I was in a double crewed RRV (rapid response vehicle) back in July, it was 1:40AM and it was raining, and we got a category 1 call of an infant baby that had stopped breathing, we got there so fast, did upwards of 70-80mph in a 30mph road, and during the attempts of resuscitation the mother and father screaming was deafening, we were being treated with grief, which was understandable, I’m only young, first few months on the job, and we did the best we could, and eventually got the baby back. We believe it could of been a case of SIDS.
For some reason I can’t get this out of my head and it’s haunting me, and the screams are terrifying. My grandad died shortly after that night, and I accepted the fact my Dad is gone, and my partner then decided to fight me and we broke up, I was supposed to marry her. and still on-going now with her back and fourth, but finally cut it.
I just don’t know what to do, I feel so lost, and stuck, left frozen in the snow, I’m in my early 20’s, and I’ve already quit my career I’ve always wanted to do. Nobody knows about this, not even my mother.
I can’t stop thinking about it.
I can’t unsee it. I’ve been through so much trauma in July…and the clock just ticked past midnight into August 1st. I went to Japan, and I also lost my passport in Heathrow when I got home. Nothing is going to plan right now.
Can I get some advice? Therapy isn’t working. I’ve begun heavily consuming too, I never drink alcohol, and now I do.
Comments
Sometimes we are just not cut out for the realities of Emergency Services.
Did your supervisor ask how you was feeling after this call?
You definitely need to find someone to talk to, either someone from work or a mental health professional.
Please try to stop drinking, addiction is so easy to happen. Try your best to avoid it. Thinks will get better stay positive. Have you heard of the serenity prayer, it has helped me a lot with my struggles. You got your whole life ahead of you. Some one will always have it worse then you someone will always have it better than you. But it’s your life to think about.
I’m sorry for all you’ve been through 💜
My advice:
stop the drinking before it’s too late, you don’t want to numb your feelings (okay maybe you do want to right now, but this obviously isn’t a helpful solution for the long term)
Don’t worry about your career, you’re so young, you can figure something else out! You can also go back one day should you decide. This is not important compared to your overall wellbeing and health. You have time!
Give this therapist time, way more than a month. If that fails, try a different therapist
Feel your feelings. It hasn’t been long since the bad things started. You’re still in the middle of it! Time will help, feeling your feelings will help, therapy will help. Don’t suppress things.
It will get better if you treat yourself with kindness and grace, not if you bottle everything up and self medicate
You’ll get through it, good luck 💜💜
Yes please stop the drinking! That’s the first step. You are so young to have a drinking problem already! Talk to a clergy member a therapist, counselor, your mother, someone an aunt, uncle, old teacher, or coach? 🙏💜
I think that once you’ve been that close to suffering you either become detached, or start being hyper sensitive to it. I recently injured my back and live in constant pain now, every time I see someone struggle I get so depressed, and realize that it’s happening every and there’s nothing I can do about it, before this I never cared that much about anyone or anything.