I hate being a women, so deeply.

So as the titled says I hate being a women very deeply. It’s a very strong feeling to the point where I cannot stare at my naked body and seeing my curves, lumps of breast tissue, stretch marks which make me in a way feel scared and even disappointed. Everytime I look at myself I get disappointed I’m not a male and it’s not like I wish to transition to be a male (more like – if in another universe if I’d be a male, I’d be more happier) as it takes lots and lots of pain, patience, surgeries (not necessarily) to get there. I do everything in my mind to hide myself and dress more boy-ish, hiding myself in baggy clothing in hopes of hiding my figure and hiding the realization that I’m a women.
To add some stuff I had a shitty relationship almost 2 years ago and he made me feel very shit about my body, where I had nightmares of heavy topics about rape as he always used to knead me and touch me without my consent and I’ve always wondered if it stems through that, that I hate being a women.
At nights I cry, I hate the pain, I hate the cycles, I hate how soft I look and how weak I am biologically against a man. I have a loving partner now, yet sometimes when we playfight he makes me realize how powerless I am and it kills me entirely, it makes me freeze up and almost scared.
I don’t know what to do, I need advice on how I could change this level of thinking. I realize that it could be related to trauma but I don’t have money for a proper therapist, nor a support system from my parents. I feel genuinely so horrible about myself and this self hatred started forming after my shitty ex and continued to grow. Help, any advice?