we can avoid the experience happening again. Our brain looks for what we did as the cause of what happened, and as part of it we feel shame. But what was so terrifying in the first place was that he took all the control. It’s not your fault.
If you can talk to a professional about this, please do! You’ve experienced a trauma and shouldn’t have to try to process this alone! There’s so much information on trauma response (during and after) that could help you understand what’s going on in your brain and body.
Fawn is one of four basic responses. You’ve probably heard of Fight, Flight, and maybe Freeze.
As kids we are rewarded for Fawning, if not at home then at school and work. Please Pleasing helps us survive.
You did what you felt you needed to do in the moment to survive. And survive you did. Now you have the opportunity to pick a different response and find a new way to survive.
I would like to offer you a hug. I’m glad you’re all right.
Making it to 25 years old before doing something stupid re: men is impressive! I know I certainly make naive mistakes that scared me earlier in life!
Don’t keep beating yourself up, just learn. That was really scary. Thanks for sharing with the rest of us.
I know my instinct is to be kind and trusting so I go out of my way to avoid people and situations like this because it’s so easy for me to want to trust in humanity. So I don’t blame you at all.
But that guy sounds creepy as hell and I hope that’ll help you listen to your gut. As ruthless and selfish as it can be, you can’t help everyone and you can find ways to help people or show faith in humanity without risking your own danger.
It’s valuable to interrogate what happened.
I see a lot of folks saying “we all miss red flags”- which is absolutely true, but something about how this post reads doesn’t feel like you missed them… they were noticed, and then somehow your response was just short-circuited?
Better judgement was assumed around, consent bypassed -“thank you!” When he opened the door assumes consent you didn’t give. Thats the thing to interrogate. Why did you feel immune to this kind of manipulation (i dont dress to entertain men, thus I’m immune to being in a bad situation)? How do you bolster your senses or boundaries for next time, or impart to others what you learned? How do you exercise and maintain your own consent in small ways so its easier to do in hard moments?
My own experiences taught me one thing: this kind of close-call experience… scams, other shitty or scary experiences like this…. they can happen to anyone. The second you think you are totally immune you are most vulnerable. A bad day, a weird mood, a brain misfire… anyone can find themselves in a situation like this questioning their sanity and desicion making.
It doesn’t sound like you missed anything, other than maybe trusting no one would ever even try this with you because of how you present and navigate the world. Our boundaries need to be firm, and we need to acknowledge this doesn’t just happen to “stupid people”. It can happen to anyone on the wrong day.
Sincerely hope you can find some peace in the wake of this. Do consider reporting to police, and maybe talking with a therapist or counselor.
Gosh that’s so scary! I’m glad you’re okay! I understand why you did it, I’ve been a people-pleaser for a long time and just want everybody to be happy. I’ve been working on learning to be more assertive and say “No” but it’s hard.
One thing I do now is that I never get in a car with someone I don’t know until I after I take a picture of the car and license plate and send it to my Mom. And I make sure they know I did it, too: “My Mom worries so much I promised her I’d never get in a car without sending her a picture of the car and the license plate. That way she always knows where I am.” I do that with taxis and ubers too, so the driver knows that there’s a picture of the car, the license plate, and it’s tagged with the date and time and location I got in the car. If anyone was planning anything bad, they know for sure they’re going to get caught. If anyone ever objected, I would not get in the car.
So far, nobody has ever objected. One guy crouched down so his face was in the picture and said “Be sure I look handsome!”
I got this idea from my Dad. Once when I was little he gave a woman a ride because her car wouldn’t start, but first he told her to call someone and say where she was and read his license plate to them, and he would do the same and read her license plate, and that way she wouldn’t have to be so worried and neither would he. Now that phones have cameras and GPSs in them that makes it simpler.
A lot of people are telling you that what he did was definitely dangerous and you should report to the police, which you absolutely should if you feel up to doing so. And I agree with those who are saying not to give too many more identifying details in this thread, because they could identify you too.
But I’m here to say I’ve done something similar. I worked in the front office for a company that had a back warehouse where a lot of technical work and repairs were done. I’d met most of the guys who worked in the back warehouse and gone to lunch at the pub with several of them several times.
But I’m also really terrible with faces. And I was waiting at the bus stop one day after work to get home, when a car pulled up next to me, the guy waved and looked friendly and wore the same kind of gear that our warehouse guys did. Generic workwear, steel capped boots, and a beanie because it was winter.
