Throwaway because I’m not ready to talk about this with anyone in real life.
A few weeks ago my husband and I were in a small fender bender in a parking lot. The other guy clearly pulled out without looking. Totally his fault. But he got out already pissed off and acting like he wanted a fight.
While I was checking the damage I saw him heading straight for my husband. I have taken a few basic self defense classes and I just knew by the way he moved something was coming. My husband looked frozen. Not panicking or backing away but just completely unsure. I could tell he was scared. And I think the other guy could tell too.
I took off my heels and walked over barefoot. I was in a cocktail dress. I am small. I definitely did not look like a threat. But I had my keys in my hand the way I was taught and I was ready to kick if I had to. I stood slightly turned and did not give up space. Once I stepped in, I noticed a shift. He did not fully back off, but something about his energy changed. Maybe he realized it was now two against one. Maybe because I did not flinch. Maybe because people were starting to gather. Or maybe he just did not want to deal with a woman who looked like she might actually fight back. I do not know. It ended before anything happened.
But it really messed with my head. I did not expect to be the one who had to protect both of us. I did not expec to feel like that would fall on me. And the part that keeps coming back to me is thissss…if he had gotten hit, it would have been me dealing with it anyway! I would have been the one calling for help, trying to defend him, trying to keep us both together. I was already in that role.
And what really hit me after was that I did not expect the responsibility of being the one who handles it when shit goes down. I never saw myself that way. But now I know I would be. And I do not know how to un-know that.
And yeah, I know I probably could not have actually fought the guy off. I am not pretending I am some badass. But I honestly think I would have put up a better fight than my husband in that moment, and I hate even thinking that.
I love my husband. I know he was trying. I do believe he would have fought if he had to. But in that moment I realized I do not actually feel safe with him. And I hate that. I really do. But that is how I feel now and I do not know what to do with it.
I have not told him. I do not want to hurt him. I do not even know how to say it out loud without sounding cruel. But something shifted and I have not been able to shake it.
Has anyone else ever gone through something like this?
ETA: I didnt escalate anything! It really seemed that he was going to hit my husband and my husband was not prepared or didnt see the signs. I looked over after I heard them and just reacted. Maybe I shoudnt have had my keys ready but its a habit from walking alone as a woman for years. I think I did deescalate because I did not yell or threaten and it resolved without violence
Comments
Just a take on this from your description – so because your husband wasn’t being aggressive or preparing for a fight, you feel he was weak and wouldn’t keep you safe? So he wasn’t reacting in a way to escalate the situation with a clearly aggressive party, but also wasn’t backing away? Could it be he was perhaps assessing the best route forward without things getting physical? Could it be he was trying to determine whether the other party had a weapon, or was just being noisy, and if he just stood still and calm the guy would blow and shout, but ultimately do nothing? You interjected, and you feel that your semi-aggressive response resolved the situation – maybe it did, or maybe you risked making it even worse.
Why not speak to him? Why not talk about what happened? Just because he wasn’t shouting or preparing for a fight, didn’t mean he wasn’t aware or in control of what he would do, should the situation change. Maybe he didn’t want to get into anything as you were there as well. Maybe he was petrified, we don’t (and you don’t) know. At this moment in time you’re assuming and projecting.
Sometimes people can be quiet, and fully in control of what they’re doing and planning, sometimes they can be panicking. From your description it sounds like you took an aggressive stance/position with the other party – that’s not the best thing to do in these scenarios nowadays, as you could be bringing a car key to a knife or gun fight – and you could be responsible for escalating the situation. From the self defence training I’ve seen, this isn’t what they encourage or promote.
Instead of building this image/scenario in your head, speak to your partner!!
Well I think you did amazing but I need you to understand something. Your husband did nothing wrong and it’s 100 okay for your husband to fawn and not fight back. Things could’ve escalated from that point and now he has to fight someone. If you aren’t trained to respond his response is quite natural. You were trained otherwise because women are aware we might one day be put in that kind of situation so we need to be prepared. Guys think otherwise
You sound like someone I’d want in my corner!
