My (33F) partner (37M) is in the spectrum (high functioning), and he has certain triggers to things. Sometimes when he gets triggered, he will yell at me, or around me in frustration.
Like today, I had to take the dogs out to potty, but i needed to use the restroom so bad. So I took the dogs out to the yard while I did my thing. Well, one of our dogs like to bark at the neighbors, and sometimes when I am in the restroom I don’t hear it completely. My partner told me before that the barking bothers him. However, this morning the dogs were bugging me to go outside so I decided to let them out first. We were all sleeping in (almost noon) and the dogs needed to go, understandably.
My partner woke up to this barking and started yelling at me in frustration because they woke him up. I told him I had to use the restroom and the dogs needed to potty, so I did what I could do (let them out while I do my thing). It was probably about 10 mins before I got them to go back in.
I just feel upset that I am constantly being yelled at when things are frustrating. I get it, he told me he doesn’t like it when the dogs are left out too long and barking in the morning, but it’s already noon. And I took them out early this morning too because he was sleeping in.
I left the house in frustration because I don’t feel like I’m being respected. Before I left, he told me he feels I don’t respect him because I can’t follow simple instructions of “letting the dogs out but not too long that they start barking at everything and waking all the neighbors”.
I don’t know what I want from this post. I just wanted to let it out somewhere. I don’t deserve to be yelled at and every time something frustrating happens, I feel like I lose a little amount of love that I feel. I do love my partner a lot, but every moment like this is like chipping away my feelings slowly. We have been together 7 years and it has happened numerous times, as he does have issues withe regulating his emotions. I just want peace.
Comments
Yeah having autism doesn’t excuse someone from having manners and being a goddamn adult.
Tell him if it bothers him so much he should get up at a reasonable hour to let the dogs out. Little sleepy baby can get off his little sleepy baby ass and contribute to the smooth running of the household, especially since he’s the little sleepy baby making demands and having tantrums.
Ugh dynamic this makes me so mad for you.
Im sorry to hear that you’re frustrated. It sounds like he should get some kind of help with this honestly. Hes hurting you and the relationship you and him are in. You really shouldn’t have to feel like this. And if i may suggest he should take the dogs out to potty instead of having you do it if the dogs barking bothers him so much. I hope things get better for the both of you soon.
Lots of people have autism and don’t verbally abuse their partners. Your partner is using their mental illness as a weapon against you, that’s a major red flag. Leave.
Idgaf what mf spectrum you on that’s not a pass to be abusive.
I hope he genuinely hasn’t convinced you that autistic people are just naturally shitty people who verbally abuse their partners when they don’t get their way. Because they don’t. He has just found himself a lovely excuse to be a bad person to you.
That had nothing to do with autism. He needs to stop fucking yelling. That’s not okay.
He should get up and let the dogs out then. This is not ok.
It’s time for your partner to stop being an early bird and let you get some peace
I have adhd and autism too, that don’t mean I can yell everytime something does not go the way I planned it in my head.
It kinda sounds like he uses this as an excuse, while it’s not.
As someone who yells when they get mad and don’t like that I do. You don’t deserve it. No one does. There’s no excuse and no reason. There is ALWAYS an alternative. Otherwise you guys just aren’t a good fit.
I don’t care what mental health concerns you have, they aren’t an excuse to be abusive.
His feelings are valid, what’s not valid is yelling at you, and implying that you are disrespectful because you didn’t just blindly listen to his rules
If the dogs are barking, he is perfectly capable in getting up to correct them, participate in TRAINING of the dogs.
His issues and concerns are not your fault and he’s treating them like they are
HE’S ABUSIVE
My partner is on the spectrum and has NEVER raised her voice at me. It’s not an excuse. He needs help managing his anger. If I were in your shoes, I’d tell him he’s in charge of letting the dogs out because how I do it is clearly not working, and he needs to seek therapy ASAP for his emotional outbursts. They are inappropriate and possibly abusive. Don’t put up with it, OP.