Unfortunately it was all super generic, not a uniform. None of our guys wore a uniform unless they were doing client site visits. And our warehouse was in the middle of an industrial area, so EVERY work guy in the area wore the same things.
But the way the guy approached me, I thought he was one of our warehouse guys who I couldn’t quite remember, so when he offered to give me a lift into town I was like “Okay, sure.” and just jumped in his car. It was about 2 minutes later when I realised from the way he was asking me questions that he wasn’t one of OUR warehouse guys, he was just some rando and I’d happily fucking hopped in his car as easy as you please.
So here I am panicking internally, trying to make polite small talk. Thankfully he was driving exactly in the direction he’d said he was going, toward the city centre. And right toward the central train station, which was my ultimate destination. He did try, when we go there, to suggest that he could take me further toward where I was going, but thankfully he had also stopped outside the train station so I was just like “Ah, nah I live a ways out of town and my train will be here in like 10 minutes, thanks!” as I yeeted myself out of the car.
I was around your age, 23 or 24 if I recall correctly. Sometimes you just have a brain fart and you do something dumb, something you’ve been told never to do, because someone puts you on the spot, or acts in an unexpected way, or acts in such a way that it disarms you.
You’re human, it happens. And I bet it’ll never happen again, because I’m 41 now and I still remember that day like it was yesterday, and it’s in my mind every time I see a car slowing down nearby with a friendly-looking person in it.
This is how you resist this kind of pressure. Don’t get into an argument with the person. Instead say, “I’m not comfortable with that.” Repeat repeat repeat.
Sorry you had that experience. Men use your social graces against you and we are not taught how to stay polite AND safe.
You dodged a major bullet. This guy was acting like an actual serial killer before they make their first kill. They test boundaries exactly like this—
Following, insisting, making creepy unfunny threats, and telling you “you shouldn’t have”
Op he likely showed you his id because he wasn’t planning to let you go alive after he did whatever he wanted to do with you. Like he didn’t care if you knew who he was.
I think you should report him to the police. This is extremely disturbing.
Please don’t blame yourself. We’re so heavily socialized to avoid conflict/not cause offense, we can be caught off guard by not knowing how to react in strange situations.
My reactions can be delayed in situations like that, it’s like my brain just shorts out in the moment. I’ve done things that I later realised were really risky, so have other women I know- you’re definitely not alone in that.
I used to walk home from a job at a factory right out of highschool while saving for college – mechanics were always trying to drive me home but I’d decline – one managed to harass me into it once and spoke of his kids and marijuana use (shocking to my sheltered ears lol), and I started hanging back after my shift to catch a later bus instead of heading right out with everyone else
Another one spotted me on the side of the road, pulled a u turn, and insisted I get in despite my protestations. I was too polite to refuse this relative stranger / coworker that outranked me
He spoke to me about my birth control for the entirety of the short ride, how it was unnatural and I should stop taking it etc. I didn’t complain, or mention it to anyone besides my parents, but I was incredibly uncomfortable with the situation
One of the perceptive Indian women who worked there noticed the situation – perhaps she heard something from her own husband who was a mechanic there or simply saw me declining the offers and hanging back – but she started driving me home right after that occasion she had no way of witnessing
I was too demure lol in my youth to ever ask or assume each day that she’d drive me, but this woman made a point of seeking me out and offering me a ride each day
I’ll always remember and be grateful to her, and 10 years later I have no problem telling men off and “no”
This is why they target youths – social conditioning and inexperience makes us vulnerable – resistance to the point of “rudeness” is a muscle you have to exercise like any other, and even at 25 if you haven’t had to face these situations yours is underdeveloped
It’ll be a little stronger after this work out
Folks are right that this guy sounds particular dangerous though, beyond the regular creepiness of men which can be opportunistic and dangerous enough, if you remember his license plate / description you should report it
feels like u got in the car to not make a scene?
I smiled because the guy at the register said that I needed to smile more… was kinda unconscious, and I just did it and I regretted as soon as it happened. glad you’re safe
You are objectively not stupid. This isn’t an issue of intelligence. It is a combination of empathy, socialization, and the disadvantage of not being a psychopath. Normal healthy people lack the ability to totally shut other people out. Socialization is too deeply engrained in our DNA. You take more precautions than most but no one is bulletproof. The headline here is you got yourself out of a dangerous situation that caught you off guard.
