I love everything about my boyfriend. He is wonderful. We’ve been together for 9 months, and I think about him being a potential life partner.
I think he is attractive looks-wise and charming, however, I have very little sexual attraction towards him. I feel little, if anything, during sex. It’s frustrating because I want to be sexually attracted to him, but I just am not. We cuddle, are intimate and have sex frequently.
I’ve been open about this with him throughout the relationship, but we both thought that this would develop. He’s okay with it because he knows I desire him. I don’t know where else to ask for advice about this, and in the end, I am very happy with our relationship
Comments
Have you considered that you are asexual?
As long as you are both happy, open, & honest & you don’t feel pressure to have sex if you don’t want to then it’s all good!
No sexual attraction may not be an issue now but if you have challenges in your relationship with finances, work, kids, family & friends etc then it could become more of an issue over time
This was me and my first husband. He was the first man I was ever with as was I to him and it was all so basic and boring. We built up a lot of resentment over time. If I ever suggested to try something different he accused me of cheating because where would I get these ideas from. It went stale and south fast, we were together only a total of 6 years. I couldn’t take it anymore and I left. We did have a child together tho and it was 18 years of hell whenever I dated and even when I got married next. It’s been like 30 years now and he still resents me and treats me horribly when I see him at family functions all over the sexual part of our relationship. Let it go and move on I say.
Trouble ahead.
It will become a problem, and generate more problems.
My guess is it won’t develop, and what will happen is you’ll be less inclined to want to have sex with him and less inclined to try at all so you’ll ultimately be in a sexless relationship. 9 months is awfully early on to begin a relationship knowing you’re not attracted to him.
I suppose some people have successful relationships with no sex but I can’t believe it’s satisfying for both parties unless you’re both asexual.
Have you been very sexually attracted to other men in the past?
Who are you sexually attracted too? I’ve know people who got married, made peace with the fact they were gay, and gotten a divorce. It was hard on their kids.
Just something to consider.
It won’t develop over time. The beginning of a relationship is usually when sexual attraction is non stop. Lots and lots of not being able to get enough of each other
Have you been sexually attracted to anyone? You may just be a romantic asexual.
I’ve had this before both ways I had a girl I could have married but just never found her sexy at all despite me liking sex and a gf said I was marriage material for her but I just didn’t do it for her. and sadly it just never worked
I don’t understand what you mean by you desire him but aren’t sexually attracted to him
I think it would be worth a few sessions with a therapist to explore your thoughts and feelings. It’s good that you recognize what is happening, and are reaching out to others.
What do I think about this?
I think you spend the rest of your life with someone you’re not sexually attracted to or you don’t.
What else is there to say?
As an old I now believe from experience it’s better to be alone than to be with someone where you’re not on the same page sexually. When I was younger I was willing to sign up for things being harder than they need to be.
You learn things when you learn them.
You’re attracted to him, but not sexually?
If I may inquire, what exactly is attractive about him physically, what differs between this attraction and men/people from your past? Have you felt (for certain) sexual attraction for others before? Was it instantaneous? Did it fade over time?
You don’t have to type those responses out, maybe just not your own mind with the ponderings
Perhaps the “no sexual attraction” thing is because he is the right guy. Some girls are attracted only to bad guys until they know better. Have you had counseling or therapy?
I would not marry into a relationship without sexual chemistry.
It’s not the only thing that matters to make life together work, but when it’s missing, it can kill things quick.
Sexual chemistry, and matching interests in frequency and activities REALLY matters more than you would think, because it’s a unique type of bond that can limp you thru tough times.
When it’s missing, at best you have a platonic friend… just a roommate. And if BOTH people are on the asexualty spectrum, that can work.
But if sexual connection is important to either/both of you? Contempt will grow. He’ll be jumping thru hoops trying to make you want him… trying to “get back” the “good old days” when you had still had sex with him. And you will grow increasingly disgusted with his touches and bids for sexy time.
Go read r/deadbedrooms and see how sad that can get. Then go read r/asexuality and see if any of that sounds familiar.
If you just don’t like him sexually, you have to cut him loose, it’s unkind to just “tolerate” someone when they deserve to be WANTED in their relationship.
