I hate having a white family

I (16F) am mixed race with black and white, my
mom being white and my dad being black. My mom and dad never had a truly healthy relationship leading to me being fatherless, and having no connections to my black family. My
moms side of the family which I have been raised with is your stereotypical southern white family. They support trmp, say the n word, and are completely inconsiderate towards anyone who isn’t white. This has made it sooo hard for me growing up I can’t even explain it. It’s like they love me, yet they make such offensive jokes and stereotype me even though I was raised by them. An example of this was when I went to visit my aunt, and she tells me “Baby I know you’re black but you really need to shave your legs” and the continuing on to say black people are hairy and don’t ever shave, even though I was literally raised by white people so even if this were true even though it’s OBVIOUSLY NOT, it wouldn’t make sense for it to apply to me because I was raised by them?? Growing up my cousins have always made very offensive jokes and done things like call me the n word with the hard r, which still goes on today. Literally a week ago, one of my cousins walked in my room and asked if I was a monkey and when I said no he said yes you are and started mimicking monkey actions and noises. They have also made fun of my curly hair countless of
times. All of this actually led me to being EXTREMELY insecure from a young age, starting in elementary.

Stuff like this has always gone on, and while the adults in my family don’t engage in this offensive jokes, they don’t try to stop it either. It’s not like i’m a sensitive person either because I have no issue with dark humor, but it’s hard when your own family is constantly picking at you and acting micro aggressive towards you because you’re black throughout your whole life and on top of that I already struggle with being different from the rest of my family and sticking out. Whenever I try to bring up how they treated me when I was younger, they always say “Well it was supposed to strengthen you as a person” which makes me feel even more misunderstood, resulting in them just calling me sensitive.

I have no connections to my black family, and really no one to relate to. Most of my friends are asian and hispanic except 1, so they don’t understand. I seriously struggle with this so hard because it’s my own family and I don’t know how to cope with this. I feel disconnected from my culture and don’t know how I would even learn to engage with my black side, and even if I did my family would probably make fun of me for it some how. Its like i’m too black to truly fit in the family but seen as too white by an other black people.

I honestly don’t even know who I am as a person