It’s a pet peeve of mine when people jump to “stupid” as an explanation. It stops us from learning the real lesson.
Update-
Thank you all for your responses, I’ve honestly gone from spiralling about it to a quiet understanding. You’ve all helped me feel a lot better about this. But also helped me understand I shouldn’t just sweep it under the rug and be done with it.
On my lunch break at work today I called 101 and reported what happened to my local police station. I gave them what little information I had and they gave me a call back saying they are trying to identify the car via CCTV and requested some additional information.
The irony of it all as after all this grief a part of me still pities the guy.
I genuinely don’t think I’d have had the courage to report it if it wasn’t for the support I gained from this post, so I really do appreciate it.
I once picked up a hitchhiker in the rain, at the bottom of a steep hill. I was maybe 23-24, and still occasionally think about this too.
I also quickly realized my mistake. He started thanking me, but then remarked that I shouldn’t be worried he’d kill or rape me because he used to be a Marine. Also, he’d had some bad luck that day because he’d been on a date with “some bitch” who had left him stranded. He just needed me to drive him home.
To his home, in an isolated stretch of rural Upstate New York. Nearly twenty minutes from where I picked him up (and around fifteen minutes past my house along the main road.)
I told him I wasn’t planning on going that far and could let him off a little closer to his place where maybe someone else could pick him up. He cycles back conversationally to the woman who ditched him, and how I shouldn’t be like that.
At this point, I have no idea how to get this creeper out of my car. LUCKILY (and admittedly, I use this loosely) he insists we stop at a gas station so he could pick up some beer. At this point, we’re (purportedly) about five minutes drive from his house, and this gas station was the last stop before his place.
Creeper asks if I promise to wait for him, pinky swear. Sure, my dude! Second he’s inside the door of the gas station, I’m peeling out of there with bells on.
I also still debate how I lived to 30. I haven’t let a hitchhiker in my car since, and never will.
I’ve felt this way before. Years and years ago, long before cell phones, my car broke down on the side of the highway. I had no idea how far the exits were in either direction. I did not know what to do. I had no ac in that hunk of junk, and after driving for hours I was so dehydrated. So many cars passed without stopping, including highway patrol (ironic since I had been pulled over for speeding 30 minutes before). I was tired, hot, scared, and I had a UTI.
A minivan pulls up with 2 men inside. They offered to take me to their “house” to use a phone, just yonder.
Looking back, I can’t believe that I got in that van! They made good on their word though. After a terrifying 3minute ride through the woods, they stopped and brought out a cordless phone from a normal looking house.
It ended up okay, but it’s so cringey and embarrassing to think back on it. It made me think about how to handle things better next time. I could have just asked them (since they lived nearby), where would be the closest exit with a station or something.
If you have a chance read the book The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. It talks about how strong the pull of being polite is in women and how often that leads to harm. Do not feel alone or ashamed. Many women have been polite to their detriment. Take this as a gift to go down a path of understanding and correction. Stay safe. This was a wake up call.
Take it as a lesson for sure, but also be kind to yourself for what you see as a shocking failure. Unfortunately this was a pretty common, natural conflict between what we strongly believe against a real situation.
You might find it helpful to process your feelings about yourself by looking into the “hot-cold empathy gap”. There’s a relatively short Wikipedia page about it, and Hidden Brain did a podcast episode titled, “In the Heat of the Moment.”. Basically, you can imagine how you’ll act in a situation but never really know until you experience it.
I’m sorry this happened. Learn from it the best you can, and remember to show yourself grace for being human.
What the fuck kind of weird shit was that dude on? Dude was sketchy as fuck.
Many years ago, when I was 18, it was my first day at university after a summer break. Classes were over for the day, and I was walking away from campus to the town. A car pulled over and asked if I wanted a ride. I looked inside and thought I recognized the driver as one of the students in my new classes. I had been introduced to many new people throughout the day, and I was sure that he was one of my new classmates.
Not wanting to be rude, I got in. I’ve gone over that moment many times. It was completely out of character for me. It was not a rational moment. Even if he was one of the new classmates I met earlier in the day, why would I get in the car with him?
As he was driving, the man kept speaking to me and looking at me in such a way that I realized I was in danger. I looked for the door handle so I could jump out, and it was missing. The door handle had been removed from the passenger side. All that I had on my side was a window crank (yes, it was so long ago that windows were not electric). By now I was in full flight or fight. After about 5 minutes, the driver turned down a very quiet street, more like a country lane, and stopped the car in a place where there was nobody around.