If you don’t like ANYONE sexually, but think you “have to do it” to get or keep a relationship? YOU don’t deserve that… it will erode at your dignity to force yourself to smile and endure. You will feel even worse when you develop revulsion even though he hasn’t done anything “wrong”.
If you don’t have interest in sex, you just need to find a life partner on a similar track. Being with someone who matches is a MUCH better idea.
The sexual interest is the one thing that defines a romantic/sexual relationship from a platonic friendship. You might just have a person meant to be your friend, not boyfriend.
Usually, the first six months of a relationship, people can’t keep their hands off each other. They seem addicted to the butterflies & flushing warmth. If you’ve never had that for him, that chemistry likely won’t ever grow in…
A guy friend can sometimes convert into a romantic partner… but that usually happens after the friendship progresses to a certain level of intimacy, and you start daydreaming about “what if” and the idea of kissing him and wrapping around him starts to sound really fun.
You can be friends for years without crossing that river, but usually once you see him “like that”… the whole thing catches fire and the limerence aka new relationship energy takes over to help you bond into a couple.
Without that energy… you are basically in an arranged marriage, where your erotic needs are set aside for the sake of bonding two families together. But if you live in a culture where that is not common… you won’t ever feel really settled into married life the same.
Friendship is a huge part of finding the right relationship. Sexual attraction can develop but work on it before you marry. What do you need to be attracted? Have you ever learned from attraction to others? I have been attracted to others from kidhood. It didn’t take much. Have you ever experienced sexual abuse? That has profound impact on ability to be attracted. Sexual abuse can make a person promiscuous or go the other way to not wanting it. Possibly the memory of it is blocked. Check it out with a therapist.
Do you feel sexual attraction towards other boys? If not that may be a personal problem or he may not know how to sexualy stimulate you. I could not make a life long commitment to a partner who did not sexualy excite me.
Who are you sexually attracted to? Is he in prison or part of a gang?
Are you on any medications? I go on one in the winter for seasonal depression and my libido tanks. Thank goodness it’s temporary.
This diagram might help: https://calmerry.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/09/5-types-of-attraction-table.jpg
If you are not attracted to him now, it isn’t going to happen. I would move on and look for someone I felt sexually attracted to. Life is too short.
Resentment will build and cause this whole thing to blow up.
Sexual compatibility matters.
When I was 20, I dated someone who was, in many ways, perfect. He was kind, compassionate, emotionally intelligent, in therapy, and had received an early acceptance into med school, which I didn’t even know could happen. He was tall, attractive, thoughtful, and genuinely a wonderful partner and friend.
But I wasn’t sexually attracted to him.
I tried to make it work. I convinced myself it was a me problem, that attraction wasn’t everything, and that I’d be foolish to let go of someone with so much potential just because I didn’t feel that spark. For months, I wrestled with it. I’d go back to his Instagram, stare at certain photos, and try to reignite some kind of desire.
But you can’t force attraction and you shouldn’t have to.
Eventually, I realized it wasn’t fair to him. He deserved someone who was drawn to him emotionally and physically. So I broke up with him. It was hard, he was truly a good person, and for a while, I questioned whether I had made the right call.
But it turned out to be one of the best decisions I ever made.
Because not long after, I met someone else, someone who was also wonderful, someone I saw real future with, and I was wildly attracted to him. Still am, almost five years later. I still catch myself blushing when he looks at me a certain way. That chemistry hasn’t faded.
Everyone deserves that. Your partner deserves someone who genuinely desires them, and you deserve someone who lights you up emotionally and physically.
Especially in monogamous relationships, sexual compatibility isn’t shallow. It’s essential. There are so many incredible people out there who are both right on paper and a full-body yes in person. It might not always feel that way, but they exist. And you don’t have to settle for less.
My thoughts: You’ll end up cheating on him. You two will break up. Then, after 3-4 romances you see just how good you had it before cheating. The two of you will get back together. Both of you have changed significantly (matured) but his core character is unchanged.You find him now a romantic delight, a Prince Charming, you found that one or two shifts in thinking or perceptiveness that cancelled out your old sexual baggage.
