I’m about to turn 30 and honesty I feel like all the things in my past I should and should not have done are eating me up. I’m so fucking unhappy. I truly hate my life and my husband every single day.
About 3 1/2 years ago I was going to leave my husband. He was never there for me for anything. I did EVERYTHING. Work full time, just like him. Cooked, cleaned,started conversations, looked out for his every want and need. I did EVERYTHING for him. I caught him cheating a few years before that but decided to stay and try harder (can you tell I have “daddy issues”?). About a year goes by and no improvement. He doesn’t give a fuck about anyone other than himself and if I ever brought up the cheating stuff and how it hurt me he always turned it around saying why I’m gonna “bring that shit up again” and how I needed to “get over it.” I decided I was going to leave that April. Well fuck me, we had sex ONCE and I got pregnant. He sweet talked me into keeping the baby. I wasn’t sure from the get go because HELLO I was planning on leaving. But I felt bad because it was his baby too. I still loved him at that point, despite everything. He promised me how he would help me and how good of a father he would be to our baby. And how he would help me take care of everything too. He has always been good with words.
Well it was all a fucking lie. My daughter is now 2.5 years old and I still do everything. Now I’m resentful. I fucking hate how he’s lied to me. I hate how stupid I was to believe him and now…I can’t fucking leave. I can’t go back to my parents house how I originally planned because there’s no fucking room there. I can’t move in with my siblings because again no fucking room. I CANT LEAVE. And I have no one to take care of my daughter.
She is in her “terrible twos” and fuck. I hate every fucking day with her. I hate how angry she is because my husband doesn’t show any emotion other than anger. I hate that when she spends time with him SHES SO ANGRY AND PISSY AND MEAN! When he’s gone (he’s military) she’s so much more calm when it’s just her and mommy. These days when it’s hard I literally feel l have hate towards my own flesh.
I want to leave so badly because what’s the fucking point of staying here?? But I have nowhere to go. Nobody to take care of my kid. I just fucking hate everyday that I’m living. I hate how gullible I was and I wish I could go back and not have my daughter.
I could be on my own, in my own peaceful place, with my own job. But I’m just here, dying inside every day, wishing I had a better support system. Taking care of two people who can’t take care of themselves.
Everyday I hate my husband more and more. He doesn’t LISTEN to things I say. Everything is all about him. His wants, his needs. I think of him as an NPC because literally he only has so many functions and it’s like anything out of that, he doesn’t know what to do. I have to do everything for him. Even the simple stuff he can’t figure out and yet somehow it’s everyone’s fault but his. He’s always so fucking angry for little shit! Like FUCKKKKK shut up!!
I’ve gone to therapy about this by the way and my therapist literally said maybe I should spend time away. Again, where do I go?! I’m just so emotionally and mentally exhausted. This whole relationship feels like whiplash. One day it’s good, then BOOM really fucking bad day then one day great then KABOOM even worse day.
I just needed to vent. People really fucking suck. I know my worth. Since having my daughter, so much has changed for me. She thankfully opened up my eyes to my whole life. I’m just tired of not being appreciated or listened to. I’m so exhausted of not being loved properly and having to explain my soul every single day.
I used to be so happy and optimistic about everything in my life. Now I’m bitter and mean at times and less sweet. I hate it. I really wish I could go back.
Comments
I know venting is necessary but as you said, you know your worth and deserve better. Start saving a little bit and make a plan. If your family was an option before, I’m sure they will help now. Don’t beat yourself up about trying to fight for something you care about. He’s failed you. It’s something that happens and from experience, I promise while it’s scary to make those moves- it’s better on the other side. A big hug to you. ❤️
thats not your husband. thats an asshole
separate. whatever it takes, you can do it
its already affecting your daughter & believe me that shit doesnt disappear. you will pay for it later. when she gets older.
save the both of you
Listen lady. I left mine 14 years ago. I left everything from all belongings. I took my two and left. We never looked back. I stayed at a shelter for a job and worked. My kids were 6 months old and 1.
Then he died. Frankly, I was still and am to this day an only parent. Your excuses is your limited narrow minded self giving you excuses.