I was small and thin and the driver might have thought I’d be physically weak. I think he was enjoying how scared I was; he’d been saying some threatening things to me. What he didn’t know was that I’d been lifting weights all summer and running when I wasn’t in the gym. We had hand-to-hand combat in that little car, and every second I wrenched one hand free, I’d quickly turn the window crank one turn. He couldn’t crank the window back up without taking one hand off me. When I got the window cranked down enough that I could stretch one arm outside the car and reach the outside door handle, I bit as hard as I could on one of his hands, which was near my mouth, and he yelled and recoiled. Then I shot my arm out of the window and opened the door from the outside.
I ran all the way back to my dorm. I couldn’t help thinking about what would have happened if the driver had been able to reach a knife or gun before I kicked that door open and hit the ground running. As soon as I got to a phone, I called the police, and they sent an officer to take my report. I gave them all the details, including the passenger side with no door handle and the deep, bloody bite he would have on his right hand.
Months later, I was called to the housing office in the dorm, and police officers were there with a photo line-up for me to look over. I think I identified the right guy. I did the best I could after one encounter months earlier. The police wouldn’t confirm one way or the other. The police said the suspect was a serial rapist who had picked a number of young women up and then attacked them.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. He was trying to trick you. Now you can be aware of your conditioning and use your reason to keep you out of danger.
Stop beating yourself up for it. You made a mistake. The way you act/dress/present yourself has nothing to do with anything. You’re still human and have a human brain. Stop beating yourself up!!
OP, please report this to the police.
You mention dressing/looking masculine several times. It isn’t protective. He may have wanted to hurt you because of your appearance (transphobe, homophobe, etc.). I hope this incident doesn’t change how you feel about yourself or present yourself. He was an awful person who wanted to hurt someone.
I’m glad you got away.
Thank you for sharing your experience. It helps me and I am sure it also helps others to read it.
I’m not generally an alarmist about things like this but this honestly sounds like a kidnapping attempt, and the guy lost his nerve halfway through. I would consider going to the police about this.
You say you’re someone who keeps to herself and doesn’t entertain men – what if the next person he tries this on is naive and happy to entertain them?
The guy kidnapped you for a bit and threatened you what a pos. Please report.
There’s already so much incredible advice here, and so many stories… I feel like I’m surprised I didn’t get myself into more situations when I was young. In my case, I had incredibly low self esteem and thought there was no possible way anyone would target me. I remember sitting through health class with them warning us of how 1 in 4 women will be victims of SA at some point in their lives. I remember looking at the 3 girls sitting around me and thinking, “man statistically, those three need to watch out because it’s sure as hell not going to be me because I’m way too fat for that”. It was the early 2000s where all the hip hugger clothing really wrecked those of us with hips and bellies and eating disorders were just a casual thing.
So that “surely no one wants anything to do with me sexually” combined with my want to be nice and polite so people would like me, and I went out into the world so vulnerable. Were it not for my social anxiety that rang all the danger sirens in my head in just about any situation, I’m sure I would have been a statistic. I WAS subjected to sexual activity I didn’t consent to because my need to be polite outweighed my personal interests, so in that way I did become the 1 in 4 in the end. But given that the bar was in hell and those events didn’t happen with dangerous individuals (moreso just selfish, assuming my interests aligned with theirs, assuming a lack of a “no” equated a “yes”, etc.), I still count myself “lucky” that nothing worse happened.
It’s so complicated for us women to say “no”, and to be rude. I mean, that’s it, basically. It’s difficult for us to listen to someone who pleads politely, and to be the rude one and say “no”.
We’ve been raised to be people pleasers. And sometimes it gets us killed.
Congratulations, OP, you’re alive! I’m so happy for you, and thank you so much for sharing this so we can learn from it.
Honey, I’m just sick for you. I’m glad that you’re okay except for being shaken. It’s sickening, but we have to be at the top of our game every single moment. Women especially are conditioned from the time that we are toddlers to be nice. You were being nice. We have to work against our conditioning and be bitches. I don’t blame you for getting in the car. I blame everyone who told Baby OP to be nice.
This is the behavior of someone who has done something absolutely depraved and is either looking for personal redemption, bc look, I did a good thing, or was on the edge of doing it again.