That’s one of the things that most discourages me. I’m a short totally blind man. Realistically, I’ll be about as vulnerable as a child and definitely wouldn’t be able to defend myself against a person with more than a normal amount of fight to them or if they had a weapon. I’d never see it coming if I got stabbed or shot and I’d probably die in that situation which I don’t think is what my potential partner would want trying to protect them.
Given that, it makes me feel lesser than most men who 100% could handle themselves in pretty much all situations. I’m just being an honest person. Better than pretending to be a tough guy and dying because you think you’re a good fighter and can deal with that kind of situation when you likely can’t. Also, running isn’t easy either because I use my cane to walk and I can’t use it while running.
YOU stepped in, he didn’t ask you to but you did this of your very own volition. It’s so unfair to say you don’t feel safe when you are the one that stepped in, whether he looked frozen or you felt a way.
No one told you to do this and it was you who made the decision to step in. How can you fault him for YOUR actions? Also: it’s always you two against the problem not you two against each other.
I have.
You want to feel like you’re with an equal in a crisis. Finding out you’re not is rough.
We had a very sick pet. He has a chronic illness that was well managed — he was super happy and playful and for 90% of the time didn’t know he was sick, but if he didn’t get his meds on time it was life or death. He took meds 3 times a day. My life revolved around his schedule.
My spouse did a LOT during that time. Slept in the room with him overnight, played with him, helped me administer meds, etc.
What he did not do was know enough to take over if needed. I would quiz him about what meds were due at which time. He never knew the answer. He could help me administer meds but he couldn’t do it himself.
At one of our appointments, our vet turned to my husband and said “You know, if you ever get really sick, you’ll be in the best hands. She will be completely on top of it.”
On the way home I started to panic and I asked him, “Do you understand he said that to you, not me? That I have to live every day with you knowing that if I’m ever seriously ill, that you won’t be able to do for me what I did for a pet? Do you have any idea how scary that is?”
He took it as a reason to feel bad about himself. Which wasn’t the point. I wasn’t trying to beat him up, but to tell him that I have to live with this fear that he doesn’t have to have.
I love him and I will never discount his very significant contributions to that whole scenario, or his very significant contributions to our partnership generally, but knowing that he’s not capable of handling that type of crisis changed my opinion of him permanently. I don’t feel fully safe either.
Repost.
I don’t know what your husband was feeling and thinking in that moment, but he acted the way he should.
Protecting your wife doesn’t mean fighting and beating up anyone that looks threatening, it means preventing you from being harmed and the best way to do that is to avoid any violence actually taking place. Him going up to this man and starting a fight would be pointless, he would only be risking harm to both of you. Your husband is not Batman, he isn’t a hero that can beat up any threat with no harm to himself. In the real world, you don’t know if you’re going to survive any fight you get into and so you should avoid any that you can.
If there were people around you, it’s more likely that this guy backed off because he didn’t want to do violence to a woman in public, not because he was afraid of you fighting back. A grown, aggressive man is not going to intimidated by a woman with a key in her hand. If your husband had tried intimating him like you (sort of) did, it would probably have ended in a fight. Either way, there was no reason for you or your husband to escalate this situation. Guy was pissed that his car was damaged, stay put and let him scream until he calms down, then call the cops.
Maybe suggest you both sign up for self-defense classes together – Krav Maga is a really good option for learning how to defend yourself with maximum result for minimum effort.
People have different reactions to threats – fight, freeze or flee. Your husband seems to be a freezer, but training him for self-defense situations can help him overcome that.
Sometimes the female is just more confident in scenarios like yours. Same thing happened with me and my husband but I didn’t get mad at him. He’s never been in a fight and hates confrontations. That doesn’t make him weak at all, it’s just how he is.
No I’d feel the same way, i HAVE felt the same way and I left every time.
So you immediately tried to escalate the situation. First rule in a crisis situation is to do the opposite of that.