If you want change, you have to change. That’s all.
I’m so sorry. I know that making a move must be intimidating. But, it has to be better than staying still in misery, right? You could at least speak to a lawyer about what you’re options are. Alimony could be an option. You’re already struggling. You may as well struggle for yourself rather than this ungrateful piece of sludge you’re married to.
Make a plan to leave and then do it.
EDIT: I know it’s not easy. I left my ex-husband in Florida by packing only my car and my 2 year old, and drove home to Michigan. I had secretly had a job lined up, and a place to stay (family). I left while he was at work. He was abusive and cheated multiple times. Making the plan, and making it happen was how I did it.
Go to a women’s center.
Get on a waiting list while you get your papers and money together.
When they have space go…
Let them guide you onto aid and to housing.
End the marriage.
It’s self harm at this point and you’re teaching your daughter to take the same treatment.
Just leave
save money, buy a house, give the kid up for adoption, leave your husband, move
Valid. Make a plan and leave. Do you have anyone else in your life you and your daughter could live with?
I have given this advice before… if your husband wants you to be his mother, make him pay for it. Hire a housekeeper, get a babysitter a couple of nights a week, go out to dinner or get takeout. In other words, if he doesn’t want to participate in your partnership, start paying someone to do the things he should be helping with. This will get his attention real fast and you can explain that you are working too much to keep up. Maybe you should quit work to have more time. He is not going to like any of these options and is going to have to make some changes. Make sure you have your own bank account so you can pay for these things, even if that means you have no money left over.
If this does not cure his narcissistic behavior, it’s time to make an exit plan. Best of luck to you!
I had that dad. My mom took me when I was 4. He dragged her into a custody battle and then ended up being a half-assed disney dad anyway, and when he did move to our state, near his own family and new wife and stepchildren, he was an angry, bitter, mean asshole who treated us like his boot marines instead of his kids. when we were old enough to defend ourselves and speak our opinions, his behavior got abusive towards all of us, including my toddler half-brother.
But thanks to my mother divorcing him and taking me, when I was old enough to have a voice of my own – I had a safe space in her house. He left me when I was 15. I only saw him and my siblings once a year after that. But I was free from something my siblings had to unfortunately put up with on a daily basis. I can tell you from experience that your toddler will someday be a full blown person, whose personality may or may not mesh well with someone like your husband. the latter is more likely, unless you raise her to be a girl whose place is quiet and dutiful.
OP, you CAN leave. you can leave at any time. yeah, coparenting will suck, dealing with the up and down attitude will suck. i know i myself was a nightmare for my mom some weeks returning home from a weekend at dad’s or moving back home after spending the summer with him. it was definitely a lot for her. but in the end, i turned out a lot better for it, and i think for her, being able to mitigate the reflections of his behavior in me probably felt more doable in a space away from him that she could call her own, than under the same roof living together.
and YES, divorce sucks ass! i myself have been through it. especially when there’s a kid and mutual assets involved. but you get through it and then your life is YOURS. yes, you have your child to consider, but you may find getting away from him to ease a considerable burden in your management of her.
-I was planning on leaving him
That’s all I needed to hear.
Leave him and take child support. If your parents will take you, suffer through being cramped until you get on your feet. Share a room with your daughter. It’ll be much better than what you’re doing now. It will be hard but you can do it.
Talk to friends and family about your problems. They care, they will help you, if you ask for it. Can’t you tell your husband what you need him to do/change? Or just leave him and whatever happens, happens?
I’m just praying that for the girls out here who are reading this, with fucked relationship, boyfriends and relationships with redflags, and you with the option to leave while you can, to please leave while you can. Don’t wait! If it’s already rocky, DONT HAVE THAT BABY! This is your sign now to LEAVE him! Anything less than ideal is toxic. Anytime someone does anything wrong to you or makes you feel unworthy LEAVE. If you’ve read this post, this is your wake up sign to not make this same mistake and fall into a trap. Now she will never be able to get him out of her life and now her children’s life is going to be significantly impacted because of their drama. And obviously OP is like this cause her daddy issues.
The cycle must be stopped.