No one “needs it proven to them that there’s still trust in the world and people can trust me” if they are a trustworthy guy. Only men who have already betrayed the trust of others want that. What a fucking weird and revealing thing to say.
Also, he brought up rape while you were trapped in his car.
I’m not going to beat you up, you are doing that. But I am going to be thinking about you and hoping for continued peace and safety. I’m concerned about walking patterns you might have.
Don’t beat yourself up. Social pressure is a powerful force. Thank your lucky stars you’re okay and take this as a lesson learned.
Sometimes, under stress, we do stupid things that make no sense whatsoever. I wouldn’t be looking for more explanations for it other than “Stressful thing happened, you acted quicker than you’d have liked.”
For some part, that’s how we learn.
But yeah… do report that to the police while the memory is still fresh. You might forget important details later.
I’m so sorry this happened. That sounds absolutely horrifying and I’m glad you made it out safely.
This brought up a memory of a similar experience I had in my 20s. I worked at a restaurant and one of the guys there was very flirtatious, but in a pushy aggressive kind of way. I was young and insecure and found him kind of cute. He was nice enough at work, but he messaged me on social media and when I rejected his pushy advances he became cold and mean.
I ran into him a few months later at a bar, and get my friends had left and I was getting ready to leave too. He begged me to have one more drink with him, and for some reason I agreed. He was being overly sweet, and kept trying to get me to drink more. Thankfully I didn’t. But I eventually told him I really had to get home, and he offered to give me a ride rather than call a cab. I was trying to save money, and his demeanor that night was much nicer than last time, so I reluctantly agreed. His demeanor immediately changed and he became cold. He passed my exit and said “Oh, I’m not taking you home”. I panicked. I essentially begged him to let me go home, my parents were expecting me, I had a lot to to, etc. Eventually he relented, only because I was “being so annoying”. He was cold and distant and thank god, dropped me off at my house. I went inside and immediately broke down crying. I was living with my parents, and I really wish I had confided in them but I kept this to myself and tried to forget it. Any time I ran into that guy in town my stomach would drop.
It’s not just you. Like other commenters have said, we are conditioned to say yes, to be pleasant and pliable. It can be so hard to say no.
maybe it was the guilt tripping, him positioning himself as “losing faith in humanity”.
Its not this exact situation, but I’ve found myself doing things I wasn’t comfortable with because some stranger told me they dont believe people are good anymore.
I hate seeing people give up hope in that way and it does move me to be a better example.
I also think you could have convinced yourself that the guy couldn’t have been interested in you sexually because you’ve successfully avoided the male gaze for a while with countermeasures. Staying invisible can make you complacent.
If either of these things resonate, I recommend reminding yourself that
A) You’re not responsible for anyone’s fatih in people and the world other than your own. If something you do can change their perspective, that’s cool but it’s a byproduct of you living your life, not a deliberate activity you engage in specifically to make them feel differently.
B) Predatory people look for people to victimize, doesn’t matter what you wear or how much you try to keep to yourself. Maybe if you see a situation like that forming again you can fake a phone call or actually call someone and have them stay on the phone with you until you get around more people or your destination.
If I’m ever out alone and a guy is making multiple attempts to get my attention I assume ill intent. If I’m clearly trying not to engage with you and you’re pushing for my attention when nobody’s around that’s a red flag.
If you want to find something (trust) look for it where you built it.
I did one of the “women’s safety” courses in high school, and more than any physical tactic I took from it was practicing using my voice. It’s really hard to say (better yell) “leave me alone. You’re making me uncomfortable”. “I don’t care if you say you’re just being friendly. You’re making me uncomfortable. Go away.” Just a couple days in high school role playing those interactions has helped me so much in the few scary encounters I’ve had over the years.
You freezing up is totally normal. I’d highly recommend finding such a class that focuses on situational awareness and how to extricate yourself from situations, not just how to manage physical altercations.
You shouldn’t have gotten in the car, but don’t feel ashamed. We’re all human.
In a perfect world it would be totally safe for you to get in the car, but we don’t live in a perfect world.
It was a mistake, learn from it, do better next time, but don’t feel ashamed. Beating yourself up over it doesn’t help you, and isn’t necessary.
