So for starters i hate my dads guts because of a lot of things i dont wanna get too in the detail just know he is very short temperamental (and misogynistic, egoistic, narcissistic) and my parents marriage sucks the life out of me.
So to get to the point he is a travel freak, and we travel every year on vacations AND I FUCKING HATE THEM, like they genuinely kill me and because the past year i was in 12th grade we didnt go and now im currently free so he has planned a trip of 25 FUCKING DAYS and im losing it. I cant imagine spending time around him im literally loosing my brain. I hate when we opens his mouth. And currently the only topic of the conversation in our house is about the trip and i hate it. I don’t know how to control myself from snapping at him and talking in a moody manner which pisses him and then my mom also gets mad at me for doing that. One important thing is that i hate the way he makes us travel its exhausting and most importantly he loves clicking photos and the person whose photos are getting clicked are ME. Which i hate like posing for those photos kills me and every single tour we have every year we end up having one major fight mostly over photos and fyi i cant say no like i get no choice in all of this AT ALL.
The only thing i look forward to is that my brother is also going we are picking him from college and moving forward with the trip with him.
So all i wanna know is how do i manage myself, i don’t want to be snappy all the time, honestly i wish i could just detach myself from everything he says but i get affected easily and also if i don’t react on time then he would get mad and a fight will break out.
So please advice me on how to manage myself and not get affected by him AT ALL and yk stop being pissed at him. And most importantly i wanna control myself and not do something that will end up spiking his anger.
HELP HELP. Please save me
[EDIT]
everyone thanks for the advice but what im actually looking for is advice on how to control my facial expressions and to stop being moody and snappy. PLEASE GIVE ADVICE ON THAT IM BEGGING YOU ALL. Any other tips on how to manage my anger/ breakdown episodes
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Have you read “Catcher in the Rye”? It’s the perfect book to read ahead of this trip.
Are you financially dependent on him? That makes it harder to say no. Does your brother really want to go? If you are 18 then you could do something with him-tell your parents they deserve a special trip for themselves, since now you are old enough to be with your brother for a few weeks and they can go enjoy themselves as a couple. if you must go, start wearing clothes or accessories that your father doesn’t like-he’s less likely to want your photo if he thinks it will look “bad”. You could also try getting a job-you couldn’t possibly take that much time off right as you start a new job, right? And working is a very adult thing to be doing. Otherwise a good set of headphones and a calendar where you can cross off the days reminding yourself that the trip will have an end.
Ideally, you would get a job and stay home.
“It’s important for my work ethic that I stick with this job instead of being a quitter.”
If you’re determined to travel, then you can play games in your head to distract yourself from noticing his attitude. Such as keep count how many of his words have an odd or even number of syllables.
Read books about how to survive narcissistic bosses and other people you can’t avoid. Try Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Gibson, or How to Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist by Fjelstad.
Not sure if this will help, but can you keep a straight face while constantly imagining him as an angry little buzzing bee, with a little buzzing voice?? You can’t laugh or even smirk at him, because that will set him off, so the straight face is important.
Or, I would tell you to imagine him as a toddler having a tantrum, if you could still “appear” respectful. I don’t want you to do anything that will get you hurt. Mentally count how many times your dad would be put in “time out” for bad behavior.
Can you pretend you are in some crazy movie and not your real life? You are too young for this, but there was an old Star Trek episode (the old TV show) where Clint Howard (Ron Howard’s younger brother) played an all powerful magical tyrant who was only about 5 years old. Everyone had to be super careful not to set him off, until his god and goddess parents found out.
Thank goodness you are out of this family dynamic soon.
Well that sounds awful. I don’t think I could do a 25 day road trip with my best friends, never mind someone who gets on my nerves. It’s too long for you to be able to drown it out with noise-cancelling headphones, tho’ that might be a critical part of the defense. The less you hear, the less you get irritated. I strongly suggest getting a few audio books. You can get them from the library for free if you’re short on funds. Music is also very helpful.
Can your brother help you at all? Maybe you can open up to him about how you’re feeling on this, and enlist him to keep you sane and in control?