(No hate to OP or her post, just thought this post should be used for awareness and hopefully good prevention for others)
Sounds like you and him both need therapy. But nothing is going to change if you continue to sit back and allow it to happen.
Zoloft. Or Zoloft + Welbutrin.
It will give you the clarity and energy to escape to a better life
Since you didn’t ask for advice, and I hope this was a good vent, I’ll just add
FUCK!!
I just mean to say I understand what you’re saying, and it’s now wonder you feel this way. I do wish the very best for you and your daughter.
Grow a spine and actually LEAVE then.
Get the help you need. Leave your husband. Is he at least a good father? To be honest, I don’t think your daughter will be safe around you while you are feeling this way. Either leave her with her father (hoping that he at least knows basic parenting) or with trusted family. You need to be alone. For a long while.
Girllll you need to cheat and purposely get caught. Teach him a damn lesson.
Change happens when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than the fear and pain of change.
I’m so sorry you’re having to go through this alone…. Guys, especially younger ones are all kinds of fucked up these days. I say find a way to leave… Life is too short and at the end of it, you die… Don’t waste your time on earth being miserable and resentful. One of my cousins recently left her husband because he was behaving similarly and it was really negatively impacting her and their two kids (one of whom is 2.5). Thinking about the impact that dysfunctional relationships and emotionally neglectful or abusive people will have on your kid is serious decision point. Explore any available resources for single mothers that includes affordable housing support until you can fully get on your feet. It may be hard in the short term, but the truth is you’re still young and have a lot of life to live. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t be bothered to be an engaging participant in your marriage and parenthood.
You can hate your husband but please don’t hate your daughter. She did not ask to be here and as her mother, it is not nice to say you hate her.
Leave him. I’m not anti marriage but most men just aren’t marriage material and it’s getting worse out here. Stories like these are so common. I’m saying that to say it’s best to just take your kid and focus on yourself for now.
If u can’t do it for urself, leave for ur daughter.
I’m a stay at home mom to 3 wonderful children with an amazing husband, and I STILL relate here. Not exactly by any means, but hating everything life is for me now…. spot on. 🎯 Being a mom is a LOT in any situation! Yours is a bit different, though, and I’m really sorry you’re getting the shit end of the stick. We really are last in line in the family.
You should definitely start looking for free resources in your area. Or the area you wish to go. It’s also worth mentioning that you may (I don’t know) have access to some really helpful ones being a military family? And when I say resources, I’m speaking really broadly here. Whether it be childcare, legal help with a divorce, help with housing, finances, food, etc. Look for anything and everything that you can get assistance with if you were a single mom and start putting a plan together. (Never count on child support. I’ve never seen it and mine oldest is 15.) I’ve been a single mom before and this was the only way I could make it in the beginning. It will take time, but there’s no better time to start!
I also really think you should talk to your family. Room or no room! My mom had to do it for me a couple times and she didn’t bat an eye because it was for her kid and grandkid.
Good luck out there. And just know that you’re still a good mom even when you feel this way. Only good moms care this much. The bad feelings pass. ❤️
I’m sorry, is there a reason why you can’t kick his ass out? Why does this all come down to you having nowhere to go, it’s your home too, probably even more so than it is his.
You’re much too passive.
I suspect once you leave your husband, your feelings towards your daughter are going to change. Your resentment for him is overwhelming, his inability to help you step up with housework, as a partner and as a parent. Your daughter just becomes another responsibility, another obstacle keeping you from leaving. Once you are out of this toxic relationship, on your own, hopefully you will see her in a new light.
Start working on an exit strategy. You probably have more resources than you think, in terms of friends and family willing to help. You may not want to depend on others, but if they are willing to help, take it. If not for you, then for your child, because she does not deserve to grow up in home where her parents resent each other, and her. You can do this, and hopefully if a year or two the worst will be behind you, you will be standing on your own two feet, and your feelings for your child will change for the better.
I also was leaving my bf literally secured my new apartment, we had sex once and I got pregnant. boyyy did i grieve! motherhood the first year was so hard for me, felt like i never even asked for it and i wanted to leave it all behind. 19 months later im much happier and trying to make it work. it’s hard tho. i’m not loved properly, my bf is also angry and explosive and impulsive immature. i sacrifice for my son, no support system either. hang in there, day by day. just sharing cause i feel like this is so similar to my own story.