They only thing u can do is learn from ur mistakes and never do it again. And count urself lucky he wasn’t a serial killer. I made similar, like when I was driving my old car to my first day of training for a new job, at lunch we were allowed to get some food from the restaurant down the street so I hopped in my car and an old man came to my window and asked if I knew how to get to the restaurant and I said yeah and he said great u can show me. I thought he’d get in his car and follow me there, I thought he didnt have GPS but he jumped into my passenger side and I was stunned. I shouldve screamed or told him get out of my car but I didn’t, just drove to the restaurant hoping he wasn’t a murderer. Luckily nothing happened, and I was left wondering why I didn’t yell. I guess I always too afraid he’d get upset and make a big scene and I’d miss lunch time. Idk. But I never let it happen again
My heart was racing just reading that.
You’re the lucky one who got away.
That was painful to read, but kudos for posting it anyway because I suspect it will help people.
You panicked. Please give yourself some grace. Next time take a deep breath and say no thanks again. It’s helpful to have a few canned responses that include that you have something you need to do “Sorry I’m busy!”, somewhere to be “I’m late for work!”, or someone waiting for you “My mom is waiting for me!” If someone is pushy with you, say “no sorry” and repeat your original response. Do not feel like you need to explain yourself and do not give additional details. If they “want to help you get there” say “it’s not far” and if needed if they won’t leave you alone tell them you’re calling police. Practice your canned replies so if you have to use them you’ll be ready. Remember it’s ok to lie and it’s ok to be rude. Your safety should be your first priority, especially when someone is asking you to ignore it in favor of theirs. I’m sorry that happened to you and glad you are ok! 💕
Women, even masc presenting women, are socially conditioned to be nice, act like a lady, smile, dont be a bitch. I think that social conditioning pushed you to get in the car. This guy sounds unstable af. You’re lucky you made it out.
The reason you got into the car was most likely to avoid conflict.
You knew it wasn’t smart. You felt uncomfortable about it.
You just didn’t know how to say no “in the moment” to mostly avoid personal conflict with someone who was persistent and pressured you.
You know now. You experienced this situation. You got lucky.
Appreciate your luck. Try to self reflect on this, and next time, whatever the situation is, you’re going to be so much better at saying:
“No, thank you!”
“No.”
“I said, no.”
“No, or I’ll call the cops right now, I have gps all over me. My mom, husband, boyfriend, girlfriend, and cat all know where I’m at. Go fuck yourself, I said no”
Tell yourself, it is ok to not make people happy. Over and over
You didn’t have a thought process. You were scared and you panicked. I’m very glad you made it home safely.
We live in a culture that makes female people responsible for men’s feelings. You, like the rest of us, internalized that message. He knew that, and used it to manipulate you. You can’t be blamed for that. I think you learned something from the experience, and that’s huge. Move on and resolve to never submit again.
Also, as others said, call the police and report the creep. That may have been a trial run for him.
I did this once, as a teenager. I lived in a small town and thought, well maybe people are just paranoid.
I accepted the ride, did not wear my seat belt in case I needed to bail, everything was fine right up until the end. When I asked to be let out, he pulled over, aaand asked for a kiss. I was like gross and damn, everybody was right, you can’t accept rides. I immediately got out. Never again, I got sooooo lucky that one time.
That’s a creepy motherfucker. I’d be calling the cops and describing him and his vehicle ASAP just to give them a warning. They won’t do anything about it, but it’s better than nothing.
Dude something like this happened to me! I was in college. An adult but only just. I was walking to my boyfriend’s apartment near campus when some guy pulls up blocking my way and gives me this weird desperate story about being diabetic and having low blood sugar and needing help now. He asked me to get in and I was in such shock I did, even though I knew it was a bad idea. He had me go get him money from the atm for gas or something?? Then used my phone to call a random number, then eventually dropped me off. He didn’t say anything that made me feel like he was going to hurt me, but it was all fucked. The random number had never answered and he had a fake conversation with them.
That random number ended up calling me back. It was a family member. They explained he keeps doing this and won’t stop, and they’re actually trying to build a case against him. I think that person was sincere, but it never went anywhere.
I think when we are at that age – early twenties, just old enough we’ve been released into the world, don’t know how to tell people to go fuck themselves because we could hardly use the bathroom in school without raising our hands and begging an adult – it’s really hard to turn down those people who prey on kindness and inexperience.
I felt like a total idiot and like I could have been killed. But you know what? I’ll never let that happen again. Someone tries that shit on me they’re getting an earful. And I bet you won’t let that happen again, either. Some things we learn the hard way. You aren’t the only one. You didn’t do anything wrong, the guy who was out there doing things like that is mentally ill or just has no morals, but either way, he’s the one who did something wrong. The important thing is you’re okay now and you learned. And I’m sorry you did experience that, it’s terrible.
