I had a misscarriage and I lied to everyone and said I was fine with it

Tw for rape and eating disorders.

When I was 14 I became friends with a boy in the year above me at school. We used to go round each others houses alot and play video games, drink, watch films etc. While we were drunk once he said he had a crush on me, and proceeded to rape me.

Somehow, i don’t think he knew what he did was as wrong as it was. He was confused when I was crying after and asked him to leave. I was 14 and no where near ready to have sex, he was 16, I told him no multiple times, loud and clear, and tired to push him off but it didn’t work. He kept trying to come around my house again, and get me to go to his. He threatened to tell everyone we had sex if I didnt. My only saving grace was that this happed in the week before the lockdown for Covid. Obviously no one could go anywhere really, especially not to other people’s houses.

At this point I had been on and off struggling with restrictive eating for about 2 years, but lockdown and what happed just before made my restrictions a lot worse, it wasn’t uncommon for me to miss periods. I had only regained them about 4 months prior to lockdown after not having one for about 6 months. Anyway, after this happened my periods stopped, but it wasn’t unusual or unexpected as I knew what I was doing to myself could cause this.

About 2 months into lockdown I had some of the worst stomach cramps I had ever had. I began spotting that morning so I thought it was my period coming back. I decided to jump into the shower to see if the heat would help, and it did for a short while, but the cramps persisted. After about 30 mins I passed what I thought was a massive period clot while in the shower. Looking down I realised that it was a foetus.

I still remember it so clearly, 5 years later. I just stood in absolute shock for about 10 minutes, staring right at it. I had no idea what to do, it was far too big to go down the drain. I feel awful about this but after a while when the shock had worn off I just panicked, picked it up and flushed it down the toilet. It was a split moment act.

Stupidly I didn’t tell anyone what had happened to me until 2 and a half years later, and I only told my two close friends at first. They were so incredibly supportive and I’m so thankful for them. When speaking about the fact I got pregnant, I told them I was okay with the fact I miscarried. I would have gotten an abortion anyways, I was 14, it wouldn’t be fair to the kid at all, plus the way they were conceived is horrible, I’d hate for them to grow up and feel any sort of negative way about something they can’t control. But I sometimes have my doubts.

I tell people when it’s relevant, partners that ask I’m pretty open with, friends if the discussion comes up etc. I always tell them don’t feel bad about the miscarriage but, because the baby would be gone either way. It wasn’t meant to be, and my body knew before I got to decide for it. I always throw in a few silly jokes here and there. But the truth is I miss what could have been, which is dumb, how can I miss something I never knew?

I was 14, that’s an incredibly young age to have a child. I was, and still am, very immature and NOT ready to be a parent. Emotionally, financially, physically, psychologically, all of it. And I would have aborted due to it. It would have been the right decision, I had always said I never wanted biological babies, but would instead like to adopt.

But fuck, I wish I had the choice sometimes. I joke about it with close friends, but i feel so fucking guilty. That was a baby, MY BABY. I don’t cry about it often, I don’t even really think about it all that often either, but I do wonder how different my life would be if I didn’t have a miscarriage.

I didn’t even hold my baby. I split second flushed it. I was young and scared so I don’t beat myself up too hard for it, but I do feel alot of guilt. I wasn’t a mother, I didn’t have to be a mother, but I feel guilty for the lack of compassion I had for something I was the mother of.