TW: abuse, family trauma, mental health struggles
I’m (26m), but I want to tell a story from when I was 14 something that still messes with me.
My dad was really controlling. He didn’t drink or gamble, but he had to be the boss of everything. Even before I was born, when my mom was pregnant with me and my little sister (we’re only like a year and a half apart), he already acted like he didn’t want us. He never really showed real love. It always felt fake, like he was just pretending.
My mom was awesome though. She worked hard, loved me a lot, and was always there. I love her more than anything. But even with her support, home was tough.
She wanted to leave my dad way earlier, but people told her if she did, we’d be worse off money-wise — and we weren’t rich at all. Also, she couldn’t fight him physically, and she was scared. When things got bad, she’d take me and my sister to stay at relatives’ houses just to keep us safe.
We even stayed in shelters two times. I don’t remember the first time well, but my mom said it was about three months. The second time was when I was 12, and that’s when my mom finally divorced my dad. That was a big change, at least on paper.
Dad couldn’t stand anyone being smarter or doing better than him. I was pretty smart, so that didn’t help.
He controlled everything I ate. So I started sneaking food late at night when everyone was asleep. That was my way to feel better. Over time, I got really overweight because of it.
My sister and I had a rough relationship because of all this. Dad “protected” her more in some weird way, but if she did something wrong, I got punished. He told me I had to watch over her and be a good example. That made me super angry. For years, I blamed her a lot, even though I know now she was just a kid trying to survive too.
When she acted like dad sometimes laughing at me or messing around I’d get really mad. Sometimes I even got physical with her, which I hated. After that, I felt awful and scared I was turning into my dad.
Looking back, I get it more. But the guilt and anger still stay with me.
I was super outgoing as a kid, or so my mom says. But I shut down over time. I got bullied at school for being fat and quiet. I learned that showing feelings only made things worse. Now, I can’t even talk seriously with my mom without freezing up or crying. And my brain tells me crying means I’m weak. I hate that.
I’m full of anger inside. I feel like I could explode anytime. At school, I learned the weak get hurt. At home, telling the truth got me hit. So I learned to lie to survive. Dad even said, “If you don’t lie, you get hit.” Once I told the truth and still got hit. That’s when I started lying all the time. Now it’s just a habit.
I’m seeing a therapist, but I haven’t told her this stuff. Every time I try, I break down and feel weak.
Honestly, my mental health is getting worse. I’ve thought about suicide, but my faith and fear stop me. Fear of hurting my mom and just fear in general.
I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe I just needed to get it out. I’m not looking for pity or advice, just someone to hear me.
Thanks if you read all this.
Edit:
After remembering all of this I cried alone at my bed and I can’t sleep yet, my therapist is on vacation and I’ll only be able to see her in September, but I don’t know if I am strong enough to not break down and cry in front of her.
Comments
I’m truly sorry for what you’ve been through. Remember, it’s okay to be vulnerable and cry. Those tears represent strength, not weakness. You’re a survivor. Keep going!
I grew up with an abusive birthgiver, and I obviously won’t go into detail, but the anger can be healed.
It took me a long time, and it took real love from people that genuinely wanted me and cared for me. They supported me to the skin of thwir teeth while i struggled to cope and overcome my trauma. There were many one sided arguments and screaming matches with my husband that he had to just endure while I came back to reality and myself.
It took five years almost exactly, and a bout of homelessness, to truly see what mattered in life. And it really is just love, so i put all of my anger and all of my pain into loving absolutely everyone i could with all of my soul. I did that until it finally started really changing me, and i started seeing the small and enormous beauty of life, and i started to see that love even outside of myself and those around me is such a powerful force and energy.
I also started A.C.T. Therapy, its mostly for those with OCD, but growing up with rage like ours is just as bad of an obsessive compulsive behavior as any, especially when we’re finally out of that environment. I unfollowed my entire family so i couldn’t see her face anymore, and to protect my peace while i healed. And A.C.T. forces us to ask ourselves questions in the throws of our “fits”. It forces us to actually stop spiraling and readjust our mindset for a healthier coping time.
We will be this way forever, this soft pain and gnawing will always be here. You will have moments of anger relapse and think you didn’t make it anywhere, but you have and you will and you can. Nostalgia for someone that should have been, the pain for a parental figure that wasn’t like they were supposed to be, that voice of guilt that somehow it was all our fault.
You’re so incredibly strong to even be here to admit this to yourself and out loud. No denial, now all you can do is break down the pain, break down for real, break yourself down to the most vulnerable nerve ending you can find, and build yourself up anew. You’ve got this love ~
You are heard. You are strong. You are a survivor. Please show your therapist what you have written here. Let out your tears. Very best wishes for your healing and future.
OP, have you heard of EMDR and IFS? You need to be in trauma specific therapy, not just any old talk therapy. I was abused by my dad growing up and my healing journey didn’t even start until three years ago when I finally found a quality trauma therapist trained in EMDR and IFS. Please look them up.
You don’t have to tell your therapist all of this, you can simply show them your post and let them read it. That may help you communicate without shutting down. Also, crying is a sign of strength; not weakness. Crying means you’re processing your own emotions instead of burying them deep inside yourself. It sounds like you need to cry. Let yourself let it out without self judgement.
My only rule with my therapist is that I don’t lie to them, you would be best to adopt that rule for yourself as well, especially if you have a history of needing to lie to survive. Often times the first time I’m being honest with myself is in therapy. So don’t try lying to yourself either. Be as open and honest as you can be. It’s a safe space for any emotions that may come up, intense or not. It’s especially okay to cry in therapy. I cry in nearly every session. One session, I scream cried hysterically the whole time. My therapist was there for it. The right therapist will be there for it for you too.
Don’t give up hope. Healing from trauma is absolutely possible. Take it from someone a little further along on the healing journey. I’m here if you want to talk further.
Be honest with your therapist or your money will be wasted, learn healthy relationship skills, and remain full NC with your dad. You can have a full, fun, happy life despite your rocky start, and best wishes doing so.
ps if you are not being honest with your therapist because you don’t trust them, you need to find a new one. Therapists that click with you are VERY hard to find and it might take a few to find the gem who will work. Make sure you find one.