My mom was planning on leaving my dad when she got pregnant with me. It wasn’t easy. She said around the time I was 2.5 she was super depressed. She reminds me of this now that mine is around that age because it can be really damn hard.
She was an immigrant, she saved and around 4 she left my dad. We never had a lot of space but we didn’t need it. I think the peace she felt just being the two of us made a difference. I love my mom and we have a great relationship.
I say all this to say that yes it will be hard, but you absolutely are capable. I’m sorry you hate things right now, I hope you get a chance to love it again in the future.
Start saving up in an account he doesn’t have access to! You DESERVE to live a life full of happiness.. waking up dreading every day is no way to live sis. I fully support you saving up, getting out on your own and living your life the way you want to.. and not have to worry about an angry husband.. that shit is no good for you, him or your child. You all deserve to be happy! I feel like once you’re away from him, stuff with your kid won’t annoy you as much either.
Best of luck to you!! Please keep us updated! We are here FOR YOU 🩷
Yes, so now that you vented to us about what you feel what are you going to do about your situation? If you’re just here to vent and you’re not looking to make any changes, I hope that made you feel better but you’ll be back in a month with the same story.
I mean, listen if I was your husband, I would treat you poorly too, and you know why? because you’ve reached the level of unhappiness that he acknowledges, but doesn’t care because he doesn’t have to because YOU WONT GO ANYWHERE!
Or at least thats what he thinks.
Save up your coins, get your act together and get the hell out of there
Have you been thinking through a plan? Does him being military get you any benefits you can use for education or job training?
Lay the groundwork, and then get out. It took me years to leave my husband in a way that could provide a financially stable life for me and my kids.
Have you considered getting sterilized so you don’t have any more children? Take advantage of his insurance while you can.
Make a plan, get all your dominoes lined up, and then when you’re ready, knock them down.
School -> Job -> Freedom
That sounds like he got you pregnant on purpose to keep you around. Find a program to help you leave, this isn’t going to get better
Find a new boyfriend & pick one that will help you. Sometimes ya can’t leave without the help of someone. Don’t let your husband stop your from finding a better husband, I say do whatever you can & be with whoever you want to get the hell away
This poor poor baby girl.
Boot his ass out! File for divorce and seek to stay in the house. Get a custody and placement agreement so you each have equal responsibility for her and each have some down time. It’s amazing how much better a parent you can be if you aren’t so angry and exhausted.
The worst is over. Because you are no longer deluded, confused, and lost. You now know what you don’t like, don’t want, and don’t care for. All those past three years were there to teach you to choose you, choose yourself, choose your happiness, choose your well-being, and choose a better future for yourself. It’s time to create a plan on how to improve your situation. Anyway, this is why many women have a don’t-give-a-fuck attitude once they’ve reached their 30s.
Picture, in 2-3yrs you get yourself a decent job, your ex is paying child support your child is now in pre school, you got your life back, is right there around the corner, hold for dear life and get your ducks in the road to leave, you got so much more ahead of you.
Reach out to family anyway, let them know you’re in a financially and emotionally abusive relationship. Find a way to leave. Speaking from experience, you feel like a completely different person and enjoy life again once you’re out
> This whole relationship feels like whiplash. One day it’s good, then BOOM really fucking bad day then one day great then KABOOM even worse day.
This is an important point — if one day is good, and then the next is fucking bad, then in reality, there are no good days The “good” days are just temporary reprieves where you get to maybe kinda somewhat recover from the last horrible day, and maybe kinda somewhat prepare for the next.
If your life and relationships are inconsistent, then the “good” days really don’t matter. A person needs consistency in their life, otherwise it’s just chaos, with no place to get a foothold.
And also, you have a child in the mix. As someone who had a violently angry, unreliable father, you need to leave this man for your daughter’s sake. She’s gonna grow up with real emotional and psychological issues if she’s subjected to that type of “father” for the next 16 years of her life.
