I don’t know if anyone else feels this way, but maintaining relationships be it romantic or platonic feels exhausting to me. I’ve always struggled with friendships. Making friends feels like an impossible task, and even when I do manage to have some, I barely enjoy talking to them.
Romantic relationships aren’t any easier. When I was with my ex, I constantly felt like something was off with him. I thought maybe it was just him, but after trying to date and talk to other guys, I realized even casual conversations started to annoy me. Still, I hated the feeling of being alone.
Recently, I started dating someone I genuinely love. He’s kind, caring, and really into me but I’m still not happy. I want to break up, but the thought of losing him terrifies me. It’s like I crave connection, yet the moment I have it, I start to feel trapped or irritated for no real reason. Sometimes I even catch myself being angry at him for literally nothing.
It’s so confusing. I don’t know how to explain this to anyone in my life without sounding cold or broken. I constantly feel torn between needing people and being unable to enjoy their presence. Is there something seriously wrong with me? Am I mentally sick or is this something others go through too?
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You need to love yourself before you can love others. Sounds like you have some issues to work through with yourself. Talking to a professional, be it a therapist or a councillor, helps a lot.
I was in a similar position. I was sabotaging good relationships with great people and once I started talking to someone about it I learned a lot about myself and found answers to issues that I had with myself.
You need that low maintenance relationship, romantic or otherwise, that feels like a boost to you… fellow introvert here and I have found 1 friend like that
I feel like you have an avoidant attachment style. When things starts to get real it terrifies you. You can try reading more about it. It might help
Or Idk, if you are diagnosed with any mental or behavioral disorders but if it’s bothering you and affecting your life (work, relationships, and self) better get therapy
Also, idk if you’re a an introvert or an extrovert or an ambivert. Identifying that can help too.
My bf was like you before I mean he kinda still is but he is doing his best to improve himself because he has seen the effects of THAT mentality to the people he cares about, his work, and most importantly towards himself. It’s not easy because it’s something he gotten used to and there are MULTIPLE FACTORS and REASONS why he is the way he is so having very understanding and supportive family/partner/friend can really help out you know. ❤️🫂✨
It sounds like you have some unhealed trauma, maybe abandonment issues. It’s not healthy to seek out connection like that without being prepared for it, because it hurts people.
Look inward, maybe try therapy or shadow work. You will never ‘get over’ this feeling without some introspection and active healing. It also seems like you’re avoidant; don’t let this problem get away from you. Don’t treat your feelings with disgust, because it’s likely you’re copying parental reinforcement that feeling any close attachment is disgusting. You have to lean into those feelings, not shy away from them.
I wish you the best.
I feel you. There’s nothing really wrong with you. I see others say you need to love yourself first, but sometimes that advice doesnt work. 1st you need to see love given to you before you can share it with others.(platonic love, familial love, not always romantic love) Sometimes we either didnt have good models for love and relationships and sometimes it takes others longer to understand ( if you take me for instance, I am probably autistic and its taken me a long time to understand my emotions, emotionally. I know them logically. I can feel sad and say “I am sad” but I can’t really emotionally digest that sadness very well)
A few years ago I hurt my sister when I told her that I dont miss her when she is not around (which is true, she lives 12 hours away) but the reason behind that is we talk regularly through discord so I never feel like anything is missing.
Now, things did change for me after pregnancy. I blame my hormones being shredded because I am not the same person pre pregnancy. What I mean is I can feel like I miss people, but its a very fleeting feeling. I will think of them, feel that little tug of “Oh I wouldn’t mind seeing them right now” and by the time that thought had processed I send them a “miss you” text to that person. I didn’t realize that momentary discomfort was missing anyone. It is only for a few moments, so trivial that I never focused on it. But after I left my son in daycare for the first time that familiar discomfort took over and I missed my son terribly. Now I know when I miss someone. I thought that discomfort was reserved for the dead. I am glad its only fleeting for the living.
I also really suck at maintaining relationships. I have found that group chats help so Im not responsible for keeping the conversation going. Having been adopted by two extrovert for a moms group has made me stay consistent with one group of people for over a year! (My personal best)
I also have one friend that has been my friend for many years. We talk once or twice every couple of months but live 10 minutes from each other. I pass by his house twice a week. I miss them a lot sometimes but reaching out is overwhelming, even though they are the best and never make me feel bad for not reaching out. (They also suck at reaching out, we just accept that and never take it personal when the conversation drops for several weeks)
I think the only reason my husband and I have had such a great relationship is that we knew we had to move in with each other pretty quick in order to keep our relationship since we both are into our own worlds too much to socialize with each other regularly when we have to do it purposefully.
TL:DR : You are fine. Find a tribe with an extrovert leading a group chat. Socializing is a skill and takes time to master. Most master it in elementary school but some of us were more focused on other cool stuff… or are neurodivergent. Totally good though, you got this!
Are you autistic or other flavour of ND perhaps?
Had to explain my husband that sometimes I have to go and hide and not perform socially as other people expect.
This includes letting him know when I’m content in his presence but need to not talk or interact or perform my mask. Masking is exhausting and makes me irate after a while…. But I also get lonely…. But not being lonely means masking around most people (everyone apart from my husband now)