TL;DR: I have a crush on my coworker, but am married with a kid.
So, I (F36) have an intense crush on my coworker (M33). It must have been going on for some time, but I only put two and two together now. I’m pretty emotionally dense, so yeah, it took me a while to realize why I always sought his presence, valued his opinion on everything and so on. If it turns out there is any reciprocation, I won’t be able to stay in the same team as him (HR rules), so there will be the additional trouble of me having to discuss this with my superior etc. Honestly, I do believe it’s reciprocated, but then again, my emotional intelligence is about -10.
I’m married, too, but it’s a “we-are-together-because-of-kid” marriage and I’ve been cheated on before. The kid is 6, so very young for the marriage to potentially get messy. I would never cheat, so I will have to come clean to my SO too and that WILL come as an immense surprise because I’m “the loyal one” in the marriage. Yeah, why I stayed with this man for so long baffles me too, but we are so financially tied it would be a huge complication to separate for no tangible reason. Also I want our kid to have both parents.
What I believe is truly going on is that I’ve hit some early mid-life crisis where I just can’t go on with my marriage (I’ve been with the same man for 15 years, he was the first man I seriously dated and the only one I’ve slept with, and have not been overall very happy, he always shoots down everything I care about, doesn’t support me, berates me in front of others and all your classic emotionally abusive signs) and this crush is just an excuse for me to finally take some action. I feel like at 36, my life is not over yet and I still deserve some happiness. So maybe I should just end my marriage first without getting potentially creepy at work? But I fear I will just chicken out again, like it has happened to me a number of times.
EDIT:
Only like 30 mins since posting and already so much valuable advice! Thank you so much everyone, I will read through everything and eventually come back with an update on what I did or didn’t do.
Comments
Don’t tell your co-worker. No good can come of this.
Sort out your marriage first. Decide whether your marriage is worth saving, independent of your intense crush feelings. Your kid “having both parents” doesn’t mean you have to be together. Is what you have worth it?
You have plenty of “tangible reasons” to end it, by the way. Don’t complicate it by throwing an affair into the mix.
You know this isn’t about the co-worker. He’s not special dude, he’s a fantasy and an out from your life. So don’t say anything.
You know the right thing to do is end your marriage, actually deal with your shit, and meet someone who doesn’t work with you.
It sounds like you’re waiting to find out what happens with your coworker before ending things with your husband. What if it doesn’t work out well with your new guy?
It sounds like your marriage is over, but I agree with another commenter that you should figure out what you want to do with your marriage first. Work things out or end it, but burn your ships like Cortez, I.e., be decisive.
Don’t complicate things for yourself. Find a relationship outside of work
I think it’s totally valid and good for you to be exploring these feelings and changes. As someone who tried to pursue things with a coworker while in a similar situation to you – the coworker part gets really tricky and honestly is generally a horrible idea. I realized that I had these work crushes because we always see each other and are putting on a work personality and don’t actually know anything about each other outside of work. I mean the real shit like “are you actually looking for a surrogate mommy to raise and coddle you” not “do we like the same music.” I would encourage you to go on dates with non coworkers, don’t let it interfere with your parenting or share all your plans with your kid bc that’s just not necessary until it actually affects their life, and let the work crush marinate a little before you upend both your marriage AND work environment and are left with no crush or husband to fall back on. Not to catastrophize but just be fully aware of what you’re getting yourself into before making decisions that could impact and destabilize multiple areas of your life at the same time. Try to let your self discovery journey bring you peace and joy and minimize the stress/chaos.
Leave the guy alone and fix your shit. You’re going to tank your reputation at work and in your personal life if you don’t get out of your marriage before acting like a desperate crazy person.
There are so many intersecting issues here:
I think there are lots of options. If your husband has cheated on you, how was that resolved? Why did you stay after you found out? If he promised to stay faithful, and you took that agreement, perhaps you need to have a conversation about opening up the marriage. Telling him that it still bothers you, you’re unhappy, and things have to change (either open the marriage or divorce) may be a way forward.
It’s interesting that you have said “I would never cheat”, but you have become emotionally involved with your coworker.
A divorce would split up the family, but it’s not your duty to stay in something where you’re miserable.
You mentioned a mid life crisis, and it’s possible that you need some therapy to navigate your feelings. For example, if you began something with a coworker, it would change your career. Is that what you want? It’s a huge change.
There’s also office gossip.
If you have something with the coworker, and it ends badly, then you have all the extra things that comes with sex with a coworker, gossip, and having to be able to work.
Generally, don’t sleep with people that you work with, because it can impact your livelihood if it goes bad.