I grew up in a matriarchal family, where women were always in charge and took the reins. Instead of feeling unsafe with your husband, you need to instead look inward at how powerful you are. It is not men who should be women’s protectors. Let’s be for real….they never have been. There are other ways your husband can make you feel safe that have nothing to do with being physical with others. Now you know more about who you are, which is pretty awesome!
Your interpretation of what was happening with your husband may not be correct. For all you know, your husband would have defended himself if he had to. Just because he didn’t start yelling or acting like he wanted to fight does not mean he wasn’t capable of taking care of things. Maybe you jumped the gun a little.
It’s really simple, your husband isn’t a fighter or aggressive and i would take that over an aggressive violent AH anyday.
I know I’d have to be the one to fight if my husband and I were threatened. I know it because I know us.
I know he’s a gentle, peaceful, empathetic man. It’s why I love him. He protects me emotionally. I feel safe with him. If someone was being cruel to us, or spreading rumours or trying to rally people against us, he would be the one doing the work, gently and diplomatically restoring our relationships with people.
But if someone was ready to fuck us up, I’d be the one defending us physically because although I’m non-violent, I have experience defending myself, and I don’t resent it because that’s our dynamic.
Do you feel your husband protects you in other ways? Emotionally, financially, materially, logistically? For example, is he the type to do all the driving and pump the gas? Does he actively listen when you’re stressed and take over or take some of the load? Does he speak up for you if someone insults you, or would he?
Your “few self defense classes” are a recipe to get you hurt. Your first response should ALWAYS be to de-escalate. But that wasn’t yours, your response was to fight and by your own admission you are a small lady.
You’re going to get hurt. Period. Too many women overestimate their abilities especially when it comes to fighting men. Life isn’t the movies and most men are going to be significantly stronger than you and have a much longer reach. That counts for a lot in a fight. I hope you develop some caution.
Please learn to deescalate first, run second, and fight third. I say that as someone who spent a not insignificant amount of their life grappling. That is always my plan.
Your husband did the right thing and you need to learn a lesson. I hope you don’t learn it the hard way.
maybe I am confused and misreading the tone. it sounds like you think of your husband as less than. you chose to intervene. you chose to view the guy as a threat. you chose to be aggressive. you chose to see your husband as defenseless.
I see your story as a badass wife putting on her superhero cape who was ready to go full kung-fu for her man. it is romantic. your gut instincts were to fight. the guy was not coming up on you, so your brain is processing the situation differently from your husband. so, it isn’t like your husband failed to protect you.
I’m not sure what you were expecting from your husband? Just because he is a man does not mean he’s automatically forced and expected to handle every situation like that. What if your husband was scared what if he can’t fight what if he would’ve got punched? Why does that make him weak or seem like a bad husband or someone that can’t protect you?
Did you marry him because you want him to fight people on the streets? Are you mad at him because you had to intervene? I’m sure your husband would have intervened if that man laid a hand on you but your husband was also prolly scared because you never know who he a gun or knife on them anymore. He was prolly thinking what to do, or what that guy would’ve done or how he could protect you in this situation.
It seems like you’re mad that you could’ve gotten hurt but you don’t seem worried or concerned at all about your husband being the one who could’ve got hurt. What if that man stabbed your husband? Wouldn’t still be upset at him and calling him weak, after he took a knife/bullet for you and was that what you expecting from him?
I love my partner deeply and if I ever saw someone threatening him I’d intervene in a heartbeat. I would never let someone even put a finger on him and I’d never want to see him get into a fight over me or hurt himself over me. I don’t need anyone to protect me and I’m a very independent woman. I didn’t marry my partner in hopes he’d handle tough situations. It would be different if you partner ran away and left you hanging in a dangerous uncertain situation, but he was scared and shell shocked.
You’re allowed to be mad but idk if you have enough room to be mad at your husband for him being scared of an overly aggressive guy that could’ve stabbed him or worse. And I also feel you’re only thinking of yourself in this situation and not his safety too. Sorry but I’ll be the one to say it since I can’t say these “harsh” things to my client and well you aren’t my client so I have some Leeway here 🙂
What are you really mad at here? Are you mad that your husband didn’t fit the role and your expectations of him or are you upset over the entire situation happening and how scary and unexpecting it was. I understand the unknown is scary and the “what if” is scary. But the situation is over now, you’re both safe, you’ll most likely never see this man again, and now you and your husband can carry on.