I’m glad you’re fine, but be careful with making up cosmic rules. You can’t “dress masculine”. That’s not a shield. The only protections we have in the world are personal responsibility. If a man was dressed exactly like you and walking down the street alone, his clothes wouldn’t keep him getting mugged or jumped. I’m just glad you’re ok.
Shame in this situation is not on you. None of us think we’d fall for something like this. But it happens. Please report this, in the case that he may be testing things out, or maybe he’s done something before already. Be grateful to be safe and learn and share like you did here. I’m so glad you’re okay and here warning us. It’s easier to be swayed than we want to believe. And as women, we are guided to be people fkn pleasers from damn near birth, so it’s no wonder to me.
Yes, it wasn’t the best move. However, you are safe from him now, and you know you won’t ever do that again.
And if that same person stops you in the street again, you pull out your phone and start recording, and call the police at the same time.
Fuck politeness, SSDGM.
You lived to learn a very important lesson, good for you 🖖
You might find it illuminating to read The Gift of Fear, which is a famous book about such things as our reactions to situations such as the one you described above.
People make mistakes. I made a mistake of trusting someone who I should not have when I was younger, and it was a bad situation.
Yet after a few years, I saw that it’s a teaching moment for me that taught me to listen to my gut.
You had a very scary situation. Yet now you know what to do and how to listen to yourself.
You have our permission to be assertive and keep yourself safe.
I advise that you call ‘ your father ‘ the next time that this happens, even if you’re really not calling your father. Describing the car and the person following you can put of the creepy man.
Yet it’s easy for me to advise you while I’m sitting in my safe house. It’s much harder walking alone and the strange man is in front of you.
What you did is understandable: and you managed to get yourself out of the car.
Practice telling someone to fuck off in the mirror, more and more aggressively. Ask a male to help you role play.
After a bit of polite refusal, you are allowed to escalate. I think a big reason why you got in the car is because your polite excuses weren’t working and you didn’t know how to escalate.
Words are weapons. Get the eff away from me, or I’m calling the police right now. Start waving down other cars, anything to bring attention to the situation because they will likely take off when pressured enough. Scream shout swear. Bark. Seriously, I’ve barked at men who won’t back off and it works like chef’s kiss.
You aren’t stupid.
That man was hostile.
He was driving around looking for someone to lure into his car. He was pulling every tactic he could think of. He was determined, persistent, and purposefully ignored social conventions. He was literally hunting for prey; he was treating the world like a war zone, and you were treating the world like a society.
Everything you did does work 95% of the time. Normally, it doesn’t even get to the point where assholes slow down their car, because they also believe in society. They keep that shit in their heads as a passing thought, just like how we’ve all had the thought: “Oh no! What if I kicked that puppy!?”. Of course you won’t kick the puppy.
Fuck that man. He is wrong. He is at fault. It’s his toxic “the world owes me prey” attitude that’s fucked up.
We are all human and have, like, evolutionarily-programmed exploits and vulnerabilities in our social hardware. Smart people end up in cults all the damn time. Careful women end up abducted all the damn time.
Talk to a therapist about it if you can. Shit’s traumatic, no matter how normalized it is in our culture.
I’m sorry you had to deal with that fuckwad.
You are not stupid.
❤️
Dude this is terrifying
This is called the fawn response and it’s not your fault please be gentle with yourself. You are not stupid. Your body went into fight or flight mode and what ppl don’t know is that there’s also a freeze and a fawn response. Patriarchy conditions us to fawn. Please give yourself grace. You need to focus on finding safety within urself first and the first step to that is to remove the blanket of self blame and shame by understanding where that comes from. This man posed a threat and he wouldn’t leave you alone which can make u feel like it’s inescapable. I imagine the minute u got close and he opened the door your body knew u were in danger and felt it was already inescapable and started trying to placate. That doesn’t make u stupid. Sending you so much love and I hope u have some supportive friends who will give u the grace and understanding that u deserve. It might be worthwhile (if it’s feasible for u I know therapy is inaccessible for many) to talk to a therapist abt this bc it can be really helpful for taking that blame off urself and giving urself grace. I’ve been in similar situations before and I know how heavy that self criticism can be. ❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹❤️🩹
OP, I think he caught you while you were distracted and played some psychological tactics in your.. using words like, TRUST, DAUGHTERS, I WILL SHOW YOU MY ID. No matter now hardened you appear, these words just mentally make us feel safe.