Wear a mask for “health” reasons?
Get a job or take a summer class that you cannot do online.
Don’t go!
Bring your own camera and every time he starts getting irritating, record and video him. Every time he insists on photoing you, insist on getting multiple photos of him before you leave the site. Get him to do special poses, take extra time getting it right.
Also, bring along a little travel journal and write about his behavior.
When you FINALLY get home, present him with a montage of videos and written record of DAD.
Then, announce that you are done.
Who knows? He might be pleased to be photographed more than you.
I just saw a video on YouTube that might help. It’s from Dr. Romani and she mentions a little know tactic toxic people use called baiting.
Once you’re aware that they do little things to poke, prod and get you riled up it isn’t as effective as it used to be.
You can only control yourself so keep that in mind. Your deep anger and hatred will be hard to control. I usually try to switch it over to pity.
You can also fake an illness on the trip. Or claim that you’re feeling a little under the weather. Maybe that will get you to not have to interact as much.
Take up walking. Everyday go for a long ass hike, something that he wouldn’t want to go on. Proudly proclaim your numbers, ie “did 20k steps again today!”. That way you have your own adventures and maximize the time away from him, and are doing a healthy thing.
Can you control some of your own days on the trip? Do some research on where you’re going and what’s available to do there, and sign yourself up for some activities. Preferably, ones your parents won’t also want to do. Or, get really into taking long walks on the beach or hikes, or rent a bike and just go places. I think spending part or most of your days apart would make you more tolerant of him during the time you spend together.
Focus on everything but your father. Accept what he says without responding or engaging , maybe only a “hmm.” He will take up all the real estate in your brain IF YOU LET HIM. Read. Nap. Put in your ear buds. Most importantly: Accept him as an old guy you know, rather than your father, and you’ll find it easier to dodge reacting
Look up Gray Rock Technique. Should be a LOT of detailed information. Basically, appear disinterested and unengaged. So, he says, the first week, we’re going to be Here!(some neato, to him, place). You say, neutral face & monotone, sounds great. And,then, it’ll be six hours, and then we’re going to do”x”. Same monotone, that’s going to be fun. So the actual words out of your mouth are “acceptable” and your bearing is neutral with no clue of your distaste. How does your mother handle this? Is she argumentative? Disengaged? Can you two be covert allies? Last, what’s with the photos? That’s ODD. I’m guessing you can’t photo bomb your own photos in a way he can’t detect, but can you find a nice smooth stone or talisman of some kind to just be holding (concealing) in your hand, so you can ground yourself and say to yourself, this is NOT my (true) life, this *hole is out of my life as SOON as I can make it so, my REAL life is waiting for me and it’s going to be GREAT. Good luck! Update please!
Advice for handling the anger:
To control your anger during this month, start listening to what your anger is trying to tell you. You don’t have to change your actions. Listening will be enough to make the outbursts less bursty.
Understand what anger is for, so you can use it effectively and not let it get in the way.
Anger is an important defence mechanism. It’s designed to alert you that something is wrong or dangerous, and to MOTIVATE you to protect yourself.
Here’s how:
During the day, when you find yourself getting angry, make a mental note about the circumstances.
At the end of every day, write down everything your dad did that pissed you off that day. Use the format “When Dad , I felt ”
Eg. “When dad asked me to pose for a photo even though I said I didn’t want to, I felt used.”
“When mom and Dad talk about this trip, I felt angry and trapped”
Try looking up a list of basic human rights, and use that as a starting place. You have a right to safety, you have a right to your own beliefs, etc.
“Dad made me pose for a photo even though I didn’t want to > this crossed a boundary. I have a right to not pose for his entertainment.”
“Mom and Dad only want to talk about this trip and it bothers me but they won’t let me avoid it > this crosses a boundary. I have a right to not pretend to be happy about something I don’t want”
These exercises will make you less angry.
They will help you control your facial expressions, because your body will learn to trust that you’re paying attention to what’s happening to you.
Eventually, these exercises will help you learn to protect yourself from your parents’ transgressions, but you don’t have to change anything in the meantime.