I don’t see too much of a problem here other than a weird binary role that you’re expecting your husband to fill and some unrealistic expectations. Like I said, it would be different if your husband ran away and left you to fend for yourself or if he stayed in the car and refused to get out when the man got closer to you.
Has your husband ever helped you with something important? Saved your bacon in any way? Nice marriage you got there. Pretty easy to shake your foundation. I hope you reflect on that before jumping any further down this rabbit hole.
You sure he wasn’t just going to grab your insurance info and was just salty at his day being ruined? It’s protocol to get insurance info after an accident and it’s impossible to get it withought meeting the other person. Wild to assume he’s just going over to fight in that scenario unless you were hoping to leave withought exchanging insurance details.
Kind of sounds like the problem here is you.
Honestly, even if your husband panicked and you were the one who resolved the situation, so what? Is your husband a good husband in all other aspects or are you expecting him to be a modern man and a caveman at the same time? Because that’s not fair. We women are supposed to be allowed to be strong and still accepted by our men, why can’t our men have moments of weakness and still be accepted by us? Or are you with him because unconsciously you expected him to be your physical protector? Does that mean he should only be with you because you can provide him with offspring? And would you be ok with it if that was the case?
Freezing is a normal part of the fight/flight response. It’s actually fight/flight/fawn/freeze. You apparently go into fight mode, which can be helpful in some situations and extremely detrimental in other situations. What if your actions had escalated the situation?
Nah. The only person that should be reconsidering their relationship is the wife or girlfriend of the guy that was at fault and immediately resorted to aggression. Tbh a woman’s biggest threat is the man they’re with because of domestic violence. Your man isn’t the unhinged one but the calm one. That is a good trait.
Dam girl go get yourself a cold one. You deserve it
I find it concerning that YOUR immediate reaction is to be aggressive. Just because the other driver was angry doesn’t necessarily indicate he’s ready to brawl
Celebrity Death Match style in the street. And because your husband didn’t immediately jump out the car ready to go to war like 1986 Mike Tyson, you all of a sudden “don’t feel safe” with him?
Let’s say your husband did get out the car aggressive and ready for a fight and the other driver had a gun and used it on your husband. This could have been an extremely different experience to live through. But instead, you’re on Reddit lowkey insulting your husband for having enough sense to figure out how to approach the situation like a calm, rational person
So… sometimes this just how it be.
If it makes you truly insecure in your relationship discuss this with him. Try not to attack his masculinity but be like “i want you to protect yourself when im not there” maybe do some self defense classes with him.
Full disclosure i have a giant Labrador of a partner. Usually his size deters people but if people want a fight i fully expect to be the little gremlin that he has to pull off of the other person. I’ve luckily never had to be physical but i will point out when his boundaries are disrespected. He would eat the wrong order instead of complain to a server.
But hes still my rock and my happy place. He calms me down and centers me and has so many other uses that make up for him not being a bulldog.
I hate comparing relationships to animals but… maybe you can enjoy being the chihuahua to the Labrador.
Either this is fake rage bait or just silly
I think you’re being unfair. Your husband is male. That guy who was larger was going to assault him. Would you rather your husband be assaulted, injured, AND risk of being arrested too? You’re a woman, guy wasn’t targeting you. He just wasn’t going to hit a girl which is why nothing happened. But your husband was free game. That’s how most hot heads think. Your husband froze because it was a simple fender bender, not his fault and suddenly this guys coming at him? Like what? And he may have been thinking my wife is here, I need to keep my head here. You weren’t even assaulted. Maybe the guy was just pissed and had no intention of swinging.
It’s not like you were being attacked and your husband ran off.
Thank god my fiancé isn’t like you that’s all I’m gonna say 🙌🏼
Did you actually want your husband to get out and potentially either get seriously hurt or seriously hurt the other guy? Would you be ok if your husband cracked his skull and was in the hospital or if he was in jail because the other guy was?