I may get down voted for this, but try weed if you can. Particularly the indica or hybrid strains. It heightens your physical senses and may wake your body up so you enjoy it more.
Sex is a big part of a relationship.
Typical wife.
I think there’s such a thing called sex therapist that you both can look into. From what i understand, the things that we desire in bed can be learned. Pretty much like a performance by an (adult) actor.
This type of issue is different depending on the person and life circumstances. It seems like you’re okay with this lack of sexual Attraction now, but do you see yourself being okay with it down the road, especially when you have other stressors at play such as kids, elderly or sick relatives in your care, financial strain, aging ect?
At least you guys are open and communicating about this issue.And it seems like you are both willing to work on it. It could be something as simple as you needing to explore different things and find An activity or toy To spice things up and feel a little bit more exciting.
I’ve been in a few long term relationships in my life and will say, for me, that sexual attraction ebbs and flows over the years. A strong sexual bond does make the other stressers a lot easier, But going through rough patches is also normal.
What concerns Me is these rough patches seem to be happening fairly early in your relationship. It could be something so simple as needing to get to know one another more before he or you become really comfortable sexually. Do either one of you have any fears of intimacy? I’m the type of person that needs a while to build up that type of trust.
In my opinion you’re setting both of you up for failure. I could never imagine not being sexually attracted to my wife. Sex is a big part of a relationship whether people want to admit it or not. You’ll leave him wanting sex with someone that doesn’t find him attracted, and it’ll crush him. You’ll be having sex with someone you’re not attracted to for the rest of your life unless the relationship fails. Tell me where that works out in the long run?
It’s completely normal in every relationship to notice others who might seem more attractive, charming, intelligent, wealthy, or better aligned with your values : everyone has their own strengths. But here’s a question worth asking: Do you really think you’ll find someone who’s perfect in every single way? Of course not. If you didn’t find your partner attractive at all, you probably wouldn’t have started the relationship in the first place. So instead of focusing on what’s missing, try asking yourself: What do I like about him? Could small tweaks like a new hairstyle, a different beard, or a change in clothes make him even more appealing to you? If it’s about romance, you don’t need to change who he is; you can simply guide him toward things that excite you and make you feel connected. It’s also worth reflecting: Are you craving the thrill of someone new and different, or is there a specific trait in your current boyfriend that’s bothering you?
Here’s the honest truth: If most things in your relationship are going well, but you’re just missing that initial “spark,” you’ll likely feel that absence with every future partner too. That fiery beginning? It’s not the same as true love. And if you’re holding out for that fleeting feeling to base a marriage on, you might end up alone.
Don’t marry expecting it to improve. If sex is important to him at all, let him find someone who will match his energy. Sex is an important part of relationships for some people (not all) and it would be unfair to take that off the table for him for years until resentment built enough to crumble the relationship.
What do you mean by “I feel little if anything during sex”? Emotionally or physically (size)?
Run
I made it to 10 years with an asexual partner, who later came out as gay lol. By came out, I mean we were cooking & I saw grindr notifications come up on his phone.
My suggestion to you is to be really honest with yourself and to not waste anyone’s time. Although I respect my ex’s journey and life and can acknowledge we began dating at 16 and were young — I’ve never really forgiven him for wasting my youth. All the good people got married and I was left with leftovers with serious psychological issues and divorcees with kids once I was ready to re-enter the messed up virtual dating world we have now. I’m 33 now and found a suitable partner for me whom I really love and connect with on all levels.
Don’t waste his life and time because you’re settling for whatever reason.
You need to sort this out. Consider seeing a sex therapist. The problem is that over time, people tend to stop doing things they don’t really want to do. Think of exercising, for example. Someone who hates running may do it for a while, but there will come a time when they have an excuse to not run. Then they don’t go back.
It is *extremely* hurtful to be a partner of someone who won’t have sex with you
He got a lil dick?
It will eventually cause problems. Think long and hard about staying with him. The rest of your life, hopefully is a long time.
You have a best friend.
Go see your doctor. Maybe you have a hormonal imbalance.