50f. Was with one man from age 18 to now, when I learned he was cheating on me with mostly men. Our relationship was always bad. Sexless, not little sex, I mean no sex. Financial problems, his doing. I feel like me and our kids had no identity outside of him. He’d tell us what we liked or didn’t like, and make up fake memories for us. I did all sorts of shady (not illegal) financial stuff just to survive. I also eventually lost most of my relationships, it was too hard to maintain. I made terrible choices in every area of life. And on my own, I did things that for me, were morally unacceptable, because I felt like I just wanted to feel alive.
Just recently we got divorced after his cheating. And here I am, an old ass woman sexting all the time with random guys on Reddit, some half my age ( I didn’t lie about my age). I seek their validation , like I actually want to look cute or wait for their dm’s. It’s pathetic. I’m wasting time on just crap instead of trying to better my life. I’m unproductive. These are choices I’m making, on my own. I feel paralyzed emotionally.
I’m going into the same patterns and I hate it. I do shit I hate for a moment of feeling alive. I want to feel liked. I hate this, I am filled with self loathing.
I’m not going to therapy, my ex was a therapist which makes me unable to trust that.
I have to get my shit together. I’m too too old to live like this. I want to say that this is my online ho phase, post divorce…. But I know myself. This is something rotten inside of me that needs to be rooted out. It’s not just the sexting, it’s the zoned out behavior, the willingness to do anything if I think it will make someone happy. Compromising my morals in lots of ways.
I just needed to put this into the void.
Comments
Feel proud for recognizing and being honest with yourself! How could you be using your time better? In a way that would leave you feeling proud? A home improvement like painting or yard work? A personal hobby like reading or exercising? Coming out of a long term relationship made me rethink my whole life set up. The suggestions I listed worked for me. But you will need to choose for yourself. Create yourself new habits! I promise it’s possible and when you start feeling proud of your accomplishments, you’ll only do those things MORE
It’s never too late to start over.
You’re not that old, and I bet you have a lot to offer someone who’s also been in that situation.
I had a friend who was also married to a gay man she was good friends with in high school. She was in a bit of denial and both sets of parents would go on and on about how lovely they looked as a couple. Neither wanted to be the source of disappointment by initiating a breakup.
One day, however, they did. He also had a secret financial life that he hid from her. She was devastated for a few years.
Then she found the sweetest man from out of nowhere. They’ve been together for over a decade now, and she once said “this is what real love feels like!”. It’s so sad that both had to wait so long, and that they couldn’t have children together, because they’d make amazing parents.
Her ex? Went on a massive sex-spree from one continent to another for years after holding it in and making her do embarrassing things. He died of some bizarre tropical infection.
He was a mess and dragged everyone down with him, but was the perfect host when we’d visit. What a wasted life.
Bottom line, don’t give up and don’t sell yourself short. There are a ton of older men who are patiently waiting for a woman who would be happy with an average, blue collar, good man. If only it didn’t take so long for so many people to see the value in simplicity.
I hope you can do well for yourself. I know personally how hard it is to avoid bad habits like yours. You know what you’re doing won’t help you, so you’re right to stop doing them. That void won’t go away though, you need to figure out what will fill it. I’m real young to be giving advice to someone your age, but I’ve been in that headspace where you are stuck online, desperate for a connection. I filled my void by paying attention to myself and my surroundings, by listening to what my inner voice meant instead of what it said.
Rip ur dms
Get dressed go out and be a hoe. Hell I’d knock ya down
So what do you need to move forward?
I know you said no therapy, but I’d honestly recommend a female therapist who works on self-esteem issues.
Other than that, writing about it (mostly to myself) always helped me, so keep that going. Maybe you’ll figure something out you hadn’t before.
I’m sorry about what happened to you. Be more kind to yourself, you endured a long marriage that made you lose confidence in yourself and you lost respect for yourself because thats what he made you feel. What he did was a representation of who he is, not what you deserve. You were stuck. Give yourself some slack. You really are a strong woman who went to hell and back and you are still here. First thing is to take it day by day. Sexting and doing things like that will just make you feel worse. Focus on you right now. Build a relationship with yourself. Remember when you were younger and had things you wanted to do? Try them out. You are now free to be who you want to be. Wishing you the best.