So do whatever you need to do to get you and your daughter away from this guy. He’s not going to change. He’s not.
Wow I know I am going to be downvoted to no end but hear me out before Jumping down my throat. First I can’t get over the title where you say you hate your baby!!! That baby is innocent in all of your life’s drama, and does not deserve to be hated by its own Mom. Even though you tried back peddling towards the end you still made it clear that you hate your child, and are even mad about her being in her “Terrible Twos”(I ABSOLUTELY HATE THAT SAYING!!) Have you honestly thought that maybe your baby is acting out because she feels nothing but hostility from BOTH of her parents?? Have you ever sat down and considered what that poor baby must be going through and thinking when she hears you say things such as you hating her?? And don’t tell me children that age will not remember this age later on in life because that is complete BS! I have severe PTSD from something that happened to me at 3 years old!! I still have flashbacks and nightmares terrors over it and I am currently 47 years old!! Second I caught the part where you said your husband is military or at least I am assuming he is since you said he gets deployed. How long has he been in the service? Has he been deployed to any war zones? If the answer is Yes, then he may have miss placed “Anger” aka PTSD!! I get it and I understand if you do not want to make your Marriage work and I also understand your hurt, pain and anger over him cheating on you. I do on the other hand have to agree with him in the aspect that YOU chose to forgive him and try to make your marriage work. Adultery is a crime in the military and it/you could have ended his career immediately if you’d had brought it to his commanding officer when it happened!! You didn’t there for you cannot use it against him now. All in all if you are not happy with him as husband and wife then leave him!! File for a divorce and spousal support to help you get back in your feet!! BUT DO NOT!!!! Keep his child away from him just because you two are not happy together!! She does not deserve to lose her Dad in her life and grow with “Daddy Issues” just because you are not happy with him!!
I was in a relationship/Marriage just like you are in currently and I was in it for 18 YEARS!! Him and I have 2 beautiful daughters together 1 will be 18 in June the other will be 15 in December. When him and I first split we both had a deep distain for one another, Shit he even threatened to shoot me!!! But regardless of our hate for one another we had a mutual LOVE!!! For our daughters!! I will not lie and say it was easy to coparent with him at first, but now we coparent amazingly!! Not only do we coparent amazingly together, we have even started making amends with one another, and this man has a brand new baby with another girl that is only 23 years old!!! It took him having this baby with this girl to realize his mistakes and short comings in OUR RELATIONSHIP/MARRIAGE!! J/S Maybe You guys should try Marriage Counseling!! As well as Individual Counseling for yourself and for that baby girl!!
and Lastly If you hate your “kid” Baby like you came out and said you do in the title than Maybe you should ask a family member on either side Yours or your husbands to take her for a little while, while YOU!!! Go get yourself some major Mental Health Help!! That baby girls safety is my biggest concern. What is going to happen when you snap one day and hurt her because you are mad and she is throwing a tantrum like babies do? That poor baby needs to go stay with a family member that can be trusted and where she will be SAFE!! Or a family Friend where again whoever will be keeping her for the time being can be trusted and she will be SAFE!! Too many babies/children are harmed because their parents, whether it be one or both are burnt out and or Angry. Go get Help before you screw that poor baby up for the of her life and she grows up with Anger Issues or Daddy Issues or whatever else kind of issues!! Or worse an addict to numb the pain that she will forever deal with because of her upbringing.
I worked with a guy in the military that cheated on his wife and everything you are describing about your husband is how he was.. shitty, toxic, mean, selfish as fuck.. his wife cheated back with a woman, and I guess she told him that the woman fucked her good for the first time in years. idk it was a crazy situation. his wife had given birth while he was on deployment too. she eventually had 3 kids.
idk man I mean you can always make it work, you can really conjure up a plan to get some money out of him/this and run away for good. do something for yourself and your daughter and leave.. just so she can commend you one day for doing whats right ❤️ sending love and courage to you (not to be corny)
i hope you do what’s right
I feel this and I hear you❤️
The time you spent writing this, start using the same time per day writing an escape plan and organizing your assets to GTFO safe and sound. You can do it, just read this post again and know why you’re choosing you.
