I hate how much I seek male attention and I just want it to stop

I know this may give some odd vibes but just bear with me.

The things I’ve done to get a crumb of attention from a male human, especially one that appealed to me.

I’ve sacrificed nights to listen to some man vent about his heartbreak, hoping that he’d realise that he could confide in me as a close friend and that eventually perhaps we would become lovers. Only to have that guy never talk to me again after he finished venting.

I’ve given out millions of heartfelt compliments to men especially when I saw that other women weren’t giving some man much validation, in the hopes that he’d realise that there was someone who appreciated him – me. And how foolish of me that was, to lower my personality for a man who probably wouldn’t even think to be interested in me.

At school during lunch times I would join ’the boys’ in their handball games, thinking I was ’so cool for not being like the other girls’ and that the boys would recognise me as a friend and possibly eventually one of them would pursue me romantically.

I was a stripper for a few months (in my university years). I thought that if I tried to emphasise on my ”sexiness” (ie primal attraction by flaunting my body) then I would be able to literally bathe in male attention because men are ultimately monkey-brained right? People say men screw anything and I was at least something, right? But no, a few measly hundreds of dollars and an overwhelming amount of social anxiety put me off trying to approach men and convince them to pay me for a lap dance.

Not a single guy has ever shown any genuine interest in me. Every guy from Tinder, from uni, from work, from Instagram, that ever seemed ’interested’ in me was just after a hookup or two. I can’t even post on dating subreddits because I’ve never even got to date anyone in the first place, lol.

And when I’m down on my luck, when I’m rotting alone in my bedroom as an unemployed 25 year old woman, I go online to reach out to men and get them to notice me. I’m either trying to be the funny girl, the nice girl, the cool ’based’ girl, or just be ’myself’ – trying to see which costume works.

But that rage I feel, every time some guy ignores me, just like the rage I felt when I observed every other girl get hit on by some guy whilst no man batted an eye at me, it consumes me.

I hate myself for being so desperate for male attention. Every time a guy responds to me, it makes me feel seen, it gives me a dopamine rush and even more so if I think he’s hot.

And if some guy doesn’t so much as address that I exist in the conversation or space, I feel like ripping my heart out of my chest. I know it sounds dramatic, but it’s how I feel. And I want to stop feeling this way.

I want to stop associating male attention with my self worth. And yes, I have heard of people saying that your self worth shouldn’t be defined by a man or anyone for that matter. I have heard that if I stay true to myself then ’the right guy’ will come along.

But no – how can I ever feel worthy if my worth can’t even be acknowledged by another person? Doesn’t it just sound like cope to stay hoping that the ’right guy’ comes along when the reality will be that no one would ever appreciate me for who I am? And why can’t men just acknowledge I exist? That I’m still a woman worthy of appreciation. I’m not asking for much.

TLDR I get super angry when men ignore me and this rage makes me lose my mind but I want this feeling to stop, and I desperately want to stop seeking attention from men but I don’t know how I can convince my mind to.