When you are on headphones, and someone interrupts, mentally you just want to pop an earphone out just to hear and give a quick response. Your brain is not fully committed to that conversation since it wants to get back to listening. Now if someone just keeps interrupting your brain will be like, he’ll let me just get this over with so I can get back to my music.. and that’s when you make impulsive or un-thoughtful decisions.. like getting in a strangers car.
Do one thing at a time.. don’t be distracted.
Here’s The Gift of Fear since someone mentioned it.
I’m glad you’re ok—albeit shaken, I imagine. Please be kind to yourself 🫶
I had a guy do something like that to me when I was a teenager. I was out walking my dog, he pulled up to me, TWO TIMES, asking if I needed a ride, which I politely declined. The third time he circled back and he asked if he could go buy me alcohol.
Dude was driving a hatchback, but it was that third time that I realized he didn’t have a passenger seat.
As soon as he drove off, I picked up my dog and ran home. I made sure to hide on the way back, so he wouldn’t follow me back to my house.
I’m pretty sure he had nefarious intentions, same as your guy. You really should report him to the police. At least so they have a record of him.
The impulse not to be “rude” and keep refusing is SO STRONGLY BUILT IN to women’s socializing. Its insidious. Please don’t feel guilty that you found a weak spot in your assertiveness and self-protection.
I am so so grateful you got out of it fairly unscathed. But feeling unsettled makes perfect sense, especially with the creepy shit he said.
I can’t think of exact examples but I KNOW I’ve agreed to things I didn’t want to because it seemed “polite,” because my feelings of unease didn’t seem as important as what the other person wanted. It’s taken me years to unpack all that and be more assertive and even still it’ll surprise me showing back and up here and there.
This was practice for him. You should definitely report him to the police so they at least have something like his general appearance and car color to go on when he acts.
Also, humans actually act on autopilot fairly often. It’s actually scary how often. You have nothing to be ashamed about. The door opened and your body acted on autopilot. Once you realized what had happened it was too late.
You are not at fault. ❤️
I have CPTSD and grew up with more than my share of doing things for people, just because they are mad or pushy. I live with shame every day. Thought this might help you since I just found this.
Strategies in times of flashbacks
Oh hun I’m glad you are ok. Take a couple of days, then really think about the scenario and what you could’ve done differently and how you can apply those things in the future.
You are not alone. I was at a Broadway show when I was 12yo as part of our school drama class. Heading home everyone else lived way downtown, NYC. I lived midtown, so they all got on the train with the teacher and left me to walk home. It sounds stupid because I wasn’t far from home and you’d think I’d know how to walk there but I didn’t. The streets around Broadway were confusing and I was a little lost and scared. A guy drove up and asked if I needed a ride. This is around 10:30pm at night. Because I wasn’t sure which way to go, even though I knew it was a bad idea, I got in the car.
He drove and slowed down when I said we were getting close to my street but in those moments I knew there was a good chance I was in serious trouble. I pretended I saw my mother looking out the window from half a block away and I waved, and I think he thought she saw us and stopped the car and let me out. I don’t know if he hesitated because of that. To this day I’m horrified I did something so stupid. We kids used to joke about the creepy pedos offering candy and were pretty street smart for our ages. I was less than a mile from home and would’ve found my way eventually. I wonder how many girls do something like this and are lucky. We are lucky to be the lucky ones.
One thing that can influence our intention to cooperate with another person, subconsciously, is answering yes to any question. So if he asked you something like: are you walking home, or even just : can I ask you a question? Saying yes drops your subconscious barriers even if you still feel like it is a sketchy situation.
Rather than answering yes to anything and dropping that subconscious determination to keep someone at a distance, answer no, or why, or I am busy, or I don’t have time for this. Anything to keep yes out of your mouth and keeping your subconscious bitch face UP.
Do you want me to take your picture and send it to my sister before we chat or do you want drive on, and leave this stranger alone?
Our instincts to be quiet and not make a fuss are strong, and once he is stopping and following you there is no way to say if resistance or compliance is safer. You don’t know what he would have done if he got mad and felt like lashing out, and we do know it’s not always safe to find out what someone will do if thwarted.