I hated my life and then I got divorced and life literally got so much brighter. Good luck!
Divorce and let him take care of your child. Find a job, find a place and start from the beginning.
can you kick him out? just start documenting how he doesn’t help at all and pack up all his shit and change the locks
If he’s angry all the time too, he’s probably just as unhappy. Are there any counseling services for military and their families?
I mean did you know your worth tho? You believed his lies when the answer was in front of you. Now you should leave him and get a better therapist
gosh i wanna give u the biggest hug
Not being snarky, whatsoever, here.
You need a plan. You need help.
I can relate to your situation because I was in your shoes about 15 years ago.
Please get a therapist.
You deserve to be happy.
You really do.
I understand the feeling of seeing your kid like someone needing to be taken care of, but I hope you can find a way to see her as someone worth being taken care of, the same as you see your worth.
Your anger and frustration is valid, but one of the hardest parts of being a parent is realizing that your kid never owes you anything. They don’t ask for the things we do, and if it’s hard for you, it is 1000x harder for them. Whenever I am struggling, and I feel frustrated with my kids, I try to make myself imagine what this looks like for them. It usually seems a lot scarier from a kid’s perspective, and it helps me remember that my job is to help them be the best they can be, regardless of how I’m feeling. I might be angry at the situation, but I can’t be angry at this person who doesn’t understand the world, much less asked to be a part of it.
That anger is real, though. And figuring out how to do what you can do you don’t make the same choices moving forward seems like the best option for both of you.
I hope you can find some peace, rest, and motivation. Good luck ❤️
I think this might be a little more doable than you think. You mentioned repeatedly having no one to take care of your daughter, but her dad is literally right there. He’s military, so he should easily get leave to handle a family emergency, without any risk of losing his employment. I bet you’d be able to stay places if it was just you. I’d leave him with the baby and just pay child support. He can figure the rest out on his own, and you can restart your life. No reason to let either of them fuck up your life forever.
My aunt left my uncle and their three kids. It was better for everyone. Maybe leave them together.
Yeah take your daughter and go
First of all stay safe.
Things might get violent when you exert your agency.
Prepare in secret. Leave in secret of helped by friends as whitness.
Look for women shelter or churches and ask there how they can help you.
My narcisisstic ex was someone I wanted to end things with after just a few months of relationship, yet he was very good of confusung me, destroing my self esteem and making me believe I needed him.
I was somewat like you when I had the first child.
When he I was pregnant he got a mistress for all his family to see. When I gave birth and she left him he blamed me for losing “the love of his life”.
I was severely depressed and he was abusive 24/7.
When the kid was two years old I filed for divorce. Ex convinced me to not go through, tgat things will get better. They did not, only started to pay attention to his son. The cheating and abuse continued
One year later I divorced. It went easy because he know he can convince me to stay with him regardless. And I did.
The change lasted maybe for a year.
23 years later, plus an additional child I finally got rid of him.
Best of luck.
Mmmky mmmkay, totally hypothetical here…. I stay home and watch our kids since I’m chronically ill and can’t really work anyway, so I stay home and care for the house cause I can rest and do things as needed. Our daughters can get a pseudo sister out of each other, and someone to always talk to, and you said you had a full time job previously, so if you wanna go back to that and talk to people regularly while I be anti-social and stay home with the kiddos, I’m cool beans with that!
Sound good? K cool mee too cause there are days I’m so frustrated with my husband too. It used to be much worse, but I’ve been super lucky in being able to slowly update his software from npc to sims 2 level player. We’re no where near sims 3 or 4 yet. But working on it. At one point I fantasized about leaving, but chronic illness means no way to work consistently.. I won’t get into the good things about my husband that made me stay since this is a rant post so no nice things lol..
Sending huge hugs.
I was 30 years old when I left my first husband, my children were both still young. It was the hardest, best decision I ever made. 10+ years later and I am remarried to a man who adores me and my children are much healthier and happier than they were when my and ex and I were together.
The military will make sure you get child support and any alimony you are awarded. Life is too short to live with someone who makes you miserable. Ask yourself if you knew that you had one year left to live if you would stay with this angry man? If the answer is no, then why are you still there?