Hate to say it but that’s the worst excuse ever to continue to abuse someone. “On the spectrum so it’s ok to act that way!” Yea best advice- leave him, it won’t get any better
I’d never tolerate a relationship with a partner who regularly yells at me. Hard no. It’s a blatant form of disrespect.
Does your partner make everything about himself and his needs? Does he consider you and your needs, and your happiness?
I’m wondering if he focuses too much on what makes him uncomfortable at the expense of your well being.
hey i’m autistic and i get triggered by certain sounds to (the fire alarm can ruin my day and a dog barking sounds like nails on a chalkboard to me) but i would never ever yell at my partner over it (my boyfriends fire alarm is extremely sensitive and we’ve both triggered it so often, but even when it was “his fault” i’ve never yelled at him, i just grab my noise canceling headphones or crouch on the ground with my hands over my ears).
he’s either abusive and tries to hide behind autism or he was overly coddled because of his autism and thinks every little thing should cater to him (which is just unrealistic, even in a world where ableism isnt a thing and everyone can benefit from the accommodations they need). i can’t tell from a reddit post, obviously, but both are bad. one can be worked on if you are willing to, the other you should run from expeditiously.
hope this helps!
He’s on the arsehole spectrum love
No matter what mental illness he’s dealing with doesn’t give him the right to be abusive. HIS mental health is on HIM to manage. You do not have to deal with that.
Nothing is waking your neighbors up at 12pm
You deserve to be spoken to with respect in a normal volume voice. How dare your bf treat you that way, and how dare you allow it to continue this long girl. 🩷
My husband is autistic and has trouble regulating his emotions too. He rants about things a lot (more than I do at least.) Do you know how many times he has yelled at me? Once. And he never did it again because it upset me so badly. You DON’T deserve to be yelled at. No one deserves that from their partner.
Hey. I have autism. I’ve been triggered by things, frustrated by things that either happened or even my husband did. Never have I yelled at my husband. About anything. I will tell him, I will explain, I will not yell. Hope this helps.
I’m on the spectrum and I don’t yell at my partner. The diagnosis sounds more like an excuse. If it’s so intrusive, he should be on some sort of meds to calm him down. It’s not OK to let one’s frustration out on their partner. Kind regards from a AuDHD person.
It’s not his autism. He’s verbally abusive and using his autism as an excuse. I’m autistic and don’t yell and verbally abuse people. He’s full of shit and taking no accountability. Stay with him and continually walk on eggshells because you’ll never do things perfectly right for him all the time. You’re looking at a lifetime of anxiety and being yelled at.
I feel like nowadays a lot of people use “being on the spectrum” as an excuse to be abusive asswholes. Your bf is just acting like a spoiled mf. That’s it. You shouldn’t be yelled at by your partner the whole time, that’s not healthy.
Hey, my fiancé is autistic. He’s never once yelled at me. Being on the spectrum is not an excuse for being a dick. He could try noise canceling headphones… or letting the dogs in himself.
You are not responsible for his inability to regulate his emotions.
You wont get peace especially if they are unmedicated or not in therapy. There is only ONE WAAY TO FIND PEACE and you know exactly what it is. You have to be strong enough to at least put forth an ultimatum that will stick
It’s sad that people have co-opted autism as an excuse to abuse people.
you partner is mad that dogs…bark? your partner is mad that dogs bark? your. partner. is. mad. that. dogs. bark? girl take your pets and leave. Also not to be that person but referring to someone you’ve been with for 7 years is crazy. Put a label on it! You cant even call this person your fiancé or even boyfriend! I know its just a preference but the little things matter too and there are big and small red flags all throughout this
As a high functioning autistic person, bro that’s not okay what he’s doing to you. Really loud/distant music played in the house puts me on edge and I hate it even when already awake, but that doesn’t mean I crash my family’s fun and start screaming at them. Sounds like he’s using his diagnosis as a pass to be abusive and that’s BS. No one deserves that and I recommend you put your foot down or leave. I’m so sorry
Edit: if he yells at you but can control his anger at work/in public then you also have a very telling answer
Why didn’t he bring the dogs out?
