Im just another Asian woman. My life looks pretty normal. Good job, decent relationship, nothing dramatic.
But at night, when I’m alone, I end up watching porn that makes me hate myself after.
It’s always the same kind of stuff.
Asian girl, a white guy, and you know the rest. Sometimes it’s rough, sometimes it’s not, but it always feels wrong.
I don’t even like it. Or at least I don’t think I do.
But I still come to it. Hard. And then I feel gross.
I try not to think too hard about it. But it’s been going on for years.
Same search terms. Same videos. Same guilt after.
I’ve never told anyone. Not my boyfriend. Not friends.
I’ve started writing it down recently, just to get it out of my head.
I don’t even know why. It’s not for anyone. I just don’t know what else to do with it.
I don’t really have a point with this post.
Just wondering if anyone else has this thing where you keep watching stuff that messes with your head.
That’s all.
Comments
Well if you don’t like it, what makes you want to watch it? If you don’t I don’t know how to help. If you do, maybe I suggest normalizing you have a type while simultaneously not race fetishizing
You can be drawn toward the aesthetics of one race more than others and that’s okay I feel. Idk if this is a bad suggestion I’ll delete
Just compartmentalize or stop. No in between. Right now your going against your self, swimming against the current. Either you swim with it or stop swimming. You embrace the filth then forget it and move forward with life or stop. Life is too short to grovel.
There is nothing wrong with what you watch, as long as it doesn’t push you away from your significant other and you still love him the most, if you need to absolutely get it off your chest I would just talk to him, it won’t hurt anything, if he is understanding there should be no issue
Maybe watch something that reminds you of your partner and you . Not asian girl and white guy( if your bf is not white)
I find a good transition, especially when you’re in a relationship, is watching homemade porn made by a couple. It’s genuine between them with any lights or gimmicks, you know they’re both wanting each other and you can somewhat projection yourself and your partner onto them while watching so that it feels almost as if you’re watching a homemade video of your own. I find a lot of the ick from porn comes from its forced nature of trying too hard and being over the top. You’re watching people work so that you can touch yourself. Couples are like you’re a voyeur to their love life
RIP your DMs
Isnt this just called post nut clarity?
I mean, you got a fetish, clearly.
The guilt is probably from finding a sexual outlet outside of your relationship.
Been there. Same thing. Flip perspectives of your stuff.
It’s rough to say a definite: if you are satisfied in life, it’s a small part of it. If you aren’t satisfied? Well, then, maybe it’s a subconscious need.
Post 🥜 clarity:
It’s very common to be icked by things that turn you on. It can be really problematic for some people with really dark fetisches. If you want to change your sexual responses you could start to talk to a terapeut about it. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t, but at least you have tried.
Stop watching porn, I had the same feelings when I was using porn. It’s not healthy to have those feelings around your sexuality, it’s nothing wrong to watch porn if you can ”handle” it.
But if you’re going through those emotions afterwards I would suggest that you stop watching porn. Try to masturbate with thoughts only, or maybe take break from masturbating overall and let the ”feelings” build up. Porn makes you less sensitive and after some time your will have to watch more fkd up shit in order to get the same kicks. Take care of yourself, a lot of people are in the same boat.