I hate who I am. I hate the way I speak and the way my personality is never consistent enough. I morph into different versions of myself just to please different people, and for what? I’m a spineless coward.
I’m a freshman in college, studying to get a bachelors in English. I plan on being a technical writer and maybe going for a Masters in Speech Pathology. I love writing, its the only thing that keeps me sane.
And yet, I still feel disgusting in my own skin. I live with my mom but sometimes I know she wishes that it was me who moved out, not my older sister. I feel like a replacement. Whenever I try to joke around or talk, I feel like a fraud. Like I’m not good enough. I feel like everyone around me wants me to go away.
I still haven’t experienced a relationship yet. I’m nearly 20 and I still haven’t experienced love. Or, well, I have but the person didn’t want me back. Hell, I was accused of trying to homewreck her relationship with my friend. I was the one who told them to get together, and yet I faced the harsh reality if them cutting me off. I still haven’t recovered from that heartbreak even though it was a year ago. I just wanted my friends. I just wanted a support group.
Everyday I go on Instagram and I feel so jealous. Why am I never anyone’s first choice? What is so wrong with me? I change and I change, and yet it pleases no one. Why do I keep seeing all of my old friends thrive while I feel so bitter? How do I chose myself?
My body just feels so heavy right now. I hate the way my brain makes me feel.
I just wanted to get that off of my chest. I don’t have friends and even if I did, I wouldn’t be so vulnerable.
Thank you for anyone who read this. I just needed to say something before I drove myself up a wall.