Would it have been better for your roles to be reversed? Possibly, but were you thinking about the possibility of a VERY different outcome to this if he had?
I don’t know why people are invalidating your feelings here. I think it’s totally understandable you feel this way. I think what would help would be to have a convo with your husband, and maybe take some deescalation/self defense classes together! Deescalation first should always be the goal, but people need to acknowledge that you can’t argue or reason with a crazy person. Sometimes you might have to defend yourself, and it’s good to know how! You weren’t approaching him and immediately swinging and going to attack this guy. You went over and got into a stance, and that was enough to make the dude think twice about escalating. Your actions were the deescalation. Good luck❤️
I am not sure what to tell you but you can’t reply on your husband to do everything for you. When I’m out and about with my man, I know he would try his best but he’s never even been in a fight before, probably doesn’t know how to throw a punch. I on the other hand am the complete opposite and have been trained in fighting since I was about 11 or 12. I feel I’m the one that has to protect him lol. It is what it is. I wouldn’t look at your man any less. He’s not a fighter, he’s not aggressive ….. great!
OP I understand how you feel. When I was married to my ex there was a car accident outside our house. Drunk kid, no seatbelt, thrown clear of car. Still alive but brain matter on pavement. I told ex to call 911 and went to see if there was anything I could do. There was nothing – CPR would not help. I held his shoulder gently and spoke with him until the ambulance arrived. What did my ex do? Literally ran around hysterical screaming that this was so bad – it’s so bad. Continued when the ambulance arrived and got in the way of the paramedics telling them it is so bad. I know some people are not great in a crisis but I lost a lot of respect for him that day.
When my younger daughter was 7, we were visiting a touristy town and she and her older sister (10) were walking behind husband and I. Suddenly, this giant aggressive dog came out of a nowhere, ran straight towards my 7yo while barking aggressively. My husband was closest to her but just stood there looking shocked. I ran towards my 7 yo, put my body between her and the dog, scoop her up, grab my 10 yo’s hand and quickly walked away.
That episode changed how I felt about my husband. It took a few years but I decided to view “take care of us” with a broader lens. This is not the Middle Ages, the most important way a man can take care of his family isn’t by chopping down all the bad guys/animals, but by bringing in the bacon and by sticking with us through the toughest times. And my husband is all that. Besides, maybe moms really do love her children more than dads? Or maybe I do. In any case, I’ve never mentioned this episode to my husband nor my children. The kids are 24 and 21 now and adore their dad, which is just how I want it.
I will always attempt to avoid a fight if I’m with someone I feel I need to protect. I will not risk anything. I have so much more to lose than my own integrity.
I would work through this with a therapist starting with how much you have internalized gender roles and how a man “should” act. And please do so before you have a son and teach him that anger and fighting are the proper way to be a man. Two men brawling after a car accident because both have to be more macho than thou is not a situation I want to be in. Not fighting or escalating takes far more courage and letting the other guy start it is far better legally speaking. And honestly someone being calm is way harder for angry people to deal with than someone else yelling.
But ultimately at the end of the day, you should be partners and protect and support each other. Not him being the daddy protecting his little helpless girl.
“My husband acted human and now I can’t get over it.”
I think you should consider that you’re holding on to stereotypical gender roles that don’t necessarily make that much sense nowadays. I mean, do you expect you’ll need physical protection anytime soon again?
I know this isn’t the discussion, but I for one would much rather have a pacifist for a partner than an aggressive person. And besides, I might be small and week but I have will power, smarts and a powerful voice to scream my lungs out if needed, plus the element of crazy which I think has saved me from many a difficult situation. So I personally wouldn’t be bothered by it.
I don’t expect any dude to save me from anything anyway. Or anyone else for that matter.
This is a carbon copy of a post a month or two ago. What a coincidence that 2 petite women with self defence training have husbands who reacted in exactly the same way in the same situation. Amazing.
You should track her down OP, you might have a lot in common. Parallel lives perhaps.