He does comprehend right that dogs bark? If you can’t take the barking, then don’t have dogs
Yeah no. The lease do not use his diagnosis as an excuse to abuse you.
I have a friend who is also autistic. I know there’s a wide variety of the spectrum and people are different but that doesn’t mean what he is doing is okay. Being frustrated is okay, screaming at you because he is frustrated and degrading you isn’t. My friend and I had a mishap where I did something that frustrated him and he didn’t yell or curse or degrade me in anyway. Rather he took some space and shared his frustrations with me in a calm and respectful way. We were able to work through it and that was that.
Me on the spectrum isn’t a pass to be mean or yell at others. It’s not an autism thing, it’s a I feel entitled to do this because I have an excuse that passes for it.
I’m sorry for what you are going through. I’d encourage you to share with him how you feel and try and discuss how much it hurts you with him. Make sure you focus on the action and try to explain that the action is hurting you deeply. I hope you can work through this in a healthy way OP!
People have autism and it doesn’t mean they get free rein to yell at their partners. I’m sorry he’s made you think this is normal. It’s not. And anyone in your shoes would feel the same way. If he truly cared about you he would make a true effort to not yell and find better ways of communicating. It sounds abusive tbh
Being autistic isn’t a free pass to be an abusive jerk. Why didn’t HIS ass get up and take the dogs out? I get paid at my job by someone who every now and then is an a hole like this. I sure as hell wouldn’t take it from anyone else. I’ve had a few high functioning on the spectrum partners and none of them acted like this — but the barriers of communication always ended up being too much for both of us. I’ve never once though been verbally abused by them.
Time to set a boundary. “When you yell at me, I am going to leave the room.” And follow through.
I’m on the spectrum and don’t yell at my partner. if he doesn’t respect you, leave
Being autistic can offer a reason for getting triggered, but it is not a free pass to be a shitty human being or justify just lashing out at you when his feelings are high.
It just means he’s gonna have to put in more work and seek more support than the average person who doesn’t have those triggers.
Autism offers insight into how you perceive your environment and how you work internally. It is still very much his responsibility to take that information and use it to make whatever changes are needed for him to be better regulated and not take it out on those around him.
Do not let him convince you that being on the spectrum is the reason for his behavior. There are definitely more extreme cases, but this doesn’t sound like that at all. He understands what he’s doing.
I’m autistic and I hate that I yell sometimes, but I will never use it as an excuse for screaming
Leave him if he can’t change
It’s not your duty to tolerate abuse because someone is on the spectrum.
What if I told you there’s not really high or low functioning, there are degrees of masking and people with or without associated learning difficulties.
Meltdowns are almost seizure like, the extent which you’re able to control your reactions and behaviours is diminished.
Sounds very much like EITHER your partner is using his autism as a crux to be an ahole OR his social aspects of the autism star mean he’s not actually able to be in an intimate relationship because he has a social deficit to an extent that he’s not capable of understanding how he is perceived by you or how hurtful he is and why you see and feel differently to how he thinks you should see and feel things.
Source: am autistic AF, high masking, no learning difficulties. Personally in my meltdowns, my husband is much more likely to find me hyperventilating on the floor in a corner somewhere and wailing from pain of insane contortion posturing and unable to speak or use words, but everyone’s are different…. Doesn’t sound like he was in meltdown or shutdown though and just a bit of a reactive AH tbh…
Buuut again, autism is horribly misunderstood so I’m not going to rush to label him as intentionally abusive but at the very least, and if nothing else, if he doesn’t get a grip he shouldn’t be in a relationship and you absolutely should walk away and not be cannon fodder for his reactivity autistic or not.