Good luck.
My suggestion is to take a class that you enjoy that you can work on during the trip. Something related to your career or future plans so it is harder for him to object.
When he announces that you need to pose, you can respond with “Sure! I can take pictures of you and mom when you are done.” Make it a little annoying but not so much that her can reasonably complain.
Try pretending that you are an anthropologist or naturalist . Narrate his behavior in your mind. (“The beer-bellied suburbanite is attempting to establish dominance by controlling bathroom access / repeating primitive vocalizations”)
My condolences. Some relatives are better in smaller dosage.
Gray rock him. Don’t engage. I grew up with a lunatic parent/narcissist. In my 20s I finally learned to not react. You have to realize he’s a sick broken person that will never change ( most likely) and just become an observer ( pretend you are an observer of human behavior from an alien planet or something). Do not engage. Be a gray rock. Generally they REALLY want you to engage in their crazy and will use triggers to get you going. It takes practice but start. Example: I don’t want to eat the chicken Dad. Dad:What? Why? Are you saying I’m a bad cook/parent? I slave to feed you and this is how you treat me?! You with no expression: I simply said I don’t want it. Him: more guilt/ shame/ threatening/ anger/ whatever. You: repeat the same sentence over and over: I implied none of that. I simply said I don’t want it. Do not fall for any bait. Usually they start to run out of steam because they are not getting the reaction they really want out of you. He really actually wants you to be snappy, then he can really live in martyrdom in his brain.
Do you have someone you could stay with. Or could you stay home alone? If you have to go head phones or ear pods. Definitely have something that cancels the noise. Is it just your dad, mom and you?
Bring some needlework or knitting or some kind of distraction. That way you can have something to focus on that is productive. It’s not much but you can throw your full attention into it with your headphones. Start making faces before the trip and say that you’ve just read that it’s good for your facial muscles and skin tone. “I was just subconsciously trying my facial exercises.” Best of luck. I’m pulling for you.
If you use caffeine, that can make you more reactive. Try green tea, it contains L- theanine which helps keep you calm. You can also get theanine in pill form.
Learn to start box breathing at the first sign of tension.
Anything that gives you mental distance and lets you take some of your power back, even subtly, will help. Grey rocking is the best trick I know for managing anger. It’s actually a lovely form of revenge because you’re not giving the nasty, controlling person the thing they want, which is control. Every time he gets you riled up he wins, because he is controlling your reactions. So, don’t give him the reaction he wants so badly. Just give back flat affect and brief, monotone answers. Don’t volunteer anything, don’t get mad, don’t be overtly rude, just the bare minimum, in other words just neutral, like you’re in line at the post office. Make a game out of it for yourself and keep score. He irritated you 10 times and you didn’t take the bait, reward yourself with something. Look up gray rocking for more details.
Another good trick is to pretend you’re observing your family for a psychological evaluation, and make a running mental narrative – subject 1 is large, and seems to feel he has a leadership role in this primate troop, but observations indicate that the other subjects in the unit tolerate him rather than revere him. He is blissfully unaware of his lack of status etc. you can also make up alternate captions for some of the photos- the prisoner plots escape unseen, considering whether she can leap onto the passing tourist bus and drive it to a safe country.
Reading books about rebellion and thwarting an oppressive regime can also be helpful if you’re a reader by nature. And also planning your escape for next time. will this be your last trip with him? – how are you going to make sure that’s true? What can you do to escape him permanently? A job that won’t give you time off? A summer externship? If you can find space to let off steam with your brother, and he isn’t part of the family cult, do that too. One word of warning, if you don’t give your dad the reaction he wants, he will keep upping the ante to try to get it. Look up extinction burst to see what I mean. Good luck OP.
Sounds like you’re 18 years old. You don’t have to go with them at all. However you got a paid vaca. What if you and your bro go on excursions while on vaca? Ask your folks if that’s allowed. Take public transport if you can and have some days apart from them. Do some research of where you two can go. Bring some cash in the local currency so you get some freedom.