My boyfriend (16m) and I (15f) have been sexually active for around a year. We’ve been friends since childhood, and we’ve been dating for two years.
I was sexually abused for a significant portion of my childhood, so it’s been hard for me to trust someone intimately. He knows about the abuse, but we don’t talk about it a lot. It’s really hard for me to verbalize. I’m in therapy twice a week, and I’m making a lot of progress, even if I always wish I was doing better.
He’s never pressured me into doing anything, and he always explicitly asks for consent before we do anything. We didn’t penetrate for a long time because I wasn’t ready for it. We’ve been having actual sex for about six months now.
I’ve had PTSD (diagnosed) episodes in front of him before, but never during sex. I had one while we were having sex yesterday. It was triggered by something that he said.
He was on top, and he was getting really into it. He called me his baby, not in an age related way, just in a two teenagers who love each other way. My abuser used to call me his baby because I was a little girl, and he l liked that about me. My boyfriend didn’t know, but that phrase has been really hard for me. I don’t understand why anyone would seek out a child.
When he called me that, I started crying. He stopped as soon as he realized what was happening, and he asked me what was wrong. I couldn’t really say anything, but he realized that and just cried with me and held me.
I know that he isn’t actually mad, and that my past isn’t my fault, but I feel like he is angry at me. He’s the sweetest boy I’ve ever met, and he deserves better than me. I’m a mess, and he becomes a mess watching me struggle. It’s embarrassing for me that I can’t even have sex when I want to because my childhood trauma is keeping me from it. My boyfriend feels it too, but he won’t tell me. His friends talk about the girls they’re dating and what the sex is like, and all he can say is that we usually have fun and feel good, but sometimes I have a breakdown in the middle of it. I don’t know how to move forward from this.
Comments
Your boyfriend isn’t angry at you. He’s confused.
You had an understandable reaction, to a previously traumatic experience. If your boyfriend knows about the past, simply explaining that that word is specifically triggering and will clear up the confusion (and he won’t say it again). Also, your boyfriend isn’t airing your personal secrets to his friends. There’s things guys talk about, and there’s things they do not talk about. You don’t need to worry about him discussing this with friends. He most certainly isn’t. It’s too personal, between the two of you.
The most important thing to take away from this is: It isn’t your fault. Your boyfriend isn’t mad.
I hope you can move past this, but open communication with him might be the best way to clear the air. If and when you’re ready to talk about it, of course.
First of all, props to your bf for being so supportive at 16 without knowing the specific details.
I doubt he’s actually telling your friends about your sex life; that’s not normal, especially if he’s a decent guy. If you’re comfortable, I would recommend telling him more about your past trauma so he can be a better partner and less confused overall. Especially given your past, this relationship is definitely healthy enough to continue.
Anyways, hoping for the best!
Communicate to him.
Simple.
OP.. I’m on the flip side of the equation. To my wife, who suffers from trauma, I am in your boyfriend’s role. It sounds like he is a good guy and really cares about your well being. He isn’t mad at you. He is mad at the trauma and at the person who caused it. He is mad that he can’t take it away from you. And as stupid as it sounds he is mad at himself because he wasn’t there to protect you from it happening to begin with. If you ever can find a way bring him to a therapy session when you are old enough to make that choice. It will help him understand that he isn’t helpless to help you. No he can’t go back in time to prevent it and no he can’t take it away, but he can develop the tools to be a supportive partner and to know how to comfort you when it is needed.
omg.. I started crying while reading this because you remind me of me.
As a 17 year old girl who’s also been sexually assaulted when I was little by someone WAY older.. all I can say is you’re so incredibly strong.
Your boyfriend is not mad at you, I promise. I’m in the same place as you and I get the feeling of thinking that I’m bringing of everyone I care about down with me when I express my past. Especially my own boyfriend, I always feel guilty after talking to him about stuff like this.
All I have to say is you are not alone. I promise girl.. things really do get better. While you can’t change what happened or magically forget, and it’ll take time to heal, just know there are so many other women who stand with you.
Don’t let the trauma overtake you and keep fighting. ❤️
If you need someone to talk to, DMs are open.