I’m on the spectrum and have struggled with anger issues/becoming easily agitated when overstimulated or when things aren’t a certain way. I used to snap at partners because I felt safe enough around them not to mask and swallow the behavior. But then one day I realized that if I could swallow the behavior around people I didn’t care about, then why should I unleash it on people that matter most? And so I worked on it, and now I’ve learned to either separate myself or find a healthy outlet for the frustration.
OP, if your partner uses his autism or whatever as an excuse, and does not take accountability for his own actions, then he is a bad partner. Being on the spectrum doesn’t mean somehow being incapable of working on your quirks and issues, nor does it excuse us from bad behavior..,although many people seem to think it does. Your partner doesn’t respect you enough to think you are worth extra effort on his part, and that’s a character flaw that has nothing to do with being on the spectrum. You need to have a frank discussion with him about how his behavior makes you feel. And if he gets defensive or does nothing to fix it, you may need to see yourself out. I’m a firm believer in working things out whenever possible but if only one of you puts in the effort, it’s just not sustainable. Good luck, honey; whatever outcome may be, I hope you’re better off regardless ❤️
I’m also high functioning autistic in a long term relationship with a 10 month old. His behavior is not acceptable even for someone on the spectrum.
Insane levels of overstimulation comes with autism so I can understand being over stimulated by the dogs but the appropriate response is to do one of the following:
Just because you’re autistic doesn’t mean you have to be a fucking child. You’re still an adult that is responsible for handling your own emotions.
“On the spectrum” is not, as others have noted, an excuse to be abusive.
And, yes, this is 100% abuse. I guarantee he’s not flying off the handle at his buddies, parents, co-workers, boss, or random people in public, just you.
He needs to learn that it’s NOT OK to yell at people like that. Does he do that to his friends, family and boss too?
Your partner should never yell at you, period.
Have you ever told him straight up “I need for you not to yell at or around me.”?
If not, set that boundary immediately.
If yes, then I wanted to let you know it’s ok to end the relationship when your partner is unwilling/unable to correct his behaviour that causes you distress. What action is he actively taking to better regulate his emotions when he gets triggered? My guess would be none. Why do I think that? Because he didn’t get up to let the dogs out neither early nor at noon, nor did he get up to mitigate their barking. He screamed at you instead. I have a gut feel if you look at the patterns in your relationship, he uses his autism as justification why he’s not good at or can’t do certain things, or to justify behaving poorly. He may just be an asshole.
Frankly all compassion aside, I think many these days are using this an an excuse for simply being entitled children who have never been held to account for their actions and have found enablers willing to let them continue with their refusal to be functional, kind people
funny how both me and my partner are on the spectrum yet have never yelled at each other. his fatass should take the dogs out himself if he hates how u do it
Yeah I’m on the spectrum too and this is not cool. Aggression is not an autism thing. He can learn another way to express his feelings or get out
I am on the spectrum, and I can say that ain’t no excuse 💀I get overwhelmed and stuff, but I don’t yell at people like that
Being on the spectrum is not an excuse for being an asshole. He may have his triggers, but he can just as easily go into another room to yell to himself, or put on noise-cancelling headphones, or a multitude of other things that don’t involved yelling at his partner.
Also, if he knows the dog barking triggers him, why have the dog in the first place? If I had something that triggered me that badly, I wouldn’t want it in my house.
Autism is not an excuse to be an asshole
I’m high functioning autistic and while dogs barking isn’t a trigger for me the easy solution here really sounds like he could’ve gone and got the dog back in once they started barking. It would’ve stopped the barking immediately. Part of being an autistic adult is solving your own triggers. We aren’t children anymore we have free will and the ability to solve our own problems.
One of my biggest triggers is places like Walmart. I can’t stand the sensory overload. Does this mean I never go to Walmart? No. It means I do order pickup whenever possible so I don’t have to go inside. I forgot to make an order and I need something today? I go online and find which aisle has the thing I need and I go directly to that aisle and grab it and check out as quickly as possible and make an order for the next day for whatever wasn’t an immediate need. I get super triggered by doing dishes because I can’t touch wet food. I wear gloves. Problem solved. It still freaks me out but I manage. My worst trigger is metal silverware against ceramic plates. It makes me feel like my teeth are being stabbed for some reason. This trigger is the hardest for me to solve in that once I hear the noise I get instantly overwhelmed. So even if the noise stops there’s no fast solution. So when it happens I go lay down or do a stim or whatever I need to do so self soothe and recalibrate. I don’t fucking scream at people. I just remove myself and calm down.
As a kid I had a ton of meltdowns because I wasn’t allowed to remove myself from situations that upset me and I didn’t have the power to create solutions. As an adult it’s almost always possible to just fix whatever is upsetting me. If I don’t like a noise or a texture or whatever I just stop whatever is the problem myself rather than demanding everyone else fix it for me. Because I’m an adult. Sounds like your bf got babied a bit too much and never learned to solve his own problems. My parents were big on making sure I learned how to handle my own problems. It’s my disability to accommodate, it’s not everyone else’s jobs to accommodate me.
Sounds abusive, OP
I’m not familiar with autism, so I can’t speak to that but if his behavior isn’t something you’re willing to tolerate, see what can be done about it (i.e. therapy, etc), including leaving the relationship if nothing can be done.
Being autistic is fine, it’s not an excuse to treat others like crap. No part of the way he treats you is acceptable. Signed a special education teacher who knows autistic people are perfectly capable of treating others with kindness and respect.
My husband and I are both on the spectrum(I don’t like to use the term high functioning personally, I find it’s dismissive of a lot of people, but we are both capable and functioning adults). When we have disagreements or are over stimulated or triggered, we NEVER yell at each other. We will usually say what’s going on to the other, then take some space and come back and have a calm discussion if one needs to be had. One of my triggers, from trauma, is yelling. So that just doesn’t happen in this house. But also it’s extremely unhelpful and unproductive. If your husband is having such an issue with the barking, then he should be using headphones or earplugs while asleep. He needs to accommodate his triggers, not take them out on you.
This isn’t a being on the spectrum issue, this is a husband not having his shit together issue.
Women develop illnesses from being in an environment like this. It raises your cortisol. Not good for your mental or physical health.
If he has issues to the point of them interfering with his life, he needs therapy. He’s treating you like a child and that’s not ok, autism or not. Autism isn’t an excuse for treating others like crap. Tell him he needs to quit before your relationship suffers serious consequences.
Sounds like he’s using “on the spectrum “ as an excuse to be an abusive asshole.
as someone who is autistic, yelling and getting angry is not an excuse and something you can get away with just because you have autism. it’s not his fault that he is autistic, but it is 100% his responsibility to learn how to manage and control his diagnosis. don’t let him get away with abusive behaviour because he has autism. he’s a grown man, he needs to work on himself.
Why have dogs with him if you alone have to care for them
If you need peace and he doesn’t self regulate, you are not compatible. I grew up with a yelling parent. I NEED my home to be peaceful.
Some people handle being yelled at by yelling back or just ignoring it. I don’t want it in my home. So I picked my partner accordingly.
30 years, zero yelling.
Yeah my daughter used to cry and scream when she was woken up too early or by a loud noise. Then she turned 5. I would tell the manbaby to nut up or shut up.
Being on the spectrum does not give him the right to use you and yell at you if you need to pee. He is using his diagnosis to treat you poorly and that is messed up.
His issues don’t sound like an autism issue, they sounds like an asshole issue. He is both adult enough and able to learn self soothing. Accidents will happen, but it shouldn’t be a habit.
Does that mean he feminine or something? Lol
Why didn’t he get his lazy ass up and bring the dogs in?
He might be on the spectrum but it’s still his duty to fucking avoid triggers. Doesn’t like the dogs barking? Do it yourself. I hate people like this. It’s not his fault but it’s his responsibility.